His Money, His Decision.

[lealea6366]

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

[Ineke]

Slightly sounds like controlling behaviour, even if he has the money to buy these items, your opinion should be valued and not dismissed. If he was the cook and knew about ovens then maybe, but if my DH chose which Vacuum cleaner I should use without some discussion I would tell him to use it then. This strikes me as being a downward spiral unless you can find some financial independence or a level ground for discussions on home purchases.

[Pinkrinse]

His behaviour is abusive. It’s a way of controlling you, and needs to be addressed. A marriage should be a partnership, it’s joint money not his. Please talk to him, and if he refuses to budge, then please re- consider your relationship. This is not right.

[LizzyA123]

Ok - so “his money, his decision” for equipment he expects only you to use or does he use it too.
I would be annoyed by this especially if you’ve already told him you need to have input into what’s needed and he’s ignored you. Perhaps you should say “ your money, your decision, therefore your item; so you DH are now wholly responsible for using it!!”

[sas1879]

we both work and put our money together but he would never dare buy anything without checking with me first. Mainly because he knows I never pay full price and will always get the best value for money and will always haggle. Something he is very happy for me to do because he sees it as win win. But I always tell him when I am thinking of spending large money. if you live together but don't earn money as such your value is in what you do being a great mum and keeping the house in order, cooking etc. I think he is bu not even at least having a conversation with you about it.

[ginghamtablecloths]

This is a very unhappy situation lealea and as many posters have said it's not acceptable. Finding a full time, well paid job and leaving would be better in the long run but isn't an easy option either. Change is scarier than putting up with it but do you want to be treated like this for the rest of your marriage? It is a form of abuse, pure and simple.

[WarwickHunt]

OP has gone very quiet and provided very little information. My money is on fanny lodger

[Ibizafun]

For people saying marriage should be a partnership, do they think that should still be the case when only one person works because that salary is enough? Should the working person get the last say when there is no childcare involved?

[BramStoker]

@ibizafun you would hope that in any marriage/relationship where only one person is earning then that has been jointly agreed by both partners and the non earning person is contributing in other ways which are valued by both parties

Judging by a lot of the threads on MN that isn't the case in a lot of marriages which naturally causes resentment.

My advice to any person would always be to avoid becoming 100% financially reliant on another person

[Ibizafun]

Thank you BramStoker interesting to see what people think

[RufustheSniggeringReindeer]

you would hope that in any marriage/relationship where only one person is earning then that has been jointly agreed by both partners and the non earning person is contributing in other ways which are valued by both parties

This is the situation in my household

[Yazkiz]

I agree with the last post. Unfortunately this is not the reality. The person who gives up their job, independence really sacrifices a lot especially when they are not respected and appreciated for doing so by their partner. It's not an easy decision to make to be a SAHP and then when you find yourself in this situation it is very disheartening.

[AnyOldPrion]

@RufustheSniggeringReindeer

you would hope that in any marriage/relationship where only one person is earning then that has been jointly agreed by both partners and the non earning person is contributing in other ways which are valued by both parties

This is the situation in my household

Unfortunately some men work hard to get women in positions of dependence so they can abuse without the worry she might leave. It’s the reason men often begin abusing their wives or partners once they’re pregnant.

[Yazkiz]

@lealea6366 Please tell him how you feel about these purchases or he'll continue with this type of behaviour. Sometimes they say better to pick your battles/ignore the situation for the sake of peace in the house. However, this can be taken by your partner that you think what he is doing is ok and doesn't consider your feelings.

[LemonRoses]

@Ibizafun

For people saying marriage should be a partnership, do they think that should still be the case when only one person works because that salary is enough? Should the working person get the last say when there is no childcare involved?

Absolutely not. A marriage is an equal partnership where both parties have an equal voice.

[RufustheSniggeringReindeer]

Unfortunately some men work hard to get women in positions of dependence so they can abuse without the worry she might leave. It’s the reason men often begin abusing their wives or partners once they’re pregnant

Absolutely

[Cotton55]

God I just can't understand relationships like this! A marriage should be a partnership. Even all the comments about how your dh needs to pay half towards childcare makes my eyes roll. In my marriage my dh earns more than me. Even when I was working fulltime. Since September I've been job sharing so earning even less now. However, whatever we earn is jointly 'our' money. 50/50. We both have cards for each account. The way we look at it is that it's all from the one pot. We make decisions about large purchases together but really I usually make the final decision if it's about a hoover/ washing machine etc as the reality is I'm the one who uses it the most as I only work 2 or 3 days per week.

[MummyMayo1988]

I'm in very much the same position as you.
SAHM - no income.
My DH wouldn't think of things like "function" when buying home appliances. However he always checks with me first.
"Is this any good?" - "no! It's sliver and all our other appliances are white!" 🤣🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️
If you want more say - speak up!

[moochingtothepub]

I can't understand how women allow themselves to be in this situation.

Household items are joint decisions, exh delegated them to me but we had joint finances. Dp asks me what I want then tells me I'm a cheapskate and to buy better quality (I'm not used to being able to!)

[huuskymam]

We agreed that I would be the stay at home parent because of dhs shift changes, which happen regularly. If he had the same attitude as your Dh it would never have happened.

My Dh's attitude is he works outside the home, and I work inside. I will always pick any white goods we need as I'm the one who uses them mostly. He would feel guilty about spending 50 quid on his hobby and I'd have to convince him he's being ridiculous cause we both know we can afford it. All money goes into a joint account and I never ask can I buy this or that, I just do it.

[Fudgemonkeys]

Your relationship isn't a partnership it's him dictating what you will both have. How selfish!! I earn the most and I'd never buy anything unless we'd discussed and agreed.