His Money, His Decision.
lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 04:51
I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
rawlikesushi · 06/04/2021 05:01
For me, it would depend on his motive.
If he said or implied 'my money, my decision' then he is definitely BU.
If he thought he was being helpful by getting these jobs done - because you'd procrastinated for ages, couldn't make a decision, seemed disinterested, seemed busy so he thought he'd shoulder a responsibility - then my view of him would be kinder.
Presumably, after the first time, you made your views - that you expected to be at least part of the decision-making - clear though?
rawlikesushi · 06/04/2021 05:28
Well then he does sound like a dick.
What reason did he give? I think I could forgive 'this one was on sale and gets better reviews' but he must have known that before going to pick it up, so why not discuss it with you?
Ask for the receipt so you can exchange it.
How is he in other areas? If in isolation, his only fault, it wouldn't be a divorce situation for me, but if he's financially abusive or very controlling with other things too, then it would be.
Would you consider getting a job or increasing your working hours to feel more in control financially?
Stovetopespresso · 06/04/2021 05:51
in your title it says 'his money, his decision", is this something he's said to you? either way you need to have a chat, imo, about money and attitudes and how it makes you feel (there's guidance online maybe on the Relate website or similar on how to do this). he sounds as if he's treating you like little wifey!
MangoBiscuit · 06/04/2021 05:54
This with bells on.
You're either a team, and you share in both the tasks and the decision making, or you're not. If not, then if he takes over decisions for a task, he takes over responsibility for it too.
AnyOldPrion · 06/04/2021 06:32
You have my sympathy. It’s very sad that so many men are unable to work as a team with their SAH partners. It was a major factor in the break up of my marriage. I work full time now and it’s exhausting, even though my children are older.
I wish that in working for equality of opportunity at work, society had also recognized that there was value in the family unit where one parent worked and had pushed for actions that would have ensured such partnerships could exist without the SAH partner being at such a disadvantage. I know when I retire, my pension will be much smaller than it would have been had I not had children.
No real answers for you OP, except to say that if I were you, I’d be seeking a way out. Perhaps you could ask for some kind of counselling to see whether you can bring him to see how much he’s disrespecting you, though I don’t know how successful it would be if his attitudes are so set. But if you have a chance to get some kind of work, then take it. His behaviour might improve if he knows you are not in such a helpless situation.
But ultimately the way out may lie in self-sufficiency. Start working towards it.
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