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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:

cripez · 08/04/2021 15:07

Mine can be like this, it's bloody exhausting.

Original poster

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:10

@cripez

Mine can be like this, it's bloody exhausting.

It really is. He'll stumble into bed and spend a good twenty minutes clearing out email, muttering about how busy he is. That it's just unbelievably insane how many messages he has. I'll suggest (maybe with a little bitterness) maybe he wouldn't be so busy if he actually stopped talking about how busy and snowed under he was. Just for one day

OP posts:

wandawombat · 08/04/2021 15:11

Donkeys years ago, I had the nearest I'll ever get to a corporate job. I spent the year I was there chatting to senior people about random things. One of the issues they struggled with was high-flyers who had always had some sort of recognition every few years. So exam success, degrees, then minor promotions. As that rate of validation levelled off, they would become disgruntled...

How old is your DH?

Hadalifeonce · 08/04/2021 15:11

Has something happened which has resulted in him needing constant validation?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2021 15:13

Is he 5 years old? I could not deal with this level of self-absorbtion and narcissism.

Sexnotgender · 08/04/2021 15:13

That sounds utterly tedious.

Hankunamatata · 08/04/2021 15:16

Is he under confident or an ass?

Original poster

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:19

Interesting perspective. Thank you. He's 39! His excuse for not attending various social meets is he's very busy with work. I get it. But how many times can I say that tired old line? It's exhausting. He's hardly running NASA. He'll then get upset I don't tell people how busy he is because he is sooooo busy. I have had random people we know tell me he's told them he's been cranking away at 2 am due to an unmanageable schedule it's as though he takes immense pride in it. It makes me feel bad because we have only just had a baby and whilst he is a great father and loves our baby.... He is simply TOO BUSY but one of this days his weekends will get easier. It does my head in. I just find him so... dull...He is more than just his neverending achievements and constant strife re work but I think that man is almost buried away. Needed to vent.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2021 15:25

If I were you, I would try to get him to go to counselling with you, because this dynamic has disaster written all over it. Your irritation and resentment are going to grow out of control and your marriage will be doomed. You've already lost a lot of respect and attraction for him.

SnarkyBag · 08/04/2021 15:27

God how tedious I think it might be time to be a bit frank with him about how he is coming across.

BarbaraofSeville · 08/04/2021 15:28

Make him a sticker chart.

Today Dave managed to send 47 emails and spent 4 hours on Teams meetings. Go Dave.

ComDummings · 08/04/2021 15:30

Sounds tiresome. I can’t stand chronically ‘busy’ people. We get it, you’re so busy and important.

Sexnotgender · 08/04/2021 15:31

@BarbaraofSeville

Make him a sticker chart.

Today Dave managed to send 47 emails and spent 4 hours on Teams meetings. Go Dave.

God yes. Please do 😂

Sexnotgender · 08/04/2021 15:32

I’d love to know what his BIG IMPORTANT JOB is. Bet it’s not that big or important.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 08/04/2021 15:33

How do you tolerate it? Genuinely - he'd drive me insane.

I have very limited sympathy for people who complain or attention seek all the time, I'm afraid.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 08/04/2021 15:33

@Aquamarine1029 makes very good points. Especially as you've had a baby and he's too busy being important to look after said baby. You'll end up doing everything at home even once you go back to work.If .You do and you'll end up hating him.

lulujuju · 08/04/2021 15:34

I have the same OP and it's exhausting. I felt so resentful and bitter when he didn't prioritise our beautiful DD when she was a baby, he's a bit better now but sometimes he never feels present as his mind is elsewhere.

SharpLily · 08/04/2021 15:34

Have you told him this, using the same language you have here? Basically explained how tedious he is and the effect it is having on you?

FishyFriday · 08/04/2021 15:34

@BarbaraofSeville

Make him a sticker chart.

Today Dave managed to send 47 emails and spent 4 hours on Teams meetings. Go Dave.

Definitely do this.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 08/04/2021 15:34

@Sexnotgender

I’d love to know what his BIG IMPORTANT JOB is. Bet it’s not that big or important.

Unless it's Boris

I doubt he's that important

Emeraldshamrock · 08/04/2021 15:36

There's no pride like self pride.
Tell him to get over himself learn to be successful with humbleness.

BuckysArm · 08/04/2021 15:36

I think whenever work becomes the biggest thing in your life, for good or bad, we forget that it isn’t actually relevant to anyone else.

My DH is the other way. Hates his job/career path, can’t stand his boss, doesn’t know what he wants to do instead. And he wants to talk about it all the time but dismisses anything encouraging I say. So although I don’t know what you’re going through, I can recognise the tedium when work becomes the sole focus.

It’s going to be an horrendous conversation but I’d remind him that being busy isn’t a sign of productivity - it’s quite the opposite. He’s doing something wrong if he can’t manage his job in the hours he’s assigned, and if he’s pushing too far he’s set himself up for his employers having unrealistic expectations.

SnarkyBag · 08/04/2021 15:38

I’m loving the reward chart idea. everytime you give him a sticker ruffle his hair and “good adulting today honey”

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/04/2021 15:42

He sounds a bit insecure actually, OP. I've read about the term 'imposter syndrome' and I think it might be applicable. Anybody who needs that amount of validation from other people is lacking internal self-reference.

If this were my husband, I'd remind him that I married him, not his role. That he's as important as I am in this marriage and that when he shuts the front door after a day's work, I'm his priority and he's mine.

Your husband, OP, should be more cognisant of the daily struggle that you're facing just getting up in the morning - and making you feel validated. He is not the most important person in the world but you should be the most important person in his world.

magicstar1 · 08/04/2021 15:43

Sounds like he needs to hear the song "Cats in the Cradle" a few times on a loop

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