Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

No, it's not 'bereavement'.

I think I am entitled to express my view that the end of a relationship is akin to bereavment.

The OP uses words.... consumed/discarded, indicating very strong feelings.

As bloody usual though, all people want to do is pick a fight.

OP, I know a little about schizophrenia - a good friend of mine had it. It took him an exhausting amount of effort to present as normal. I'd known him for years and really loved him as a friend before I had an inkling of what he lived with daily.

He came to my hen night and produced as a surprise another close male friend of ours who lived in France, but who he had brought back just for my hen night. I thought it was a lovely thoughtful thing to do until he explained to me that he knew the male friend and I were secretly in love and had been communicating our passion for each other via radio waves into his mind for years and that he hadn't minded at all being the go between for our love and had passed on my messages faithfully and never shared them with anyone. But that's how he knew we had asked to see each other one more time before I married. Messages I had sent him telepathically. He had so believed them that he had dragged this man back from France.

I had no inkling of this nonsense in all the years we'd been close and hung around in a crowd together. He'd just kept it together and presented as normal, but some very abnormal things were very compelling in his mind - as true and substantial as real life is to me. It was very disconcerting to realise how vivid and believable this alternative world was to him and how he had to battle through it just to maintain normal friendships.

Maybe your man realised if he got close to you he would be unable to maintain the pretence. It is exhausting. Or maybe radio waves instructed him to dump you. There could be a whole level to your relationship that you are not aware of, which governs his behaviour.

You are entitled to your view that meeting up with someone once and then not continuing the relationship is 'akin to bereavement'.

And I'm entitled to disagree.

I don't think it's at all helpful to OP, who has clearly hugely over invested in this person on the basis of very little, to encourage her to frame it this way. At all.

She needs support to put it in its proper proportion, not to overvalue it even further .

Some men play women like other men play video games. They are bad fellas, cold to others' hurt - or rather, feeding off it - and you would be wise to firmly cut all further contact with him and focus on healing from the experience.

OP, do also block him everywhere to prevent the game resuming.

The long and short of it is that he met you in person and decided you weren’t for him. However he is dressing it up, that is what has occurred this for me too

Are you upset that you finally opened your heart to only get trampled on

I get it , I really do . You’ve been happily single , then you changed your views , and then this happens

But this is dating
This is why I stay single
As I know that this would likely happen to me too

Onwards OP , you will be happy again and this horrible feeling will pass

There is nothing you could have done
It’s not your fault

I’m confused why you’re heartbroken.

I may be wrong here but you wanted answers so ... did you really accept and understand his prior mental health problems? Honestly? Only, it seems to me that, actually, you didn’t.

Also schizophrenia is quite a bad deal for him
He is clearly very high functioning
But not an illness that’s easy to live with , for him or his life partner

So bear that heavily in mind

Agree with pps. The meet up sounds like it didn’t, in reality, match up to his expectations. Or maybe he suddenly felt overwhelmed by the speed of the relationship. But it does seem that you were totally consumed by this brief relationship, to feel such heartbreak after a short time. He has stepped away, and you just need to dust yourself off, stand tall, be strong and move on - there will be someone else out there OP who you will feel equally connected with. Take it slower next time.

@randomer

I think I am entitled to express my view that the end of a relationship is akin to bereavment.

The OP uses words.... consumed/discarded, indicating very strong feelings.

As bloody usual though, all people want to do is pick a fight.

It wasn’t a relationship though, they had met once!

I think you are being deeply insulting to anyone that has truly been bereaved to refer to this as a bereavement. And I don’t think that it helps OP anyway, it would be better for OP to recognise this for what it was, a date with a stranger.

If the OP had met someone once and it had not gone well, thats a bit of a blow and a bit of a downer. Clearly it was much much more than that to her.
I'm not framing anything, I am empathising .

I agree with you randomer, though I can’t quote your post for some reason. A hurt ego can be very painful, which is what I believe this to be in my extremely humble opinion obviously.

Oops, I meant I agreed with Aprilx. Stupid edit function on here!

People have long distance relationships for years, they are still relationships.
They exchanged letters and lived for those moments or were caught up in the excitement of video connection.

Going on one date with an internet stranger who then opts not to pursue the relationship is not a bereavement.

@SnowAllSpring

Going on one date with an internet stranger who then opts not to pursue the relationship is not a bereavement.

Absolutely this.

I'm a male, 60 years old, so may have a bit on insight.
I think he was playing a bit of a game with it being all online, over the phone etc.
He is the age he is, still single, for a reason.
And you were NOT being foolish "we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours". I had a bit of an EA with a younger woman a couple of years ago, it took me back decades emotionally, all a bit sad as well as nice.

@randomer

People have long distance relationships for years, they are still relationships. They exchanged letters and lived for those moments or were caught up in the excitement of video connection.

Yes but they tend to have met.

There is more and more of this being posted, people engaging in virtual “relationships” with total strangers, then when they meet the first time, one of them doesn’t feel it, has to let the other down gently, and the discarded one is devastated.

People need to try to get a level of understanding if they have never met someone they should not let themselves buy the fantasy.

And I’m sorry but a couple of Middle Aged strangers laying down on the grass in a public park snogging heavily, to the extent he gets an erection and you know is really undignified behaviour. Honestly no one needs to see that. Your out walking or with your kids and there’s a couple laying on the grass going at it like this?

I did not say it was a bereavement. I did not insult the bereaved. It was more than one date.

It sounds lane, but really - it’s not you , it’s him.

It seems that although he could do the whole intense, love-bombing initial connection part, he is unable to make the transition into a proper grown up relationship. And that’s not your fault.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Pretty much the same thing happened to me 10 years ago and it broke my heart.

You need to be wary in future of people who go from 0-100 very quickly. You need to mistrust that sudden magnetic draw because it's usually evidence that the relationship is unhealthy, maybe manipulative, and certainly unsustainable. I could predict how your post was going to end from THE MOMENT you mentioned how things started - that's how textbook these people are. Truly!

Thing is, you aren't vulnerable to this stuff if you just see it for what it is. My person had mental health issues as well. he was also creative, a great writer, funny and brilliant to talk to and I suspect a deeply messed up person. He knew he could never deliver the goods when it came to actually having a long term mutually fulfilling relationship, but he wanted to create the story of it because it was exciting and fun. Maybe at times he even believed what he was pedalling. All I know is that kind of whirlwind is unsustainable and I shall be very wary if I ever encounter a similar dynamic again. Far better is the slow burn, steady growing intimacy and comfortable trust over many many months, all of it in person rather than at a distance. You can pretend to be whoever you want to be online. Constantly video chatting at all hours, the other person starts to feel like a drug, then a crutch you can't get through the day without. Maybe you are the same to them, who knows. But it isn't a healthy, normal relationship dynamic.

I felt bereaved too, because I realised all at once the man I loved didn't exist and I had to grieve him, knowing someone who looked like him would be forever walking about living his life. It's a peculiar horrific pain not quite like anything I've experienced, and those who haven't been through it won't understand, so don't pay them any mind.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and want to reassure you that you will get over it. It will take time, but it will hurt less and less until it doesn't hurt at all and then you will be over him completely.

@DoubleTweenQueen

My best friend at uni suffered with schizophrenia. He was the most beautiful soul, as you describe. Highly artistic, sociable - many strong, deep friendships with his male and female friends. Behaviour of a total gentleman. We all loved him dearly. We were a really tight group of three who went riding together. He was like my big brother and guardian angel. He dropped out of his degree course (for the second time) due to a horrible episode of his illness, and we wrote to each other and stayed in touch. He never returned. He did fall in love with a very beautiful local girl a few years later, and me & do went to their wedding, which was so happy. They had children, but sadly split up a few years later. I have tried to keep in touch, but he finds it hard to deal with everything and keeps a very tight close-knit small local network.I am too distant and from a different happier time. He will also be in his 50's now. Life will have taken it's toll on him. He is still capable of inspiring very deep affection, still a beautiful soul, but also deeply troubled & he will keep people at a distance. It's a horrible illness. I think all you can do is accept what he's saying to you, respect his wishes, but also let him know you care. A 'normal' relationship may simply not be possible for him.

This is more accurate and rounded description of someone living with a MH diagnosis like Schizophrenia than the “narcissistic abuser” armchair personality disorder diagnosis upthread. He clearly has current problems if he feels he needs to tell you formally and face to face about his past diagnosis. Not driving on the M25 and ‘other weird things’ may be signs that his life is much more restricted than he’s needed to admit until the reality of face to face forces his hand.

So while he isn’t necessarily deliberately manipulating you there’s a danger it’s going to happen anyway if you let him drift in an out of your life and allow your life to be regulated by how well or not he’s coping with his illness. I would put your energy elsewhere and I agree with @DoubleTweenQueen as much as he may want it he probably knows a ‘normal’ relationship is not something he can sustain.

Schizophrenia runs in my family and my uncle takes heavy medication for it. He lives alone and has never had a long relationship although he functions day to day although he can't work.
When we were young he was a sweet shy person and was in his 30's when he became ill.
The nearest analogy that I can think of is that it is like being on psycodelic drugs, my uncle tried to steal a suitcase and board a plane, he thought the devil was chasing him etc.
The drugs do dampen down the condition but seem to have taken away some of his spark, he isn't very empathetic towards others now for instance.

@randomer I did not say it was a bereavement

You literally did though:

It will hurt, it is loss, it is bereavment

And yes, it was one date. You can't just make stuff up.

@randomer

I did not say it was a bereavement. I did not insult the bereaved. It was more than one date.

It was one date. They met once, he declined to meet again.