Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

188 replies

Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 12:43

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 07/04/2021 12:45

YANBU, he needs to share the load of the school drop offs. It’s not fair that he would only do them on Fridays.

Everyday21 · 07/04/2021 12:47

I think it's great hes wanting to have them that extra time, my friends ex's would happily not have then all weekend but yanbu. I'd want to have mine more then one day on a weekend

Stompythedinosaur · 07/04/2021 12:50

I think it is fair for weekends to be split (so every other weekend or a day each). If he wants extra time (which isn't untrasonable) could he have a few extra weekday nights?

An0n0n0n · 07/04/2021 12:52

Not being funny but if you are seek8ng work you are going to struggle if you have to work around school drop offs. So this is just a friendly reminder that you don't have to work around what suits him and it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to reduce his hours or pay for childcare on his (current) working days.

It would be reasonable to suggest one week at his, for which he has responsibility of childcare, and one week at yours. Then you would both get a full weekend.

But you don't have to enable him working full time if it will shaft your warning potential.

Tinydinosaur · 07/04/2021 12:54

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night
He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I don't get it, sounds like he's offering more than you're asking?

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 12:54

Thank you, I have made the point to him, that he could have them Weds night instead - otherwise some weeks, I feel I'm doing the grunt-work of the school run and Sunday night hair wash, and he is getting the nice bits of the weekend.

He completely disagrees. We are in early mediation stages and it is not going well.

I'd be interested to know what kids prefer too - whether they prefer the same set up every week, or if EOW feels more stable.

My kids are 6 and 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 12:56

@tidydinosaur.

Yes, he asking for more time with them.

So, I had suggested
with me: sat night to thurs morning
with him: thursday evening to sat tea time

So, some consistency and a split of the weekend. He is suggesting that one weekend we do that, then EOW he has the saturday night too.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 07/04/2021 12:57

Eow will end up with a fairer split of the boring jobs. If you have them every Sunday I bet you'll be left with always doing the sorting uniform, doing homework etc and he will do nice bits.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 12:59

@stompythedinosaur (lots of dinosaurs on this thread - I love it!)

Maybe you are right, about the EOW split. It's just ... I can't bear the thought of a whole weekend without my kids. Makes me want to cry!

I must preferred the idea of us each getting a weekend day and night EVERY week.

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 07/04/2021 13:01

I disagree* but if it works for your children then it's not really anyone else's business.
*I don't think nrp s should be involved in the school run as it doesn't allow them the chance to feel settled at home in the on school nights. But I've never met a reliable nrp either.

Access is very much for children. Mine know they can get to school, not worry about leaving uniform or books at their Dads where things get lost, where he refuses to drop stuff off out of schedule etc. They know they can rely on me for homework help when needed too.

Doidontimmm · 07/04/2021 13:01

I don’t think splitting weekends works, it means neither of you can ever go away for a weekend, with or without the kids. I’d think twice about that.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:04

@B33Fr33 - what do you mean by an 'nrp' ?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 07/04/2021 13:06

nrp = none resident parent.

MangoBiscuit · 07/04/2021 13:06

So he wants extra time with them, but only at the weekends, when he won't need to pay for childcare, or sort out uniforms, or do the school run, and he just gets to have fun with them... Hmm

I would say that you having 50% of the weekends each is fair (although personally I prefer EoW so you get some proper time in, and both houses have to do hair washes / uniforms etc)
The rest of the week is then divided in the best way for the kids, and the most harmonious for the parents.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:06

@Doidontimmm - that's a good point.

It's just super hard to imagine not seeing them until Sunday night right now.

God, divorce is shit.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 07/04/2021 13:08

He needs more weekdays not weekend. Otherwise you bear brunt of school run and school holiday care.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 07/04/2021 13:08

The kids will be exhausted going from one to house to the other every weekend, they’ll need downtime after the week of school etc. Most birthday parties, activities etc are on a Saturday so the parent who has every Saturday will be expected to split their only weekend day taking the kids to various events then have to just take them to the other parent so they can have a nice relaxing day with them on Sunday?

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:10

@MangoBiscuit

YES - this exactly!

You have articulated what I was struggling to.

It's like a land grab of the weekend, without any of the week trickery.

When I said something of this ilk to him, he said, yeah but I have to work to support all the maintenance blah blah blah. So annoying, as I had suggested many times he should work less .. AND ... I will be working as hard as I can to be self-sufficient (bar child maintenance).

Tbf, tho, I would like to minimise his school run stuff as my eldest DD gets anxious about change.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 07/04/2021 13:10

On his proposal you are covering 4 days every school hol and him only 1. You won’t have enough leave.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:12

@Tinkywinkydinkydoo - you make a good point.

Wish I could ask my kids their thoughts (without having to tell them bout the divorce).

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 07/04/2021 13:13

Honestly a whole weekend without them seems like forever because we are in lockdown.

But at some point it will be nice to be able to go out on the weekend.

I think (from experience) when your dc are already spending time with their dad, it's hard to justify to yourself getting a babysitter or having people over when they are there... Or maybe that's just ME!

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:13

@Dixiechickonhols - I am assuming he will always have to cover THURS and FRI.

Trying to find a part time job that is only 2.5 days a week and pays well is like trying to find a static shooting star.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:14

@jamaisjedors - thank you.

Did it take long for you to get used to having weekends without the kids? How did you get used to it?

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 07/04/2021 13:15

And i agree re that eow works quite well for the dc, they know where they are for the whole weekend... And so do you.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:15

Anyone had any feedback from their kids at what arrangement worked best of them?

OP posts: