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AIBU?

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Original poster

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:
CockneyCutie · 08/04/2021 16:16

Send us his email, op, then we can all bombard him with emails congratulating him on his ‘busyness’😁
If Boris can fanny around doing whatever with whomever whilst ‘running the country’ surely your Dh can separate his work and home life? Nobody is THAT important!!
Sending sympathy💐

lazyarse123 · 08/04/2021 16:16

It’s going to be an horrendous conversation but I’d remind him that being busy isn’t a sign of productivity - it’s quite the opposite. He’s doing something wrong if he can’t manage his job in the hours he’s assigned, and if he’s pushing too far he’s set himself up for his employers having unrealistic expectations.
I was trying to find the words to say exactly this.

Hardbackwriter · 08/04/2021 16:18

I think whenever work becomes the biggest thing in your life, for good or bad, we forget that it isn’t actually relevant to anyone else.

I think this is very astute, and also that some fields particularly encourage this mindset. One of the reasons I left academia was that when I was on maternity I had this sudden revelation/emperor's new clothes moment where I realised how massively I (and almost everyone around me professionally, which was where I spent most of my social as well as my work time) had been overestimating the extent to which anyone outside of a handful of people actually cared about our sub-discipline.

gamerchick · 08/04/2021 16:18

@BarbaraofSeville

Make him a sticker chart.

Today Dave managed to send 47 emails and spent 4 hours on Teams meetings. Go Dave.

I was just about to suggest asking him if he wants a star chart.

Anyone who needs constant validation is either overwhelmed or has self esteem issues. I'd be asking him which one it is.

AcornAutumn · 08/04/2021 16:18

"It makes me feel bad because we have only just had a baby "

Oh dear. I was about to just say how annoying this type is, but now I am wondering if he is seeking attention...which is worse!

I hate the martyr factor when no one cares how much the person is doing...or might even want them to do less!

RubyFakeLips · 08/04/2021 16:24

What a turn off!

Think you need to have a talk, as awkward as it will be.

WhatMattersMost · 08/04/2021 16:27

Underneath your super-busy, very important husband is a little boy who is profoundly lacking in self-esteem.

Hardbackwriter · 08/04/2021 16:31

To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.

Rereading this I don't think it's a work issue but a personality one - I think if you can persuade him to step back a bit from work you'll end up with someone who bores everyone about his 10k time, his golf handicap, or about how incredibly advanced your baby is (though you may at least find the last one sweet!). I think work is the outlet for his boastful competitiveness (which does sound really obnoxious) rather than the source of it, though if his colleagues are like this too it might well be making it worse.

PinkiOcelot · 08/04/2021 16:32

He was upset because he wasn’t congratulated by a colleague? What a dick.

If he’s having to work until that time in the morning, he isn’t all that efficient is he?!

TheCraicDealer · 08/04/2021 16:33

It sounds like he talks so much about work because he has literally nothing else to talk about. And that's actually pretty fucking sad. He's a on a one way route to a nervous breakdown, maybe not this year, but 5, 10 years down the line he'll hit a wall. I've had colleagues like that and it's sad to watch.

In the meantime you could direct his more boring rants to LinkedIn? Then you can say something like "I don't really get the ins and outs of it; if you did a post on it you might prompt some decent discussion with colleagues?". Then if he doesn't get the hint be more blunt.

Tabitha005 · 08/04/2021 16:33

My husband is a bit like this. We both work from home and the amount of sighing and muttering that goes on from his end of the house because everyone else is a dunce and the company would collapse without him drives me nuts. I shout; 'Alright mumbles'! at regular intervals up the hallway and he goes; 'Oh, sorry, can you hear me'. Every. Single. Time.

He also tries to make ME an expert in what HE does which, similarly, drives me mental. I don't need to be a marketing and branding hot shot in the same way that he doesn't need to know a tin shit about what I do (and which, in my opinion is WAAAAAAY more important than marketing and branding, but I don't say that because I think his fucken head would explode with the incomprehension).

PatsyStone39 · 08/04/2021 16:34

Write to Blue Peter and see if you can get him a badge.

BigFatLiar · 08/04/2021 16:34

Tell him if he was really good at his job he'd have managed to organise himself to do it all during office hours.

Fortunately we worked in environments where you weren't expected to take work home. I was expected to leave everything in the office and if moving between offices any notes would be sent on separately. OH's place expected him to clear off his desk and lock all his work including notes in a safe at the end of the day, taking work home would have been a major issue.

Home/work keep them separate as much as possible. Employers tend to take the mick expecting lots of unpaid overtime.

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/04/2021 16:35

Was he like this before you had the baby? Or is it some kind of pre-emptive strike to avoid any expectations that he might have to do any of the parenting that he doesn't want to?

OP he sounds dull, people who don't make space in their lives for things other than work just are (time limited deadlines or emergencies aside). He also sounds inefficient at his job and/or they don't value him. If he was that much of a high flier, he'd have an EA to be sorting out his inbox for him, so he doesn't have to be deleting emails in bed.

Have a frank conversation with him about what is going on and what is his plan for getting a better work life balance. If he's not interested, then run!

ElysiumFeels · 08/04/2021 16:35

I think he's my boss.

SionnachGlic · 08/04/2021 16:35

I lover the sticker chart idea 😂😂. Please do that.

And tell him you appreciate he works hard & glad he is achieving blah blah but it is dull as dishwater listening to it every waking moment & how a colleague didn't congratulate etc & this obsessive bore is not who you married. He'll only get worse if you don't.
Unless it is total stress has him saying all this & he hates his job & is looking for an out....

Susannahmoody · 08/04/2021 16:36

Anyone who says they are busy obviously isn't.

Ellie56 · 08/04/2021 16:37

He sounds like a massive boring tit. He would drive me nuts too.

Susannahmoody · 08/04/2021 16:38

I had been overestimating the extent to which anyone outside of a handful of people actually cared about our sub-discipline.

^

This. No-one else gives a shit

WhyNotNow21 · 08/04/2021 16:38

Just a reverse psychology thing - is he feeling the pressure of a one income family? Are you going back to work?

Is he flouncing around because underneath it all he's worried about surviving on one income and this is his subconsious way of 'showing how utterly productive he is'? or is he perhaps in competition with the baby?

Not excusing his diva behaviour at all but maybe there's something deeper going on.

I do think men can swing towards trivialising family life after having a baby as though "that's women's work" and it ups the ante into their "me big important chest-beating tarzan person, going out to save the world"

Not an uncommon dynamic.

Brainfogisreal · 08/04/2021 16:38

He actually sounds really insecure if he's relying on the praise of others to feel good about himself. Maybe some therapy could help him work out why he needs so much approval.

wandawombat · 08/04/2021 16:39

Maybe he doesn't want to share you?

My DH is very into competitive suffering, he's retired now & is struggling to find reasons to suffer.

The other thought might be the "Peter Principle", where he's been promoted to his level of incompetence?

sashagabadon · 08/04/2021 16:41

I have a colleague like this and yes he would be less busy if he stopped telling everyone how busy he is. I once told him that where he was going wrong was in replying to his emails as that just created more emails and he looked at me like Confused

Lassy1945 · 08/04/2021 16:41

Could it be that you are very sensitive about this and perhaps see it as more than others more objectively see it?

OlivesTree · 08/04/2021 16:43

Could you congratulate him with a gift of a time-management course?