Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

Just seen he has schizophrenia. He’s now withdrawing. It’s part of the illness.

Thanks, anyoldprion. That is so helpful. I just want the hurt to go away. First time I've smoked in 5 years. :-(

Mummyoflittledragon- thanks- what does that mean? I dont have experience of the effects of it.

It sounds to me like he has some serious attachment issues possibly related to the schizophrenia or maybe totally unrelated, and maybe a personality disorder, again could all be part of the same issue. People with insecure/disorganised attachment and emotionally unstable personality disorder can attach excessively quickly but the attachment style also leads them to devalue and disregard very quickly due to deep seated fear and mistrust of connection.
Whatever the reason, I don't think it was as simple as he didn't like you when he met you. He clearly did, then did a 180 on the relationship which definitely indicates it's a him problem not a you problem.

We live and learn, so learn from this experience and move on.

so sad op, unfortunately not who you had hoped he would be. I expect he wanted to be but realised he couldn't keep up the pretence irl due to mh. he did look really sad you said when he told you. that was the real him. Personally i would be strong and not attempt to rescue it or him, you are part of his narrative story in his head and its not worth wondering what on earth it is. My Dad was like this with his girlfriends, (divorced from mum obviously).
he would "fall in love" hopelessly then dramatically something wouldn't be quite right and it would all be off really suddenly, cue floods of tears and introspection. totally hopeless for a relationship. I would say immature and too sensitive, mh issues there for sure, your fellow sounds similar ilk, too sensitive, was he a mummy's boy too perhaps?

your poor heart! what would you advise a friend to do? chalk it up to experience, connect with loved ones where possible, long walks, lots of outdoors, good books, make plans, funny films, posh ice cream or whatever is going to help you eat, etc. just like any break up.
sending hugs

This sounds like the cycle of narcissistic abuse OP, google it. Happened to me too and blew my mind.

I think this is a corona-phenomenon. I have several friends who have experienced similar things in the last months. In the last year we have all been sitting around on our own a lot more than usual and when you feel a connection with someone it is something new and exciting in a fairly boring and mundane existence. So it is easy to build it up in your mind to be something bigger than it really is. In a normal year, when you are out and about living life, it probably wouldn't be as intense as you would have lots of other things to distract you. This is consolidated by lockdown making it difficult to meet, so that the guy you would have met after 3 weeks normally is now the guy you meet after 3 months.

I am sorry you got hurt, OP. Would it help if you say it more as the pangs of losing something that gave you a high rather than actually missing this man?

Thank you, stovetop- very sweet message. I know he's not a fake- i have lived a little. He was so sorrowful and kept sayong he didnt want to hurt me, he was really down, so i just wanted to understand. It's the "why" that's the killer. It woiuld be easier if i could blame it on his MH bit that sounds weak.

@tartantroosers
I was going ''Oh no! no no no no just NO'' at your initial description.

You were targeted bt a Narcissist.

You have been ''Devalued''.

Sever ALL contact.

Do NOT allow him back into your life in any way, shape or form.

Look up H.G.Tudor on you tube.

Little shit probably lied a lot about himself , too.

@tartantroosers

Thank you, stovetop- very sweet message. I know he's not a fake- i have lived a little. He was so sorrowful and kept sayong he didnt want to hurt me, he was really down, so i just wanted to understand. It's the "why" that's the killer. It woiuld be easier if i could blame it on his MH bit that sounds weak.

This is textbook.

Please look up Tudor's stuff.

''It's not you it's me''... Classic.

You have had the 'Golden period' Now the discard.

He's bored, onto the next shiny thing.

I too got sucked in by one years ago. Avoid for your own sanity.

OP, I totally get where you are. This was me 15 years ago. I was a single mum and coping very well but deep inside really wanted to share my life with a man, however not any men and my list of essentials was quite long. Inevitably, it meant very few potential candidates.

So when I found one, I surprised myself how quickly I fell for him. Ironically, it was him who was very keen and I almost didn'tt go to our first meeting but by the end, I was smitten and so was he. we met another time, again, a lot of intense vibes, a lot of u tense talking in between. Then we arrange a 3rd meeting but suddenly he seemed stressed, not himself and I could tell something was off. He told he was off camping on holiday with his kids for a week so wouldn't be able to communicate. I'd hope to get something but I didn't. When he was due back,I emailed but fit nothing back. At this point, I knew he was gone and was taken by surprise how devastated I felt. Heartbroken. I emailed him once again to say that considering the emotional intimacy we'd shared, he should have at least the respect to explain the situation. He did. It turned out he wasn't I we his ex. He'd mentioned her briefly but not emotionally and I had no reason to assume he was still hung up to her. As it is, he'd found out she'd just got engaged and that triggered emotions in him and he realised he wasn't emotionally ready to start again.

I was gutted. I wanted to shake him and made him realise he was letting something good go.

As it is, it was a blessing. I met my now hubby 2 years later and he is so much more than the other guy was. Looking back he too has issues with depression and even though everyone with depression can still be a good loving partner, it often make building sound relationships harder. I needed someone solid by my side not yet another person to lean on me and my full support giving little back.

You will get over it like we all so but don't beat yourself up. Meeting someone later in age is very different. So fewer potential good men, it's hard when one slips through our fingers.

I know very little about the illness. But antipsychotics even if taken diligently don’t make a person the same as someone, who does not suffer from it...and I imagine people controlling schizophrenia need a lot of self care. Unmedicated schizophrenics socially withdraw but I think this can persist even when medicated. Perhaps it is part of self care? Idk. In any case, this guy has been asked to be left alone. As I said, it sounds like him, not you.

My best friend at uni suffered with schizophrenia. He was the most beautiful soul, as you describe. Highly artistic, sociable - many strong, deep friendships with his male and female friends. Behaviour of a total gentleman. We all loved him dearly. We were a really tight group of three who went riding together. He was like my big brother and guardian angel.
He dropped out of his degree course (for the second time) due to a horrible episode of his illness, and we wrote to each other and stayed in touch. He never returned.
He did fall in love with a very beautiful local girl a few years later, and me & do went to their wedding, which was so happy.
They had children, but sadly split up a few years later.
I have tried to keep in touch, but he finds it hard to deal with everything and keeps a very tight close-knit small local network.I am too distant and from a different happier time.
He will also be in his 50's now. Life will have taken it's toll on him. He is still capable of inspiring very deep affection, still a beautiful soul, but also deeply troubled & he will keep people at a distance.
It's a horrible illness. I think all you can do is accept what he's saying to you, respect his wishes, but also let him know you care.
A 'normal' relationship may simply not be possible for him.

@MazekeenSmith

It sounds to me like he has some serious attachment issues possibly related to the schizophrenia or maybe totally unrelated, and maybe a personality disorder, again could all be part of the same issue. People with insecure/disorganised attachment and emotionally unstable personality disorder can attach excessively quickly but the attachment style also leads them to devalue and disregard very quickly due to deep seated fear and mistrust of connection. Whatever the reason, I don't think it was as simple as he didn't like you when he met you. He clearly did, then did a 180 on the relationship which definitely indicates it's a him problem not a you problem.

This is also true, people with schizophrenia can also have other issues on top of the primary illness.

Thank you, lovely people. I'm going to church now but I will reply later. Your comments are really helping. X

@tartantroosers if he told you why it would involve letting you in. he can't do that, he isnt capable.

Google what @Changeychange1 said and also yes I agree with @sonjadog, about the feeling it gave you as opposed the man himself. there is soooo much ego involved with love, I don't mean the sort of selfish ego used as an insult, but the kind that gives us our self identity, and having our deepest emotional needs met is ego-fulfilling, its primal. All is fair in love and war they say, it's part of being human unfortunately. you say you need a why - maybe you will never understand fully, that's part of our condition.

i get it is awful that he instigated all those calls, what a waste of time going in to his own personal rabbit hole.
but you can't let it defeat you, the wheel will turn and your inner strength will help you. Good luck take time and be patient xx

This is precisely why I never give my phone number out any more when online dating. I just chat on the site.

So many men want to spend all day and night texting and calling, even in pre-COVID times when they were supposedly working. They get over enthusiastic and carried away before you have even met!

It is worth you looking into schitzophrenia, there are ted talks by schitzophrenics and interviews and other videos. It is a really, really difficult disease to have, it has constant permanent affect on the person and loved ones, even with medication he will be dealing daily with things that you and I don't have to deal with. If he was being honest about that, and there is no reason to believe not, then what has happened sounds perfectly understandable. He might think that you wouldn't be able to deal with it, because of your reaction to it.

So many people don't know enough about it and assume it to be different from what it is.

If he had been narcisstistic/abusive he probably would have kept the fakery up for longer I would imagine, but obviously it isn't possible to be certain from all this.

I was reading an interesting article about getting to know the people in someone's life as well as the person before falling fast and hard.

@tartantroosers

Thank you, lovely people. I'm going to church now but I will reply later. Your comments are really helping. X

Look up H.G.Tudor

I too met a man who went from 0-60 , hours on the phone every night, dusk til dawn, he talked about the ''Amazing connection'' we had

He too was good looking, intelligent, sensitive.. another Single parent, so misunderstood by other women
And , please, I don't know how to mention this, but I have mental health issues, too {Bad enough for him to have had a community mental health person} .

He was charm personified.
Intelligent, witty, I felt like a weathervane that a gust of wind had taken up and was spinning and glinting in the sun..

But

It did not last.

He started too distance himself..He'd be in the same room, but a thousand miles away emotionally.

And he began complaining about the ''Distance'', and how it couldn't possibly work...This was after him saying he'd be moving to this area...

After listening to Tudor's podcasts on YT , quite by chance, I realised that he was a Narcissist, and quite irredeemable.

Fine if you want to be kept on the back burner and used when he is feeling down and in need of a bit of attention, but who has the self respect to allow that?
He's chasing other, more exciting, newer toys in the shop.

I think the fact you were acting out of character with such intense contact before meeting and your reaction since at being so blindsided and affected compared to normal ought to give you the heads up this interaction was NOT all it seemed.

It’s hard to believe someone can mess you up this intensely and this fast - until you’ve been through it with someone who has deep issues. The sooner you allow yourself to accept this man did not have healthy intentions towards you (whether as a result of his mental illness or another reason) the easier it will be to move past it.

You are an experienced person and normally confident and find it easy to move on. So you really need to understand that if your reactions are not normal and this intense it’s telling you something about the sort of person you’ve been embroiled with.

But the killer is that when we met he was def into me, it was very loving and it was clear he wanted more, if that's not TMI.

At 55 years old, you must know that an erection is not a reflection of deep feelings, let alone 'love'.

Edit..The ''I have mental health issues'' should have been in quotes.

He presented this to me like a precious object in an ''Only you understand, only you can heal me'' kind of way, and I , being younger then, thought he only needed the love and understanding of an empathetic woman..

{Rolleyes}

You will get over it, but sorry you have had this ''Whirlwind'' experience.

I’m willing to put money on this..he’ll be back in touch!

I feel sad for you OP. I think the MH issues may be a red herring and we can't pathologise everything.

What did you want? Connection, excitement, a reason to get up in the morning....you thought you had found it but sadly not.
It will hurt, it is loss, it is bereavment. The loss of this person, the loss of all you tied up in it.
Sorry for the pain.