Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

[AdifferentGoat]

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

He's not my brother-in-law is he?

@ComDummings

Sounds tiresome. I can’t stand chronically ‘busy’ people. We get it, you’re so busy and important.

I think this has been exacerbated over lockdown. Everyone I speak to is busier than everyone else 🙄

I have a DB like this. He doesnt look for the congratulations but really keeps harping on about how busy he is and he's the most busy out of his team at work, and the rest of the family. Also forgets that he has told me previously that some of the pictures hes sent of huge piles of paperwork he has to get through, he has admitted to me that half of it wasnt paperwork, and some was already done! I do worry about the attitude affecting his job though as I think his colleagues are starting to tire of him.

He sounds utterly self absorbed and exhaustingly tedious. Why does he need constant affirmations? You get it, he’s really really great! He needs to get out of his own arse.

Oh god. This is all smoke and mirrors.

He probably feels way out of his depth in some way so this “busy busy look at busy me” is all a massive distraction. What is he like with the baby?

You can’t change people like this. My DH is on his own planet. He ended up running about 8 companies and god knows what on the side. Its been like a rollercoaster being married to him. On the plus side, he’s made a lot of money. On the minus side, he’s not really normal and I can see this now. Then there are the countless extreme hobbies to obsess about in any second of spare time because these just create more logistics and busy busy look at me. I’ve had 20 years of it. I take no notice and live my life because you can’t change this kind of man.

My DH started a new job last year, far more demanding and probably important than his last, I know he’s doing well because he has already been given a performance pay rise. But other than that I have no idea about anything. The most he talks about his job is, I have a busy day tomorrow so will be locked in my office all day or I’ve got a quiet afternoon so I will pick the DCs up if you want? I might find out if there is a problem for him to fix if it’s pissed him off due to his body language, he wouldn’t volunteer this information but if I ask he well tell me some incompetent idiot somewhere has done something somewhere creating a shit load if work for him to clear up. Buts that’s it. His last job was the same, I only knew how well he was doing when I saw his leaving card and what his bosses and work mates wrote about him.

If he did tell me how wonderfully important and busy he is my response would be well done you, just as long as your not too important to take the bins out and change shitty nappies I don’t really care.

he's been cranking away at 2 am due to an unmanageable schedule

try asking him whether he is crap at time management, or delegating work to his team.
Or both.

Are you Carrie Symonds?

If he's too busy to have downtime then he's not coping. This is not an achievement. He needs to know this.

I'd buy a pack of gold star stickers and put one on his forehead, lunchbox, toothbrush or anywhere else he can show them off. He'll learn...!

@BarbaraofSeville

Make him a sticker chart.

Today Dave managed to send 47 emails and spent 4 hours on Teams meetings. Go Dave.

Omg yes do that 😂😂😂

@AdifferentGoat

Interesting perspective. Thank you. He's 39! His excuse for not attending various social meets is he's very busy with work. I get it. But how many times can I say that tired old line? It's exhausting. He's hardly running NASA. He'll then get upset I don't tell people how busy he is because he is sooooo busy. I have had random people we know tell me he's told them he's been cranking away at 2 am due to an unmanageable schedule it's as though he takes immense pride in it. It makes me feel bad because we have only just had a baby and whilst he is a great father and loves our baby.... He is simply TOO BUSY but one of this days his weekends will get easier. It does my head in. I just find him so... dull...He is more than just his neverending achievements and constant strife re work but I think that man is almost buried away. Needed to vent.

He's grooming you for the fact he'll be much toooo busy to do any parenting .

Maybe he can feel you aren't so keen on him at the moment, and his anxiety about it is showing by him trying to prove how devoted and hardworking he is to you?

Admitting that he feels crap about somebody not recognising something he's done at work could be because he doesn't feel as valuable in your eyes? So he's admitting vulnerabilities and trying to communicate insecurity without putting what could be seen as pressure on you?

Men can and do buckle under the strain and suffer from depression and other mental illnesses, too.

The "unmanageable schedule " may be unmanageable by him rather than unmanageable per se. He sounds way out of his depth.
This might explain the lack of congratulations from colleagues

Performance busyness 😂
Well of course the poor lamb needs a round of applause.
Sounds to me like he's setting you up so that you won't ask him to do the menial day to day housework, especially given you have a new baby.
The next thing will be him needing to feel more appreciated for "babysitting" his own child. I learned that one from bitter experience but I'm old and jaded. 🤷‍♀️

Reading your post makes me wonder if you’re married to a colleague of mine. Even my workplace are running out of ways to stroke his ego about how much of a pioneer he is, I can’t imagine what his poor wife is going through 😂

Is he really "too busy" or is he just poor at time management and setting priorities?

Sorry for my late response. I was putting the baby to bed. She seems very busy herself with trying to manoevre her chubby little body over the crib 😉 I'm typing this in the dark as baby grumbles so please forgive me if I sound a bit deranged. Firstly, I am entirely taken aback by all the insight/support/funny anecdotes. Thank you. I wish I had joined earlier. So there were a number of questions and I'll try to answer what I can.
Re his work, he does have a pretty good role in a tech company but I cannot say which one or role as it would be outing so we are comfortable in that sense BUT and there is a large but here... The question is at what cost. I feel alone. That or I'll have to drape excel sheets over my head to get attention. He gets better to get worse again. There is always some emergency. Someone is not performing up to standard etc.
Believe me I have tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive says even his assistant thinks he is managing his time while considering his schedule is just 'shocking'. Again he does have a demanding role but truly from the sounds of it, you'd think he was eradicating world hunger. I then went on to state that naturally she would agree with him. She works for him He then said his team thinks he's incredibly efficient. But of course they work say that. They are his subordinates and with the way the world is today, they are just as trapped as I am (apologies I could not resist) However his best argument to date is that he has 'no life' outside work and his family (my baby and I) and any moment he is not working is dedicated to us. That he's not out and about faffing around, wasting time on mindless crap. So I suppose I should be grateful I'm married to a human version of Excel.
It's really hard to encompass a person into a post but to give you a better idea re him and maybe this is also for my sake as I'm trying to gain clarity here as I worry he is literally working himself into an early grave...So,he is a good man in the sense he is highly ethical, great sense of humor (hard to find these days), kind and sensitive. He 'wishes' he could be around more. He 'yearns' for balance. Perhaps part of the reason he is like this is due to a very problematic upbringing whereby they were near homelessness for a while there. I don't know.
I simply think I'm losing him. I feel drained. All I hear throughout the day are the ear-wrenching tap tap taps of an exhausted keyboard. Also the monotous zoom calls that go on forever. They have infiltrated into my dreams. I'm so bored. So dreadfully bored. And lonely. But is it me with impossible expectations? If things are constantly in 'crisis', does that not spell a greater problem?
The saddest part of all this is my fondest memory of this year is contracting covid with him It was two weeks of bliss. He was quite sick and barely picked up his phone or laptop (though he had spent a good portion of the night prior to diagnosis hollering about how he would 'battle his way' through as the company needed him... Because of course it'll fall apart without him)... We actually talked. Felt like a family. But the minute he was better. He was right back at it.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. I just don't know how to get him to see that this kind of life is unsustainable. That and no one... I mean no one gives a shit re how busy it is. He has mentioned the imposter syndrome before....
Anyhoo if you have managed to read through my stream of consciousness, thank you. Baby is now grumbling very loudly indeed. I'm no longer fooling her by typing under the crib I'll be back later to respond to others. Thank you again. Made me feel better.

@BarbaraofSeville

Make him a sticker chart.

Today Dave managed to send 47 emails and spent 4 hours on Teams meetings. Go Dave.

Most perfect response.

Oh dear. I thought I had put paragraphs in. Apologies for the massive block of text

This is a properly damaging dynamic and some - though far from all - companies recognise it as such. It's about the rush to be busy, to do 'stuff' rather than focusing on the transformative thinking that can make a real difference to people/profits/processes. It's very common in 'middle man managers' and is a reason why they don't get promoted - because they're doing the wrong things with their time, and their managers see it.

He needs some coaching and some development work to replace the habit of busy with the habit of important.

Unless he's doing this to avoid parenting, in which case he just needs dumped.

his team thinks he's incredibly efficient
Do they tell him this? . Why?

@Sacredspace

Are you Carrie Symonds?

@Sacredspace don't be silly, the Prime Minister is only a part timer. Reading emails in bed? Never.

To the OPs original point and one of the responses. Time management and perhaps things such as delegation may actually be weaknesses of your DH. Never mind his fragile ego. He's not someone I'd be keen on working with from what I read.

Tell him he's boring you and he's boring others. And whilst he might not care about boring his wife, boring other people might impact on his precious career as it makes him look inadequate.
Tell him that it's more an attribute of the David Brents of this world than of Alpha Males.

.... pays the bills though !.