Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

[CirclesWithinCircles]

I mean as dating in the more traditional way, through friends or shared hobbies or interests, you would know people who knew the other person, and you could ask or get someone to ask if X was a decent guy. And the message would come back, "Yes, X is lovely but hasn't been able to meet anyone since he split up with Y" or " No, don't get involved with X, he sleeps with multiple women and then dumps them" or "No, stay away from X, he beat up his last girlfriend" (both the latter two scenarios have actually happened to me over the years).

[Bubblebu]

"(he is 55, same age as me)"

OP I say this (1) not having read the whole thread so please discount if there is something obvious I have missed and (2) from a very cynical point of view about these things, nonetheless sadly i think there is an element of truth in what I am about to say.

he was talking to other woment at the same time he was talking to you. one of the other women was much (or even much much) younger than you. He went for the much younger woman who had suddenly given him the green light. From experience there are a lot and a lot of men out there who are like this.

[AffableApple]

@Outbutnotoutout

He has told you he has mental health issues, so he can use them as an excuse to keep you dangling, and probably a few more ladies too.

Bin, move on

Seconded

[KarmaNoMore]

With regards to sorrow... op it is hurting and it will hurt for some time. My advice is to accept the love feelings you have rather than trying to make them disappear (what you resist persists and all that). One day you will wake up wondering what his name was and puzzled about how you could fall for him so badly. Honest.

In the meantime, make sure you keep eating and take good care of your appearance (if you look well you will feel better and less likely to stay at home feeling sad). And do not overthink it, everytime you catch yourself thinking about him do something to distract yourself from those thoughts.

[randomer]

You're basically grieving

No, apparently not according to the resident psychologists here.
It was one afternoon in a park , get over it.

[butterpuffed]

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and hope it won't be too long before you're able to look back on it as a happy month you had

[Bluntness100]

I don’t think hes trying to keep the op dangling on. He ended it.

He’d only be keeping her dangling on if he said he might want to see her again, he’s done the opposite.

I also don’t think it’s right to classify this as “grieving”l they met once. But I understand what rhe poster is trying to say, I think it’s more hurt, bruised ego, disappointment, sadness, a sense of rejection, and embarrassment that after meeting in real life once he didn’t wish to see her again, when the op was feeling something very different about him.

I’d just try to think. It didn’t work in real life, these things happen, and move on, but next time don’t invest so much in someone till you’ve met a few times as the chemistry in real life can be very different indeed.

[GreyhoundLurcher]

Player - not genuine. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, lick your wounds and move on.

[Lassy1945]

This is now a bit daft

OP you have now spent on this thread double the amount of time that you have actually spent in the physical company of this man (in fact considering you started it 14 hours ago, probably more than double).

[GreyhoundLurcher]

Harsh Lassy!

[Lassy1945]

But true!

[CirclesWithinCircles]

@Lassy1945

This is now a bit daft

OP you have now spent on this thread double the amount of time that you have actually spent in the physical company of this man (in fact considering you started it 14 hours ago, probably more than double).

I don't think you can under-estimate how manipulative some people can be though.

People do all sorts of silly things for men they have never eaten met, sending them their life savings, or even marrying them and getting murdered by them. Its a huge problem that the police are all too aware of.

The OP hasn't done any of that, she is simply upset and in shock and pouring it out on an internet thread, which is a productive way of dealing with things. Pretty soon she will feel better. She is reacting like a normal human being, personally I prefer people like that to those with a emotion-free, almost psychopathic reaction to human relationships. She really doesn't need people telling her about her shortcomings or that she wasn't in some way good enough for this player of a man on online dating.

[Bluntness100]

She really doesn't need people telling her about her shortcomings or that she wasn't in some way good enough for this player of a man on online dating

Woa! Steady on, not one person said she was not good enough. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

[Lassy1945]

There is a lot to be said to keeping perspective on things.
Having met the man for a few hours, I think dedicating a day to discussing the fact that he decided to backtrack rather than pursue, is not productive to the OP at all.

[Ohhelpmetoo]

I work in a professional capacity with people who are often manipulative and challenging. I am a little older than you op and have been happily single for many years . I consider myself very switched on and rather suspicious of people’s motives .
A few years ago I met .. not online but via an mutual friend ... a man who I got to know via messaging but with lots of real life contact too . We became friends and he told me about his marriage ending and how he wanted to be with me . To be honest at first I felt a little overwhelmed. I should have listened to my gut feeling . Eventually we planned to move in together , he met my friends etc etc. We were “ together” about 8 months. Then one day he called me , crying , almost hysterical. His son who has “ mental health issues” had seen messages on his dads phone . Was threatening to self harm .
It became apparent that he had lied very convincingly about a lot of things . Was terrified because his wife ( who he , far from being separated from was planning to buy a new house with) had found out . I felt awful , blamed myself for his misery and stopped contact . As others have said , after a few months he began texting, telling me how sad he was , how he was regretting staying with his wife and adult child . For some stupid reason I felt I had to support him . I felt guilty and depressed . This was not helped by the illness and death of a close friend. The day he text and told me how miserable he was although I had just told him of my friends death I saw him for what he was . But this did not stop me from feeling really unhappy . Not because I had “ lost” him but because I had lost my vision of myself as self sufficient and I felt old and gullible . A year later the mutual friend ( not knowing the whole story ) remarked in passing “ have you heard about X ... he has fallen for a neighbour and his wife has found out and is threatening to throw him out. “ apparently he had been bombarding this woman with gifts and planned to move away with her.
Don’t be hard on yourself . You have had a lucky escape . If this had happened to a friend of yours you would have given the same sensible advice as you have been given on here .

[2bazookas]

You met IRL for 4 hours .

We are far more than a face and voice on a screen. What you see on social media is an act. A scripted version of someone trying to be attractive and interesting while editing out their faults or covering up the cracks. You said yourself, "he literally ticked every box for me". That's because he's trying to impress by pleasing you.

Many people with a mental illness, often have great difficulty sustaining any relationship IRL. Social media offers them an opportunity to charm,please,flatter, and present an ideal with no visible MH symptoms. "Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad,". Mmhm.

But when yopu meet that lovely sounding guy IRL, the illness is still there, hasn't gone away. If he confabulated a fantasy life, as many ill people do, he knows he won't be able to sustain the pretence face to face. It's just a script. Possibly one he has performed to other women OLD.

Lying down in the park for four hours with a virtual stranger he never met before, was a great big red alarm signalling disorganised social boundaries.

Please, please be more careful and less credulous on OLD.

[randomer]

Why dont some of you witches fly off.

Think about it,think think.People spend 20 ,30 years writing to each other.They never meet.They are devastated when one dies.Its called emotion,feeling,connection,loneliness.

[Lassy1945]

@randomer

Why dont some of you witches fly off.

Think about it,think think.People spend 20 ,30 years writing to each other.They never meet.They are devastated when one dies.Its called emotion,feeling,connection,loneliness.

Absolutely

This wasn’t 20 or 30 years though.

This was 4 weeks virtual
4 hour in person

So a rather irrelevant analogy!

[Frownette]

It's really impossible to tell his intentions/MH impact on his behaviour.

But you're the important one OP, you sound so vulnerable. You'll be able to pause and regroup soon. Spend time with people who love you and ease yourself back down to earth.

[LicketySplat]

Hi OP. I understand how you feel. I was actually more upset about a man who dumped me in the first flush of the "relationship" than about the end of my marriage. I think it's sometimes harder when things end suddenly when feelings are intense in the early days than when the relationship has run its course and the end has been a long time coming. However, you will get over it. His reasons for ending things aren't relevant. Take care of yourself and on to the next! X

[randomer]

20 years,4 weeks,irrelevant. An overwhelming feeling is just that.

[madrose]

I feel your pain, I'm so sorry. No one should be treated like that.

[tartantroosers]

Many thanks to all you kind people, this has been a comfort today and I willl pick myself up and get on with things. I'm sure lessons will be learned once the dust has settled. TT

[Bluedeblue]

He said that if we saw each other again we would end up going further and then it would be upsetting if it didn't work out

So, using this theory, he is a 55 year old virgin, who should really only have sex after marriage, once he is sure that it's "worked out"? Although, with 50% of marriages breaking down, even that's a gamble.

It just makes no sense. He sounds like hard work tbh and I think you've had a lucky escape.

[Sightforsoreeyez]

@Bubblebu

"(he is 55, same age as me)"

OP I say this (1) not having read the whole thread so please discount if there is something obvious I have missed and (2) from a very cynical point of view about these things, nonetheless sadly i think there is an element of truth in what I am about to say.

he was talking to other woment at the same time he was talking to you. one of the other women was much (or even much much) younger than you. He went for the much younger woman who had suddenly given him the green light. From experience there are a lot and a lot of men out there who are like this.

Are you him?