AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

[Bobsmyaunty]

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

As you asked people's experiences of weekends without the kids.. maybe I am unusual, but I really appreciate some time without the kids there and no work. I have been able to focus on my interests and get out to see friends. I don't often have full weekends without the kids though, as they have different fathers and one sees his child more.

But I realise that some people love weekend time with their children. It might be more fun again soon - at the moment it's all so boring with nothing open!

It starts off being really hard BUT after a while it's actually quite lovely!

When I'm with DD I'm WITH her (as in present) and I study and do all my boring crap when she isn't here. I love it and she does too.

If your H brings up about having to work to support the family you need to firmly remind him that no he is working to support himself & DC just as you need to now work to support yourself & DC.

His maintenance will in no way support the full costs of housing, feeding, clothing, childcare and activities for the DC. It is key that he has weekdays to look after his DC even if it means him organising and paying for childcare. The days of you picking it all up are gone unless he intends to pay spousal support forever?

Thanks, everyone. So incredibly useful to hear your thoughts.

We will probably only live a few streets away from each other, so travel between should be ok.

To answer someone's question, I'm hoping to work part-time (to start with) because my DC's are used to being at home in holidays and one of them is quite anxious. If I suddenly move her to full time child care I think the divorce will have a much bigger impact, than if I slowly work towards supporting myself and allowing Mon-Weds (hopefully) to be there during week and holidays. DH is supportive of this (whilst also not really understanding the impact this will have on my already-limited ability to earn). I also am ok with part-time because I adore writing books and I don't want to give up this dream completely even if it means I'm a bit skint (I say that now ... but maybe I'll just need the money!)

I think, also I want to be there for the kid as much as possible, because he is hoping to keep the family home, so I want my place to feel like a proper home to them too, their base really. He can afford to keep this house because he has the job, and also a very recent inheritance. He has said that if the kids are with me 4 days a week and he has to move out .. then he feels like he will have nothing. I'm still unsure about the house situation so have not agreed to anything. But I really don't want to live in it anyway. I would only stay in for x months to keep the kids settled post-separation, before selling it to get my own place.

He has agreed to child maintenance and also spousal maintenance until I can support myself.

Re the EOW arrangements - there seems to be different definitions of what this comprises. I was thinking that every Sunday night they would return to me, to start off their school week on an even-keel, one they recognise. And so, he would have:

Thurs - Sun 4pm one week
Thurs to Sat 10am other week

Does that seem like too much to-ing and fro-ing? A few of you have mentioned this!

Your DC will never get to spend an entire weekend just in one place with your latest suggestion.

I think Thu-Sun one week then Thu-Fri evening the other week would be better for your DC.

If you go with your suggestion OP you will have to negotiate every time you want to take the DC away on adhoc weekends or if you want to go away yourself. If you know eow you have dc or don't have them your life long term will be easier, but I understand its hard atm thinking about a whole weekend without dc.

@Bobsmyaunty my situation was very similar - I moved out, he stayed in the family home (although then decided to sell it a few months later). I worked 2.5 days (but for health reasons) and he paid spousal but not child maintenance.

I think what you suggest sounds fine as a starting point. Are you both prepared to adjust it as necessary?

I know you aren't posting about the house/ money/inheritance but I hope you have had legal advice.

Sounds awful! You never get a full weekend with them! He always has a weekend night. You always get the majority of 'drudgery' nights.

How about he does Wed to Fri morning one week, Friday to Monday morning the next. The you both get a share of school homework to supervise, uniform to wash, and a full weekend for fun stuff.

On the week where he doesn't see them for a whole week, he can take them out for tea on the Tuesday.

@Misty9

That's so interesting - how yours DCs react to you being the one who moved out?

I am worried that mine will feel like I am the one who is leaving. Although I get my Ex-DH point as to why he wants to keep it (he can afford it and wants it and I can't and don't).

@DuffyFlucks

I am .. I do need it too, as I think he wants to split 50/50 but will manage to keep appreciating assets (our current house, and our old house that we rent out - I know, this is very privileged). Essentially, he buys me out of everything! I'm happy just to be free and to be able to afford a small place of my own.

The biggest pro for EOW is that the children get the chance to stay with extended family at the weekends. Your family wouldn't be able to see your kids on weekend nights for a sleepover ever.
If he wants longer then dropping them off on Monday morning (after having them on Sunday night) is more useful to everyone.

In my experience his proposal won't happen once he finds a gf and wants to spend Fri/Sat nights with her. I realise at the start of divorce both parents say that they are child focused but new partners will inevitably cause the routine to shift again.

@titchy

I guess I"m trying to keep a relatively regular routine so that I know I have days I can work on (thurs, fri) and days that I might get to have them during the daytime in holidays if I can wrangle it (mon, tues, weds) and then we split weekends.

He works long hours (7am until 7pm) and is dependent on commuter trains, so if feels more possible for me to have them more during the week. My youngest finishes school at 2.55pm!

My ex works 4 on 4 off. So he has the children for the weekend 3/4 weeks in a row when his 4 off falls on a weekend. Then he will go 3/4 weeks without seeing them when he is working the weekends. Doesn’t live close enough to contribute to school drop off and pick ups which is really irritating as it all falls on me.

However, I must be alone because I love child free weekends .

Get legal advice. You might get more than 50/50 if you haven't got a job/more limited earning potential/RP for the kids.

Can he afford to buy you out cash of 2 properties?! Don't forget to include income from the rental one.

Get a shit hot lawyer!

@RedGoldAndGreene, do you mean they'll never have a sleepover with go because he'll always have them Friday night?

I was thinking that otherwise he would only get thurs one week, which doesn't seem enough. I am a bit worried about the Saturday morning drop to me on my weekend on. What if they've got used to being at his house and don't want to come? He never has to deal with that aspect because it's either thurs - sat for him or thurs - sun.

I have to admit I hadn't thought that this means he'll always get a weekend night. But then I suppose I'm advocating I always get a Sunday night.

Shock horror perhaps he could pay to have a part time nanny on his weekdays?

They won't be the little for much longer and he would get to put them to bed etc?

If you aren't careful you are going to end up in a very disadvantaged financial position with all the burden of caring duties. What about your pension in the future and affording to live once you don't get child maintenance?

It's very unusual for the much lower earner that was the SAHP to only get 50:50 as you don't have the ability to go out and earn the same and build up your future income etc.

Don't forget you need to share pensions too.

@RandomMess

I think this too ... we have mediation starting shortly and I am going to ask for an adjustment, so that I get more than 50/50, not least that if he stays in the family home he doesn't have to pay to move and all the rest of it. I doubt I'll get much more than 50/50.

I do feel I'll be in a disadvantaged position in terms of (not just earning ability after being a SAHM for 8 years) but in opportunity to work time-wise. But I DO want to be there for pick up mon - weds, and I DO want to have them at home Mon-Weds during holidays if I can. If he decides on childcare for Thurs/Fri then that's up to him.

And if we do 50/50 childcare then he doesn't have to pay me maintenance at all, so then I don't see the kids as much AND I'm financially stuffed.

And yes, @NeilBuchananisBanksy, he can afford it because he just received an inheritance! His Dad sadly died during Lockdown.

I have primary aged DC and have been organising contact for a long time. I agree with PPs saying EOW is better. I get that you are scared to miss them for a whole weekend but it also means you would get a whole weekend with them which opens up all kinds of possibilities in terms of visiting people, short breaks etc. Having only a day a weekend will end up being frustrating and disruptive for you and for DC. As they get they older and with restrictions lifting they will have things they want to do with friends etc and that could end up using up your whole day of the weekend.

You should be able to work without worrying about childcare, especially if you can access wraparound care. Remember you are putting plans in place that will be long term.

[quote Bobsmyaunty]@titchy

I guess I"m trying to keep a relatively regular routine so that I know I have days I can work on (thurs, fri) and days that I might get to have them during the daytime in holidays if I can wrangle it (mon, tues, weds) and then we split weekends.

He works long hours (7am until 7pm) and is dependent on commuter trains, so if feels more possible for me to have them more during the week. My youngest finishes school at 2.55pm![/quote]
Does he understand that Thursday night to Thursday night means he picks them up from childcare (not your house) on Thursday, takes them to school and picks them up on Friday (termtime)

And school holidays he needs to pick them up from childcare on Thursday, pay for holiday childcare on Friday then pick them up later that day?

Many men assume that they can pick the kids off from you at their leisure and drop them off to you on his days which is not the point. If he say Thursday night to Saturday night that means them being away from home all of that time. Him picking them up from you and dropping them off to you is creating extra transitions that will inevitably lead to the kids getting annoyed quicker and will lead to reluctance to go to his.

@doyoumind

Can I ask what you consider to be EOW? For some posters this is Friday night until Monday drop off. And for others it's Sat and Sun.

Make sure he knows that INSET days can be Fridays too and that means him taking the day off or organizing childminders

@RedGoldAndGreene - I think he does.

At first, he said maybe you could pick her up, but I pointed out that I will need to work, unless he wants to pay spousal forever, which I don't want.