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Original poster

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/04/2021 15:44

If he's too busy, he needs to drop something. Maybe suggest he needs some help from his manager, if he's not able to identify what that is, or to say no to anything. He sounds more 'can't see the wood for the trees' than ultra focussed and self-disciplined.

Does he actually look after his baby at all? Did he want a baby? Or is he the 'I'll talk to them when they're 16 and have something interesting to say' type? (In the meantime you can do all the menial stuff).

Does he support you in your recovery and progress? Congratulate you on what are, for you, meaningful steps? Make a genuine effort to give you the time and support you need, as a priority that might sometimes trump his own stuff?

Has he lost the ability to laugh at himself? Does he seem a different person to the one you married? I've known a few men become very pompous with age. Part of it is re-writing their past in light of their current success, self-belief and identity, so they only accept that the 'straight line to success' things happened and forget (deny) the more humble, funny, silly, self-deprecating aspects of their past, that made them warm, fun, likeable people. Middle-aged pompous bore syndrome.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/04/2021 15:47

Maybe he also needs help to manage his time better, OP? I mean, the odd 2am finish may not be helped but, if he's doing this regularly then he's clearly not effective.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/04/2021 15:50

The other thing is that people who've always succeeded, always over-ascribe their own agency in this and under-ascribe luck.

When something goes wrong, or even just not so right, they crash and burn badly, because they have no resilience. They haven't had to learn it on the way up.

From that point of view, he may well be a very delicate flower who could do with psychological help now, to build some resilience, before he finds himself needing it suddenly. That should also help him to become less needy and dependent on external validation.

Bluetrews25 · 08/04/2021 15:50

Ah, you've just had a baby.
So is he competing to be the busiest parent?
Is he keeping busy to avoid the tedious / tiring / time consuming / scary parenting?
Is he jealous of the attention that you and your baby are getting from others? (Excuse me! I'm very busy too, you know!)

Will you be able to talk this through? (Can a relative tell him he's being a twat with his priorities all wrong?)
He needs to remember the famous last words that no-one ever said on their deathbed - 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office'

BurbageBrook · 08/04/2021 15:52

Good grief. He’s an utter narcissist.

RedToothBrush · 08/04/2021 15:52

Withdraw the validation.

Its not helping either of you.

His reward should simply doing well at his job. You shouldn't have to pander to him constantly because he's insecure. He needs to learn how to be secure without you flogging your guts out to prove how much you are delighted for him.

This is distinctly unhealthy in a relationship.

amymel2016 · 08/04/2021 15:54

As an old boss of mine once pointed out to a ‘I’m SO busy’ guy at work - if you’re working until 2am then you’re either not being efficient or the role is too demanding for you...

lottiegarbanzo · 08/04/2021 15:54

Good point, is he jealous of the baby, the attention you're getting from others for having one and that you're giving to the baby?

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 08/04/2021 15:55

LyingWitch put it very well.
We all like being important. Maybe where he works there's a "busy busy" culture and he's having to compete with others - I've sat among people "competing" like this. They become very tedious, and at one level I felt sorry for them.

I hope you can have a conversation with productive results before your resentment eats you up, OP.

sweatervest · 08/04/2021 15:56

buy a smoke machine and if he asks why then you can say that the machine can blow smoke up his arse as you cba

ShirleyPhallus · 08/04/2021 15:56

I have a friend like this, every single message she sends starts with “just a quick one from me because I’m manic today....”. Not sure she realises the message would be shorter and she’d save time if she actually left that bit out

NRCS · 08/04/2021 15:58

@lottiegarbanzo

The other thing is that people who've always succeeded, always over-ascribe their own agency in this and under-ascribe luck.

When something goes wrong, or even just not so right, they crash and burn badly, because they have no resilience. They haven't had to learn it on the way up.

From that point of view, he may well be a very delicate flower who could do with psychological help now, to build some resilience, before he finds himself needing it suddenly. That should also help him to become less needy and dependent on external validation.

This is very, very true in my experience of 20 odd years in the corporate world. These are the people that really lose the plot when faced with redundancy or someone being promoted over them. It's not healthy and you should play it down if anything.

It's also equally true of the kids who are naturally bright and find primary school easy - especially if they have a parent who is utterly convinced they are a genius / will play for England /are good enough for the Olympics - so watch he doesn't move onto that with your children. These kids can crash and burn at secondary school when suddenly their peers are more impressed at their physique or haircut than how clever they are.

Mrsmadevans · 08/04/2021 15:58

Has he become addicted to work OP?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2021 15:58

he was upset because a colleague didn't congratulate him? Sounds exhausting alright

MoltenLasagne · 08/04/2021 16:02

Ugh I work with men like this. We have a similar amount of work but they cannot stop going on about how busy they are. They frequently work late because they're inefficient but seem to take pride in it. Utterly tedious. Sorry you're putting up with it at home OP, at least I get to log off after 5pm...

Sparkletastic · 08/04/2021 16:02

Sounds like he isn't coping - overcompensating at work and failing as a father and partner. Is / was his dad a workaholic? Is this what he thinks it means to be a good man?

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 08/04/2021 16:05

@BuckysArm makes a good point. One of my partner's friends was like this, would arrive at the pub and launch into a long, tedious story about how busy and important he was at work, working through the night! I nipped it in the bud by (semi-politely) asking how he could be so inefficient with his work, didn't he have anything better to do than to dedicate his life to a company that didn't care about him as an individual and wouldn't HR be interested to know they were breaking labour laws.

It did stop him. But he's still a natural boaster (about things I don't consider to be bragworthy!) and I don't have time for it. If that were my husband, I'd be way more blunt. People who are consumed by work are so.dull. Have you ever told him that?

There's a big difference between chatting about work and it being all you talk about.

Roussette · 08/04/2021 16:06

How tedious. That would drive me potty.

I have adult DCs.

One of them is in an insanely busy job but just does not work late at night because she considers that if she has to do this, she is not managing her time properly during the day.

Can you suggest this to him whilst donning a hard hat?!

VeryQuaintIrene · 08/04/2021 16:07

Insecurity and impostor syndrome (trying to be charitable!)?

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 16:09

@Aquamarine1029

Is he 5 years old? I could not deal with this level of self-absorbtion and narcissism.
This.
MarshaBradyo · 08/04/2021 16:09

What does he do? Am intrigued

4PawsGood · 08/04/2021 16:11

Gosh. I think I’d be asking if he could arrange some training. Time management and assertiveness. There’s clearly something going really badly wrong.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 16:12

@MarshaBradyo

What does he do? Am intrigued
Bet it's something completely banal, bless him.
GoWalkabout · 08/04/2021 16:13

It's not healthy for him or you for him to be checking emails in bed. He needs a better balance otherwise if he loses his job he will have a breakdown. Can't you get him to take up ultra running or something else to bore on about?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/04/2021 16:15

He is defining his self worth by his job. His Big Important Job means he is important and has value. It’s actually quite an easy trap to fall into. He doesn’t want to be more efficient or less busy as that changes the way he sees himself. It’s a bit of self-important martyrdom. Well it was for me Wink

I have worked in high paid, high pressure jobs and I have slipped into this myself at times. He needs to decouple his sense of worth from his job otherwise he will be a bore.