Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

[Aprilx]

It is unfortunate that you invested so much time into the relationship before you met IRL. In more normal times you presumably would have met in person much quicker and then had you not clicked you both could have moved on without a backwards glance. As it was you had too much time to build things up in your head that simply didn’t exist.

I think it is slightly weird that he brought up health problems from his 20s the first time he met you. But that aside, I think he just decided in person that you are not for him, for whatever reason he didn’t want to convey that on the first in person date, but that is what it boils down to.

I don’t think you are a bad judge of character, nobody can judge whether they will click in person, no matter how much time they have spent online.

[TartanPunk]

What Aprilx said. Be kind to yourself, move on and believe that someone worthy of you will come into your life.

[Sniv]

It's also worth considering that he may not be at all who he told you he was and that's why he's backed off. It's very, very easy to 'mirror' someone online, tell them what they want to hear, and come off a their soul mate - and harder to do IRL where the cracks will show much easier. It may be the case that you personality you spoke to online doesn't exist at all

[Allwokedup]

I don’t know why some people do this, but I’ve heard of this sort of thing happening time and time again. It’s shit, sorry op.

[Standrewsschool]

I think he loved bombed you as well. From a distance, he could be the perfect man, and you probably pay felt that he was Mr Right. However, maybe he preferred the long distant fantasy romance, then reality.

Apart from maybe being taken for a fool, you’ve done nothing wrong, apart from letting the emotions get the better of you. You’re grieving for the romance that you hoped this would be. Take care of of yourself.

[HeartsAndClubs]

I agree that he realised that you weren’t for him. And it’s worth bearing in mind that he may have felt the same strength of feeling that you did, and just walking away at the time might not be the kind of person he is.

I think that it’s hard to understand how easily something which you consider to be fairly deep and intense can develop online. You’re only talking at the good times, you talk about all the things you want to talk about and then you can build the rest up in your head.

And fact is that people who meet online often do follow that through in person, but for some it just doesn’t work out like that.

I don’t necessarily think it was lovebombing or that he’s a narcissist. I genuinely think that it can be really hard to tell someone you just didn’t feel it in RL after all, and so for him the “it just won’t work long term” angle was the only one he could think to take.

On the plus side, at least he didn’t ghost you. Many would have.

[Shrivelled]

We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day

I’m not trying to be cruel but if you spend hours and hours of your time talking to or messaging someone before you meet in person, someone’s going to get very hurt if either one of you doesn’t feel the spark IRL. I’m a big advocate for OLD (I met my husband OLD), but save your energy for meeting in person when you can get the real measure of someone. You might not have even been that keen on this guy yourself if you’d only had a couple of dates in person.

[YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators]

You have dodged a bullet. What a relief; he's shown you what he's about and now you can walk away. Phew!

I dated someone who went on to be a massively destructive force in my life and they pulled a very similar stunt to this early on. Love-bombing, disclosure of early MH issues (probably coincidence), followed by sudden withdrawal, which stupidly made me go in after him, thinking I ought to somehow save the day. I didn't know it then, but that was the whole point, and it set the scene for an excruciating, repeating cycle of bait and switch behaviour in what became a very sad chapter of my life.

You're so much better out of this one, OP.

[Arbadacarba]

However, "...we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours". Honestly? At 55? That really was undignified and you'd only just met him!

What has the OP's age got to do with it? If you don't think people kissing on the grass is 'dignified' then fair enough, but it's no less dignified for a 55 year old than for a 25 year old.

I agree with other comments - for whatever reason, the reality of this relationship wasn't what the man wanted.

Face to face meeting has been difficult lately for obvious reasons, but now restrictions are easing I would recommend meeting in person as soon as you can. There's no point in wasting hours chatting online if, when you meet up, for one or both of you, the chemistry isn't there. I learned that the hard way more than 20 years ago, only in my case it had been about three months of online interaction.

[pam290358]

Do you think the way he is behaving could be part of the mental health condition he was talking about ? He says it was in his twenties but if he’s still being medicated for it in his fifties, rather than being a past issue it sounds as though it’s very much in the present. If this is the case and it’s causing problems at the start of the relationship then you have to consider that it would likely continue to have an impact. You may be better closing the door on this and resolving not to have further contact if/when his mood changes and he contacts you again.

[user1493494961]

I doubt he's a 'church organ playing Cambridge Arts graduate' either.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

Not my personal experience but that of my eldest who is single and mid 20s. She thinks that she invested far more than normal or sensible in "virtual" relationships and lived a whole lot more in her head due to lockdown.

[LadyWithLapdog]

Whatever his reasons, leave him to it. I’m sorry you’re hurting but you know it will pass.

[ansikuso]

sorry to know

[Cowbells]

I suspect he felt safe getting to know you from the safety of behind a screen. But a real person after all that time is a bit of sensory overload.

Do nothing. He may find he misses your chats and get in touch. If I really liked him I'd give him one no-messing-about chance. Tell him to stop being a wuss and to risk a real life person, a real relationship. If he dithers, I'd backoff and not make contact again. But don't go back to spending hours chatting to him online. Either meet in person or nothing at all.

If he doesn't crawl back saying he misses you, then it probably is just that the meet up didn't work for him as well as you felt it had. That's painful, but it's one meet up, one month of chatting. You will get over it.

[Accentor]

Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah.

Oh, OP. He played you like a fiddle

[Cowbells]

There is another possibility - he may have severe cold feet that his mental health issues, (still on medication you say) are more obvious in person, over the course of time. He might be scared that he won't be able to control them and keep his best face on as he can in a screen relationship.

If you really want to, you could ask if his decision is based on fear or lack of connection with you when you met. If fear, you could (if you want) give him a chance. But bear in mind you have had a good life and you may not want it to disappear down the rabbit hole of supporting a middle aged man with MH issues just as your son is growing up and you are starting to have true freedom.

[tartantroosers]

Thanks for all your posts. To answer a few Qs, i know he is who he said- he has a business profile and yes, he took me to his church "virtually" and played for me, and also from his home. We watched online arts events together and he def knew his stuff. He told me about his MH issues face to face as he didnt want to do it over facetime , which i get. But the killer is that when we met he was def into me, it was very loving and it was clear he wanted more, if that's not TMI. And no, we weren't groping about like teenagers. I have more dignity. It was thst he carried on after we met, in thebsame way, and then suddenly it was weird things like he didnt drive on the M25 , blah. Agree it was too intense too fast, but he got to parts odnme thst literally no one ( twice married, lots of boyforends) has ever before. I was in a good place and not fragile - i am a professional working mum. So sad.

[tartantroosers]

And no, he wasnt on the dating site from the day we spoke until it stopped, so well over a month. How many more women are going to get this 'treatment'

[polkadotpixie]

I actually disagree with most of the previous posters. Not everyone is a narcissist who intentionally sets out to love bomb and manipulate you...maybe he's just a man freaking out because he likes you and doesn't know how to handle it, it's hardly unheard of!

[Cowbells]

If I really, really liked him, I'd be tempted to challenge him and say, 'Of course it could work. It could be marvellous, as you well know. You're just scared.'

[RaginSpice]

OP sometimes people just lose the spark. Go all in for a few months and one day just lose it and it doesn’t come back. Don’t put your all into a relationship so soon on.

Don’t pour over what happened, nothing could be different, and quite simply if men want to they will. There will be another that’s right for you.

[iMatter]

Is he back on the dating website now?

[Lassy1945]

@tartantroosers

And no, he wasnt on the dating site from the day we spoke until it stopped, so well over a month. How many more women are going to get this 'treatment'

What has he done wrong?

You got on well virtually
You met, had a smooch.
You went away falling in love
He went away thinking “not for me”
And told you ASAP (but like loads of us would have done, not said “you’re not for me”, used practical reasons as an excuse so as not to hurt your feelings”

[Coving]

Everything @pictish said. And this guy doesn’t have to be a monster/love-bomber/scammer etc, just someone who, like the OP, over-invested unwisely for too long before meeting, but unlike her, realised on meeting it wasn’t going to work for him.

Something similar happened to a male friend of mine last year, only because of lockdowns, it was nearly five months before they met, and similarly, after an apparently great first date, she told him it wasn’t going to work for her. The thing is, I know her slightly too — she’s a friend of a friend I’ve met a couple of times — and she’s no monster, and is exactly as she represented herself to him. She just realised he wasn’t the one for her when they met, and he felt differently.