Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

I had one of these, many moons ago.

Like yours, he was very, very convincing about his supposed feelings for me. And, like yours, he suddenly went cold, blamed it on an illness and gave me a bunch of excuses that didn't quite make sense.

Turns out he did me a favour. Last I heard of him, his pregnant fiancee had thrown him out for cheating on her. He clearly wasn't the lovely bloke he'd pretended to be.

OP, whether he's ill, he's a player or he's simply changed his mind, it all amounts to the same thing: he had his chance, and he didn't want it. Block, delete, look after yourself, you'll feel better soon. If he comes sniffing around again, tell him to do one. If you want a bloke, look for one who won't mess you about.

Thanks everyone. I know I need to get over it- and fast- i normally give myself a stern talking to, phone a couple of mates, and get on. I don't have low self-esteem, I'm not looking for someone to make me happy. But when you've got used to someone taking a lovely interest in your world, showing empathy (which narcisissists don't tend to do- and I've known a few) it's hard to find any explanation. I did write to him, nicely, and he rang me back (at 4am!) to chat but with hindsight it was just him worrying I'd do a mad thing like turning up on his doorstep, which of course I am not intending to do. Just feels so brutal. Sorry about typos, my hands are shaking.

@Nothingyet

I'm a male, 60 years old, so may have a bit on insight. I think he was playing a bit of a game with it being all online, over the phone etc. He is the age he is, still single, for a reason. And you were NOT being foolish "we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours". I had a bit of an EA with a younger woman a couple of years ago, it took me back decades emotionally, all a bit sad as well as nice.

‘He is the age he, still single for a reason’.... are you serious?!

Would you say that to a woman on here?

What a ridiculous, judgemental comment.

I've had intense online relationships that fizzled after meeting in person, and its usually that in person the physical attraction and/or chemistry just isn't there sufficiently. You can have fun and a connection and even good sex but the next day realise you don't want any more. I've been ghosted for what I presume was this, but for myself always tried to be honest, fortunately at the time I wasn't out for a relationship or dating anyone who was. Things can get very intense and then evaporate. At least he's tried to explain, even if clumsily. Also its possible he has seen more than one person when the regs allowed and possibly just liked them a bit more. Its hard though OP, OLD is brutal at times, as is heartbreak x

To be fair, you do have a point and thanks for the comment. He is 55, never married, longest relationshio 2 years, no kids but close to nieces and nephews. Normally that would make me ask questions but he dis say he's missed a chunk of a decade as he got ill around graduating when everyone else was stsrting to build relationships and careers. He had dated women with kids, so it didnt seem the red flag one might otherwise assume.

Op - you’ve not smoked for 5 years and you started up because of this!

Please put the cig down. Don’t let this be the reason you get lung cancer in 5 years time

@tartantroosers

Thanks everyone. I know I need to get over it- and fast- i normally give myself a stern talking to, phone a couple of mates, and get on. I don't have low self-esteem, I'm not looking for someone to make me happy. But when you've got used to someone taking a lovely interest in your world, showing empathy (which narcisissists don't tend to do- and I've known a few) it's hard to find any explanation. I did write to him, nicely, and he rang me back (at 4am!) to chat but with hindsight it was just him worrying I'd do a mad thing like turning up on his doorstep, which of course I am not intending to do. Just feels so brutal. Sorry about typos, my hands are shaking.

No disrespect OP but, personally, I’d be asking myself why this particular flash in the pan had me so bothered - ‘heartbroken’. And I most certainly would accept that I had problems with my (possible) self esteem or ego (same thing, I know) but still equally painful.

Ringing you at 4am is not ok.

OP I would also do a lot of Googling - the whole 'Cambridge art grad' thing sets off my con man radar big time... that or 'I'm doing a PhD in x'

this is schitzophrenia

this is antisocial personality disorder - ie an example of the sort of disorder an abusive person might have, along with NPD

you will see the difference

@tartantroosers

To be fair, you do have a point and thanks for the comment. He is 55, never married, longest relationshio 2 years, no kids but close to nieces and nephews. Normally that would make me ask questions but he dis say he's missed a chunk of a decade as he got ill around graduating when everyone else was stsrting to build relationships and careers. He had dated women with kids, so it didnt seem the red flag one might otherwise assume.

No, they do not have a point! It was a ridiculous and judgmental statement about someone he does not know. You are apparently ‘heartbroken’ over this ‘someone’ - now you feel it’s ok to cast aspersions like this? Oh, ego. It knows no bounds!

What sort of 55-year-old church organist lies around on the ground for four hours with a hard on?

I believe an ending of a relationship (however long or short that may be) can easily & naturally put you into a place of deep grief.

Maybe check out The Good Grief Trust website OP to see if there are any feelings you identify with.

Remember we all have the right to end a relationship without having to give any reasons.

Wanting to know the why of something is a path we choose to avoid feeling the pain - we somehow believe that if we know why then we'll understand and it won't feel so bad. This is not true.

Although it's very painful it is ok to hurt, it is ok to be heartbroken, it is ok to be disappointed. It is ok to think it's you equally it is ok to think it's him.

Remember all emotion is temporary and will pass in time & often it's in the acceptance of any feeling that it begins to fade. Let go of your expectation of being able to handle this via any set or specific way.

Today nurture the heartbroken you just as you would nurture the child you. Be kind & be patient with yourself. Love yourself in a way that this man for whatever reason was unable to continue to do.

There's a difficult book to read called 'If it hurts, it isn't love'. Remind yourself of that sentence every time you focus on the pain and needing to know the 'why'.

You might find 'From Stress To Stillness' another useful resource to help you in the moments when it feels to painful to do/think/say anything.

Mellow, please dont be mean. Im not casting aspersions, it's just that most people who say they want a serious relationship have at some point in life committed to someone, whether they marry or not. I wasnt condmning him for that, in fact I understood why, I thought. Ego is not in it

@SnowAllSpring

What sort of 55-year-old church organist lies around on the ground for four hours with a hard on?

What sort of woman lies on the ground with him then comes on mumsnet looking for sympathy when he ditches her?

As with anything in life OP - on this thread - take the things you like and ignore the rest. No need even to respond to those.

Op I’m sorry. I suspect it may have more to do with his schizophrenia as pp, with experience, have suggested. Fwiw I have similarly intense relationships and conversations at the start of a relationship. And I don’t think there is anything wrong in being in a park together doing what you were, church organist or not!

Londonbrick, thank you. I've been on MN over 10 years and have never askes for help- or sympathy despite divorce, infidelity and other assorted shit. That I am asking now does not make me stupid or a big ego. Just looking for a little kindness.

Gosh,this is so nasty now.

@mellowtimes
"grow up and move on"

! Such insight and maturity

I've encountered a couple of men like this.

They love the connection. And the very initial thrill.

And then that's it. They want it all over again with someone else.

They move on. And on. And on.

They get very good at it. Good at getting people to fall for them and enabling them to reach that high.

Watch out because he might pop up again and try the same thing.

@SnowAllSpring,I stand corrected. I must have got carried away with myself,a bit of me coming in there I suppose. So if it brightens your day any,I apologise.It is not bereavement, the feelings may be similar.OP invested in this.

@randomer

Gosh,this is so nasty now.

Why is it! What is so wrong about a bloke being honest and ending something before it got serious when he knew it needed to be ended? Would it be better if he’d kept her dangling for months? Maybe he also got caught up in the moment like the OP but came to his senses quicker. Would it be more acceptable if the OP had done the dumping!?

Why does this man have to be judged! To make the OP feel better? Has he got a thread going on here looking for sympathy? No. He’s left. As grown ups do and that’s the end of it.

He, meanwhile, has his mental health problems to continue to deal with - not an easy thing! The OP has her ego to deal with.

Can a line be drawn here?

OP , I don't know why he acted as he did, but I wonder if he felt similar to you but was overwhelmed by that? From what you say, he sounds like a decent person so I would suspect that this is about protecting himself in case it didn't work out, rather than treating you badly.
Best wishes.