Never invited back?

[Lockdownlumpy]

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

@junebirthdaygirl

I wrote already about how stressful l find hosting. Just a few things: l am not shy. I can talk to anyone. Say at a wedding if l am put beside complete strangers l will soon be chatting away and am recognised as being very good at this. Same with new staff at work etc. I never had problems with playdates. The more the merrier. Always had loads of kids at birthday parties and always at home. I am a teacher so used to lots of kids. Always had parents in for coffee when collecting etc. Loved having teens friends around. Staying over, full house, college friends , meals ..the lot. But my own friends are totally into food/ cooking and l am totally overwhelmed by it all. I would be very happy never to go to their houses ever again so l don't feel bad about having such a block about having them over. They all comment on all the food, wine etc nonstop and it makes me so anxious. A big part is my dh , although completely able to do his share at all other times, is absolutely useless with guests so it even makes me more stressed. Actually l am realising lately that it all stems from a particular family years ago who stayed for a few days. She made so many comments on my cooking even saying once..l think this dish is overdone by people as a dinner option. I completely lost my confidence with foodies and cannot do it since. Reading some comments here really hits home but at this stage it's like having a fear of water..totally irrational but taking over.

Can you order in? I sometimes struggle to get everything ready in time between work and kids, so I often order in some fancy pizzas from a local wood oven place, ask guests to bring a bottle of wine and then make sure I have nice ice-cream and cones and toppings for pudding, plus a few strawberries or grapes for the healthy ones - sometimes I cook pudding myself in advance but often we don't want any after pizza and honestly think people tend to quite enjoy making their own.

Ds’s friends parents hosted us a few times but wouldn’t come to our house because of our (lovely!) dog. So we picked up the bill for a dinner out. Obviously this couldn’t happen often but it strikes me as extremely rude to continue to accept hospitality with no reciprocating of any sort. Ime non-reciprocators are often the ones who turn up empty-handed, too....

I am a bit awkward about hosting. I’m not a great cook and one glass of wine goes to my head so I’m dithering around burning stuff and getting in a panic before anyone’s sat down.

Also open plan kitchen/dining area is not your friend, in spite of what property programmes dictate. People can see you sweating and swearing and picking stuff up off the floor and poking things to see if they’re cooked.

That could be me...in my case it's that I feel embarrassed about my house, even though I'm a good cook. We have one friend who just loves being the host but I always make sure I cook something to take, along with plenty of drink, and always clear up too.

@gingerbiscuit19

I'm this person. My friends have much nicer houses than me so I don't invite them back as I'm embarrassed mainly.

I’m on the other side of this - we are the ones with the big house and gave friends who always come to us. But it’s so nice to be invited back and have a meal at someone else’s house: for a start, I don’t have to cook it! I don’t have to clear it up, or clear up after the kids. It’s a change of scene. It’s nice to be the person offered a drink rather than pouring one. Etc, etc. I won’t judge your house, I’ll just enjoy your company and being the guest for once.

‘They say they are happy to come to ours’

Oh, I’ll bet they are then you have to pay for everything and clean up. What users. I hate people like this. There were people that used to do this to me - they always wanted to come to my house with their child but never invited me back. So rude. I just stopped doing it.

I have a friend who does this. I've stopped inviting her to stuff at my house as she never reciprocates. I quite like hosting but I would enjoy the favour being returned once in a while. She generally turns up empty handed, and once brought a half drunk, fairly flat bottle of Prosecco.

The last couple of times she has pulled out at the last minute with a shitty excuse as well - including this week, after I had booked and paid for an event, on a day/ time specified by her as suiting her best!

I would love to know why she thinks this is OK but am too much of a wimp to ask.

I would stop inviting them entirely.

I wouldn't notice if someone comes more than they invite, but NEVER hosting is just rude.

I have a couple of friends who don't host (one because she HATES cooking and spending any time in her kitchen ever), BUT they insist on taking us to a nice restaurant from time to time and go to great length to pay the bill.

It's not friendship when you don't share and when there's no back and forth.

Some people are entitled and only happy to take without any effort in return, which just means they are not your friends. They are CF and you are better off without them.

My neighbour was very keen to get us into the whole reciprocal dinner party thing. I'm really not into that. I hate entertaining, and do so as little as possible. The never ending visits of the in-laws (thank goodness for social distancing) are quite enough. She got the hint and stopped inviting us, which was a relief. It's nothing personal, but it is a bit presumptuous to assume that just because you like entertaining someone else has to reciprocate.

To the PP who suggested you shouldn't accept if you don't wish to reciprocate, that's easier said than done. People can be quite pushy and determined, especially if they have planned their table to have a certain number of couples, and need you to balance up the numbers. I'd much rather not accept but sometimes get bullied into it.

I love hosting and cooking for friends but I seldom do it because we don't get invited back . There are a group of 6 "old girls" I was at achool with and we generally meet up at each others houses fo rlunch in the summer. 3 of us are enthusiastic hosts, ome reluctant but takes her turn, the other two never offer.

I don't think who hosts is important as long as there is general reciprocity- we often go to a friend with a larger house but always come with armfuls of wine, nibbles and a pudding (and would not dream if taking any booze left home with us, which is the absolute height of rudeness imo)

To the PP who suggested you shouldn't accept if you don't wish to reciprocate, that's easier said than done.

it really is not. If you feel that strongly, make up an excuse and decline.

It's much ruder to accept and never reciprocate. It's not a summon.

All things being equal then it’s great to share hosting duties but often they aren’t.

Most big family get togethers are at my house as we are in the middle.

We always go to my sisters for dinner parties as she has young kids so that way doesn’t need a babysitter. She’s never been to mine for one. I don’t feel obligated to bring anything as it’s a long way and much more convenient for her this way round and I spend loads on her kids.

Uni friend get togethers are more often at one friends house as she is disabled and it’s harder for her to travel but we do try to move around.

Ultimately I don’t keep count but like others I do start to notice if I feel someone is always taking advantage and this isn’t always a sign of it but can be.

It's much ruder to accept and never reciprocate. It's not a summon.

I like hosting, I'd actually be upset if my friends declined invitations all the time just because they didn't want to host in return. I'd assume they didn't want to spend time with me.

perhaps they live in Chaos,
cant have anyone round situation

We had some friends for a BBQ this weekend as DH mentioned we hadn't seen them in ages. They turned up with 6 cheap beers between them and then asked for G&Ts. Thinking back the reason we hadn't seen them in forever is because they never invite us to theirs and never set a date for restaurants - starting to realise it's all a bit onesided.

For all those who hate having people in the house, how do you cope with teens and their mates lounging about, eating you out of house and home etc, music playing, or do you mainly have young kids.

I get a bit anxious with friends coming over as definitely feel pressure when hosting, I’m also paranoid about it being clean, so have to do a massive clean beforehand, that with the shopping and cooking 😩but I do it, but would prefer to meet out 100%

Dh and l always think we must make people feel too welcome cos they never seem to go home.
But l love hosting as pp said l can have a few drinks and not worry about how to get home. Can understand why some people hate it though

This thread sure is flushing out all the usual Mumsnet anti-social recluses!

Such depressing reading.

I am on the love hosting side of things, I love people coming to my house, serving dinner and enjoying their company . I don;'t mind when they don't reciprocate sometimes but really bugs me is people turning up empty handed. My own family did this at xmas two years ago, arrived early, sat down the whole time, never offered to help nor did they bring even a bottle of wine. Never again. The day after we hosted his side of the family, his mother brought nice tea towels and bread, his aunt came with a huge bunch of flowers and two bottles of very nice wine. If I am invited to someone's house even for a cup pf tea, I would always bring something with me even if its only a pack of biscuits. Even if you don't like hosting, there are other things you can do to say thanks

@thebillyotea believe me it is. The number of times I've said no, made an excuse, and then they change the date so that excuse doesn't work. I've even said I'd rather not because it's not my thing, and had the whole 'but you'll love it, pleeeaseee'. It can be very wearing, and I end up saying yes because I've run out of reasons why not other than 'NO, LEAVE ME ALONE' which funnily enough causes huge offence.

It is equally rude to insist people come to whatever event it is, and even more rude to assume that having arm wrestled them into it they have to invite you back. The whole dinner party thing baffles me. All these people on here getting offended that they don't get an invite back? It's a hint. Stop inviting whoever the culprit is. They'll be delighted.

Oh I absolutely HATE having people over at my house, like actually despise it. I am that person who would just spend the entire time washing dishes or putting things in the recycling bin instead of enjoying myself. It's not that I don't want to buy in food or drinks, I just find it so stressful. Your friends may be the same so try not to take it too personally.

Who knew how many people hate hosting! We love having people over whilst the kids are young as it’s just easier & generally take it in turns with friends... but we do mix it in with pub lunches etc (when we were allowed!)

It isn't good enough to say 'I don't like hosting. Insert reason.'
Take your bloomin turn. Or, do like others on this thread do and pay for the hosters when you go out.

It's a bit like saying 'I don't like cleaning the toilet. So I let my friends do it all the time. Oh, and they need to pay for the pleasure too.'

I much prefer going to other people's houses. Do what I want all day, rock up and sit on my fat arse eating lovely food. Leave when I want. Of course that's preferable! Which is precisely why I take my turn to host my friends.

@haliborangemrmen

My neighbour was very keen to get us into the whole reciprocal dinner party thing. I'm really not into that. I hate entertaining, and do so as little as possible. The never ending visits of the in-laws (thank goodness for social distancing) are quite enough. She got the hint and stopped inviting us, which was a relief. It's nothing personal, but it is a bit presumptuous to assume that just because you like entertaining someone else has to reciprocate.

To the PP who suggested you shouldn't accept if you don't wish to reciprocate, that's easier said than done. People can be quite pushy and determined, especially if they have planned their table to have a certain number of couples, and need you to balance up the numbers. I'd much rather not accept but sometimes get bullied into it.

This is all very true. For example I politely declined an invitation (although it wasn't a dinner party, it was a hen do for a distant family member's partner) and been told "you ARE coming". I put my foot down on this occasion and said I wasn't going although it was cancelled anyway because of Covid. I have another friend who just can't accept that things are different now I have a child and constantly harasses me to go out. If I say we can't cause of childcare he tries to invite himself and his girlfriend over. I'm afraid I am one of those antisocial recluses a PP mentioned! I'm happy this way, the only thing that makes me unhappy is constantly having to fend people off. I genuinely have no idea why people even want to be friends with me when I just want to be alone!