Never invited back?

[Lockdownlumpy]

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

I hate hosting now...I did it alot when kids were small, sleepovers & parents in for dinner & drinks ..nothing very fancy. Sometimes if at short notice, it was a takeaway. Now, a few years on, some friends are like ' Come dine with me' ...talking menus, recipes & table settings..I couldn't be bothered with all of that trouble. One complained to me about quality of wine served at a friend's dinner party & how eventually she suggested opening the bottle they brought as a gift as it was much better quality...last bit not said to host. There was a suggestion at one point that we start a reciprocal thing as a group...I opted out, just not my thing to be judged on the wine served & my mismatched table settings.

We knew a couple like this. We were a group of 4 couples and 3 of the couples always hosted. The couple who wouldn't host had a lovely home but just never offered. This went on for years, and the wife of one of the other couples reached the point of saying, quite pointedly, "it's your turn next year isn't it?" after yet another new years party. So the following year none of us arranged a new year's party, thinking they must surely offer. They didn't, but we found out afterwards they invited other friends round to theirs instead because none of us had invited them! The friendship didn't last long after that.

God, I couldn't be doing with that nonsense either.

I think it’s poor form. I don’t love hosting and I don’t love my house either (it’s scruffy and not decorated), but I have manners so I invite people over and suck it up.

If it's a come dine with me set up , that has to be pre agreed you all want to do it or no go.
Sometimes I like to take ages to cook and faff about but that's my choice I would be just as happy with sharing a few pizzas or take away (them paying) at theirs.
It really does piss me off when you foot the bill if you cook (like you are not going to get your supermarket receipts out) but if get take away at theirs it's split. Be generous, be appropriate.
If your house is the most convenient then offer to take lasagne and garlic bread or something for your turn.
Really really pisses me off when they turn up with a bottle of wine like it's a gift then drink 3 bottles and food (even had someone once then take home the one they'd brought because it hadn't been opened )

When I say afternoon tea I am not talking the ritz btw. I mean a cup of tea in the afternoon with a wedge of cake on the side.

I would find this really stressful, even just that, and I can't articulate why. My friend, thank god totally gets it. At the start of our friendship she asked if she'd done something to upset me or if I had something going on I was scared to talk about because I declined invites to her house, she said she'd already figured out I get stressed when I'm groups because of how quiet I'd be in the playground when three or four mums would be there I'd not speak, not out of rudeness but because my mind goes blank and I can't get words out. Faking to look like I'm not struggling inside takes all my energy.

The same type of feeling happens when I have guests in my house,l and I struggle to hold a conversation. I'm the same with my family, I could go to my sisters house and talk her head off, she comes to mine it's like I clam up. So I told my friend that I'd been saying no because when I invited her to mine I'd likely not speak much and thankfully she told me my invites to hers had no strings attached and she was just pleased she hadn't upset me.

So once a week, pre covid, I'd go to hers and I'd bake some cakes for us and call at Starbucks on the way. Sometimes we go to a cafe and I'll pay for her meal. She has a lot of parties on a weekend but again, anything more than a couple of people and I clam up but I'll buy her a bottle of something she likes to enjoy at her party. I'm lucky to have someone who sees that I'm not being rude and taking the piss.

But you are so not rude in that situation Eyebrows
You recognise what works , have discussed it and take things to hers, sounds lovely
In the OP set up they never reciprocate or take anything!

You clearly have some idea of the importance of reciprocation, Annie, so I wouldn't worry about it.

@PurpleOkapi

Are reciprocal invites really necessary? If you invite me to your house, I'm going to think it's because you want me to go to your house, not because you want to come to mine. If no one had ever tried to explain it to me, it would never occur to me that those two things were in any way connected.

I think for an irregular thing this is fine. If it becomes regular then unless there was a reason why, it is normal to expect reciprocal. Otherwise the relationship becomes unbalanced and unequal

God, I hated parents who never reciprocated playdates, but were happy for me to do all the work.
Your friends are simply the lazy arsed adult version of this!
Invitations should always be reciprocated. If you're not happy with that, don't accept them you weirdo.
OP, YANBU

I'm happy to meet up for dinner out, there is no burden on anyone apart from who gets to drive.

Where it's a re-occurring thing, we make a point of shouting the other couple as our guests for the evening. Seems only right.

However, I tolerate a small group of ''dropper inners'' where a cuppa or a beer on the verandah is acceptable and then they are gone. Generally, they work in the same career as us, so once jobs are done, there is time for a quick catch up, we are all usually in our working gear and then they shift on. It's surprising the folk who will sit around for hours...

Depends on the situation. Do they suggest meeting up somewhere but you offer up your place?
Do they have children? A biggie. Much easier to keep it to the kids natural habitat.
There could be a number of different factors at play here. I know when mine were little I'd much rather have hosted and did. All the time. Maybe they think you think like this if they don't have children?

My support bubble friend often cooks dinner but I host it, not sure why!

I love hosting, planning courses, table scapes cooking etc. I have a good friend who loathes cooking and doesn't have table to seat more four. When she hosts, she makes killer cocktails with bargain basement booze (a skill from the gods) and orders a take away which we eat on cushions, on the floor around a huge coffee table. I love it. Our nights may be different but some things are the same great laughs and good times with great friends.

It could just be that they don't like hosting. I'm the opposite, myself. I like having people over because I can cook what I like, and I can drink without having to worry about a taxi home or being over the limit to drive.

Some people are the total opposite and hate having people over. They tend be the sort who are often out and about doing things. Busy people.

Different strokes for different folks.

I’m very much like yourself I have 3 close friends that live in my area one next door the other one 4 doors up and the 3rd lives in the next street , when covid isn’t stopping i host all events cocktail nights party’s , tea and cake anything you can think of or easily they can come round separately at least once a week just by dropping in but too all 3 houses if I “drop by” I’m left on the door step talking for like a year I honestly though there was something wrong with me like I smelled bad or I was rude I used to lay awake at night thinking about it ! Until I spoke to him husband (sometimes they just say it how it is and call a spade a spade !) he pointed out that one of them there house is always messy (not that I care in the slightest with a young family ours is often like that) but he pointed out even that I don’t care if their house is messy this friend is often uptight about it and the odd time you get invited in she goes on and on about it and spends the whole time your there trying to tidy around you then he pointed out the 2nd friend leaves everyone on the door step even family she will have them sit round the back in the freezing cold rather than invite them in even pre covid and the 3rd is the most likly to have me in but she’s round at my house every couple of days she lays on my couch her daughter loves playing with the toys in my house and as my husband says “ I think she’s just more comfy being the guest than the host “ I used to think all 3 must not like me that much because of this but then I realised they are just happier being here they come to my door all the time they know the kettles always on and they stay for hours it really doesn’t bother me but as I said it used to very much I love having a house full I don’t take things to seriously when their kids spill a drink in my house it’s not made a deal out of I don’t make them feel like their a bother x

I hate hosting. I could do it once in a while,more like a blue moon but that's more than enough for Me. For me I am introverted and so is dh. I can handle people in my space up to a limit, and then you need to go. If I do go to a friend's place for cake and tea, I would probably bring over a whole nice cake because I know I'm not going to have them over anytime soon.

Surprised at all this hate and anxiety of hosting. The friendship is unbalanced. Why not just ask her why? "You never invite me over. Is it something I've said"?

I get not wishing to host, but it should be reciprocal so if an issue then meeting outside home (in non-Covid times) and sharing the bill say at a restaurant seems OK to me. I have a lifelong friend who lives a distance away and I visit locally for work so meet in local cafes or pubs when I am there.

@BackforGood

Some people find cooking for others really stressful. Some people enjoy cooking for others. If you are good friends, rather than people who have joined some sort of group, with 'points' (like a babysitting circle, but for hosting) then I don't think it really matters.

If you don't like cooking for people, then it isn't a relaxing, or fun, or enjoyable thing to do at the weekend.
If you do like cooking for people, then would you rather friends said "no" when you asked them over, or would you rather they came over ?

I've never seen friendship as something that means you have to do the same thing for each other. Friendships work in different ways, but there are lots of friendships where one is "the organiser" or one person goes round and helps the other out in practical ways or one where they are a good fit as one is the 'talker' and one the 'listener', or good fits in different ways.

Yeah, except one gets all the work of not just cooking but paying for it and getting the house ready and tidying up after and the other gets to show up, eat and leave. I quite like cooking, don't think it needs to be exact turn-taking and wouldn't mind if someone never hosted but invited us out to a restaurant occasionally and paid for that, but I'd get pissed off if the balance was way out.

I intensely dislike hosting dinner parties at my house, hate it. I stress about the cooking, the cleaning takes a long time and I struggle with energy levels to get to the end of the evening (I have an auto immune disease but that is no excuse) It is days of work in the end and I am a vegan for thirty plus years, everyone else eats a lot of meat so I can't even try what I am cooking. So the whole thing is a nightmare start to finish. I have a lovely home, so it is not my house or being house proud especially. It is the pressure of ensuring everyone has a good time.

I force myself to do it, because I value my friends. I envy those that have simply opted out, but I could never do that, because it would mean I couldn't accept any invitations and that would limit my friendships massively (accept annie's arrangement is different, but the others are not) If I am going through this amount of pain to be a good friend, then if someone else does not invite us back and it is a repeated thing, then they are quietly dropped from the invites here. I will continue to meet them elsewhere. I can't bear a lack of balance in friendships.

Play dates are easier, and I like having children at my house. I can't really stand the socialising with parents that I barely know, but that is something we all have to cope with.

With friends that do not return invites, we switch to meeting in restaurants and out for picnics.

I find doing two larger dinners twice a year really works. One outside in the summer and one at christmas. Summer one is great, because it keeps everyone out of the house and a BBQ is someone else's problem. Christmas is always light canapes and hot bowls, it is easier and great wine and music.

Those that have a thing about being in the home, have you tried hosting outside instead? A small covering in case of rain. It was a good solution for me.

If you hate hosting and won’t do it don’t accept invites to others houses then 🙄. Few love it - who loves tidying up catering then clearing up 🙄 but it’s good for everyone to socialise. High five to hosts everywhere and eye roll to the CF blaggers. Have had this too often. Guess which camp I am in!

I love hosting, but I’ve found some ‘friends’ take advantage of that over the years. I was once invited to a friends house for dinner and I ended up paying for the pizzas she ordered ... you live and learn.

I think it’s poor form. I don’t love hosting and I don’t love my house either (it’s scruffy and not decorated), but I have manners so I invite people over and suck it up.

I agree. I had a friend who was like this. Ditched her in the end as I realised she was a taker.

I have a similar problem and find myself being resentful with some of the friends. I don't mind hosting and when people ask what to bring I always say no need to bring anything. I occasionally started hosting when asked everyone to bring a small meal to share. There are people who drove from far, bring wine and gifts etc. So even when they don't reciprocate an invitation I'm fine with that.
But I do have some friends who live very near so they walk to my place, don't need a babysitter, come with nothing and never invite me back with poor excuses. I find them quite selfish as I make a lot of effort for these meet ups, it's quite normal to spend over £100 on food and drinks and lot of time and effort. Most recently not only I spent a lot on food which had to include a lot of dietary requirements and then bought special things for the garden to make everyone comfortable, wood for the bone fire etc. I'm really frustrated with some of these people as they are also very quick to split things not just 50-50 in restaurants but to calculate each item as they buy less even if then end up or they kids end up eating what I bought. Also very frequently get phone calls from them to borrow things, get things, ask for help etc. At the same time I know that at least one of these friends makes effort for some of her other friends where she bakes bday cakes for them, cooks for them etc. Rant over! I probably should just distance myself but find it hard.