Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

[AdifferentGoat]

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

I know even if I were to leave now, he'd never be the type to battle re finances and what not (I know this about him as he's incredibly fair when it comes to that and has showcased it in past).

Don’t rely on that. Prepare for him being a bastard about it and if he isn’t it’s a nice bonus. So, so many women expect their husband to be their usual fair/generous selves in a separation and then get a nasty surprise. Especially as he will probably do his best to replace you with another woman to moan at almost immediately - most men do this anyway, but he in particular really doesn’t sound like the type to relish having no audience. Or no one to do the woman’s work in the house.

I've worked with and for a number of people like this in a number of industries as an in house counsellor. They often truly believe that without them the business if not the world would collapse . Their whole sense of value and worth is so tied up in the status of 'hero' at work that family is an irritation that has to paid lip service .
They are strongly defensive and resistant to the notion that they are doing anything that isnt noble and sacrificial .

.in my sessions with these types I always highlighted how temporary their value to a company is compared to their value to their family ; it never went down well when I told them that if they dropped dead at work they'd be missed for a day and forgotten in a week, and are totally expendable, whereas their family would mourn thejr loss for ever ..( though if their workaholic ways meant they'd checked out of family life perhaps the family wouldn't be that fussed either )
Cant say I always made a difference to their behaviour but at least it was on the table .

I'm so tired of him and his inability to simply even consider the option that indeed things can be reshuffled somehow as to give us all balance. He's obsessed and simply not willing to accept (even though he knows it to be the case) that this life is not sustainable

I’d suggest that he doesn’t want to reshuffle things. Because he enjoys what he’s doing more than he enjoys spending time with you and his child.

He’s not unable, he’s unwilling.

I’m sorry to be so blunt. But if he wasn’t happy he would change it.

I’m telling you this now so you don’t spend more time ( years ? ) trying to help him and persuade him that things could be different. I know he says it’s not a choice but it very definitely is.

I know this because I used to be married to him ( not literally obv ) .

And yes it is sustainable for him. If / when you leave him, he will replace you very quickly, because he needs staff at home. So be prepared for this. He will find another woman and tell her his sob story of how his ex didn’t love and support him, she was selfish and demanding. He will wine and dine her ( surprisingly finding the time away from work ) and she will fall into his arms, promising to be everything that you are not.

Remember that he’s only pretending that his life is hard - he LOVES it. It’s like running marathons - they all collapse on the finishing line, say never again and then refuse to wait a couple of weeks ( as advised ) to start training for the next one.

My ex is still working like that in his 60s. The only people it’s not sustainable for are you and baby. Your husband is A OK.

And he will almost certainly be very mean about money if you leave him.

See how he has 100 creative ways of avoiding spending time with you and his baby? And 100 excuses for why work is important and you are not ? Soon he will have 100 reasons for why you are not getting any of his hard earned cash and 100 creative ways of avoiding child support.

This is very easy in the UK if you are self employed or own your own business but I don’t know about the law where you are.

Remember that the work and the money are what give him life meaning. He’s not going to let you take either of them away from him.

So plan your leaving very carefully, I’d start saving money somewhere safe now if you can.

I’d also get legal advice sooner rather than later. Don’t leave it a year. Remember you can get the advice but not tell anyone or act on it.

OP
I think @IONA is giving you wise advice above.

Focus on getting well.

Prepare for the worst, that he will NOT be fair, and hope for the best.

He will replace you quickly.
His EGO is critical to him.
He will need someone to bore the arse off.

Stop arguing with him.
It's exhausting.
It lowers your immunity to be arguing and getting.
Focus on shoring up your strength, mentally and otherwise.
Organise yourself financially over the next year.
Use your energy to get well, plan and exit as necessary.

Squirreling away money IS a good idea.

@I0NA

I'm so tired of him and his inability to simply even consider the option that indeed things can be reshuffled somehow as to give us all balance. He's obsessed and simply not willing to accept (even though he knows it to be the case) that this life is not sustainable

I’d suggest that he doesn’t want to reshuffle things. Because he enjoys what he’s doing more than he enjoys spending time with you and his child.

He’s not unable, he’s unwilling.

I’m sorry to be so blunt. But if he wasn’t happy he would change it.

I’m telling you this now so you don’t spend more time ( years ? ) trying to help him and persuade him that things could be different. I know he says it’s not a choice but it very definitely is.

I know this because I used to be married to him ( not literally obv ) .

And yes it is sustainable for him. If / when you leave him, he will replace you very quickly, because he needs staff at home. So be prepared for this. He will find another woman and tell her his sob story of how his ex didn’t love and support him, she was selfish and demanding. He will wine and dine her ( surprisingly finding the time away from work ) and she will fall into his arms, promising to be everything that you are not.

Remember that he’s only pretending that his life is hard - he LOVES it. It’s like running marathons - they all collapse on the finishing line, say never again and then refuse to wait a couple of weeks ( as advised ) to start training for the next one.

My ex is still working like that in his 60s. The only people it’s not sustainable for are you and baby. Your husband is A OK.

And he will almost certainly be very mean about money if you leave him.

See how he has 100 creative ways of avoiding spending time with you and his baby? And 100 excuses for why work is important and you are not ? Soon he will have 100 reasons for why you are not getting any of his hard earned cash and 100 creative ways of avoiding child support.

This is very easy in the UK if you are self employed or own your own business but I don’t know about the law where you are.

Remember that the work and the money are what give him life meaning. He’s not going to let you take either of them away from him.

So plan your leaving very carefully, I’d start saving money somewhere safe now if you can.

I’d also get legal advice sooner rather than later. Don’t leave it a year. Remember you can get the advice but not tell anyone or act on it.

It's okay. I appreciate the bluntness. To a degree it's good for me to recognize that even though I do not want it to be over, he might just not ever be able to give me what I need to be happy.

He just called telling me he doesn't want to be at odds and 'next week' the schedule will be easier and that he's taking an extra day off. I know it's my pulling away that does this but I don't want a back and forth either. I'm mentally exhausted.

@billy1966

OP I think *@IONA* is giving you wise advice above.

Focus on getting well.

Prepare for the worst, that he will NOT be fair, and hope for the best.

He will replace you quickly.
His EGO is critical to him.
He will need someone to bore the arse off.

Stop arguing with him.
It's exhausting.
It lowers your immunity to be arguing and getting.
Focus on shoring up your strength, mentally and otherwise.
Organise yourself financially over the next year.
Use your energy to get well, plan and exit as necessary.

Squirreling away money IS a good idea.

Very very good advice here. Thank you. I'm so glad I joined this board. The arguing will be hard to curtail but I'll do it. It's just hot air and a waste of energy from my part. I'm truly going to focus on myself and let go of hope he'll change. Maybe he will but I'm no longer basing my life decisions or rather pausing them (that's on me) while he lives out his dream.

He is giving you some crumbs to keep you happy with this potential day off next week. Great, but it does not meet the overall need for a better family-work-life balance, and you have made that clear. Just leave the ball in his court. Don’t get drawn into arguments, just say that you have made your views clear and you hope he will take some of what you have said on board, but there is no point arguing further. Rinse and repeat. Arguing validates his need for attention. You need to concentrate on what is important to you.

You might find that he then tries really hard to draw you in, so you are going to have to work very hard at not being drawn in. Remember, these endless conversations are not in your interests. Action, on your part and indeed his, is.

By the way, it is nice to see your sense of self coming through

I think your current mindset is correct OP, drop the rope and take the time and headspace to build your capacity and independence and put yourself in the best position to move decisively in whatever direction will make you happiest. That may be acceptance of who he is and what will always be on offer here and working your life around it to suit yourself, in some cases throwing money at the problems assiciated with his disengagement. Many, many people choose to live like that and make some kind of peace with that. No judgement. As it happens, I wasn't able to do that and I don't think you could either long term.

Ask him this.
In 10 years time when your still SO busy and over Stretched and you don't know your child and your wife, will it have been worth it?
Will your work love you?
Will your work hug you?
You were ill, work managed to carry on, no one is irreplaceable in a job, but you are pushing us away, and for what?
You need to become more productive with your time and work to live, not live to work.
Please, I want my husband back who can talk about more than just his job.

Oh and up any childcare that gives you time to heal, grow, and strengthen your MH.

Someone told me years ago that arguing and getting very upset, dramatically lowers your immune system for about 5 hours, making you vulnerable to illness during that period.
I have no idea if this is correct.
What I can say is any time that I have had an argument (my eldest was hard work for a couple of years🙄) I was totally wiped after it, for a good 24 hours. And upset.

Think about how you feel after you argue and how much of your energy it is depleting.

YOU need your energy, for your MH, your baby, and your ability to make the best decisions about your future.

Maybe he will see the light and change, unlikely, but maybe he will.

Either way you wearing yourself out and not giving yourself the chance to return to optimum MH, means you are putting yourself at a terrible disadvantage whatever pans out.

Particularly as you don't have family support.

Also, strengthen are relationships that you do have and reach out for support as your go through the next year or two.

Support will be invaluable in all its forms.

Keep posting.

My dad was obsessed with his job and devoted all his time to it. Throughout my childhood he was stressed out, snappish and my mum often commented how different he'd become from the man she married.

As a parent myself, I am now sad (and a little angry) that he did not ever set boundaries and prioritise his relationship with his children. My dad is retired now and a different person. We have an ok relationship...but in many ways it's too late. I spent my formative years with him when he was physically present but absent in all the ways that mattered so I have never felt relaxed or at ease around him.

So I think you are quite right to demand changes from him OP, both for you and your child. You never get the time back.

@lottiegarbanzo

The other thing is that people who've always succeeded, always over-ascribe their own agency in this and under-ascribe luck.

When something goes wrong, or even just not so right, they crash and burn badly, because they have no resilience. They haven't had to learn it on the way up.

From that point of view, he may well be a very delicate flower who could do with psychological help now, to build some resilience, before he finds himself needing it suddenly. That should also help him to become less needy and dependent on external validation.

This is so true!

My DH has always succeeded in everything. Straight As at school and college, first class degree, straight to the top of the graduate scheme and promoted, promoted promoted at work. Youngest person to receive professional standards recognition in his company. Etc etc etc. He is intelligent, and hardworking, and diligent and all of those things but he never realised that he has been lucky to have things like a really secure home, supportive family, to be born intelligent in the first place.

We got married, bought our house, had a baby. And then wow. Wow wow wow. I had a terrible traumatic birth. Our baby was high needs, had horrendous silent reflux, never slept, cried for what felt like months. She's actually diagnosed with ASD now. There was nothing he could do to fix her. He couldn't study his way out of it, he couldn't negotiate a solution. She is how she is and he's had to suck it up and deal with it.

He has struggled so badly. Way worse than I have (someone who had not succeeded in everything!). I found it horribly hard, but he almost couldn't cope with the fact that he wasn't going to be able to tick this one off as a success. He feels differently now, but I know he felt like he failed at the baby days.

I sent him to counselling in the end. Which he didn't like much either (another failure!) but it really helped and saved our marriage because I couldn't tolerate his behaviour he was like a child who couldn't have his own way.

Second baby arrived and he was much better!

@I0NA’s summary and advice are brilliant.

I do wonder whether he might be feeling overshadowed by the reality of what you have done in growing and birthing your lovely baby and perhaps terrified of how life has changed forever. He wouldn't be the first!

In a few more months as his baby becomes more responsive, mobile and adorably un-ignorable, he might just fall in love with her and have a watershed moment. If he finds he can just participate emotionally in parenting, perhaps he could stop the crazy busy work that he is using to deny reality and avoid engagement.

When I was a ward sister and certain staff used to complain that they could not get off on time as they were so busy I used to point out that it's always them and other people manage to get off. It's not that they were busier than anyone else it's just that they were less efficient.

He definitely sounds less efficient and his constant comments point to someone with stress to me. It would be useful for you to know if everyone in his workplace feels the same or if it's just him.

You have a baby (that presumably you are looking after) and HE's the busy one? Fuck that.

I seriously could not live with someone so self absorbed

Hi OP - I’ve read your posts rather than the full thread, so apologies if this has been said by others, but I wanted to pick up on something about you.

Amidst his other spectacular bellendery, your DH seems to have said that he’s sad about your ‘lost potential’ due to illness etc. I just wanted to say that you never ‘lose’ potential - it’s all still there. As well as your writing - which is expressive and great - I think your perspectives on his management are really insightful, and I would FAR rather work for someone like you than your DH. By about a million times.

Resisting the urge to absolutely shred your DH because you probs don’t need another of those posts. But I hope that as you recover you come to realise your own strengths and talents and abilities are all there - and your baby will have a mum who models empathy, self awareness, resilience and kindness.

On mat leave myself at the mo - it’s a confidence knocker, even without any additional mental health issues. So, sending sympathy and support.

Very true @Zitouna

One also has to consider DH's 'lost potential' as a husband and father.

He's so wrapped up in chasing his potential area that he's totally dropped the ball on the rest of his life.

Should say: his potential in one area ^^

Hope you’re ok op x

I don't have the exact same problem, but recognise some of the feelings here. The small efforts and then it going back to normal again. Feeling like you don't matter. Being the only person who seems to prioritise the relationship.

I sat my partner down the other month and said I didn't have the energy to carry our relationship anymore, nor the skills to fix it, and that as far as I'm concerned we start seeing a couples therapist or we have to call it quits (this is obviously the short version!). My partner agreed, the first few weeks were very tough, but it is really helping both of us, and we are feeling much closer. I feel for the first time in 12 years like my partner realises the importance of it not being another "do it for two weeks and then back to the old way".

Have you ever suggested therapy? Would you be open to it? Would he?

I think with what sounds like a new baby, and this level of resentment and what feels like neglect, you have a duty to yourself to say "I can't do this alone anymore - either you match my level of commitment to the relationship, or it's not going to work". And in therapy, perhaps you'll get to the bottom of why he's in such need of validation and external praise, and you'll be able to healthily share some of your resentments and hopefully build a closer, more connected relationship.