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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never invited back?

519 replies

Lockdownlumpy · 06/04/2021 23:17

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lockdownlumpy · 07/04/2021 00:02

I should perhaps say that when we host it isn't always lavish meals, sometimes it's just cake and coffee. Our house is by no means a standard to live up to either, we keep a clean kitchen but there is lego scattered liberally everywhere else.

OP posts:
midlifesomething · 07/04/2021 00:03

I’m not keen on hosting but would always take my turn and put 100% effort into it. Much prefer being the guest, just not confident hosting

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/04/2021 00:04

I prefer being the guest as well, but I wouldn't be one with no intention of reciprocating.

Original poster
Lockdownlumpy · 07/04/2021 00:08

I don't at all expect to be invited for a meal, even a return invite for coffee would be nice.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 07/04/2021 00:09

Perhaps, for some people, if they have to go to the expense of getting a sitter, they would prefer to go 'out out' than sit in a house. That's not the point though is it - the real issue is that not returning the courtesy is rude.

When you say 'some couple friends', do you mean just one couple or a few couples?

Nogardenersworld · 07/04/2021 00:15

Weird that people think you ‘owe’ them hospitality in return

I don’t like people in my house, I’ll always suggest going out, if they suggest their house instead that’s their choice, and I’d never turn up empty handed and I always pitch in with cleaning, often if we stay in I’ll suggest takeaway instead so they’re not paying or going to effort of cooking

I don’t see how it would be rude to accept their invitation
Surely it would be more rude to refuse to go to their house if they keep suggesting it

I’m really surprised people think it’s rude to accept someone’s invitation!

Original poster
Lockdownlumpy · 07/04/2021 00:16

One other couple - but we both have kids now so it's almost always lunch or afternoon tea with their two children and ours too so no one is paying for sitters.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 07/04/2021 00:17

Weird that people think you ‘owe’ them hospitality in return
It's not remotely weird for anyone with any social graces at all.

gutful · 07/04/2021 00:19

I don't like entertaining & am very private with who will let into my home as live alone, so it's my sanctuary.

Having said that, feel having friends who are at least always making the effort to come & see you is better than friends who won't make time to visit you & expect you to always come to theirs.

So it sounds like it may not be a personal thing! Why not ask them if they're friends?

Original poster
Lockdownlumpy · 07/04/2021 00:19

When I say afternoon tea I am not talking the ritz btw. I mean a cup of tea in the afternoon with a wedge of cake on the side.

OP posts:
ThereOnceWasANote · 07/04/2021 00:20

I had the same thing a few years ago - I realised that the invites were always one way, she knew all my friends but I'd never met any of hers. I've stopped the invites and now we just meet up in restaurants once or twice s year.

My friend would turn up, drink the wine, eat the food, enjoy the night but never invest the time or pick up the cost of a return invite- the word 'user' springs to mind.

sarahfic · 07/04/2021 00:21

I don't particularly like hosting either. My house is the smallest out of our friends, and the messiest too. I'm not a cook or in the least bit domesticated. But I do my stint. Hosting is expensive and it's selfish to expect others to always do that for you. So no matter how much I'd rather not, I host when it's my turn. I definitely see less of some friends who never reciprocated he invite too.

Nogardenersworld · 07/04/2021 00:24

No need to be rude now @GreyhoundG1rl
I don’t wanna go to their house much more than I want them to come to my house

I was just genuinely shocked as it’s not something I’ve thought about before, when I do host, not only do I not expect it in return but I do not want it.

If I am suggesting and requesting other places, and I am paying, cleaning, not expecting them to cook, then I’m not clear how that indicates a lack of social graces

But that’s ok we can agree to disagree
We just have different opinions, I won’t judge you’re entire character based on yours

Longdistance · 07/04/2021 00:26

When we lived in Oz we were friends with a family who we always invited. They rarely invited us, but when they came they turned up empty handed.
We now have friends that live locally to us, even though we have the larger house, we get invited or end up at theirs. We arrive with loads of booze and food. It’s just one of things.
When my parents had friends we used to swap houses each week.

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/04/2021 00:34

Even if you like hosting , it's nice sometimes to just be able to leave and go back to your house as you left it. Not having to clear up after kids play , crockery etc at end of afternoon/night. Totally ok to just say come for a drink and pizza or something. It's not about feeling owed just a lovely friendly thing.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/04/2021 00:36

I get very anxious hosting. I'm fine with family but a lot of my friends are great cooks/ hosts so l get so stressed. They are all foodies and all the talk is about the food/ wine etc and l hate it.
Also dh is equally as bad so l end up doing it on my own. I have a lovely home but although l am confident in most areas l have a severe lack of confidence in entertaining. I am happy if no one invites me or happy to go to a restaurant. A few friends are always inviting us. We always bring lots and l regularly meet the women half of the couples for lunch/ coffee where l pay. I remember their birthdays, follow their kids lives am there in crisis times but find it difficult to cook for them. It's like a total block. It lies heavy on me at times but my friends sort of know it's an issue for me so they never hold it against me. My dd is older now and loves entertaining so has helped me on a few occasions which has been great.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 07/04/2021 00:36

I hate hosting, for the many reasons given above. I don't know if I'm unlucky, but I always seem to have people over as guests who just don't know when to leave. The last three lots of people I've had over have been overstayers to the point of ridiculousness, where 'popping round for a cup of tea' at five has meant they've left at nearly one in the morning on a school night having drunk my house dry.

Sorry OP, I needed to get that off my chest Grin

GoldSlipper · 07/04/2021 00:38

@Constance11 my friends know the deal. I don’t attempt to hide my personality nor am I a “taker”.

I do my share by paying for meals out or taking food to their house.

Cokecake · 07/04/2021 00:38

I mean if you enjoy hosting then why not continue. As long as they bring a gift, flowers or something. Unless you don’t like having to spend money on time on them when they don’t reciprocate. Perhaps going out for dinner and then paying would be a good compromise?

Cameleongirl · 07/04/2021 00:38

I think if you’re not planning to return invitations it’s polite to at least show up with a gift. If I regularly went to someone’s house for tea and cake, I’d definitely offer to bring the cake sometimes. If they don’t bring anything ever that’s rude.

SavannahLands · 07/04/2021 00:40

My Mother used to have an old saying of ‘The fools make the Feast and the Wisemen come to eat it’! It’s hardly fair if you are expected to play the Host without enjoying a night with those that you have Fed, Watered, and Entertained playing host in return. If someone is not in the position to do this at home due to the trope of living arrangements they have, then they should arrange to host and pick up the tab for a night out in a local venue.

I’m afraid that l had to put a stop to a similar situation that l once found myself in regarding an Elderly Aunt and Uncle, my Mother would invite them over, often without asking me first, but expected me to play host to the Six of us in my own home. These people were very fussy eaters, prefared their food from M&S, and plainly and quite rudely made their feelings known at the table if they were served otherwise.
We were a young family with a big mortgage at the time, and just could not afford to do this, we never got invited back in return, but my parents did. So one day l lost my temper when l knew that they were having a gathering, and turned up at their home uninvited, they were not very pleased, but it had to be done. It had got to the point that we would have to do some very careful meal planning for the week to be able to feed ourselves, money was tight, the Car need fixing, DH was having to take a basic packed lunch to work rather than spending money in the company dinning room. We were going without ourselves to try and please others, and it had to stop.
My mother was livid with me and said that it was rude for us to have turned up like we did, to which l gave her a reply of her old saying, and simply said that we were not prepared to play the fools anymore, and this situation had got to stop!

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/04/2021 00:42

Definitely for the cuppa and cake they could bring the cake.
When kids were small if was always at yours , I always appreciated people helping to tidy up whatever chaos the kids had created (not always but if was regular) some kids go nuts in other kids toys tipping everything out.

PurpleOkapi · 07/04/2021 00:46

Are reciprocal invites really necessary? If you invite me to your house, I'm going to think it's because you want me to go to your house, not because you want to come to mine. If no one had ever tried to explain it to me, it would never occur to me that those two things were in any way connected.

ChronicallyCurious · 07/04/2021 00:50

I hate having people over to my house and never invite people in. I don’t really like going to other people’s homes either. I prefer meeting people out and often suggest this when friends suggest meeting however I know that this can be expensive so often we just end up at friends when they invite us over.

Cokecake · 07/04/2021 00:51

*them paying