Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

Thanks, cowbells. I did that- we spoke a couple of times afterwards and I said, "listen, it was all a bit intense, and I'm aware of that, let's just wind it in a bit and maybe give ourselves a breather, see how we feel." Which he sort of agreed with, and we also talked about the weirdness of lockdown, so it was a really nice conversation. He said he was really attracted to me, which i know was the case, so i dont get whar's not to like about keeping in touch- I wasnt going to move in with him and have his babies!!

@Accentor

Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah.

Oh, OP. He played you like a fiddle

I never understand posts like these. The above qualities aren't exactly rare or impossible. There are plenty of people who went to Cambridge and have a stable job and love their mum.

Back to the OP, I understand where you're coming from. Everyone is more sensitive and strung out after the last year and we're not generally as resilient as we would usually be. You invested a lot of time in this person chatting online in a short intense period of time, which wouldn't normally happen in normal circumstances.

You had one real life date and for whatever reason he's decided it's not for him. That's not uncommon and not unreasonable, although I understand it's disappointing.

Whether he's simply not interested or whether he's an evil manipulate bastard, you are best cutting your losses and moving on.

Sounds like he's anxious of getting hurt so ending it before it's even begun. It's unfortunate because it's his issue that you're feeling the consequence of, but you can't control it unfortunately. I think it's a case of processing it in this way and then moving on. Right guy in every way other than his anxiety about relationships xx

@pam290358

Do you think the way he is behaving could be part of the mental health condition he was talking about ? He says it was in his twenties but if he’s still being medicated for it in his fifties, rather than being a past issue it sounds as though it’s very much in the present. If this is the case and it’s causing problems at the start of the relationship then you have to consider that it would likely continue to have an impact. You may be better closing the door on this and resolving not to have further contact if/when his mood changes and he contacts you again.

I agree with this. Bringing up mental health problems from in his twenties and saying he's still on medication for it thirty odd years later would indicate that it still has an impact on him and isn't something that he's been able to overcome. Maybe he didn't open up quite enough.

I think the thing to learn from this is to take things much more slowly next time. We've all had to do things differently because of lockdown and have perhaps escalated the intensity of new connections because of being unable to meet up. Then when you do there's a disconnect between your real life and this person who until now has not had to integrate with it in any discernible way other than digitally.

Men are more black and white than women and I think can cut things off more easily (obviously hashtag not all men etc.) if they start to think this 'does not compute' long-term. I've just gone through something similar although we were dating for a few months, also a professional woman, not fragile etc.

In terms of practical help etc, all I can do is tell you what I have been doing to accept and move on asap. Firstly export any chats from your phone and delete his contact details and all emails etc. Tell yourself that no matter what outcome you desire (never speaking to him again or getting him back at some point in the future) the correct course of action is to stop all contact. Work out what the learning is from this experience and write about it. Write about it as much as you can. I wrote two lists and added to them daily to start with - firstly a list of everything about it that wasn't right, and secondly a list of things I was grateful for. Resolve to get yourself back to that lovely peaceful place where you were totally happy to be on your own - I felt like it was remembering a different version of me and I desperately wanted her back. As a note, I found Catherine Gray's 'Unexpected Joy of Being Single' extremely positive, funny and helpful (and not remotely as twee as it may sound).

You will find your 'happily single' self soon, I promise. And there will be someone out there for you without mental health problems such that he would behave like this. You have dodged a bullet, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

Honestly op, you’ve only met this man once. After that meeting he decided to not proceed further. Irrelevant of the impression he gave on that date, he has decided he does not wish to proceed further with you.

I think you need to examine why you’ve reacted so badly after meeting someone once. I understand you face timed etc but it’s not the equivalent to meeting in person. Or anywhere close. He is literally a stranger you met once.

Focus on yourself and start to do some work on how to understand when someone is a stranger who you’ve never met and what that means.

It sounds as though you have got it all more in proportion now, tartantroosers. Excellent, onwards and upwards.

Being a Cambridge Arts graduate and loving his mum doesn't stop some people from treating people badly in relationships though. As with anyone they have different parts to their personality. The number of blokes that end relationships by saying ' it's not you, it's me' 'it wasn't that I wasn't really into you' blah blah.

He loved the chase, he met you, he gave it a shot, you didn't light his fire, he was too cowardly to tell you that, he left!

Ibelieveinmirrorballs- thank you, that helps. Listen, I know how pathetic this all sounds. It's all so dramatic and teenaged. What has shocked me ia how badly it's affected me- i have a wonderful son, a really demanding job atm, and a good network. I'm nornally over someone in a week or so, not losing weight, losing sleep, feeling so 'out of it'. Thank you for your support and comments

All I know is that nursing, cajoling, persuading someone to be with me holds absolutely zero appeal.

If, after an initial meet up, a man told me he couldn’t see it working, you wouldn’t see me for dust. If it’s not working for him, it’s certainly not going to work for me.

And yes, of course the Cambridge comment wasn't anything other than saying he had a lot of things about him that were in sync with me- I'm not in awe, far from it. He had a beautiful spirit, if that does't sound weird.

@pictish

All I know is that nursing, cajoling, persuading someone to be with me holds absolutely zero appeal.

If, after an initial meet up, a man told me he couldn’t see it working, you wouldn’t see me for dust. If it’s not working for him, it’s certainly not going to work for me.

100% You have done nothing wrong OP He has done nothing wrong

It just didn’t work out

He just made you think he was someone he wasn't and for all you know he could be getting his joy out of hurting women and could be some serious weirdo
Maybe just try and think about how lucky you are that escaped from this creep even though he seemed nice he clearly wasn't, you were in love or infatuated with what you THOUGHT he was,not your faultfor you

@tartantroosers

And yes, of course the Cambridge comment wasn't anything other than saying he had a lot of things about him that were in sync with me- I'm not in awe, far from it. He had a beautiful spirit, if that does't sound weird.

It does sound a bit weird to be honest

Carry on and don't let it stop you from meeting someone else if that's what you would like

I wonder if he has had a huge anxiety attack about getting hurt, things not working out etc, because he liked you. He might not even understand it himself but the easiest thing to ease the anxiety is to end things. This would make sense to me, as to why you are having such a difficult time getting over it OP, as it doesn’t equate to the feelings you were getting from him which may very well have been genuine. Did he discuss what his mental health issues were or what he was being treated for?

@pictish

The long and short of it is that he met you in person and decided you weren’t for him. However he is dressing it up, that is what has occurred.

This is why it’s not a good idea to invest too much of your time and energy on men you haven’t met in person. Even if he seems like a solid prospect.

I’m sorry this has happened. You won’t have done anything wrong and there won’t be anything wrong with you either...it’s just not working for him. What if you’d found you weren’t as attracted to him as you’d hoped? You’d be letting him down now yourself.

Onwards and upwards. X

This is excellent advice.

I also agree with PPs that he might pop up in your messages again in a few weeks time. Do yourself a favour and block him now.

Does sound like classic love bombing. The bit about ‘it’ll go further and you’ll get hurt’ is setting you up so you’ll persuade him ‘it’s ok, you’ll take the risk’ and therefore won’t be able to complain afterwards. Just stop all contact and walk away. It’ll hurt but only for a few weeks. I didn’t and ended up embroiled for years.....

Oh @tartantroosers this stuff can hurt so much but it passes as abruptly as it started. I am attached now but remember well that feeling of really connecting with a person only for him to call it off without explanation.

I remember I was in my mum's where I had grown up when I waved to a man across the road, I recognised him from twenty years previously. He had been a friend of a friend, a little odd - very awkward. We had had a ONS much to everyone's amusement as you wouldn't really have put us together (I was very outgoing and seemed very confident, got lots of attention etc). He had gone off the rails in his late 20s with drugs. I'd bumped into him on and off over the years.

He made a beeline for me when I waved and to my great surprise asked me for my phone number and a date within moments. The date was amazing, utterly amazing. I remember getting this jittery feeling seeing him walk up the driveway. He was still as adorably awkward as ever. Everything he said was interesting. I remembered why I'd liked him, he seemed to see me in a real way. That ONS which was a funny story for me seemed to have been a very big deal for him. He still seemed plagued with some MH issues, lived with his mum, hadn't got a career.

We stayed up all night talking and kissing. I was like a giddy teenager, literally swooning. He said he knew he wasn't 'a good catch' given his lack of career. I had always been on his mind he said, he couldn't believe when he saw me standing across the street waving to him. His dad had died some years before, I had no idea (I've lost touch with mutual friends). He said he looked for me at the funeral.

It felt honestly like we had entered a bubble together. And I am the biggest eyeroller ever at romantic situations.

Just like yours he went cold shortly afterwards. I have no idea why. I don't care.

Now you've seen he's full of BS, does it really matter what the reason is? Let him off, there will be someone better along for you.

(Mine did contact me to say he owed me an apology and explanation some time later. I was pregnant and very happy. I told him not to worry about it. I don't regret that, if he needed to offload it was for his own benefit, not mine.)

And to the posters saying you should reflect on why you're upset or that you've been a fool, ignore them. Your feelings are valid and real. He misled you. As for the poster saying you're undignified - UGH. I bet she's good craic at parties.

@tartantroosers

Ibelieveinmirrorballs- thank you, that helps. Listen, I know how pathetic this all sounds. It's all so dramatic and teenaged. What has shocked me ia how badly it's affected me- i have a wonderful son, a really demanding job atm, and a good network. I'm nornally over someone in a week or so, not losing weight, losing sleep, feeling so 'out of it'. Thank you for your support and comments

Be kind to yourself, OP. It’s not been a normal year, and I am easily see how someone could let themselves get over invested in talking when they’d normally be a bit cannier and more self-protecting. Something that made you happy in difficult circumstances has been abruptly taken away, so you’re coming down cold turkey and it’s tough.

It’s no ones fault.

@candle18

I wonder if he has had a huge anxiety attack about getting hurt, things not working out etc, because he liked you. He might not even understand it himself but the easiest thing to ease the anxiety is to end things. This would make sense to me, as to why you are having such a difficult time getting over it OP, as it doesn’t equate to the feelings you were getting from him which may very well have been genuine. Did he discuss what his mental health issues were or what he was being treated for?

Even if so...so what? Who wants to ‘mum’ or ‘therapy’ anyone into a relationship? Not fucking me. I’ve got three kids already thanks.

He said schizophrenia, which i wasnt expecting, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of stick, but I didn't run away. I don't have exoerience of MH but He said it hadnt been an issue for 20 years and he was on meds. You honestly would't think there was anything out of the ordinary, iyswim.

@tartantroosers

And yes, of course the Cambridge comment wasn't anything other than saying he had a lot of things about him that were in sync with me- I'm not in awe, far from it. He had a beautiful spirit, if that does't sound weird.

Ah yes the beautiful spirit and being in sync I can very much relate to (see my post above).

Sorry OP I know you're hurting. It'll pass I promise. I hope you meet someone nice soon.

It may be that his long term mental health issues means he is unable to sustain a face to face relationship long term. Perhaps lockdown suited him to get to know you. But the reality of meeting you meant he realised nothing had changed for him. In any case, the issue is him, not anything you said or did by the sound of it. I know it is painful but I think you need to move past who you thought he was and where you thought this was going. It sounds like a fantasy, which he couldn’t make real.

You might like to read about limerance. I found it a useful concept as part of trying to understand some of the less healthy feelings I have experienced around men and relationships.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

There can be an incredibly intense experience around meeting someone new. He’s been chatting to you frequently and in between you’ve been thinking about him all the time and building it up in your mind.

And now there’s a major bump in the road and you’re confused because his behaviour doesn’t fit with the expectations you had built up.

I can’t guess at why he has done this, but you are now feeling overwhelming grief because the intense experience you had and the expectations you built around it are breaking or gone. That’s why it hurts so much. It was in your mind all the time before, and now it is still in your mind all the time, but the feelings are negative rather than positive.

That feeling of falling in love (or limerance, if that term clicks for you) is wonderful and near to addictive. Having experienced it once in adulthood and then having got past it (like you, with great pain) I recently found myself falling again, but this time had control over the feeling. I could actually examine the way my mind wanted to flow and could to a large extent switch it off, if I chose as I could see when I looked at it logically that it didn’t make much rational sense.

That way it felt in my control and I was able to enjoy the feeling while knowing that if it didn’t work out, I had hadn’t let myself give my entire being over to it.

I said I couldn’t guess why he has done this, but looking back at my own experience, I think the man I fell for couldn’t bear the intensity of the feeling and so backed off as soon as it all got too close. He had long term MH problems as well. I wasted a lot of time hoping he would get over it, but I don’t think he was capable and he was a similar age and demographic to the man you’ve described.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to try to keep busy with other things and whenever the thoughts of him slide into your mind, shove them aside and don’t let yourself ruminate. Others have suggested giving him a chance and if you do, set careful boundaries for yourself and stick to them so that if you find he is running hot and cold, you need to be the one to put a firm end to it and cut all ties entirely. It’s the only way to put it behind you.

Sorry you’re going through this and good luck.