Never invited back?

[Lockdownlumpy]

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

Flaking is well annoying! But kids of supports my point that there's effort involved in being a considerate guest too. But again it's all about nuance. I did broach flakiness with one friend and to be fair she's improved massively, but to the point where she seems almost paranoid and martyrish about broaching the question of rearranging a casual suggestion. I'm not an ogre! Things crop up, I get that. Just make sure your friend isn't always bottom of your priority list and their time and plans afforded zero weight in the balance of life is all really. None of this has to be difficult.

@MsTSwift

I think it’s hitting 45. Tolerance plummets. Life’s too fucking short! And there are plenty of lovely people who are neither flakes nor free loaders!

Totally agreed. No patience with this type of thing anymore. Social circle has shrunk but infinitely better quality. I had fairly straight words with a close friend about a number of issues, lateness, flakiness, turning up to meet me with a huge bloody entourage of randoms, etc etc. She vastly improved. If someone's a good enough friend you can be straight with them.

I would love to understand the people who accept invitations (seemingly happily) but never offer a return invitation - or an alternative such as meeting for a coffee/pub meal or similar. I do find it hard when people are happy to come to our home and accept our hospitality- which is very informal, not dinner parties etc but never suggest meeting up - .

It's really not that difficult to have people over for something, even if it's just coffee and a shop-bought cake.

I think it’s worth all of us considering if we actively engage with our friends or family. 2 good Qs to ask ourselves occasionally are;

• when did I last initiate contact - ie initiate with a text or WhatsApp or phone call or email?
• when did I last initiate getting together - could be at a house or cafe or park or for a walk or whatever.

If the answer is you always respond but never initiate anything, consider what that’s like and might feel like for the other person. Even the more pro-active like to feel they are actually liked and their friendship sought after rather than tolerated.

I had a couple of friends who I realised responded to my contact and invites but never initiated anything. I lightheartedly mentioned at the end of a call or meet-up, that I’d wait to hear from them for next time. One of them, I’ve never heard from again about 3 years later. That had been a friend for over 20 years, but the lack of effort on their part for a good 10 years before I said anything and the 3 years since makes me conclude they just weren’t and aren’t bothered about seeing us to the point they will make any effort. A shame, but one of those things.

I like seeing people and am happy to make more than half the effort...often way more. But these days, with new friends who don’t reciprocate contact or meeting up, I won’t pursue them for long if they aren’t bothered. Older friends I am loathe to let go of and value highly for all our history and the fact I just know we have great times together, but even those need both parties to make an effort of some sort. I cut people slack and know people have hard time’s etc.....but not a single initiated text in 6 years.....or every dinfle meeting up being initiated by me over 5 years....I need to stop sometime.

So do just consider your friendships and think if there’s someone perhaps you should initiate a quick hello to or be thinking about suggesting a walk with, if it’s always them who contacts you. You might make their day.

A close relative moved to the same city as me. Invited her over a number of times. She tended to bring v little and it was never reciprocated. Finally it was said that she and her husband were embarrassed to ask as “Dexy’s an amazing cook so we can’t compete”. (I’m not, it’s not a competition, and a frozen pizza would have been lovely.) The relationship was redefined after that so we only see them at restaurants. Many other stories about them but will leave it for now.

I cant cook or entertain for my life so i always suggest meeting up outside. Would you like coming over for crisps and tiptoe over thr kids mess? If so you are very welcome. I find that with many people hosting is a very judgemental, come dine with me affair. I don't enjoy prepping and cleaning up after and worrying about everything. It's not about the cost. We meet friends in pubs and restaurants and parks where it's fair and relaxing for all. Whats wrong wit that?

Yes I’ve got friends like this. They’ve been to ours lots but never invited us to them.

Red - of course there is nothing wrong with meeting friends in a pub/restaurant/park ... but this thread is about accepting invitations to people's homes and enjoying their hospitality yet never inviting them back ... do you do that?

Taking a broad view of friendship and reciprocation seems a good idea. The more narrowly we define it, the more people will struggle to maintain friendships.

I love to be invited back to peoples homes. Of course I love a fancy meal or a big party, but I really enjoy going for a morning coffee too. And I like it when someone invites me to meet them and their kids in a park for a picnic or for a birthday meal in a restaurant etc.

To be honest, I’m pleased whenever I get a text or whattsapp or invitation to anything. It shows people are thinking of me and want to see me. To me, that’s the most important thing and if they are doing that, I do think the friendship will continue. It doesn’t have to be an invitation to their house, although that is nice. It’s those who never initiate anything of any sort, where you really wonder if they are bothered about seeing you at all. That’s where the friendship dies. But if someone makes contact and they arrange something of any type, I think that’s effort being put in and I will be satisfied with that.

These things often evolve too to reflect the ways people show friendship and that’s fine...it doesn’t have to remain the same forever. Some friendships started with us having them over for a meal and they never invited us back for a meal. However, they did invite us to go to an open air theatre thing and for a picnic. And other people who came to us for several meals invited us to a pub for dinner and paid for it. Now we tend to go to pubs more and that’s just how it’s evolved....it works in that friendship like that. Other friends from my NCT group rarely go to each other’s houses now but to cafe just for an hour or so. I often organise it and it’s lovely when someone else takes the initiative and sets the ball rolling.

Most people like to get some invitations as well as issuing them I think. We all like to feel wanted.

Was this being discussed on Loose women today? 🤣was sorting my toddlers lunch but could hear a discussion the same as this

@Thatsminging probably, it’s already been in DM

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-9444569/Woman-says-shes-friends-house-10-YEARS.html

I hate having people in my house, happily meet up out somewhere or go to someone else's house. My friends know how anxious I am about it, and we just make other arrangements

@FizzyPink

Oh no I’d actually love to be in that position. I love hosting people. I get to choose what we eat and drink. I know the house/toilet is going to be spotless. And best of all, I get to go straight to sleep after they’ve left and not fork out for a taxi home or not drink so I can drive.

Totally agree.......

Guys, do you ever fell a bit let down by friends. Do you do all the hosting, texting, inviting to holiday homes (sadly a rental, not mine!), organising walks. Etc. But usually get no response or a late ‘no’. And when you host dinner for decades most never take a turn. I enjoy having people over but it’s very taxing to do it all the time. A tally is not being taken but I fell like just stepping back. As I am a socialable being this will be tough.

I’m also chief organiser for my family and host all family events. The final straw came when my best friend of 20 years for the second time would not invite my husband with me to her wedding. I did not want to go alone as she was marrying into an American family and they were all coming to Ireland. So there was no room for husband. This was the second time this happened (she’s on her third!). My poor husband had hosted her and her friends countless times for dinner. He did odd jobs for her and was a real friend. She lived with me for a few years and I did all the cleaning and washing. (She was between marriages) Is it time for me to sit back and go silent?

I have friends like this. One particular. Take take take for years. Rarely invited back. I am resentful because she was a very long time friend that had helped out and it was an enjoyable sociable event for both familes.. Partly due to everyone contributing. One day she just sat on her arse whilst I rushed around after everyone. I drew the line when she told me “her sister thinks” when you go to someone’s for a meal you should just sit and be waited on. Not expect to lift a finger. I didn’t think anything of it until I realised she was gave me her message. From that day on whenever her family came to me, she sat on her arse like she was in restaurant. Large familes of more than 12 people and she decided it was relax in the free restaurant.

Time to call a halt to the friendship! Nofruitta