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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His Money, His Decision.

245 replies

lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 04:51

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

OP posts:

rawlikesushi · 06/04/2021 05:01

For me, it would depend on his motive.

If he said or implied 'my money, my decision' then he is definitely BU.

If he thought he was being helpful by getting these jobs done - because you'd procrastinated for ages, couldn't make a decision, seemed disinterested, seemed busy so he thought he'd shoulder a responsibility - then my view of him would be kinder.

Presumably, after the first time, you made your views - that you expected to be at least part of the decision-making - clear though?

rawlikesushi · 06/04/2021 05:03

I'd also be more forgiving if you chose a brand of vacuum cleaner that was too expensive for the budget, or got rubbish reviews. What was his justification for his choice, and ignoring yours?

Original poster

lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 05:06

He is not being helpful, his attitude is definitely my money, my decision. It's been like that for as long as we've been married, and I've had enough.

OP posts:

beginningoftheend · 06/04/2021 05:10

He is BU, I'd be annoyed by this.

Do you have access to any money? Or does he keep control of it?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 05:12

Your husband thinks very, very little of you. I wouldn't live this way, I assure you.

121hugsneeded · 06/04/2021 05:21

Ask for him to return it as it's not the one you wanted.

rawlikesushi · 06/04/2021 05:28

Well then he does sound like a dick.

What reason did he give? I think I could forgive 'this one was on sale and gets better reviews' but he must have known that before going to pick it up, so why not discuss it with you?

Ask for the receipt so you can exchange it.

How is he in other areas? If in isolation, his only fault, it wouldn't be a divorce situation for me, but if he's financially abusive or very controlling with other things too, then it would be.

Would you consider getting a job or increasing your working hours to feel more in control financially?

Original poster

lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 05:34

I can't return it, it's already been used...

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 06/04/2021 05:36

Why don’t you go back to work? Childcare costs need to be split equally between the 2 of you not just come out of your wages. And he has made it clear he will be cooking, loading the dishwasher and hoovering

WhoWh0 · 06/04/2021 05:38

He picked it, he can use it. It is now his job.

Stovetopespresso · 06/04/2021 05:51

in your title it says 'his money, his decision", is this something he's said to you? either way you need to have a chat, imo, about money and attitudes and how it makes you feel (there's guidance online maybe on the Relate website or similar on how to do this). he sounds as if he's treating you like little wifey!

MangoBiscuit · 06/04/2021 05:54

@WhoWh0

He picked it, he can use it. It is now his job.

This with bells on.

You're either a team, and you share in both the tasks and the decision making, or you're not. If not, then if he takes over decisions for a task, he takes over responsibility for it too.

Aebj · 06/04/2021 05:58

One less job for you to do. He can use the Hoover and if he asks why it’s not be done , tell him you didn’t want this one and why. He now has to live with it.

skipperjonce · 06/04/2021 05:58

Get a job too then you'll have money to buy household items.

Yoshinori · 06/04/2021 06:03

Honestly if it makes you that angry, get a job or a way of also being able to buy such items.

I know it’s not the point here but how can a women feel comfortable knowing the only way she can afford basic things like household items is through her husband ?

FortunesFave · 06/04/2021 06:05

No it's wrong. The only thing my DH has bought without asking me to choose with him is a lawnmower because I just don't do the lawn.

Eekay · 06/04/2021 06:05

It sounds like a miserable marriage. Controlling git.
He may find himself handing over a good percentage of "his" money if you decided to divorce him!

EmilyEmmabob · 06/04/2021 06:09

How did you end up in this situation? It sounds like a bigger issue, this is a symptom of a very unhealthy situation. Have you ever had financial independence?

HoppingPavlova · 06/04/2021 06:24

Why do you not have access to the funds for these purchases?

How have you remained in this situation until now without remediating it by giving him an ultimatum or getting a job yourself?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2021 06:26

How old are the kids? Can you get back to work?

Personally I wouldn't put up,with this nonsense but it sounds like an ingrained pattern for you both.

AnyOldPrion · 06/04/2021 06:32

You have my sympathy. It’s very sad that so many men are unable to work as a team with their SAH partners. It was a major factor in the break up of my marriage. I work full time now and it’s exhausting, even though my children are older.

I wish that in working for equality of opportunity at work, society had also recognized that there was value in the family unit where one parent worked and had pushed for actions that would have ensured such partnerships could exist without the SAH partner being at such a disadvantage. I know when I retire, my pension will be much smaller than it would have been had I not had children.

No real answers for you OP, except to say that if I were you, I’d be seeking a way out. Perhaps you could ask for some kind of counselling to see whether you can bring him to see how much he’s disrespecting you, though I don’t know how successful it would be if his attitudes are so set. But if you have a chance to get some kind of work, then take it. His behaviour might improve if he knows you are not in such a helpless situation.

But ultimately the way out may lie in self-sufficiency. Start working towards it.

whiteroseredrose · 06/04/2021 06:32

No, my DH never did that.

He earned the money and I did the day to day spending. Big purchases were and still are chosen together.

Trixie78 · 06/04/2021 06:36

I couldn't live like this. He needs to pay half for childcare and you need to go back to work as it's obvious you can't rely on DH. He has no respect for you. My DH expects a say in bigger purchases but would never do this!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/04/2021 06:43

I'd be going back to work if I were you. No one should become a SAHM if their partner has this kind of attitude.

custardbear · 06/04/2021 06:44

I couldn't live like that. He's a male chauvinistic Pig

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