AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

[Bobsmyaunty]

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

As someone has already said up thread, please whatever you do, do not prioritise his work over your own. What you agree now will form the basis of arrangements for some time to come and flexibility needs to go both ways. Whilst he may be happy to have lots of contact now, that may not be the case once things have settled. And to make matters worse, you may not have consistent maintenance to rely on so may need to work full time. Think very very carefully about you and your children’s needs going forward.

I've (not through choice) been without my kids every other week since they were 3 and 6. They are now 11 and 13. Sometimes due to holiday changes I'm without them for up to 11 days.
It's still hard but I've just had to learn to accept it.

Wow, this is so interesting.

I’m heading the advice from posters who have said not to prioritise his career over mine, because you are right - I am subconsciously doing that out of habit. Plus because I don’t yet have a career to know what time and space it needs.

I’ve also asked to spend an hour with a Family Lawyer to get sorted before mediation begins.

I still feel a bit torn around childcare arrangements. The EOW fri - sun (or mon) and one week night means I have a lot of school pick ups to do and only one guaranteed day where I can work straight through. My littlest will leave infant school in a year and / half and then her pick up time is 4pm so that will be way more manageable, but right now, the idea I could work two long days for definite all through the year felt good.

But as a poster said, if he has thurs/fri he will always get the exciting weekend night. And will my kids want to leave their family home on a sat morning when they’ve only just got there?

But if we split week nights (say me mom / tues and him wed/thurs) and then do EOW that’s very 50/50 and I’ll get no child maintenance and less time with my kids.

This is very, very difficult!

Did I see that you have another house with him? Is there no way that you can live there? Or at least sell that to split the cost?

My feeling is you have got the focus a bit wrong here. You are settling on what will be quick and easy (most peaceful/least contentious) now re equity and finances but then long term factoring in needing maintenance payments to how much time the children spend with their dad. Get a better "deal" upfront and then you can work out what contact is in best interests of children instead of trying to have them with you for financial purposes.

@DuffyFlucks- my last post did sound like it was for financial purposes, but it's really not. I actually just want lots of time with them and because my eldest is very anxious I'm wary about her suddenly going into lots of clubs (a big anxiety trigger for her). I also like doing the school pick up.

But ... now I recognise I am going to need to have to support myself, which means carving out space to work. My Ex-DH likes me doing picks ups too because he sees that the eldest benefits from it. But, I don't think he sees the financial implications for me ... or the ginormous way his career has benefited from me being a SAHM. He says, 'but you've got a masters now, you could have any job.' It's hard to explain, that yes, but over the last 10 years you have risen to the absolute top of your profession and I have sunk to the bottom. It's not an equal position.

ANYWAY, that aside. My focus is finding a child care arrangement that allows me two solid days to work term and non-term time and allows me equal weekend fun times.

@DuffyFlucks

You are right about getting a better deal upfront.

A few posters have pointed out the split should be 60 / 40 not 50/50.

@763freedom - neither of us want to live in the rental house because ex-Dh's Dad died there. My ex-DH found him dead. I don't want to live there additionally because it's where I lived when I had crippling PND. It just has bad memories for us all round. I'm surprised he wants to keep it, but then it seems he wants to keep everything!

It's understandable to worry about finances. It is in your children's best interests, not you being greedy. You will likely remain reliant on maintenance no matter what you do work wise. I have an agreed maintenance amount that doesn't change regardless of how many night the kids stay in each home which makes it so much easier to work out what's best.

I kept doing school pick up for my children for the first year and didn't work. I think it helped during the upheaval. I now work 5 days a week but finish early 3 and do two late ones.

@DuffyFlucks - I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's this first year which needs to be different for us.

Once they are both at junior school, finish at 4 and have got used to the separation, then upping my working hours seems better.

We do pick up from school fri to drop off at school Monday then the following Monday pick up from school and drop off tuesday.

It works great as I don’t have to see him and he is responsible for arranging wraparound care if needed on those days. That means over 2weeks he does 4 school runs which helps me to arrange late/early meetings at work.

@duffyflucks -do you mind me asking what childcare split you applied for the first year, and then subsequent years? Obviously you don't have to answer that.

And sorry if you have already, I did have a scroll though to look but couldn't see it.

I know you didn’t mean it like this, but this part of your post “ But if we split week nights (say me mom / tues and him wed/thurs) and then do EOW that’s very 50/50 and I’ll get no child maintenance and less time with my kids.” might come across like you don’t want him to have equal time for financial reasons.

Dads can come up against this. We are assumed to be ok with seeing less of our kids and if we push for 50:50 we get told we’re only doing it to avoid paying.

Eow (a full weekemd, not a part) and a day or two in the week is reasonable. He wants to see them too and he’ll miss them when he doesn’t have them

EOW. But get him to return them Sunday evening.

He does 1 pick up and drop off midweek.

Forget that hes dodging the hair wash. He wont do it anyway. After a few weeks he'll say "she didn't want me to" then a few weeks after that he'll say "stop trying to control me". Plus you think they'll benefit from you doing the Monday drop off anyway.

Prepare yourself that he wont wash the uniform either.

I hope I'm wrong. But it is reasonably typical behaviour. So dont make plans for contact believing he'll follow your routine.

You could do a 50:50 split once the younger one is at juniors and ask for spousal support until that happens to compensate for the fact you are having to accommodate the childcare issues.

If he is at the top of his profession why can't he negotiate his hours/change jobs to do a pick up from school Tuesday & Wednesday and have them overnight as well as doing EOW Friday pick up?

I think you need to persist in bouncing back at him that now you are divorcing you need to work just as much as him and his job & career does not take precedence anymore?

The years you haven't paid into a pension etc, the 10 years you are behind on earning potential etc.

Unless he has already used his inheritance as family money he can probably exclude that from the marital asset pot so you need to be negotiating for a much big share of the marital asset pot - including pensions.

Hopefully he his child centric enough to accept a transitional arrangement until your youngest is in juniors as some mythical job to fit her current schooling isn't going to appear overnight.

Seriously you say to him you need to do a mid week pick as well as EOW.

Him but I can't because of job.

Ok but why do you expect my job to let me? Or you expect me to find and pay for childcare for me to work?

Why is your job more important than me starting to build a career equal to yours?

My sibling is divorced & when they first separated they had a similar arrangement for their daughter. She hated it! Never in one place for a whole weekend. She was tired all weekend & never really got to do anything with friends, because she'd always have to be travelling back to the other parents at some point.

They have changed the arrangement now so that over the course of a 2 week period they both have her for a full weekend each (from Friday night to Monday morning). She is a lot happier with this because she can settle for a whole weekend in one place. The other days are then fixed as well so at least they are in a consistent routine, so IIRC she stays home Monday night & Tuesday night, stays at NRP Wednesday night every week, has dinner at NRP on Thursday night but goes home to sleep & then weekends are as mentioned above.

Obviously every family is different but this is what has worked for them. They each get quality time with her on the weekend & also happy with school runs, after school activities etc. They do split school holidays a little differently but that is because one works part time anyway, so they help each other out with working patterns. They are also flexible when it comes to taking her on holiday.

OP please make sure you are getting proper legal advice now from a Solicitor specialising in this type of divorce. Many will delay payment until settlement. Pension split etc needs to be considered. By school hours you mention I assume in private school again it all needs agreement. You mention the inheritance as his but if you are married it could well be a marital asset.
It’s extremely naive to think you can walk into a well paid pt job even with a masters and this needs to be reflected.
He may be reasonable now but imagine he dies or decides to give it all up and go travelling or start a business earning 0 on paper. No maintenance. You need to be as established as you can be from divorce and in a position to work properly not lumbered with all childcare.
Or if he meets someone else and has another 2 children - maintenance will reduce, he may now think state school is fine etc. You need to protect yourself and children. Good luck.

To me that pattern sounds more disruptive for the children. What appears to be happening are the two adults are looking at what’s best for them rather than what will work for the kids.

Whatever you decide, make sure there is an agreement to review it annually as their needs will change as they become older with clubs, activities or even when they want to spend time with their friends. Also make sure there is an allowance for flexibility as when birthday parties or sleepovers become a thing, the last thing the kids need is a “sorry, you can’t do that, you’re at your dad’s that weekend.

It feels like you can’t spend a whole weekend without your kids, but perhaps once you are working, you’ll find it easier to deal with.

I think you are massively over complicating things and putting your needs above the children's because you have the fear of empty weekends. I would suggest EOW as in he collects on a Friday and either returns to you Sunday evening or drops them to school Monday AM. If he's usually out of the house 7-7 then a midweek dinner isn't really going to work unless he flexs his work timings.

School holidays should be split 50/50 so that you can both work but take time off with the kids so there is smaller requirement for holiday clubs.

The other aspect you need to look at is Christmas and birthdays. Again, especially Christmas I would alternate this each year. One gets Christmas week, one gets new years week and vice versa. On your non Christmas years you can have an early Christmas day with them or delayed.

I suspect your husband will be surprised at just how much he might have to give you in an asset division as it sounds like his pension pot will be much bigger than yours.

I highly advise checking out what maintenance would be due even if you do 50 50. You just use the government calculator and do it once for each of your incomes. It takes minutes if you know his roughly. I didn't want to do 50 50 either as I'd miss my kids (I do) and it leaves me worse off financially. But in my case it was clearly the best for the children as they'd had an actively partipating dad up until that point so I saw no justification for changing that.

I'm wondering what these exciting weekend nights are that pp are mentioning?! mine are shattered and just want screens on a Friday, and we've got all Saturday to do exciting stuff even if they weren't staying over! Or maybe we're just boring... It perhaps helps that thus fary dc don't seem to get the hundreds of party invites that others do, but we're amicable enough to be flexible if that happens. We live 5mins drive from each other.

Dads can come up against this.

@BillMasen it's an unfortunate fallout of the situation op and many women find themselves in having taken a drop in income to raise children whilst the husband sees his career flourish. It would be helped by men realising that they need to contribute what is needed for the mother to provide a stable home. Men earning above average salaries should not be falling back on CMS set payments - which were set at a low level to avoid government having to enforce.

We got away from linking time with each parent to financials by having 16 years of spousal maintenance. I don't see many men offering that up.

I currently do weds pm- either sat or sun lunch time with me, sat or sun lunch -weds am with ex.

However he never takes her to school and instead drops her with my parents and I meet her there to get her ready for school. My parents then collect her from school and he picks her up from there.

Pros- I rarely go more than a couple of days without seeing her. I always get the relaxed fri night sat morning.

She knows where she is as apart from the weekends her days here/there are the same.

He is basically crap, doesn’t get her clean/tidy and ready for school so I can sort that out. This could also be a con!

Cons- we never get a solid weekend either with or without her, things are bitty.

I am considering moving to eow, but I think she would find it hard and our Saturday mornings are lovely, I’d hate to lose them.

Most people seem to do eow, I think on balance it probably is better, especially as they get older. Mine was 4 when we started this, 7 now.

It depends on where you will both live, your work, how close to the kids school you both are. You should be aiming to live nearby so that the kids get to stay in the same space. And by not 50:50, he is as much the parent as you.

Why not just do either

a) one week with one, one week with another - it's clear on the calendar, the kids get a decent amount of time with both, parents can plan social life and meetings etc on the childfree weeks - both will need to adjust their work start/stops accordingly and if this can't happen on some days, will need to pay for after/before school care

b) a 2: 2 : 3 system Monday/Tuesday Mum, Wednesday/Thursday dad, weekend Mum and repeat (next weekend is Dad) - it works really well for parents to be free to socialise/hobby/sports the same day every week, and kids know that they are picked up from/taken to rungy etc by the same parent each week - rather than having a parent who forgets

child-maintenance.dwp.gov.uk/calculate/details/will-you-be-paying-or-receiving-child-maintenance-payments
Do yourself as both paying and receiving it.

Week 1: Wed/Thurs from school to Sat am
Week 2: Thurs from school to Sun am.

You will both need to be flexible though until a happy routine becomes established....kids are v young

Maybe his thinking atm is if you are SAHM you have lots of time with them that he does not. What is the timeline for you to start work /find a job? I def would be insisting on w/e time for myself when the job outside the home lands...as the dynamic will likely shift in terms of you being then under pressure timewise during week & maybe less time for relaxing eves with kids. If you can't settle it by splitting each week...what about he gets a full w/e every second w/e....Thurs - Mon with some flexible arrangement one of the other eves.