Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

[AdifferentGoat]

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

Honestly I’m not surprised you’re depressed and struggling anyone would living with him.

For now try to protect yourself, reducing your expectations of him and need for him to engage with you. Every time you ask he give a a reason not to. It’s so upsetting. Emotionally I would start to withdraw and try to use me to comfort myself. Be kind to yourself and do nice things for you.

I would also reach out to other mums, it’s a saviour, I have a group of mum friends and it’s heartwarming when we support each other through nice times and the general daily grind.

You can find your people, reach out and it’s difficult I know but there with be other mums who need it too.

Thank you everyone for your responses, insight and support. I have been encouraged and think the only way forward as several posters have advised is to re-route the energy I was putting on him, trying to get him to see reason and instead place it on myself and conjure the motivation to create a stronger foundation for myself. I won't lie, I'm really sad realizing (after reading the many posts) that it is the normal things I desire more than anything. By this I mean a partner I can just relax with and do normal things with without it being scheduled or having to be planned on advance of.

He does have many redeeming qualities but I also recognize he is lost in the whirlpool that is him and what he craves will be found 'someday' through relentless work and validation from others that do not really include myself. It's a loss but it's not one I can force him to see. If I'm really honest with myself and objectively am able to see the situation, I know to a degree he is haunted by his inability to just be who he is because his need to please those he views as important, the values he views as important, override what it is I want for him and that is to be a present and consistent figure in our lives. Maybe this would be a tenable situation for many, a mostly good husband that provides and tries his hardest (this I will attest to) to financially support us while being available for the 'big things' for eg coming with me to doctor appointments for baby, birthdays, holidays etc. I'm missing emotion support, at least to the level I crave it. I don't want to just look forward to the one day in the weekend he is mostly free and then live suspended the rest of the week while he tries to find ways to squeeze us in. Last night I tried to ask him questions re something in his background and yes I chose the worse possible time to do so but even so I could feel the air crack as anything hard to speak about is simply too hard for him to get into. It's too depressing. It's unnecessary. And so the chasm widens because I may have the physical body of him, I may have the house, I may have the comfort of our lives but I don't have him. Maybe this all sounds dramatic but I think I'm still trying to figure it all out and writing these words is helping me out into words what my feelings refuse to dicipher. I miss him and as some posters have said, I just want him to acknowledge me, my own feelings, without being threatened as to what they represent to him. Not sure any of this makes sense. We have been through so much together that seeing how our lives are dictated by fear and what others think(even if he denies it) is sad to me. I saw a photo of my friend gardening with her husband and I was just jealous. I wish I had that. Even an luxurious hour of just gardening or some mundane activity not because we have stolen time or because we have 'cheated' his schedule and created time for ourselves but because we want to. Because he wants to just hang out with me minus an agenda. He took me out the other night, we got a baby sitter and once we were done with dinner, he looked at me and said he's really trying. I told him I know he is but I just miss us. That whatever he's working for, I'm just tired of waiting to fit in.

OK now that I have effectively turned myself into a sad country song with some indulgence thrown in for good measure, I guess I need to just focus on figuring out me and what I want becssue I haven't done so before and whatever he is or whatever he's doing, that's on me. I don't want to leave him. He's a mostly good man and a good father where he can but I'm not sure I can stay on with mostly good but mostly absent anymore. Let's see how the future pans out. Maybe my getting a job and taking some pressure off myself and he will help me see and understand the situation better.

Also I'm not blind to how hard it must be living with someone who has depression. I think he looks at me and sees my lost potential. He often says that and does state that he knows I'd be much happier if I went back to work. He is right but where I was occupying and kind of right now was waiting for the family life I wanted to materialize. Alongside being very busy and important he's very busy trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings without feeling antagonzied. It's wretched having to use disclaimers when I tell him how it's hard living with a ghost. I have to say I love you DH but I don't understand why on earth you are busier now than you were before you hired a team. Surely having a team must mean you can offload. Apparently he has offloaded? But yet the crazy hours remain stagnant. So then he thought I was questioning his management skills (I was ) and so I said, even if were, can we just not discuss what we can do moving forward? Is there nothing in this big great world he can do differently to take the pressure of himself and the team? More indignation continued. Then I asked okay well if he HAD to see things from a different perspective, what could he change? Only then did he offer a few suggestions BUT these suggestions were followed by the firm statement that things are way too 'crazy', these big things that are happening for the company cannot be put on hold without jeopardizing so much. The truth is, even I as a simpleton who is not so busy and important can see that he is simply just trying to do too much and too soon because he seizes every opportunity that is on offer no matter how jam-packed the current is and so it's a never ending journey to 'what's next'. As long as that persists, there will never be balance because the next great thing will always be at arms reach and us, his family, somewhere waiting in the background.

I think you’re situation will become more common as more sahm have their husbands working from home all day everyday.

It will be very tough for all concerned

Thank you all for listening to my rambling. As I type I'm listening to yet another urgent call that isn't really so urgent because it's been twenty minutes and nothing has really happened outside of regurgitating what went down in the last urgent call from a hour or so ago. Eventually once this urgent call is wrapped up, it shall be broken down in form of a extensively worded whatsapp message and maybe voice note and screenshot of it will be shared with others who may be interested.

Okay maybe not an hour ago but late evening but it might as well have been an hour!! The hours and days have merged as one

As annoying as this situation can be, I don't want my daughter to lose her father. He rarely sleeps more than several hours at a time and as you can see he's up all hours of the night. Baby waking up has made it even more intense because once she's back to sleep, he'll usually go... 'well I'm awake now so might as well work'

On the flip side though, the times that he is watching TV with me saying during a lunch, he won't just say it but a lot of the time he will tell the team 'an urgent call came up'?? If he wants to take a early day, instead of saying so, he ll make up some story of either me or the baby being sick. By sounds of it, I should be in ICU considering how much I frequent emergency rooms.

Naturally before this madness, there have been periods where he hasn't worked such late hours and stopped around 6 pm or 7 pm but even so, when we meet friends, he takes great pleasure in stating how 'insane' it's all been and the late crazy nights and I'm often saying eh DH weren't we just catching up on Netflix last night

What would he do if you pointed out that the urgent call he just had was going over the previous urgent call and was a waste of his time and why regurgitate it for a WhatsApp group who probably won’t read it as it is just what the previous post was about.

It sounds like the whole team are just spending all their time talking about how things are urgent and how busy they are whilst the actual work is minimal

Dh worked for an international American company. His job was to go into offices and clear out the unnecessary tasks. In one office the manager had his staff arriving at 7am and not leaving till 11pm -midnight.

He went through the irrelevant stuff they did and threw it out. Set them up with a more 9-5 working day. Then left. Had to come back when the manager was lengthening the day again and sack the manager.
Maybe your Dh’s team needs to have someone like my Dh come in and get rid of the irrelevant.

As annoying as this situation can be, I don't want my daughter to lose her father.

She will never lose him in the sense that he will always be her father.

But wherever he is he will never be present. So whether she is living with him FT or not makes no difference really.

Yes please!!!!!!!! If you can PM the details of this magical company I would be grateful. If I mention that many of the calls are redundant, he'll usually drown me in jargon

I am aghast that he mentions your lost potential. You have just had a baby with the man, and you are the one doing ALL the childcare by the sounds of it. You have grown a beautiful baby and you are nurturing this baby and making sure her needs are met. How amazing is that?!? But he looks at you and sees lost potential. That really undermines everything you do every day and shows quite a narrow worldview. Maybe he means to be supportive of you professionally (which getting a nanny does indicate to me) but I don’t think that kind of language is particularly helpful.

I think going back to work will give you personally a bit more balance because it will get you out the house and you will meet people who see you (and not lost potential, fgs) in a professional context with no family dynamics to worry about.

However, I also think you need to do it for you, in a way which feels manageable for you, because the danger to me seems that once you have a job, his attitude will shift to viewing your job as lesser and his as the Big Important Job. It really is not in your DD’s interests to have two parents working themselves into the ground. So you will still probably be the one who is working around DD’s needs and making time for her, which of course will ensure you have a better work-life balance. Of course his need to prove/present himself as the Big Important Provider may also lessen, but that is not a given. It would be great is he did some actual parenting, as well as the providing and procreating.

Get him to look at lean six sigma or similar.

Point out that if he spends less time on busywork her will be able to focus more clearly on future priorities as he can get the noise out of his head.

If everything is urgent and important either his prioritising is crap or the building is metaphorically on fire.

OP,

What strikes me OP is what a liar he is.

His ease with which he lies about how busy he is and when he wants to take a brief break.

He has zero relationship with the truth.
He can't accept it and he can't communicate it.

He lies to them, you can be sure he lies to you.

He sounds so damaged, do insecure, so dismissive of the enormity of having a baby.

Detach from him emotionally focus on saving yourself OP.

You are not his priority.

@Bythemillpond

What would he do if you pointed out that the urgent call he just had was going over the previous urgent call and was a waste of his time and why regurgitate it for a WhatsApp group who probably won’t read it as it is just what the previous post was about.

It sounds like the whole team are just spending all their time talking about how things are urgent and how busy they are whilst the actual work is minimal

Dh worked for an international American company. His job was to go into offices and clear out the unnecessary tasks. In one office the manager had his staff arriving at 7am and not leaving till 11pm -midnight.

He went through the irrelevant stuff they did and threw it out. Set them up with a more 9-5 working day. Then left. Had to come back when the manager was lengthening the day again and sack the manager.
Maybe your Dh’s team needs to have someone like my Dh come in and get rid of the irrelevant.

As if the ops dh wouldn’t be one of the root causes here. I’d probably sack him. For being bloody annoying.

AdifferentGoat

Dh was part of a team who go around the world looking at the different branches of the company and making sure they are being run correctly.
Very large international American company.

You say you don’t want your dd to lose her father.
She will not lose him as she will always know where he is... At work.
The problem is as she grows up it will be her father that loses his dd.

Dh spent 2 weeks in every 4 out of the country. Even when he was in this country he was in the office by 7.30am and wasn’t home till 7.30pm at night. I think he thought childcare was not something he should do so never really connected with his children. He is retired now and tries to connect with them but they rarely give him the time of day.
It is like having a stranger living in the house.
By the time your Dh does come round to a more manageable work life balance I wouldn’t count on your dd being open to connecting with her father or you feeling the same way about him.

You can have the time to do gardening with your Dh and having time for each other. You just have to get a different husband.

He often says that and does state that he knows I'd be much happier if I went back to work.

Because he makes work look so attractive, not!
How on earth did you not laugh in his face and say "what, so I can work all night and day like you and be miserable and checked-out from any family life at all? No thanks!"

It is Borris. How did you know?

youve lost your potantial your average-hes just a complete cockwomble

if he dies at least he would have happy at work-says its all really

One of my best friends had a husband like this. She had young twins and was so worn out from parenting them practically on her own that she wasn't 'giving him the validation he needed as a hard working man' - his words when he found he could get validation among other things from his much younger secretary. Not that I'm saying this will happen here but its not unusual. People who need validation like this never let up, it sounds bloody exhausting.

I resuscitate people, including children, for a living.

I literally laughed when you used the term ‘emergency’ to describe something that affects someone who spends all day answering emails and holding meetings.

Perspective might be good for this man.

I'm struck by how he just doesn't want to try to find any balance.

It's not abnormal to have a busy job, feel under pressure, and sometimes have to work long hours. That happens to lots of people. It's whether or not they let it take over that matters.

I'm married to a company president who spends millions of dollars of other people's money and makes decisions that will provide or lose employment for thousands of people if he does things right or wrong. It's a bit stressful, although as he often says it's not like it affects whether anyone will live or die.

He still (with occasional reminders) manages to do things like engage with the family, make dinner most nights, focus on the kids when they're struggling, make the mental space to help me especially when I'm depressed, etc. He would never ever ever ask me to share a story about him on Facebook to help his career.

It's been tough at times, but what mattered was that when he did periodically completely lose all sense of perspective, he would listen and try to get back on track. It doesn't sound like your DH has any intentions at all of listening or actually engaging.

We're also in the US btw - that's no excuse for not attempting to have a work-life balance.

One thing that has been really useful in his company was to bring in a consultant to work through with them what they'd like their company culture to be, what working styles and communication styles they had, how they could each play to their strengths. It gave people permission to be not great at everything, and to stop trying to prove they were perfect. It sounds totally wanky, but it made a difference.

It sounds totally wanky, but it made a difference.
On the contrary, it sounds eminently reasonable/realistic.

Thank you everyone for responding to me. I have read and re-read your posts and really appreciate each angle provided. I think I have come to a point where I feel I simply cannot live like this. Naturally have a baby makes it harder but what I was thinking was to use the next year or so to get myself confident/financially more self independent and then if things are as dismal as they are now, getting a separation. I know a year is a long time but I think considering I've only just had the baby several months ago, am struggling with depression and have been out of the job market for a while, it's unrealistic for me to say 6 months. A part of me hopes he will change once this chasm is crossed (if ever) but I'm not putting any hope on that for now. As many of you have said, I do need to re-route the energy I was putting on him to try and change to me and my personal development as both a woman and mother. I'm so tired of him and his inability to simply even consider the option that indeed things can be reshuffled somehow as to give us all balance. He's obsessed and simply not willing to accept (even though he knows it to be the case) that this life is not sustainable. I cannot live like this. If I didn't have a baby I'd have honestly left by now. I regret so badly I didn't before.

I know even if I were to leave now, he'd never be the type to battle re finances and what not (I know this about him as he's incredibly fair when it comes to that and has showcased it in past). I know he loves me and I know he loves daughter but we aren't the priority re being consistent in his life.

I just have to find the strength to spend the next year getting better, being present for my daughter and getting more independent. I cannot go back home as I have a bad relationship with my family and I cannot have my daughter exposed to that kind of toxicity for long spurts of time. I was previously worried re leaving him as in 35 and with a child and a previous marriage that didn't work out, the shame and fear of it all I guess, but I entered this relationship with an open heart and while no one is perfect, I don't think its fair that I have spent so long trying to get him to just prioritize us.

If you told him you were leaving, would it shock him into re-prioritising? Or do you think it would be strictly temporary? I was just thinking about what you say about his need for general approval, and to be the good guy (apart from to you). His wife leaving with a small baby because she is so neglected by an obsessive, glory-hunting workaholic isn’t a good look...

@Phrenologist

If you told him you were leaving, would it shock him into re-prioritising? Or do you think it would be strictly temporary? I was just thinking about what you say about his need for general approval, and to be the good guy (apart from to you). His wife leaving with a small baby because she is so neglected by an obsessive, glory-hunting workaholic isn’t a good look...

It might shock him. I admit I have said in heat of moment I'm leaving him etc so he may not taking it too seriously. However this decision isn't being made by me right now in 'heat of moment'. I'm actually beyond tired of living this way. It may work for someone else but I am so lonely and maybe if I enjoyed excessively spending cash, I'd be having a blast but I'm not that person. I just want balance. Or even for him to be more present.

Oddly he just sent me a note that was a forwarded message to him team asking how they could become more efficient ie asking for open feedback. This was right after he and I had a bit of a nasty fight in which I said quite reasonably maybe they should look into getting outsourced help to figure out bottle necks etc. He took this to mean I was criticising him and accusing him and team of inefficiency ( that I cannot deny but I made a point of just being unemotive/judgemental) Needless to say he took it pretty badly!!

The forwarded messaged was right after the dispute we had.