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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never invited back?

519 replies

Lockdownlumpy · 06/04/2021 23:17

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

OP posts:
Armi · 07/04/2021 07:14

We invite folk here because we like having friends round and have the space and enough bedrooms/bathrooms for people to have a comfortable and relaxing stay. Plus I can get really drunk, stay up late and not have to think about getting home/getting up to go home the next day.

MsTSwift · 07/04/2021 07:16

Do they think we should be grateful for their esteemed company and that is repayment enough?! Don’t they feel bad? As you sally forth to the third unreciprocated meal at a friends house doesn’t part of you think “hand on a minute”. Raised by wolves.

Cocogreen · 07/04/2021 07:18

I've only ever met one couple who never invited anyone back to their perfectly nice home but went everywhere when asked.
In the group we were were in it was very obvious they never took a turn in hosting.
Some people on this thread seem bizarre to me. Not wanting friends, actual friends, inside their home because it's "private"? Aren't they people you like and want to spend time with? How hard is it to make tea or coffee, buy or make a cake and open a packet of biscuits or put out some cheese and biscuits and a bottle of wine? You don't have to have people there for 7 hours for a four course dinner. I'm just floored by the knots people work themselves into about something which is not very hard?

Sova · 07/04/2021 07:20

Oh and when I arranged a pot luck meal thinking it would be more fait some people didn't bring anything still and some people didn't show up so there was hardly any food. And the food that was there was unsuitable for some of the guests eg for someone who has nut allergy or is vegan. Some of the excuses I get: I had mice in the house recently ( we are meeting in gardens atm anyway), I am waiting when my house is done ( there is nothing wrong with house), or I don't want to cook for 7 people ( but it's ok for me to do it) or just bluntly no excuse but still very happy to come to mine.

MrsExpo · 07/04/2021 07:20

I hate hosting and always prefer to meet friends on neutral ground like a restaurant etc. My house is presentable and tidy, but it feels intrusive and uncomfortable when people are visiting. Maybe your friends feel the same.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/04/2021 07:21

If I accept invitations to a friend’s house but for some reason I can’t invite them to mine, I invite them out and I pay the whole bill. Simple. I don’t want to get a reputation as a cheapskate.

BigPaperBag · 07/04/2021 07:22

We’ve got friends like this who always come to ours and drink a shedload and eat tonnes but have only ever hosted us once. All the other times we’ve been out. Tbh, I’m glad they haven’t invited us over again to eat as the food was minging and I had to force down pork which I loathe. So much happier at ours 😂😂

MsTSwift · 07/04/2021 07:23

Also I think relaxed competent hosting is a good skill to model to your children. My mother did thinking about it and all 3 of us are “hosters” not takers.

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 07:25

Do they think we should be grateful for their esteemed company and that is repayment enough?!

^ this!

Somehow I don't anyone's company is so good and so sparkling that they get a free pass to go to other people's houses, eat their food, drink their wine, enjoy a fine evening at someone else's expense and never feel any inclination to invite anyone back...

FishWithoutABike · 07/04/2021 07:30

I love to host and generally are the ones who have everyone round. I’m a very relaxed host. We don’t fork out a fortune for food and will generally just make a curry or similar. Mostly someone brings a desert and others bring a bottle. I think the odd time the others do host they over do it so I can see why they might find it stressful. Plus we have the most space at ours.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/04/2021 07:31

If I accept invitations to a friend’s house but for some reason I can’t invite them to mine, I invite them out and I pay the whole bill. Simple. I don’t want to get a reputation as a cheapskate.

In case that sounds as if I’m rich, I’m not! But I like finding good cheapish places to eat out. Can’t wait for pubs to reopen.

KathyEdge · 07/04/2021 07:33

I used to adore hosting, but current abode is way to small - 1 person is the limit!
So the friends I like to spend time with and share food with, I suggest a meet up (covid safe) at one of theirs and offer to buy the food and drink. This works very well for us. Feels like the old pot luck suppers from back in the (London) day, and cooking/washing up is also shared.

Shesaysso · 07/04/2021 07:37

I hate hosting but do it to reciprocate- I think it’s really rude when people constantly accept invites but never return them.

KathyEdge · 07/04/2021 07:38

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

If I accept invitations to a friend’s house but for some reason I can’t invite them to mine, I invite them out and I pay the whole bill. Simple. I don’t want to get a reputation as a cheapskate.

In case that sounds as if I’m rich, I’m not! But I like finding good cheapish places to eat out. Can’t wait for pubs to reopen.

Ah yes, I do this as well! Looks flash but it works out in the end. Like some other posters, I don't have a debit /credit ledger for invitations, as I don't care, but I'd hate to be seen as a skinflint!
Quincie · 07/04/2021 07:38

DH and I are not chatty.
We discuss things - politics, new car, what to plant in the garden this year. But we don't chat so I don't like having people round as I'm sure it's boring. We have had people occasionally but I never feel people are that relaxed or enjoying themselves.

We have relatives to stay too long sometimes and that's fine as if they don't like us they can stay away but invites for meals. Not so good.

AWamBamBoom · 07/04/2021 07:40

Yes and unfortunately it broken up the friendship group now.It's going to be horrible when we can all get together again as I know they won't get invited by some people

Ragwort · 07/04/2021 07:43

I find it odd too ... my DH loves hosting a big party each Christmas (thankfully Covid put it a stop to it last year Grin), yet I realised that with the exception of two of my friends, no one ever invited us back ... they all have nice homes, no young DC or elderly parents at home etc. They don't suggest meeting for a restaurant meal or pub drinks either ... I do think it is rude as if we are 'good enough' for them to accept an invitation to a party but they don't really enjoy our company Confused.

MsTSwift · 07/04/2021 07:44

Also don’t buy it’s shyness and anxiety. If you are brass necked enough to accept repeated hospitality and not reciprocate you sure ain’t shy 😁

shivawn · 07/04/2021 07:45

We would much rather go out then go to someone's house. In my friends groups we would only really meet at peoples houses if people were saving money and we were all trying to have a cheap night.

5zeds · 07/04/2021 07:49

I think it’s horrible to go to someone else’s house and accept their hospitality and never have them back to your own. My house is the default “meet up” for both my friends and family. It upsets me that they don’t reciprocate in so many ways and makes me feel very used.

Flossingisforteeth · 07/04/2021 07:50

Mixed feelings on this, DH is completely 'houseblind' so will invite anybody in, whenever, and whatever (pre-covid, obviously) House is clean and generally neat and tidy so I don't tend to mind, however it is significantly smaller and less technologically equipped than most of the DC's friends, also has a couple of substantial but superficial repairs needed which DC's mates are now at an age which they notice and DC are consequently embarrassed by Sad so we tend to meet up out out

littlepieces · 07/04/2021 07:51

They probably just don't like hosting. Wouldn't take it personally but I guess it's a bit rubbish if you're always providing food, drinks etc.

One of my best friends of 25 years has invited me to her house twice in the 12 years she's lived there... once only because I'd asked her to sign my passport photo! She always comes to mine or we meet somewhere else. The other time she asked me over to hers for a coffee... but she had no tea or coffee or any food in the house! (She doesn't have money issues, had a senior teaching job at the time, and her and her husband had recently been on a big holiday). I'd picked up a cake on the way there, and we had my cake and...water... Grin Some people just aren't natural hosts!

OverTheRubicon · 07/04/2021 07:52

@MsTSwift

Also don’t buy it’s shyness and anxiety. If you are brass necked enough to accept repeated hospitality and not reciprocate you sure ain’t shy 😁
I think that anxiety makes plenty of people unbelievably self-centred. My ex is like this - truly very anxious, but because of this, so focussed on his own worries that he wouldn't want people at ours. Eventually people stopped asking and I stopped accepting invitations. Even though you don't get as many invitations to dinner as a single parent, I still see a lot more people now.

When I see all the many posts on MN by people who have 'crippling anxiety' and in many cases therefore wanting a lot of special handling, I feel sympathy for them as it's awful, but also wonder the impact on their families.

Confusedandshaken · 07/04/2021 07:52

I have friends like this. One couple we have known nearly 35 years. I've lost count of the number of times they've been to events and dinners at our house, we've been to two parties and one dinner party at theirs.

Another woman I've been friends with as part of a group of about 12 for over 20 years. As a group, pre lock-down, we met up socially in someone's house an average of twice a month. Not always big dos, not always the same group, sometimes it's just half a dozen mates sharing a potluck meal and watching a movie, sometimes proper dinner parties or birthday parties with everyone there and partners included, sometimes sitting in the garden drinking wine. We occasionally go away for theatre trips or weekends. It is a group with a wide age range and we are growing old together (the youngest is 52 the oldest is 79) and is a huge support and comfort. It also has a huge income range. One woman lives in a HA flat after a tricky divorce, someone else is retired on a massive pension and owns several houses with most of us somewhere between the two extremes.

One of the women has never, ever even hosted a cup of coffee. She is a big personality, a great organiser, a brilliant cook, always at the centre of any plan, generous to a fault with gifts, time and care but not one of us has ever been closer to her house than picking her up or dropping her off.

Do I think it's a little odd that she doesn't invite people over? TBH, given her personality I do find it odd. She likes to be in charge and that would surely be easier in her own home. But it really doesn't matter. In every group of friends there will be natural hosts and natural guests and experience has shown she is one of the guests. I still value her as a friend and appreciate her other qualities and clearly other people do too as she keeps getting invited back.

harknesswitch · 07/04/2021 07:53

Some people just hate hosting and others are natural at it.

I hate it, my house is too small and I always feel very awkward. Luckily my best friend loves it and has a huge house with loads of spare bedrooms, so we always go to her.