AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

[Bobsmyaunty]

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

What about a week with each, both arrange childcare on their days then it’s equal, the children know easily where they are, no child support needed and you can work more than a couple of days.

[quote Bobsmyaunty]@tidydinosaur.

Yes, he asking for more time with them.

So, I had suggested
with me: sat night to thurs morning
with him: thursday evening to sat tea time

So, some consistency and a split of the weekend. He is suggesting that one weekend we do that, then EOW he has the saturday night too.[/quote]
Come back with EOW he does have an extra night - the weds.

See what he says and why he wants the extra evening. If it's more time ask direct why his way is what he insists on.

We have always done EOW Friday after school to Monday morning, and he has them every Wednesday night

Or back on Sunday night. This approach EOW seems to work well for children and also for mums. Having a few night off over a weekend actually becomes something you look forward to. It will take time though.

Completely agree Divorce is shit, it isn't the easy option but sometimes essential where there is a controlling spouse. It takes time but you will get there. I regret having to divorce not actually divorcing as my dc are in a better place without witnessing their mother being emotionally abused.

Re him covering Thursday and Friday during holiday the arrangement has to clearly state he is responsible for them from the time they are dropped at school on Thursday rather than the time it finishes. School then need to know Thursday and Fridays he's contact 1 for emergencies etc.

Was he asking for more time to reduce maintenance?

Does he live near you? Will you be able to share activities/parties etc at the weekend (when these things start up again)?

I guess it depends how much you want to have the children yourself - it sounds like in every scenario you are will be doing the Monday-Thurs/Fri grind regardless of any weekend arrangements.

But I can see with all that the posters have shared, that there is value in EOW, not least for the kids.
I'm adjusting my thinking now to:
wk1: thurs - sat am
wk2: thurs - sun am

This isn't EOW? . He would still be having them every weekend in this scenario, or am I reading it wrong?

I do think the best set up for the weekends is for whoever has them to have them the whole time - Friday-Sunday tea time-ish - that is what my DP does with his kids.

It allows both parents to have almost 2 full weekend days with them. Thurs-Sat night doesn't seem worth it - Friday night I wouldn't count as the 'weekend' really as they will be tired from school and then Saturday is cut short...not sure where the value is for either parent in someone dropping them back just for the evening.

If he is local, I'd be suggesting every other weekend and then one or two evenings/overnight stays during the week. That way he's picking up some of the school runs, or even if not he's still taking some of the homework/dinner/bath load during the week.

I am a grandparent carer and my gs went to his dad's EOW. He did not get any holidays other than one week in the summer because contact moved back and forward to supervised due to his criminality.

The first weekend he went was just awful, looking at his empty bed. But gradually and very slowly we began to enjoy a bit of child free time. Well, not really, because his half brother was placed with us as well! But it was one less.

I think the saddest thing for me was the extreme pressure placed on us by the family courts, at the time it was very one size fits all. There was little in the way of understanding what a child may want and forcing an inflexible arrangement as he grew up. The result was that lack of flexibility meant gs began to bitterly resent going. For his last two years of contact, he really did not want to go at all and I had to persuade him. There was no talking to his dad. They now have no relationship and his dad makes no effort at all.

Whilst it is better to agree between yourselves rather than it being imposed upon you, you must be firm because you will be stuck with this arrangement a long time. I think you have suggested a fair timetable. You do not want to end up feeling like you get all the chores whilst he gets the out time. Good luck.

I like my EOW arrangement with my ex. I wouldn’t want to give up weekends entirely! We go away some weekends and couldn’t do that if she was with her dad every Saturday.

Suggest he has Thur - Sun every other week.

@raincamepouringdown

I would NOT split like this because although he'll have them half the time, he won't have any of the drudgery of school runs, appointments etc. So he'll not have to pay maintenance if he has them half the time while you're still sacrificing jobs to cover school run hours, childcare hours, appointments etc.

If he wants them half the time, week on/week off, including school days. Make him do his share since he won't be giving you any maintenance towards them under his proposal.

This. He's trying to pull a fast one on you.

If he drags it to Court and says he needs that arrangement because of his work then as you don't work, you won't have a leg to stand on.

As PPs have suggested point out to him the benefits of the kids having every other full weekend and one/two nights in the week with him.

@itsgettingwierd

Re him covering Thursday and Friday during holiday the arrangement has to clearly state he is responsible for them from the time they are dropped at school on Thursday rather than the time it finishes. School then need to know Thursday and Fridays he's contact 1 for emergencies etc.

Schools and childcare are shit anyway.

They generally contact the mother (or a female carer) even if the father is available and they know he picks them up on particular days. You have to force them to contact the father first by making sure you don't answer your phone to them on his days a few times.

Tweak original suggestion that he picks them up from school wedesday? Then one week he brings them back either late Friday or early sat morning then next week he brings them back sunday bathed and ready for school?

@MilduraS

I have no suggestions but just wanted to jump in and say although you're going through a shitty divorce, it's lovely to see you both fighting because you want to spend weekends with the kids. I've seen so many posts from parents complaining about "losing" their weekend or saying it's not fair if they have to have the kids more often.

Hmm I’m not convinced all those wanting their kids home more is solely down to genuine reasons. Some want to be seen to be the main resident parent I’m sure for financial reasons.

At least people being honest saying they enjoy their time free weekends is honest.

DSD used to come every other weekend Friday night to Sunday evening and tbh it was rubbish. She was so unsettled for the whole of Sunday evening. When we switched to Friday after school pick up until Monday school drop off things were so much better for her. Plus it meant us and her Mum all got a full weekend to ourselves every other weekend. Honestly OP I really wouldn't like either yours or your ex's suggestions, too much moving around for the DC.

I don't get it, sounds like he's offering more than you're asking?

Maybe some people actually like spending time with their kids?

I actually think your way is much fairer, OP. With his way, you only get 2 weekend days a month. That's pretty crap. I also think he should take them for a chunk of time during the holidays. Your way also means you can find regular work. If he wants an extra day, I'd offer a weekday, but I guess with work he will say no to that.

I don't see a judge giving him what he has asked and if you go EOW, you will struggle with work. I think you should stand form, but offer longer stints during the holidays.

[quote Bobsmyaunty]@stompythedinosaur (lots of dinosaurs on this thread - I love it!)

Maybe you are right, about the EOW split. It's just ... I can't bear the thought of a whole weekend without my kids. Makes me want to cry!

I must preferred the idea of us each getting a weekend day and night EVERY week.[/quote]
How do you think he feels then? I think his suggestion is more reasonable.

@FrangipaniBlue

I can never understand why in shared custody arrangements people don't do Wednesday to Wednesday?

That way both parents have the same number of school drop off and pick ups, equal holiday responsibility and one weekend with the DC vs one weekend free.

We do this and i agree it works really well. It's particularly good because the weekend is in the middle of the time with them, so not when they're just coming back or going. But it took time to work up to this as a week away felt way too much in the beginning.

I spoke with dd this afternoon and she confirmed that our current arrangement is her preference because "there are less changeovers and it's less confusing". And I was amazed she remembers all the iterations we've had as she was only just 5 when we split. They're little sponges...!

I think doing a changeover on a weekly morning is rubbish for the kids, they can never have a lie in, lazy pj day, this definitely won’t work in a few years for the eldest. Thru want to settle somewhere and relax.

We started with doing a drop off on Saturday late afternoon and it was pretty disruptive as the whole day felt like we were waiting, and if ds was being challenging then it was too easy to bring it forward that's why using school to handover is much easier too.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

This is what we do and have for some time. I think it works fine. It's not like any arrangement will ever be perfect.

We are very flexible about arrangements though. We try to keep to the days as much as possible for consistency but if, eg, one child had a party on Saturday we use it as a chance for one to do the party and one to take the other DC somewhere for some one to one time. So take turns.

Also if there is a grandparents birthday on a Sunday or a weekend away planned etc we allow for that.

School holidays we try to keep to pattern but work holidays/annual leave out together to minimise childcare needed.

[quote Bobsmyaunty]@Dixiechickonhols - I am assuming he will always have to cover THURS and FRI.

Trying to find a part time job that is only 2.5 days a week and pays well is like trying to find a static shooting star.[/quote]
As a single mum with school age children, what is your rationale for focussing on a 2.5 day job? It can make sense if you are very low income and your earnings won't cover childcare, but if you want a decently paid job, you might do a lot better to go back more days and pay for some childcare. The benefit of the pandemic is that most employers will now be more open to doing some days from home, and once you're more established you'll be in a better place to ask for flexibility in the longer term.

I work full time and when then-DH moved out it was so hard, but it meant that I earned enough to cover childcare and all the little things that make life so much easier, I see so many other single mums having to scrabble for every £, and kids go without after school clubs because CMS doesn't go far enough, while their DH buys the kids electronics and nice trainers and swoops them off for weekend outings and fancy holidays during his (limited) time. Of course many DCs do wise up to this, but not all, and there is power in having a properly independent income.

Ex DH that should be!

I'm adjusting my thinking now to:
wk1: thurs - sat am
wk2: thurs - sun am

So week 1 he has 2 nights a week and week 2 he has 3nights?

I would personally go for week one Friday to Monday morning 3 nights and week 2 a midweek dinner if he is set up to do that? but he may not go for that at all

I also have a 6 & an 8 year old and I separated from their dad 2 years ago! We get along quite well thankfully and the kids know they can go between us whenever they like - we sometimes have one each so they get 'mum / dad nights' which was a bit of a saviour during lockdown as we bubbled and the kids got a change of scene / parent / time apart from each other.
Generally the week nights and weekend we split between us - they stay at their dads Tue and Thu evening and on Sat Night and Sunday Day.
I always do the school run because my job is 10am-2pm (it's admin role and I love it!) whilst he works longer hours.
If it's a bank holiday or half term then he will generally ask to have them a bit longer as he doesn't get the opportunity in the week to spend decent quality time due to his working hours.

It does work both ways and if I need an evening or have something on for work or am under the weather then he will cover me.

Things like appointments for Drs and Dentist we keep each other informed on & if I need a spare pair of hands then he will help out (esp at dentist!). Also if theres anything they need to know about school or need to split costs for anything we communicate it.

Christmas we split the days and alternate each year. Birthdays we ask what the kids want to do (this year for instance child 1 wanted to wake up at dads, have presents then come to mine so me and child 2 spent the evening making the house full of balloons and decorations). If they want to do a birthday activity we will go along together if that's what they want and we split the cost. It's no big deal.

My dad left when I was 17 and I never heard from him again - I am really glad that they have a dad who loves spending time with them.

When they aren't with me I would exercise, decorate, garden, pre covid I would visit family and go on dates. I have a partner who I see 2-3 times a week, depending on what's going on (we haven't seen much of each other this last year but we still are making it work!)

I had the fear of empty days / evenings so I made a list of things that I wanted to achieve and did them when they were at their dads (get a tattoo, swim in the sea, get my lashes done, do the food shopping in peace 😂, spend a whole day reading, learn to cook fluffy pancakes etc) doesn't have to be anything big to make you feel good about the time they aren't there.

Sorry that was really long!!! Really you just have to do what's right for you. Here if you need anything! X

We currently split Wed - Saturday evening / Sat - Wed every week and this is working well. Wed is pick up after school, earlier in hols. Flexibility to take account of respective family events, occasional w/e's away and planned holidays, though the latter two haven't arisen for quite sometime due to covid.