Never invited back?

[Lockdownlumpy]

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

I just think no one likes being taken for granted. I was on the edge of a very grand set when younger and my work friend used to hang out with a famous and very rich person many will have heard of - he got quite down as he realised he always picked up the tab for “friends”. Yes he could more than afford it but It’s the lack of reciprocity that’s abit depressing. You wonder what they really think about you 🙁

I agree wombat. And I think that's what I mean too. You feel like the friendship is one sided, let it wither and die. There are probably friendships that have done this before they even got going. But that doesn't mean there is something inherently wrong with the person and their world view - they are just different to you and value different things. Accept them for who they are and what they bring to the table or bin them off, but what you shouldn't do is constantly invest emotional energy in the question of why they are not playing by your rules and sit there seething about it. Why should they, ultimately, bend to your view about how things should be? You'd end up in an endless cycle of returning favours just to be polite and still no closer towards genuine friendship. So if you feel bad you're taking advantage, do something about that, and you'll likely reap rewards. If you feel used because an invitation hasn't been returned, adjust your behaviour accordingly, but don't spend your life resenting people for not acting as you expect them to.

It's the bloody tidying op. Some people are embarrassed by normal stuff so not just slatterns. Some people can't be bothered. If you dropped in for coffee my house looks superficially tidy (and it's really nicely decorated) but if I was having a dinner party I would have to
Clean for 3 weeks before hand!! We have people over though as it gets me motivated to clean my windows and look for cobwebs on the ceiling.......

Tidying is such a massive PITA isn't it?! And cleaning as well - all my walls look grubby and the skirting boards dusty and minging. Some friends won't notice. Others definitely will. And kids can be snooty fuckers. So some friends you are happy just to call in whenever, others are more of an ordeal requiring prep and a clear day before. I have a great relationship with my next door neighbours because I am happy for the kids to come here for messy and water play which they hate, and then in the evening I go there and have a nice adult drink in a tidy house!

Yes he could more than afford it but It’s the lack of reciprocity that’s abit depressing.

Yes. My cousin married into a “grand” family (think FTSE CEO rather than major celeb, but pretty well known) and my aunt and uncle got to know the “in laws”. They were surprised but delighted to be invited to a rather grand “bash” (black tie sit down dinner affair) for a notable anniversary. A couple of months later, they rather tentatively asked the couple if they’d like to come to dinner at their house. I think my aunt was slightly surprised that they accepted, to be honest. All went well, with the CEO husband expressing genuine gratitude for the invitation, saying what a lovely evening he’d had. “Oh, but you must be doing hundreds of these after that lovely party you gave”, said my aunt. No - apparently that was the only return invitation they’d had...

@ILikeYouToo

My husband hates entertaining in our house. I would love to do it more and feel really uncomfortable about all the invitations we 'owe'. But the stress of dealing with a grumpy/on edge partner means it's not worth it. Our house is also considerably smaller/more cluttered than many of our friends/family so that doesn't help. It is genuinely something that upsets me though. It's such a fundamental issue to disagree on.

It was realising that dh and I had similar views on entertaining that ws the first clue that he might be a keeper for me. I'd been living with a friend for years who was, quite simply, a cheapskate and a scrooge, so the first time Dh and I entertained together, his joyful enthusiasm as he tossed things into the trolley saying, "ooh, this will be nice - we can always have leftovers" was such a revelation to me!

All this fretting about what people think.....do good friends really judge each other for a cobweb and are we really so insecure as to worry about that?

My in-laws are huge hosts and have a large circle of dear friends who adore going to their house. It is big but in a terrible muddle. They have people over all the time (normally) and there are always papers and stuff all over the place. There is dust and cobwebs and people have to move things to sit on a seat. But they keep coming and having a lovely time because my in laws are good company and make people feel very at ease. Frequently, they are far behind with whatever food will be happening and people have to wait a bit, but the wine flows and people have a good time. Yes, they do sort of start tidying round and maybe hoover before people come, but also they are the kind of people that friends pop in on and they are very much ‘take us as your find us’ and it works fine.

I’m not very tidy or cleanliness obsessed. When friends come i have to out in a bit of effort to some tidying and hoovering etc. I will do an hour or so, but not much more. The bathroom is always clean and the floors hoovered. There will be some dust and probably some books lying around and my house doesn’t look like it’s out of a catalogue....but to be honest it never will do and I don’t want it to look like that. It hasn’t been decorated for over 10 years and the kitchen must be 30 years old. But I don’t really care and my friends don’t seem to either.

I’m not an amazing cook either. If people come at the weekend I will do a roast chicken and perhaps an apple pie...often shop bought. We might have a BBQ in the summer with simple burgers and sausages and a couple of salads. We will have some beer and wine. People seem to enjoy themselves. If the kids have friends over I put several frozen pizzas in the oven and some garlic bread. Seems to go down okay. I’ve told the kids that if they leave their knickers on the floor, their friends will see them....it’s up to them.

I suppose I’m interested in spending time with friends not showing off my house keeping or decorating skills (which are a bit limited) and my cooking isn’t impressive either so I just have to hope people come for the company and because we are very happy to host and to see them.

This competitive cleaning and tidying and food etc just puts people off. If you have extremely high standards yourself, please try not to look down on those who offer lesser food or whose houses are a bit tired, especially if they are less confident hosts.

That's the thing that's confusing though isn't it? If it's a question of "take us as you find us and frozen pizza is fine" then what's all the drama about "no of course flogging across London and a cheesecake isn't enough recompense and you're all cfs" all about?

You only have to read threads on here to see that some people really do judge though!

Yes, you’re right. There are people who judge, without a doubt. They expect to be wined and dined when visiting and they expect guests to bring a certain amount of gifts and quality if they are hosting.

Let’s all just hope that we ourselves are not these people and we are those who are happy to see our friends and spend time and eat with them, whether it’s a sandwich or a feast.

I don't think you should dump a friend who never invites you round, I think you should just change how you see them. I've not stopped seeing my friend who had never returned an invite, we just go out to eat instead. I no longer invite her to group events, I just see her separately. Has she noticed or does she care? I have no idea, but probably not.

@Itsalonghaul

My parents are a good example of this, they used to have lots of friends.

Over the years they stopped returning invites, on the grounds that my father could no longer manage the 'stress'. This was really shorthand for not wanting to bother. He was lazy and why bother if others are doing all the work? The invites became a trickle, and then stopped altogether.

Incredibly my mother will still say she has no idea what happened, and now she is lonely and bored almost all of the time.

At any point she could restart her own efforts, but chooses not to, but still expects invites to everything and a calendar bursting with circled dates. She still wants the company, still wants a sparkling social life and expects her friends and family to do the donkey work. She expects others to do it all for her for some unknown reason, she is somehow special and does need to put any effort in.

I have suggested it has been one sided for some time in terms of invites, and she will also say 'oh but Beatrice loves to host, she enjoys the cooking' no, as it turns out Beatrice doesn't love to cook nor host endlessly even for my gushing wine and flower laden parents that were the epitome of gratitude.

As it turns out Beatrice found other friends that cared about her needs, and recognised she need a night out once in a while that didn't involve days of cooking and cleaning.

I've noticed this with some of my friends who talk about no longer having other friends now we're in our 30s. When we were all in uni together social stuff just happened, what with everyone living in the same place and having lots of time to go on nights out and so on. I get the impression that some people expect things to carry on like that forever, even after people move away and start families and full time jobs. They sometimes comment on how I still seem to have a lot of friends, and I always want to say yes, because I host house parties (or invite friends to meet up for coffee or whatever), travel across the country to stay with people, initiate phone or text conversations, and don't have a habit of flaking at the last minute! It's not like my company is so scintillating that people are drawn to me with no effort whatsoever on my part But they don't seem to make any connection between putting in the work to organise things and maintaining friendships, and expect other people to do all the inviting.

In most cases (among my friends) I think it's due to anxiety, and it's a shame really because it becomes a vicious cycle - the longer you go without seeing someone the more awkward it feels to invite them anywhere, and the more often you drop out of something last minute the less likely you are to be asked again. But I think people don't always appreciate that this stuff makes most people somewhat anxious, especially things like inviting a new friend or colleague to do something for the first time, or hosting a party and wondering if people will not show up and leave you looking like a twat. I used to have clinical anxiety myself so I understand to an extent, but I did (eventually) come to realise that my diagnosis didn't oblige other people to accommodate me by taking the entire burden of stress upon themselves.

Absolutely no issue with people being generally reclusive, by the way - my problem is with people who don't bother to organise anything and then act like it's a complete mystery that they rarely see their friends.

Yes exactly psycho most people with healthy boundaries will soon move the friendship into the top field if they are feeling that there is very little effort coming back.
They might still be willing to have the odd coffee and catch up, but the dinners and invites to parties in the summer won't be forthcoming. Some friends will be okay with just the coffee as there suggested, I am imagine the uninvited friend is aware of the socialising she is not invited to, and perhaps feels hurt but doesn't want to bring it up. Or she is happy with just the coffee shop meet as she doesn't need to host herself. Of course it is fine if it suits them.

CF generally spin a great yarn for years about some dinner they will host in the far distance, and somehow it never happens. They know it would be good manners, but there is always a reason why they don't/can't.

I have friends I see one to one, in groups and old friends we see when we can. We adapt to suit one another in different ways. I think it is fine as long as it is equal more or less in the broadest fashion.

I rather like the biblical view on hosting which boils down to:

1. 'Some people are gifted hosts. Some people have other gifts. Use the gifts you've got.'
2. 'Don't invite those who you know will invite you back. That won't give you any Brownie points 😊. Invite those who aren't well off.'

As I said before, as a coeliac with IBS on a restricted diet, people worry about what to feed me so we don't get many invitations (close friends invite us, just not peripheral friends). But if you are worried about people's diets (vegetarians?), just invite them for coffee. It's the company that's important. Just enjoy being together. And one more thing (sorry!) We've made our garage into 'The Garage Cafe' complete with banner on the back wall, shelves cleared and bowls and lamps on there to make it look a bit like a rustic and grungy cafe. It's been quite popular....😉

and don't have a habit of flaking at the last minute!

I have (had) a few flakey friends. Life really is too short.

Though it does make me appreciate my reliable, respectful friends who I much prefer.

Oh god the flakes! I am far quicker to bin a flake than a free loader. Thankfully the majority of people are nice and decent! Makes the ahem less so stand out tbh

I am far quicker to bin a flake than a free loader.

"Flakes" . I agree. The flakes are by far and away the most annoying. People may have their reasons for not reciprocating but there is very rarely a good excuse for flaking out.

@MsTSwift

Oh god the flakes! I am far quicker to bin a flake than a free loader. Thankfully the majority of people are nice and decent! Makes the ahem less so stand out tbh

I'm quick to bin both after putting up with crap like that too long. Fucking insulting.

I'm quick to bin both after putting up with crap like that too long. Fucking insulting

Summarising the thread nicely

I think it’s hitting 45. Tolerance plummets. Life’s too fucking short! And there are plenty of lovely people who are neither flakes nor free loaders!

I know people like this. DP and I host them all the time (apart from during COVID but even then the bbqs/picnics are on us). They always exclaim 'oh we feel so spoilt, you're so generous, this is so nice we should do it again sometime'. But never not once have they reciprocated ever, even after years. I like hosting but at the same time it would be nice for once that they offer, especially when it's them instigating the meet up. It's always, we should meet up, we'll come to you.

Lol no not reflecting, I just actually have a life that doesn't revolve around arguing with strangers on mumsnet and getting weirdly angry with them unlike some people.

@Crumpetsforthequeen

Lol no not reflecting, I just actually have a life that doesn't revolve around arguing with strangers on mumsnet and getting weirdly angry with them unlike some people.

But you’ve learnt your LESSON right?? 😛😛

@Fembot123 oh yes THE HAMMER OF MUMSNET STRIKES ONCE AGAIN! I'm a changed woman 😂😂

[quote Crumpetsforthequeen]@Fembot123 oh yes THE HAMMER OF MUMSNET STRIKES ONCE AGAIN! I'm a changed woman 😂😂[/quote]
I just hate the way it often ends up being nothing about the post just an axe to grind, because I agree with those pointing out nuances and the fact that you will know the situation better than they presume to as a total stranger I’m told I’m a CFer too 😂😂

One of my best friends used to be very flaky, due to a mixture of anxiety and not bothering if she didn't feel totally up to it (e.g. if she had a headache). I think she got the message when she tried to cancel at the last minute after I'd turned down an invitation from a friend I hadn't seen for ages because of my plans to meet her - I was quite snappy, and she obviously felt bad and offered to come after all, but in the ten minutes between her cancelling and changing her mind back again I'd made plans with the other friend and told her not to bother

This was after a few years of her last minute cancelling on maybe 25-30% of our arrangements, which I bent over backwards to accommodate because I'm generally pretty easygoing and knew she had a lot of MH issues. After that she got a lot better at either turning up or giving a proper amount of notice that she wasn't coming. A year or so later, though, she mentioned that I'd never invited her to see the house I'd moved into about six months earlier, and I realised that it hadn't even occurred to me to ask, because I'd got so out of the habit of suggesting anything as I figured she probably wouldn't turn up anyway. There was no malice in it, it genuinely hadn't crossed my mind. I think in the minds of people who taking the piss what they're doing really doesn't seem like that big of a deal, and they don't always realise the lasting damage they can be doing to their friendships.

Anyway, like I said, she's much better now. She's still really late all the time, but I've learned to bring a book!