Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

188 replies

Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 12:43

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:17

@jamaisjedors - thank you.

I'm starting to realise I should consider this.

But with a fair EOW split, not him always having saturday, but also saturday night EOW.

Instead, maybe it should be...

one week: he has thurs- sat am
one week: he has thurs - sun am

Is that in line with what most people do?

THANK YOU for all your comments. I so appreciate your responses.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 07/04/2021 13:18

Mine definitely preferred & still do eow. It also means that you are not stuck on a Saturday being home for teatime every week, so neither you or exH & kids can go out for the day or visiting or such. It’s really limiting.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:19

@Doidontimmm - thank you

How do you find your weekend without kids? Have you got used to it?

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 07/04/2021 13:20

I do every Weds night and alternate Sat/Sun nights with ExH.

He used to drop them back on Sunday evening, but that meant I had the preschool rush. He drops them at school on Monday and Thursday mornings and picks up on Weds night. The children like this arrangement.

Look, I know it's difficult for you. I was the same, I didn't want empty weekends. But you need to put the children first and what they need. They will be fine with the whole weekend with their dad, and in fact would find it easier - it's a block of 2 nights, less coming and going. And you will get used to having weekends free. To start with I hated it, but you come to enjoy it and look forward to the down time.

Doidontimmm · 07/04/2021 13:22

I’d say that’s unfair on him never having a full weekend to himself, if he meets someone new that’s never going to go down well.

I’d do:

Week one - one night during week
Week two - thurs to Monday

So still 5 nights.

HelenHywater · 07/04/2021 13:22

my 8yo daughter loves this arrangement by the way. She loves daddy picking her up from school once a week and she loves it when he drops her off. He gives her lovely unhealthy full of crap packed lunches and is a bit of a disney dad, but I suck it up because it makes her very happy.

MangoBiscuit · 07/04/2021 13:23

First few times without my DDs, I cried. I missed them something rotten. A year and a bit later, and we've settled into the routine. I still prefer it when they're here, but the weekends they're at their dad's, I book up with stuff I can't really do when they're here. Before covid that included grown up trips out, now it's more DIY projects, lie ins, and long walks. Using the time to clear my chores too means we get to have relaxed fun when they're home too, so it's a win win.

We do Wed pm till Sat am, and Wed pm till Sun pm (50/50) making sure I have enough time for Sunday night hair washes, and bag packing, some chill time, and a reasonable bed time.

Doidontimmm · 07/04/2021 13:23

I hate to say I loved my weekends without kids!!! Mine now teens so not an issue now.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:25

@HelenHywater.

Thank you.

So, just to clarify does that mean Ex-H has them Wed after school and drop off Thursday every week. Then EOW it's sat morning and drop off at school Monday?

Do you manage to fit in working around that? Please ignore that question if too personal.

Ahhh, you are so right, it's my FEAR of empty weekends. I feel kind of bereft at the idea.

How long before I begin to enjoy it!

I am a writer (a well as seeking work) so I guess it gives me a lot of writing time. Maybe I'll get published at the end of it. Ha!

OP posts:
Misty9 · 07/04/2021 13:25

My dc were similar ages when we split two years ago and we've had various patterns since until we've settled on one full week each (changeover weds) BUT, like you that felt far too much time apart at the start. Initially we did split the weekends and I had them weds to sat night and then eow I'd have them sat night. Then that changed to me having them every weds-Fri and alternate weekends. But that meant eow a long stretch without them, so we changed again to week on week off. Or something like that - 50 50 anyway. Every time we changed it was because of dc expressing a desire to do so, usually by acting out a bit first and the chat ending with that. We've both always put the dc first and the eldest is autistic and neither like change. But there's no getting away from the fact that divorce is shit Flowers and probably more usefully Wine

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:28

@Misty9

Divorce IS shit.

That's good to know about your various patterns, and listening to the kids and making changes is good advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
Misty9 · 07/04/2021 13:30

And I've come to appreciate my time without the dc. It was really hard to start with and tbh week on week off is a bit all or nothing which can still be hard. But my youngest in particular wanted less moving around and equal time at each home - both dc are very insistent on this part! My youngest was just five when we split though and more attached to me than her dad, so that influenced my thinking too. It's easier as they've got older.

FourDecades · 07/04/2021 13:30

EOW. DC go to their Dad's Friday eve till Sunday eve. If BH or Inset day falls on the Monday, it is up to that parent to cover it.

School holidays are shared 50/50.

No, l don't miss them. Harsh but true. I have really relished being more then "Mum" 24/7. Plus if you need to work then the weekends without them are an ideal time to do that.

Keepmekeeping · 07/04/2021 13:32

We do 1 week night (tues) and every Friday night back for dinner at 5 he feeds then the pick up day and I feed them the drop off day. As the resident parent I've found what I want holds more sway as long as it's not detrimental to the children. He could always request 50/50 then have more say but pigs will fly before that happens.

I didn't want a whole weekend without my kids. Also what your ex is suggesting my mum done it ended up with her doing all the grunt work with us during the week then she only had every second Sunday for anything fun, she always knew we would need hair done uniform etc that evening so it was always back in time for it. Looking back my dad ended up the fun parent and my mum the boring one through timing. No way would I go for it. If EOW was the only way I would say to do the Monday drop off the you can get them from school.

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:33

@misty9

Is there anything in particular that you did to make your time without them work for you?

I have a few friends who have recently separated so I can see some fun walks and stuff with them in my future, plus writing and exercise and house clearing time.

OP posts:
Misty9 · 07/04/2021 13:35

I'd recommend changeover day being a school day too as it's much gentler on you, and fine for the dc. In the holidays it's hard to have a full house one hour and empty the next... We duplicate nearly everything like uniform etc, and have a big box which moves all the current toy de jour and special cuddlies (all 100 of them dd Hmm)

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:36

@Keepmekeeping

Thanks - that was my concern too. That I would be the school run, homework, hair wash parent. He'll have more money than me to splash around on days out too.

It sounds like, if I did go for EOW, it has to be ALL the weekend EOW, not his current suggestion of thurs - sat night one week, then thurs - sun morning the next.

BUT, thurs to sat am one week, and thurs to sun morning the following.

OP posts:
Keepmekeeping · 07/04/2021 13:36

I should add we have an informal arrangement for full weekends if either of us want to take them away we just swap over.

Misty9 · 07/04/2021 13:38

I found it really tough tbh. I remember a lot of crying and not a lot of eating - so I lost weight at least! I also joined meet up groups and rediscovered my love of cocktails and dancing! Luckily I was more settled by the time the pandemic came along. I've actually just ended my relationship I've had since, and now I envisage walks, meeting up with friends, and more drinking and dancing when we can! But it was bloody hard and an emotional roller-coaster. Be kind to yourself is my advice.

HelenHywater · 07/04/2021 13:38

Every week he picks them up from school on Weds night, and drops them off at school on Thursday morning. I do pick up on Thursday as normal

Then every other weekend he takes them after lunch on Saturday and has them Sat and Sun nights, takes them to school on Monday morning and I pick them up on Monday night.

That works well for me and my daughter especially loves it.

It's really hard to start with. I remember desperately filling my weekends with friends, clubs and dating. I always arranged something so I wasn't alone. But you do get used to it honestly. It becomes easier. It's nice not to have to do the drudgery of evening meal planning. Having a lie in. Not doing the drudgery all the time. You can see friends, or sit on the sofa. It's hard, but it gets easier. And for me that arrangement works well for the children. 2 nights EOW is good - one night isn't enough for the children I don't think, and it means you don't get a long enough break

I have always worked, so it's been easier for me, but I work full time and have no problems. In normal times I use after school clubs, and am not tied to school hours. Holidays slightly more stressful as exH refuses to have them but I have managed.

ivykaty44 · 07/04/2021 13:38

Why advice would be to push for much more time for him and then retract, so make your starting point for example

Thursday afternoon pick up from school and then have until Sunday morning

Then the following weekend Saturday evening through till Tuesday morning school drop off

Otherwise as someone up thread said - when is he going to get contact with school or after school care (if he perhaps travels hell be needing to set up after school care - this is his duty to sort out) don't be letting him say "oh but I work" yes and you'll need to set up child care arrangements like other parents do when they work

I have friends that do every other weekend Thursday through till Monday morning and one mid week evening - they work so put child in after school club every other week until 6pm then have tea etc together

both parents need to step up, not just leave everything to the RP

Original poster
Bobsmyaunty · 07/04/2021 13:38

@Misty9

I was wondering about the stuff situation!!

He is a uber self-sufficient control freak-type person, so I can't imagine him wanting to share uniform with me. So I think we'll end up with two of everything for that reason.

Obviously they'll have their current reading book and preferred home clothes to have to swap continuously.

Funny that your DD wants 100 toys. I can imagine my youngest opting for that too!!!

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 07/04/2021 13:38

@Tinydinosaur

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I don't get it, sounds like he's offering more than you're asking?

My thoughts too.....
Keepmekeeping · 07/04/2021 13:39

It's a nightmare to sort it all out and mums particularly focus on the kids but for me maximising my fun time with then was important. No way was I ending up the nanny while he enjoyed them.

If you can work out a plan then agree some flexibility it will help you all in the long run.

Lubiluxe · 07/04/2021 13:40

I'd suggest he has them Friday (pick up from school) to Monday (drop off at school) every other weekend, that way he's also getting stuck in with weekend homework and getting a drop off. And then every Weds over night (pick up from school on the weds and drop off on Thursday)
That isn't a 50/50 split but not too bad.