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AIBU?

Heartbroken- help me understand please

255 replies

tartantroosers · 11/04/2021 03:55

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

OP posts:
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Coffeepot72 · 13/04/2021 14:38

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened. I've got friends who've had similar experiences with online dating - by the time you've spent a month (sometimes more) messaging and talking, you've almost convinced yourself that the future's sorted, even though you've never met.

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kittycorner · 12/04/2021 02:21

I'm sad for you @tartantroosers. It's been a hard year in so many ways, I wonder if he and the relationship were a ray of hope. It's always hard when hope is dashed, especially when out of our control.

You probably would benefit from speaking to someone, and some things to boost your mental health. Walks, catching up with friends. Go easy on yourself right now.

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toiletbrushholder · 11/04/2021 23:02

I've had similar experiences, OLD can lead to an intense fantasy of who the other person is, a relationship that seems more advanced than it is. This happened to me a couple of times when I was younger. In retrospect I am really glad it did, was very painful at the time. Think of it as a lucky escape ❤️

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Bubblebu · 11/04/2021 22:49

Sightforsore...

No definitely not him.

But seen enough to recognise them....

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Hollywolly1 · 11/04/2021 22:36

To be honest here don't get sucked in by him telling you he has a MH condition I'm calling bullshit on that one,its just a very poor excuse some people use to justify them treating other people horribly. I wonder did he possibly get let down very badly by a previous partner or even abandoned by his own mother? and this is his way of getting back at women

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Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 18:32

@Bubblebu

"(he is 55, same age as me)"

OP I say this (1) not having read the whole thread so please discount if there is something obvious I have missed and (2) from a very cynical point of view about these things, nonetheless sadly i think there is an element of truth in what I am about to say.

he was talking to other woment at the same time he was talking to you. one of the other women was much (or even much much) younger than you. He went for the much younger woman who had suddenly given him the green light. From experience there are a lot and a lot of men out there who are like this.

Are you him?
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Bluedeblue · 11/04/2021 18:30

He said that if we saw each other again we would end up going further and then it would be upsetting if it didn't work out

So, using this theory, he is a 55 year old virgin, who should really only have sex after marriage, once he is sure that it's "worked out"? Although, with 50% of marriages breaking down, even that's a gamble.

It just makes no sense. He sounds like hard work tbh and I think you've had a lucky escape.

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tartantroosers · 11/04/2021 18:23

Many thanks to all you kind people, this has been a comfort today and I willl pick myself up and get on with things. I'm sure lessons will be learned once the dust has settled. TT

OP posts:
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madrose · 11/04/2021 18:17

I feel your pain, I'm so sorry. No one should be treated like that.

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randomer · 11/04/2021 18:14

20 years,4 weeks,irrelevant. An overwhelming feeling is just that.

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LicketySplat · 11/04/2021 18:10

Hi OP. I understand how you feel. I was actually more upset about a man who dumped me in the first flush of the "relationship" than about the end of my marriage. I think it's sometimes harder when things end suddenly when feelings are intense in the early days than when the relationship has run its course and the end has been a long time coming. However, you will get over it. His reasons for ending things aren't relevant. Take care of yourself and on to the next! X

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Frownette · 11/04/2021 18:06

It's really impossible to tell his intentions/MH impact on his behaviour.

But you're the important one OP, you sound so vulnerable. You'll be able to pause and regroup soon. Spend time with people who love you and ease yourself back down to earth.

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Lassy1945 · 11/04/2021 18:05

@randomer

Why dont some of you witches fly off.

Think about it,think think.People spend 20 ,30 years writing to each other.They never meet.They are devastated when one dies.Its called emotion,feeling,connection,loneliness.

Absolutely

This wasn’t 20 or 30 years though.

This was 4 weeks virtual
4 hour in person

So a rather irrelevant analogy!
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randomer · 11/04/2021 17:59

Why dont some of you witches fly off.

Think about it,think think.People spend 20 ,30 years writing to each other.They never meet.They are devastated when one dies.Its called emotion,feeling,connection,loneliness.

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2bazookas · 11/04/2021 17:52

You met IRL for 4 hours .

We are far more than a face and voice on a screen. What you see on social media is an act. A scripted version of someone trying to be attractive and interesting while editing out their faults or covering up the cracks. You said yourself, "he literally ticked every box for me". That's because he's trying to impress by pleasing you.

Many people with a mental illness, often have great difficulty sustaining any relationship IRL. Social media offers them an opportunity to charm,please,flatter, and present an ideal with no visible MH symptoms. "Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad,". Mmhm.

But when yopu meet that lovely sounding guy IRL, the illness is still there, hasn't gone away. If he confabulated a fantasy life, as many ill people do, he knows he won't be able to sustain the pretence face to face. It's just a script. Possibly one he has performed to other women OLD.

Lying down in the park for four hours with a virtual stranger he never met before, was a great big red alarm signalling disorganised social boundaries.

Please, please be more careful and less credulous on OLD.

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Ohhelpmetoo · 11/04/2021 17:47

I work in a professional capacity with people who are often manipulative and challenging. I am a little older than you op and have been happily single for many years . I consider myself very switched on and rather suspicious of people’s motives .
A few years ago I met .. not online but via an mutual friend ... a man who I got to know via messaging but with lots of real life contact too . We became friends and he told me about his marriage ending and how he wanted to be with me . To be honest at first I felt a little overwhelmed. I should have listened to my gut feeling . Eventually we planned to move in together , he met my friends etc etc. We were “ together” about 8 months. Then one day he called me , crying , almost hysterical. His son who has “ mental health issues” had seen messages on his dads phone . Was threatening to self harm .
It became apparent that he had lied very convincingly about a lot of things . Was terrified because his wife ( who he , far from being separated from was planning to buy a new house with) had found out . I felt awful , blamed myself for his misery and stopped contact . As others have said , after a few months he began texting, telling me how sad he was , how he was regretting staying with his wife and adult child . For some stupid reason I felt I had to support him . I felt guilty and depressed . This was not helped by the illness and death of a close friend. The day he text and told me how miserable he was although I had just told him of my friends death I saw him for what he was . But this did not stop me from feeling really unhappy . Not because I had “ lost” him but because I had lost my vision of myself as self sufficient and I felt old and gullible . A year later the mutual friend ( not knowing the whole story ) remarked in passing “ have you heard about X ... he has fallen for a neighbour and his wife has found out and is threatening to throw him out. “ apparently he had been bombarding this woman with gifts and planned to move away with her.
Don’t be hard on yourself . You have had a lucky escape . If this had happened to a friend of yours you would have given the same sensible advice as you have been given on here .

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Lassy1945 · 11/04/2021 17:44

There is a lot to be said to keeping perspective on things.
Having met the man for a few hours, I think dedicating a day to discussing the fact that he decided to backtrack rather than pursue, is not productive to the OP at all.

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Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 17:44

She really doesn't need people telling her about her shortcomings or that she wasn't in some way good enough for this player of a man on online dating

Woa! Steady on, not one person said she was not good enough. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

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CirclesWithinCircles · 11/04/2021 17:24

@Lassy1945

This is now a bit daft

OP you have now spent on this thread double the amount of time that you have actually spent in the physical company of this man (in fact considering you started it 14 hours ago, probably more than double).

I don't think you can under-estimate how manipulative some people can be though.

People do all sorts of silly things for men they have never eaten met, sending them their life savings, or even marrying them and getting murdered by them. Its a huge problem that the police are all too aware of.

The OP hasn't done any of that, she is simply upset and in shock and pouring it out on an internet thread, which is a productive way of dealing with things. Pretty soon she will feel better. She is reacting like a normal human being, personally I prefer people like that to those with a emotion-free, almost psychopathic reaction to human relationships. She really doesn't need people telling her about her shortcomings or that she wasn't in some way good enough for this player of a man on online dating.
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Lassy1945 · 11/04/2021 17:18

But true!

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GreyhoundLurcher · 11/04/2021 17:18

Harsh Lassy!

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Lassy1945 · 11/04/2021 17:15

This is now a bit daft

OP you have now spent on this thread double the amount of time that you have actually spent in the physical company of this man (in fact considering you started it 14 hours ago, probably more than double).

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GreyhoundLurcher · 11/04/2021 17:11

Player - not genuine. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, lick your wounds and move on.

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Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 16:38

I don’t think hes trying to keep the op dangling on. He ended it.

He’d only be keeping her dangling on if he said he might want to see her again, he’s done the opposite.

I also don’t think it’s right to classify this as “grieving”l they met once. But I understand what rhe poster is trying to say, I think it’s more hurt, bruised ego, disappointment, sadness, a sense of rejection, and embarrassment that after meeting in real life once he didn’t wish to see her again, when the op was feeling something very different about him.

I’d just try to think. It didn’t work in real life, these things happen, and move on, but next time don’t invest so much in someone till you’ve met a few times as the chemistry in real life can be very different indeed.

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butterpuffed · 11/04/2021 16:28

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and hope it won't be too long before you're able to look back on it as a happy month you had Flowers

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