AIBU for not wanting every other weekend childcare with my (soon to be) ex-DH.

[Bobsmyaunty]

My DH and I are in the process of mediation.

I am a SAHM (seeking work!) and he is a high-earner and commutes.

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night and I have them sat night until school drop off thurs. That way we each get a weekend night and a weekend day. Also allows me to work part time and him to carry on with his job.

He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I feel that just requires me to give up my weekend night every other week, without him giving up any weekend in return.

AIBU? I really need to know!

@Tinydinosaur

I suggested he has the kids thurs - sat night He has suggested he has then thurs night - sun morning one weekend, then thurs night to sat night the following.

I don't get it, sounds like he's offering more than you're asking?

More time on weekends. Disney dad. Leaves OP with the bulk of the work.

For the first year op I had weekdays with children and they were with their dads at weekends. I know that goes against the grain!!

But I was a sahm parent and saw them lots and it was the closest to maintaining the status quo during a difficult time. Yes it sounds Disney dad but I am very sure he missed them a lot.

By the end of that year he changed work hours which would have seemed impossible initially and I was more ready for work.

Honestly, going straight back to work on top of new home etc felt impossible. I needed time to adjust too.

I'm probably echoing what everyone else has said but eow works better for everyone. As painful as it is at the start. I felt like you. But pushed for ex to do whole weekend Friday after work to Sunday tea time. I started volunteering to fill my time and made arrangements with friends. It was hard at first but you do adjust.

The children need consistent routine. To feel settled and secure. A d you need your downtime too.

We have recently had some chopping and changing due to ex's work. And the children have not liked it at all.

Eow allows you to plan your time both with the children and your free time. You will both want room to spend time with friends and date in the future.

@Bobsmyaunty

Wow, this is so interesting.

I’m heading the advice from posters who have said not to prioritise his career over mine, because you are right - I am subconsciously doing that out of habit. Plus because I don’t yet have a career to know what time and space it needs.

I’ve also asked to spend an hour with a Family Lawyer to get sorted before mediation begins.

I still feel a bit torn around childcare arrangements. The EOW fri - sun (or mon) and one week night means I have a lot of school pick ups to do and only one guaranteed day where I can work straight through. My littlest will leave infant school in a year and / half and then her pick up time is 4pm so that will be way more manageable, but right now, the idea I could work two long days for definite all through the year felt good.

But as a poster said, if he has thurs/fri he will always get the exciting weekend night. And will my kids want to leave their family home on a sat morning when they’ve only just got there?

But if we split week nights (say me mom / tues and him wed/thurs) and then do EOW that’s very 50/50 and I’ll get no child maintenance and less time with my kids.

This is very, very difficult!

I feel like you need to sit down and think about what you really want OP.

You can't be annoyed that you'll have to do more of the school runs but then also not want him to have them more because you'll get less CM from him.

If you want the kids with you more then realistically you will be doing the majority of school runs.

I think, given that you want to get back to work more, in your shoes I'd be looking at them going to him 2 evenings a week (including school pick ups/whatever arrangements he makes) and the whole of every other weekend.

I get that your anxious about them having to go to clubs etc because he can't manage the pick ups, but genuinely I don't know what else the arrangement could be if you do want him to take on some weekdays? Either he does that and therefore you get less money from him, or you do it even though it affects your earning potential.

@Bibidy - thank you.

And thank you to everyone else on this thread, you have very kindly showed me the options and the risks and made me feel a whole lot better about EOW.

I'm very grateful to all of you.

My son is 14 and lives 50/50.

We’ve done 7 days each then swapped, we’ve done, what you’ve suggested and halved the weekends and now we have alternative weekends and 2 nights each in the week. So I have him sun-wed, then he stays at dads til Friday. Weekends we swap. It works so well. It’s been 12+ years of shared time and we are generally v flexible with him now he’s older

@RunningLondon I wonder if you mind a direct question, or any others with older children? Do you at some point let children choose where to be or generally stick to a routine?

@duffyflucks We have a loose routine as explained in my previous post, but are flexible in that if he wants to do something at the weekend he can stay at dads or whatever. We used to be completely rigid about it and it just caused arguments. Now he kind of comes and goes as he pleases. His dad only lives 3 miles from me though and I drive past his house to go to work. School transport collects him from wherever he is and we have a Bluetooth lock on the door so he can let himself in with his phone.

Another advantage of Friday to Monday is she arrives in school uniform. He can wash it and she goes back to school in it on Monday. It sounds like a daft reason but trust me on this one.

My ExH has EOW only, no weeknight contact (his choice it's what he asked for in court) and only 1 night at that so 1 night every 14 days.

Both me and DD hate it. She wants to see him more, I'd rather he had 1 night in the week and EOW, so 3 or 4 in 14 but he won't have her.

I also have to use all my leave to cover childcare as he refused any extra in the holidays as well.

I think 5 or 6 nights in 14 would suit most children with some of that in the week, so I'd do either

Week 1: Tuesday after school until Thursday drop at school
Week 2: Tuesday after school until Thursday drop at school, Saturday am until Monday drop at school

or

Week 1: Tuesday after school until Wednesday drop at school, Thursday after school to Sunday pm
Week 2: Tuesday after school until Wednesday drop at school

Thanks RunningLondon, I should really have asked how you work the flexibility as you had said it was a loose routine. I suppose I was thinking once DC have their own keys do they come and go as they please, but I can see that being chaotic, although the freedom is nice. Useful to hear how others manage.

@Bobsmyaunty

It's hard to explain, that yes, but over the last 10 years you have risen to the absolute top of your profession and I have sunk to the bottom. It's not an equal position

Just say that.

Honestly, the first thing you need is a shit hit lawyer, not just an assigned 'family lawyer'.

You may not care that much about the financial stuff right now, because you're worrying about the kids, BUT your financial settlement will affect them and your relationship with them hugely.

You're married, it's not his inheritance, it's family money.

You need to stop limiting your freedoms to enable his career/choices and him pulling his weight.

Trust me, he's saying spousal maintenance until you are standing on your own two feet, but his idea of 'sorted' might not be yours.

He needs to be doing his share of childcare - not just fun days.

There are so many ways to split days/finances/responsibilities and it depends so much on the incomes & the children BUT you have to be careful not to end up allowing him to essentially carry in climbing the ladder & earning more & more money while you are doing the graft of having kids & being unable to progress in a career.

There are a lot of school holidays and whilst, right now, you might feel you want the kids as much as possible, in time - when you're working, that'll bite your in the bum. While he has them infrequently, but takes them off on exciting holidays.

@DuffyFlucks tbh I have a job that means I’m generally home by 4.30, and he can let himself in.

The main rule I have is that if he’s with me unexpectedly, he can’t expect the eat the same meal as us as I may not have accounted for it in my meal planning. He couldn’t care one iota 🙄