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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

188 replies

Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 12:43

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 18:45

Sorry, I mean, pick up DD that finishes at 2.55. My eldest finishes at 4.

OP posts:
RedGoldAndGreene · 07/04/2021 18:47

[quote Bobsmyaunty]@doyoumind

Can I ask what you consider to be EOW? For some posters this is Friday night until Monday drop off. And for others it's Sat and Sun.[/quote]
It depends on distance really. My ex doesn't live near enough to do school drop off on Monday so drops the kids off on Sunday. Similarly getting the kids after work on Friday means travelling in rush hour which is unnecessary stress for everyone so he picks up on Saturday.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/04/2021 18:51

Thurs - Sun 4pm one week
Thurs to Sat 10am other week

I really wouldn't do this.

I would do one weekend Friday night - Monday morning. So he picks them up from school on Friday, has them all weekend and drops them off on Monday, giving you the weekend free.

Then the next week, he has them Wednesday night-Friday morning. So he picks them up from school on Wednesday and drops them to school on Friday morning, giving HIM the weekend free.

I think it's important you both get a totally child-free weekend, and that you each get a weekend where you're responsible for Sunday nights/homework/bath/uniform etc.

RandomMess · 07/04/2021 18:51

EOW is Friday from school drop off/breakfast club until Monday end of school/after school care.

This is why you need to nail down who does the

RandomMess · 07/04/2021 18:52

Have you ordered pension valuations yet? That can make a big difference.

toocold54 · 07/04/2021 18:53

Is it possible to do full weeks?
So he picks them up Sunday evenings or from school on Monday and does the entire week and then the following week you swap?
You both then have them week days and weekends and you’ll both know the exact rules.

MotherForker · 07/04/2021 18:55

I love my weekends without the kids, it's definitely one of the benefits of divorce! I get a whole 5 nights to myself (we do 5,5,2,2). I get to be an actual person again. No doing bedtime, eat what I want, watch what I want on TV, lie in bed as long as I like. Its lovely. And I've only experienced it in lockdown!

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 18:56

@toocold54

He wouldn't be able to do a 2.55 pick up every day and I don't want the kids to see divorce as them suddenly in clubs all the time. I think I need to ease them in gently. They have become used to me doing drop offs and pick ups and school holidays.

OP posts:
SpilltheTea · 07/04/2021 19:04

I got fed up of splitting weekends as a child. The constant back and forth was very irritating when you just want to play and relax. One parent always got pissed off when a sleepover/party/ play date used up their day. I feel like this arrangement puts the parents' feelings first and I'm sure it works for some, but I hated it.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/04/2021 19:29

Your talking about asset splits on mediation without having advice from a lawyer? Stop that right now!

You say you don't think you'll get more than 50/50, why? You are likely to given you have no income at present and do all the care.

Please don't agree to anything financial in mediation without having taken advice. And yes that includes pensions.

Misty9 · 07/04/2021 19:52

@Bobsmyaunty I was really worried about the kids feeling I was leaving them but they never seemed to feel that in the event. I made sure I didn't move out until my rental was ready for them to stay the night too (not sure I'd advise that again though as it was a nightmare!) and we split the costs of all rental deposits and home set up (kitchen stuff, furniture etc).

I got 60 40 in my favour for asset split. Because I earn half what he does and because I'd done the most childcare, although he was pt too. Spousal was for two years while I got my career back on track. Income disparity can mean child maintenance is payable even with 50 50 split. My exh will pay around £200pm going forwards but I get all the child benefit too.

Misty9 · 07/04/2021 19:53

Oh and our pensions cancelled each other out. He was a bit miffed about that! (mine is NHS).

titchy · 07/04/2021 20:00

[quote Bobsmyaunty]@toocold54

He wouldn't be able to do a 2.55 pick up every day and I don't want the kids to see divorce as them suddenly in clubs all the time. I think I need to ease them in gently. They have become used to me doing drop offs and pick ups and school holidays.[/quote]
You can work towards him picking up though, or arranging a nanny to pick up and look after at his house. Don't base decisions on a little ones current schedule as it'll change very quickly.

TableFlowerss · 07/04/2021 20:16

@SpilltheTea

I got fed up of splitting weekends as a child. The constant back and forth was very irritating when you just want to play and relax. One parent always got pissed off when a sleepover/party/ play date used up their day. I feel like this arrangement puts the parents' feelings first and I'm sure it works for some, but I hated it.
So what’s the options? Genuinely what would you have preferred?
Dixiechickonhols · 07/04/2021 20:49

You aren’t realistically going to find a 2 day a week job only working Thursday Friday, especially not term time only. Like a previous poster said if you limit your earnings you are going to end up as poor mum doing week day drudgery and him as fun dad with cash to spend. You need to prioritise you and by doing that you’ll benefit your children.
On your plan you never have a weekend with your children so can’t go away. No Friday night end of term celebrations. You get every Sunday night getting ready for school chores. Plus all your collections are from his house, their home until now - you are going to find it very upsetting if they don’t want to come away especially if they complain their new whatever that you can’t afford is there. All his pick ups are easy from school. Agree be Crystal clear on holidays, inset and sick days.

BusyLizzie61 · 07/04/2021 21:02

[quote Bobsmyaunty]@Dixiechickonhols - I am assuming he will always have to cover THURS and FRI.

Trying to find a part time job that is only 2.5 days a week and pays well is like trying to find a static shooting star.[/quote]
It sounds like he wants 3 to 4 nights at least per fortnight. I wonder if he's read tgat this tops him into a lower mainstream bracket?

My suggestion would be Friday to Monday morning, so he does the school runs and the parenting involved.
That then allows you proper, unfettered quality weekend time too.
And then either overnight or dinner on the Wednesday night if the week he doesn't have the children that weekend.

BUT, if you want to guarantee he has to manage childcare etc consistently, stating he has the children every certain week day(s) would assist you workwise.
I would also be stating that if he has school days contact he's liable to cover those days in the holidays and any school sickness absences. This is significant else you're juggling everything with work as well.

I'd also list the special occasions that trump the usual arrangement, mothers day your birthday for example. And think about family events like Christmas and how holidays will be shared.

jamaisjedors · 07/04/2021 21:09

I have teens, 14 & 16 and although my situation is complicated, eow for us means Saturday morning 10am to Sunday night 6pm.

We might consider adding Friday night but exh is asking for Friday 6.30pm and if I said yes i would want him to be responsible from after school.

Otherwise it just makes his life easier and mine harder, waiting around for the dc to get their stuff together, Friday nights being overshadowed by exh picking the dc up etc.

They also get Wednesday afternoon with their dad, home for 6pm, no school here in Wednesday afternoon (but class on Saturday mornings).

As teens, The dc like to be back on Sunday night as it means they only need to take minimal stuff to their dad's for the weekend.

If they stayed Sunday nights they would need to prepare stuff for 3 nights plus all their schoolbooks and homework for Monday.

Also they like to have a whole weekend at home (with me, new home, which they have adapted to and call home, despite me being the one who left), they can make plans with friends, stay in pjs all day, just chill, no packing up stuff etc.

Wallywobbles · 07/04/2021 21:48

You need to try and imagine a time in the future - say in 5 years. When your current choices mean you can never have a weekend away. You will regret it.

Try and think long term and sustainable. When they are teens is a part time job going to cut it? Probably not. You deserve a career not just a job.

ElleEmDee · 07/04/2021 22:36

Make sure it’s documented who is responsible for the kids on a Thursday during holidays. I know a couple who had a similar arrangement where one always dropped at school on a Thursday and the other always picked up from school on a Thursday and they both assumed the other would be responsible for school holiday thursdays.

Ginger1982 · 07/04/2021 23:22

I used to be a family lawyer and EOW was literally two weekends out of four and often a night during the week. So one weekend he wouldn't see them at all and the next weekend he would have them Friday night to Sunday night. That means both parents have a full weekend with the kids and a full weekend without which helps god holidays.

The major downside is the RP is left covering all the school days etc whilst dad gets to be Disney dad on his weekend.

If you want more of a 50/50 then I think you need more of a rolling pattern so 3 nights on, 3 nights off, 3 nights on, 3 nights off and so on. That way it's spread more evenly.

OverTheRubicon · 07/04/2021 23:24

He has agreed to child maintenance and also spousal maintenance until I can support myself.

I have been on this journey too, but you have to start thinking like a single person. You can't rely on his support anymore.

Assume that it's a bad but not impossible case that in 3 months he'll meet someone else on a dating app, and suddenly he won't be interested paying a penny more child or spousal maintenance than you have contracted. Assume (which I think is true) that he's trying to get away with paying you out because it will be WAY less than if you got proper legal advice and an actuarial valuation of his pension. As a start, doing anything to force sale of the family home is a pretty good thing, as you say it makes it much harder for the kids when you have main custody but not in their old home.

You will not get a job that will support you for 2.5 hours a week around school terms. Has he been working from home at all during covid? If so, he can do pickups, or given his high salary, more likely he can find a really good after school nanny. Clubs aren't the worst thing at 6 and 8, many kids enjoy them, or if they really don't like them, many employers are much more open to flex time now, or with money you could also look at an after school nanny.

The children's lives have changed, and that's ok. Yours has too, and it is good to work out where you really want to be and what time and money you need to achieve that.

MadgeHarvyy · 07/04/2021 23:28

Have you never had a weekend away from your kids?? I love my son to death but omg take the opportunity to have EOW child free!

DianaT1969 · 07/04/2021 23:45

For the sake of your future job keep it consistent. Honestly, having a whole weekend to yourself will be bliss when you are working. You can travel, date someone new, go to the gym, get your hair done.
If I were you, I'd agree to every other weekend and he has them Mon to Weds too. You get the more relaxed Thursday and Friday.

RainbowMum11 · 08/04/2021 00:06

How far apart do you live? Is there a lot of travelling between the houses?

We have a mix of days and weekends depending on our work schedules (both self employed now) which does involve DD going between but she has her own bedroom, clothes, toys etc at each house. It doesn't confuse her as long as she knows what is happening - it has been mixed up with lockdown but generally he has 2 weekdays and I have 3 and we alternate the others so we get as much fun/chilled time.

RainbowMum11 · 08/04/2021 00:12

And in terms of filling the weekends - I catch up with work I wasn't able to complete in the week, I meet up with friends now we are allowed, read, watch tv and films that I can't when DD is around, go for walks, sleep - I never struggle to occupy myself at all. It takes time but learning to appreciate the peace and time to yourself can be an absolute blessing (that many parents don't get).