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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

188 replies

Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 12:43

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 07/04/2021 13:41

my ex tried to suggest different arrangements one week to the next. But that was too confusing for me - so I stick to the same ones every week/alternate week. I know I have a whole weekend off every other week and I love it now!

TeaAddict235 · 07/04/2021 13:41

@Tinydinosaur

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I don't get it, sounds like he's offering more than you're asking?

Exactly the post doesn't make sense. Difficultly unclear.
Kimye4eva · 07/04/2021 13:43

Your suggestion doesn’t even give him one full weekend day which I don’t think is very fair.

Shinesun14 · 07/04/2021 13:46

DH used to do every Friday night to Saturday at 4, then pick back up Sunday at 4 and drop to school Monday with a Wednesday night. His ex hated this as she couldn't go away for weekends with dss or without him and was tied to the 4pm handover time. Dh was reluctant to change as he didn't want to go Wednesday to Wednesday without seeing dss. They came up with eow Friday to Monday but the weekend dh doesn't have dss he has him the Sunday evening. It's working well for everyone and dss feels much more settled now he's not back and forth all weekend.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:47

@Kimye4eva

Thanks - that's what he said too. Although I would never get a full weekend under that arrangement either. My thinking was that we'd both prefer to see the kids EVERY weekend.

But I can see with all that the posters have shared, that there is value in EOW, not least for the kids.

I'm adjusting my thinking now to:
wk1: thurs - sat am
wk2: thurs - sun am

Although, i do have to be careful about this limiting my earning potential as he will only ever have to cover Thurs / Friday during holidays and after school term time.

Tbh tho, I'd much rather maximise my time with DC's and I think they need as much consistency around school run as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:48

@Shinesun14

Thank you - other posters have mentioned that it's more stable for the kids to be in one place for the whole weekend too.

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 07/04/2021 13:51

I think it's odd that you don't want a full weekend with them i.e. Friday night to Monday morning. I'd push for that EOW and him having that EOW. You will soon get used to being without them and will be able to meet friends for lunch/have hair cuts/go shopping or just veg out in front of the TV. Also as you say get jobs done. Then plan for the other weekend to be fun and busy with the kids. I have a good friend who is divorced and we plan social things around her kids being absent and kid friendly things when they're there.

I think going forward as you start to want to go away with them or even without them and you have visitors at weekends and stuff like that it's the best way.

How you then share the weekdays seems up to you. My DBro organised work so that he can finish a little early one day a week and pick his son up. He still goes to after school club but just until 4.30 and then has dinner and a play with his dad. Can't your ex do this on a weds for example?

Feelingconfused2020 · 07/04/2021 13:52

What type of job are you looking for?

TableFlowerss · 07/04/2021 13:53

I think every other weekend would be best for the kids and both parents as it gives them two full weekends a month with DC then two free, so time to get things done, see friends, get house sparking, gym, socialise etc... you might meet someone else and you’ll know when you’re free and can plan round it.

You’ll be surprised at how easily you fill your time when they’re happy at their dads. Different if they hate it, but if they’re happy that should hopefully make you happy and your new found free time more enjoyable.

It’s a bit like before they start school and you can’t imagine how you’ll cope not having stuck to your hip every hour of every day but parents soon get used to the free time! Look at lockdown, people were tearing their hair out to get their kids back to school!

are allowed to enjoy your free time without having to be seen crying

I’d say mostly with you through the week to give them their bass and every other weekend with him. You might want to have them all the time and whilst that’s all lovely, they aren’t possessions and your wants don’t trump their needs.

I don’t even think you have to be that rigid at the moment with planning the holidays etc... obviously if you’re only working part time then you’ll no doubt have them for the bulk of the holidays anyway.

Good luck with it all!

Viviennemary · 07/04/2021 13:58

Seems he is doing quite a lot of the weekends. Don't really understand why you are complaining.,

Crappyfridays7 · 07/04/2021 13:59

It is hard op, when I split from my kids dad our kids went to his when I worked so 2 days a week. He worked shifts and I work shifts so you can imagine it was really stressful to sort out with work too but of course I was the one who had to ask to work his days off, lucky they’ve been great with me but didn’t have to be. So my kids have 2 full weekends with him when I work and 3 with me. So I never get a weekend without you them unless I’m at work of occasionally annual leave falls on his weekend with them. They cope absolutely fine and totally used to it now. We have a ‘dad bag’ that goes back and forth with bits of toys clothes etc in we parent very amicably though which makes life easier. (I don’t speak to my first husband at all so it’s not always like this) my older 2 chose when to see their dad. My eldest didn’t at all for a good amount of time and my ds15 goes on a Wednesday and weekends which is more than 50:50 and his dad only feeds him. He doesn’t clothe him, pay for school dinners or haircuts or school stuff or shoes and he seems to think that’s acceptable. Tbh I just decided my ds didn’t have a dad and I provide for him and his brother before he worked. My younger 2 dad we split everything and it’s much easier.

Things will get better and you will enjoy time to yourself eventually op, being a single parent is quite full on, there’s no one to do the chores or help out if you need it or someone to watch the kids whilst you pop out so I do my shopping on non kids days and housework whilst they are at school or in bed. You will get it there though and I loved it, all on my own terms without a man who disagreed with everything we did who couldn’t discipline his own kids etc it was bliss!!

Lubiluxe · 07/04/2021 14:00

Op I wouldn't do Thurs to Sat and Thurs to Sunday am. How are you ever supposed to go away at the weekend? Same with your ex.

heymammy · 07/04/2021 14:01

@Bobsmyaunty

Anyone had any feedback from their kids at what arrangement worked best of them?
In my experience op, my dc hated changing houses at the weekend, felt like they couldn't relax, so there was always a to do on a Saturday morning. In saying that maybe your suggestion of doing the changeover after tea would work better.

Once we realised that switching on a Sat morning wasn't working we changed to alternate weekends and it's brilliant! It was lonely at first and I found myself doing bloody jigsaws to pass the time, but after about 4 months I found my groove and wouldn't do it any other way.

The routine that works now (youngest dc is 9) is Friday after work until drop off at school Monday morn constitutes a weekend, then we split mon/tue & wed/thu as the weeknights.

OctupusObsidian · 07/04/2021 14:01

I think you need to do it differently and each swap a Sunday then a Saturday to be honest.

Kids activities and parties are usually Saturdays so he would miss a lot of his time with them.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 14:01

Thanks everyone, you have brought me round to the EOW idea - especially since it seems to work so well for the kids.

@Feelingconfused2020 - I'm not sure what job yet, I'm open to any possibility. I just completed a MA in Creative Writing, but I don't think that actually qualifies for anything ...

Maybe a part time comms job?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 07/04/2021 14:03

Is he aiming for more time with them so he pays less maintenance? Keep an eye on that. It often happens that the costs are born far more by one parent, even when it's supposedly 50/50

PADH · 07/04/2021 14:15

Each of us have EOW and 2 week nights each for dinner (dd sleeps in my house after having dinner at her dads, but he does school pick up, homework, dinner, bath and brings her home in her pj's on his 2 nights).

So week one: I have her Monday, Wednesday and Friday-sunday
Week two: I have her Tuesday, Thursday and weekend off.

I do all school drop offs except the Monday following exes full weekend, and pick ups on my days.

It's suits us well, but me and ex are on excellent terms. There was a lot of give and take to work out what suited us best.

Ultimatecougar · 07/04/2021 14:17

Even if truly 50/50 it can be difficult if the earning power of the parents are vastly different. Both parents in that scenario need to run and maintain a house big enough for themselves and the children 100% of the time. Often the lower earner will really struggle to do this once on their own.

Sometimes it works better if one parent does wow and pays maintenance. Then the RP can maintain the family home whereas the bro who is paying maintenance can get by on something smaller.

raincamepouringdown · 07/04/2021 14:20

I would NOT split like this because although he'll have them half the time, he won't have any of the drudgery of school runs, appointments etc. So he'll not have to pay maintenance if he has them half the time while you're still sacrificing jobs to cover school run hours, childcare hours, appointments etc.

If he wants them half the time, week on/week off, including school days. Make him do his share since he won't be giving you any maintenance towards them under his proposal.

RandomMess · 07/04/2021 14:33

Why don't you do

Week 1 Thur - mon
Week 2 thur - Fri night

You need to clarify what that means in school hols though - he has every Thursday & Friday plus alternate Mondays.

MilduraS · 07/04/2021 14:34

I have no suggestions but just wanted to jump in and say although you're going through a shitty divorce, it's lovely to see you both fighting because you want to spend weekends with the kids. I've seen so many posts from parents complaining about "losing" their weekend or saying it's not fair if they have to have the kids more often.

OwlBeThere · 07/04/2021 14:39

We have always done EOW Friday after school to Monday morning, and he has them every Wednesday night.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/04/2021 14:43

I can never understand why in shared custody arrangements people don't do Wednesday to Wednesday?

That way both parents have the same number of school drop off and pick ups, equal holiday responsibility and one weekend with the DC vs one weekend free.

TheCrowening · 07/04/2021 14:43

So he has them every Friday night in the proposals - that’s not EOW. It means every weekend your children will be moving between homes rather than getting to the end of a school week and thinking they can just put their feet up and relax for a couple of days.

JustLyra · 07/04/2021 14:43

Glad you’ve reconsidered him having every weekend.

You’ll want some Saturdays with the kids too.

I would do wk1 collect at school Wednesday and drop off Thursday

Wk2 collect at school Thursday or Friday and drop off Monday morning.

Gives you both a full weekend with the children.

Also make sure you discuss school holidays and sick days in your negotiation. It’s amazing how children suddenly become the sole responsibility of the RP in that situation (and often conveniently forgotten about in the “I have them an average of 3 nights a week” maintenance calculations).

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