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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:
womanity · 08/04/2021 17:01

He does sound insecure.

Either he’s trying to make himself seem important to you because of baby or he’s feeling the pressure of being sole/main breadwinner while you’re not working.

My DH does alright for himself but I know he struggles with the pressure of knowing we’d be on our arses if his income stopped.

(Or he’s letting you know he’s not available to help look after baby.)

CliffsofMohair · 08/04/2021 17:02

@AdifferentGoat

Interesting perspective. Thank you. He's 39! His excuse for not attending various social meets is he's very busy with work. I get it. But how many times can I say that tired old line? It's exhausting. He's hardly running NASA. He'll then get upset I don't tell people how busy he is because he is sooooo busy. I have had random people we know tell me he's told them he's been cranking away at 2 am due to an unmanageable schedule Hmm it's as though he takes immense pride in it. It makes me feel bad because we have only just had a baby and whilst he is a great father and loves our baby.... He is simply TOO BUSY but one of this days his weekends will get easier. It does my head in. I just find him so... dull...He is more than just his neverending achievements and constant strife re work but I think that man is almost buried away. Needed to vent.
He’s not an academic is he?
MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 08/04/2021 17:03

Ex H is like this, he's always "really really busy keeping everything spinning" - tbf he runs his own business, and now (after 30 years) is also having to wash his own socks and cook his own meals. But, he's desperate for validation, mainly from his DF who died a few years back, who was in the same industry, and H is trying so hard to "beat" his DF by being more successful, so that his DF will finally say "well done". Which obviously can't happen, so the "busy busy busy" carries on, with more and more industry specific additional roles which everyone has to be impressed by (when no-one knows what they actually mean, and even if they do, don't really care).

Final straw for me was, in couples counselling, he ran through a list of his professional achievements three times, and his descriptions of our DC to the therapist were only what degrees/jobs they have, and anything about me, was only how it impacted on him.

OP, I only say this to warn you what could happen in 20 years time, when your DC doesn't know their dad cos he spends all his time either at work, or thinking about work, and has no idea what they're like, what they like doing/eating, who their friends are, even things like favourite colour or music genre. Two of my DC have real issues connecting with their dad, he doesn't know how to talk to them, and they don't want to spend any time with him. And it all traces back to the bloody business taking over his life!

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 17:04

PS he just asked me to share an article about him on my Facebook Wink I need to 'spread' the word. Further his profile photo is of he standing in the office. And it gets better, he's commented underneath that even though it's been a 'manic' and insufferable year... He's proud to be part of a company doing 'big things'
Cringe cringe cringe.
#why

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 08/04/2021 17:04

My motto is 'work smarter, not harder'. Working more hours doesn't make you the best employee; in fact, every time I find myself working late into the evening it's because I haven't delegated well enough to my team or put time into training them rather than doing everything myself, and I'm missing possible opportunities to automate or improve things and keep doing everything manually because it's quicker in the short term. Is he a manager? Maybe the issue is that he needs to grow and improve his team's knowledge.

minipie · 08/04/2021 17:06

Perhaps part of the reason he is like this is due to a very problematic upbringing whereby they were near homelessness for a while there. I don't know.

Ok yes I would guess this did have a big impact on him.

I wonder you need to sit down and talk to him about what “successful” looks like. Is it someone who has career success, all the material goods in the world but has an unhappy wife (or a divorce)? Or a heart attack at 50?

Also maybe get him to think: what is likely to happen if he takes his foot off the gas a little at work. Maybe he says no to some things to free up a bit more time. Will he get fired? Probably not. Maybe he won’t get promoted quite so fast or get such a big bonus. That’s ok. I wonder if he is insecure about his position at work (imposter syndrome?) and thinks he needs to project this aura of busyness to protect himself.

diddl · 08/04/2021 17:07

@AdifferentGoat

Oh dear. I thought I had put paragraphs in. Apologies for the massive block of text Shock
It's in paragraphs for me!

Did the company cope without him for the 2weeks or was all his work left for him to catch up on??

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 17:07

@Pyewackect

.... pays the bills though !.
You are absolutely right. It does. I hold myself accountable for this. I know it must be hard feeling like we depend on his income. I'm trying to change that. But why the necessity to speak about work ALL the time. Why holler till those around you have raw ears? I'm not invalidating your point but is it too much to ask for a partner who isn't always exhausted or harping about how busy he is as he creates further work for himself.
OP posts:
converseandjeans · 08/04/2021 17:07

Do you think he's on about being soooo busy in order to avoid tedious things that are baby related? Or is he maybe jealous of the baby?

theleafandnotthetree · 08/04/2021 17:07

What a dose. I know a few like this - noone can do their job as well as they can, noone works harder than they do, they are often resentful of people who have the gawl to enjoy life and have a good work life balance. And absolutely no sense of humour about it or ability to laugh at themselves or have a bit of perspective. How very painful to be married to one.

BigFatLiar · 08/04/2021 17:08

My uncle was an undertaker, he used to talk about all the indispensable men he'd buried and how life still went on.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/04/2021 17:09

@AdifferentGoat

PS he just asked me to share an article about him on my Facebook Wink I need to 'spread' the word. Further his profile photo is of he standing in the office. And it gets better, he's commented underneath that even though it's been a 'manic' and insufferable year... He's proud to be part of a company doing 'big things' Cringe cringe cringe. #why
Oh Jesus, as we say in Dublin, I'm scarlet for him.
AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 17:10

Shockingly the company survived. He was the most rested I have seen him for a while. He did have to catch up but he's always catching up. And when he does catch up, he creates more work and the cycle repeats. I point this out and am the unsupportive wife who doesn't understand his sacrifice.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 17:11

@AdifferentGoat

PS he just asked me to share an article about him on my Facebook Wink I need to 'spread' the word. Further his profile photo is of he standing in the office. And it gets better, he's commented underneath that even though it's been a 'manic' and insufferable year... He's proud to be part of a company doing 'big things' Cringe cringe cringe. #why
He sounds obnoxious, actually. Spread the word Confused. How embarrassing that he's so impressed with himself. Deeply unattractive.
Purplecatshopaholic · 08/04/2021 17:13

Unless he genuinely is eradicating world hunger or homelessness, curing cancer, or working out what good will actually ever come out of Brexit, he is just not that important. No job is. I agree he is setting your expectations re the time he will ‘be able’ to allocate to parenting. He does also sound just soooo dull. A serious talk is required, he maybe just doesn’t realise how things are for you, and needs a kick up the arse….

ZaphodBeeblerox · 08/04/2021 17:17

God he sounds so tiresome..
FWIW I'm completely surrounded by bankers all making a cool 800k-1.5mil a year. They all work very long hours. Apart from the occasional (I do mean 1-2x a year) whinge about it being an incredibly busy stretch say in the run up to bonus season or run up to the FY end, no one I care to be friends with is this insufferable.
My own husband will occasionally show me his calendar on days he wants a bit of commiseration. I can see on a daily basis when he was working from home that it's a bit back to back, and if I didn't run up with tea or a sandwich he just wouldn't eat. But that's also true of my public-sector-facing v low-paid academic-ish job some days.

After work is over, I think people should strive to talk about something else - gossip, news, watch a show together, read a book, or cook a meal..

It sounds a BIT like your husband is using his busy-ness to abdicate from family life? Unless he's like the CEO of Google UK or something it seems like he thinks he doesn't need to pull his weight at home at all because he's always busy? At some point in these roles work begets work, and people get into a culture of thinking they must reply at 9pm or 1am or whatever, and then reinforce that with their subordinates until everyone's life is basically shit.

I don't have an answer for you but I think he sounds rather full of himself, and some exposure to others who work similar jobs but manage to sound human would be good for him!

pictish · 08/04/2021 17:17

Well he’s certainly got a very high opinion of himself hasn’t he?

1forAll74 · 08/04/2021 17:20

Can you not talk to him about his ways at all. He may not realise how he comes across to you,or others,with being so self absorbed. as he himself,would probably get pissed off, if he meets others with the same tendencies as himself.

Adifferentstory2 · 08/04/2021 17:20

My husband is a bit the same. The poster who said something about high flyers struggling with the lack of validation the more senior they get - that. Massive lows, struggles and then highs when some praise comes from somewhere. Very hard. I’m just back at work following maternity (both WFH) and find the constant break time chat about the latest crisis, how busy things are etc very hard. It sounds quite extreme - I would suggest it’s time to have a sit down and talk it through.

TimmyOnTheBrain · 08/04/2021 17:20

He's a legend in his own lunchtime isn't he 😄. I feel sad for people who live to work. I used to work in a largely male environment and a few of them were like this. Their 'pressurised' job was actually a combination of inefficiency and wanting to appear important.

squeezylizzy · 08/04/2021 17:21

is there a plan B? When he retires or leaves? Or does he intend to carry on like this forever. Personally, I couldnt handle it and probably wouldn't. But you may need to decide what you are prepared to put up with, whether you are planning on going back to work so that he doesnt feel so much pressure to be the only one bringing in the money etc. Realistically no one is irreplaceable, but some roles are more important than others - sadly am not sure that working for a tech company is one of them. Maybe the Chancellor's role at the peak of the covid crisis and pre-budget, Chris Whitty's position seems pretty vital at the moment - in theory, PMs, perhaps the guys developing the Covid vaccine - it really was time-sensitive. But other than that.....it really doesn't matter. So the question is can you live with it though, always coming second and always having to support the big man? You are totally entitled to say no - thats not good enough and see what he does.

I would also suggest that whatever you do now will set the precedent for years to come especially when it comes to kids and parenting.

GreenTeaPingPong · 08/04/2021 17:22

Send him a message saying 'I feel like maybe you are lost in the great abyss that is your unending need to be validated.' You put it very well.

Tell him that old people on their deathbeds rarely look back on their lives and wish they'd spent more time in the office. They wish they'd spent more time with the people they love. And men especially look back and wish they hadn't missed seeing their children grow up.

13579db · 08/04/2021 17:23

Try and mention that in your old line of work it was always people who were struggling who would make it look like they were overly busy, that they got in trouble with HR for not coping so well...

Maybe he'll think twice about the martyr syndrome he's displaying here

Bythemillpond · 08/04/2021 17:23

If he had a couple of weeks off due to Covid and the world didn’t collapse and everything ticked over what is he adding to the company.
Is he really that great at his job if he is working all hours.

Or is he just making work for himself.

I have met someone similar to this guy. We warned his fiancé before the wedding that he was committing bigamy because he was already married to his job (low level supervisor) rarely went out with her. Always busy with work.

The wedding didn’t last the honeymoon as he brought his briefcase on holiday and apparently started to work during the day. He was constantly ringing the office when there was no need to. He couldn’t be away.

People thought he was a dickhead but he thought people loved him for his hard work.

SausageDogSandwich · 08/04/2021 17:24

What a complete and utter bore. This isn't going to get better. Men who get to the top usually have huge egos.

Does he have any redeeming features?

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