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AIBU?

His Money, His Decision.

245 replies

lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 04:51

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

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AIBU

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/04/2021 08:48

I don’t check with DH what brand etc to buy, might have a conversation on style or colour if colour changing.

Maybe he is no longer on board with you not working and feels you could be (it doesn’t sound like the children are small) so does see it as his salary as he’s the one that’s worked for it.

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Cadent · 06/04/2021 08:48

He bought them, so let him use them. Go on strike.

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Bluntness100 · 06/04/2021 08:48

I would tell him that he can use the vacuum cleaner from now on and anything else he buys without consulting you

I never understand posts like this, it’s so short sighted, yup she tells him to do the hoovering and cooking and he tells her to buy her own food and out a roof over her own head, it’s just open warfare.

The op needs to explain why she’s in this situation.

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Grumblesigh · 06/04/2021 08:49

And just to be clear - this has nothing at all to do with you being a SAHM. Earning or not earning.

This is about being in a relationship with a fuckwit.

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Purplewithred · 06/04/2021 08:52

Has he forgotten the bit in his marriage vows that went “all that I have I share with you”? I’m afraid divorce is going to teach him he’s wrong, and in marriage all property is considered shared.

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Whoopsies · 06/04/2021 08:52

I'm a sahm and pretty much every purchase is discussed. If it's something small then it's just mentioned and something big is properly discussed and chosen together. Household items are used as much by both of us so we decide together.

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user123456778 · 06/04/2021 08:53

If he's taking the 'my money, my decision' angle, I'd probably go back with 'if I don't have any input and if it isn't suitable, I'm not using it'

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diamondpony80 · 06/04/2021 08:58

I couldn't live like that. I make all the purchasing decisions for stuff around the house - DH gets a say if he wants to give some input, but usually I just get on with it. I use either my own money or we go half and half (we have our own bank accounts and split the bills according to what we earn). I could never have stayed at home and not worked because I would never rely on anyone for money. I find it hard to understand women who are married to someone like this choosing to stay at home and have no income of their own. You just lose all your freedom.

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HappydaysArehere · 06/04/2021 09:02

I would say things like “when are you going to put your washing machine on then?”Or “you haven’t used your vacuum cleaner yet”. Oh! I thought you bought them for yourself.

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Silverfly · 06/04/2021 09:02

When I was a SAHM all money was joint and I had full access to our account.

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C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2021 09:03

The op needs to explain why she’s in this situation.

The situation is that the OP is a SAHM with a husband who doesn't seem to understand the concept of partnership.

Whether parents divide responsibilities by time or by person is irrelevant. Income and leisure time should be joint assets in the partnership.

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willowmelangell · 06/04/2021 09:06

Please tell us that child benefit is in your name? While you are not working outside the home, you need to protect your NI contributions.

I so get it. When I left my 'd'p I left the massive, heavy, expensive, flashy, not consulted on vacuum. Totally impractical for me to use. Twat.

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PopsicleHustler · 06/04/2021 09:06

Tbh , I go ahead and buy things without my husbands approval of the brand. I say to him for example, the hoover has packed up. he says go ahead and choose which one is best etc. However when he was buying the new family car, he did ask which one i prefer and so on.

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TimeIhadaNameChange · 06/04/2021 09:10

We’re not married but DP would never do this. In a way I wish he would - I don't really have the desire to look for the best fridge-freezer atm but if I found one I liked he’d buy it.

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/04/2021 09:10

Please tell us that child benefit is in your name

Another posts show the DC were born 20 years ago so don’t think CB will likely apply.

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Ohdeariedear · 06/04/2021 09:11

SAHM mum here - I’m the “procurement manager” for the household. We discuss what we’re needing then I go off and find what I think is the best option, we have a quick chat to make sure we both agree on it and then I buy it.

No way would I buy something without speaking to him and that’s not about any power dynamic around him paying, it’s because we’re a team.

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LouiseTrees · 06/04/2021 09:12

Well then don’t use his purchases to do anything for him or be deliberately bad at it. Oh the toastie is rubbish, see if it had a better grill then that wouldn’t be an issue, oh that bit there still has dust - poor suction on the vacuum. But honestly although my husband is very nice and I don’t think he’d be like this ( he actually probably does more housework than me, joint decisions etc) , this is my I’m not a stay at home.

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Gerla · 06/04/2021 09:13

My husband did this twice when he bought the family car. Tbh I still hold it against him and he doesn't get it. It's that it so blatantly says "you don't count as much as I do". I also find it hard to drive the car - which he knew.

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LouiseTrees · 06/04/2021 09:14

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Please tell us that child benefit is in your name

Another posts show the DC were born 20 years ago so don’t think CB will likely apply.

Really? Even a youngest?

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papaver · 06/04/2021 09:15

Having been in this position I would be extremely wary and take time to consider your future with him. It is unlikely to be the only area of your life where his attitude will impact you. As other posters have said this is not normal or reasonable behaviour. My ex was like this - a notable example was insisting on an extremely difficult to use and expensive gadget for liquidising baby food when I wanted a cheap table top liquidiser. The hoover he never used was another one! I did fight it but it is exhausting and wears you down and it was never a partnership in any real way. Others have said leave and/or go back to work. This isn't easy if you are dealing with an abuser. Mine certainly made that option seem impossible and sadly a lack of external support meant it was many years before I finally escaped but if he isn't going to change his attitude then I would recommend seriously thinking about leaving or working to change the power dynamic. He is using your financial insecurity to bully you and not respecting what you are bringing to the partnership.

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StellaDendrite · 06/04/2021 09:15

.

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honeylulu · 06/04/2021 09:21

Yes he is a chauvinist pig.

Yes yes to getting a job and some independence.

Please don't do the invoicing him for chores and childcare. He can just snap back that you only get half the going rate as its your house and children too. Plus you will now have to pay half the mortgage, bills, food, holidays ... you'll end up owing him money not the other way around.

My husband chose our Hoover but he does the hoovering. I chose the steam mop as I do the mopping. He chose our tvs and stereos but he knows I'm not interested in tech. When I needed a new laptop I asked him to research and recommend one which I then bought. That's being practical though, it has nothing to do with whose money pays for what.

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SpringtimeSummertime · 06/04/2021 09:21

If he genuinely thinks that then as others have said:
His vacuum, he uses it
His cooker: He cooks on it...

TBF, I have the opposite situation. I choose and buy everything out of joint money. We both earn the same so different situation I know but I’m effectively spending his money too. He doesn’t care.

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Twoforthree · 06/04/2021 09:24

You haven't got a partnership. You've got a dictator as a partner.

No of course that's not reasonable. Is this the only problem? What does he say when you show you are upset about this sort of thing?

Is it coming from not thinking or do you find yourself treading on eggshells so as not to upset him? Do you find you are easy going so you normally agree with his decisions anyway and so it's only on some occasions like this you think you have a problem? In which case is it only because you normally agree with him, that your relationship is ok for most of the time?

Now your eyes are opened, what other things does he do that most of us would never countenance?

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LittleBearPad · 06/04/2021 09:25

SAHM mum here - I’m the “procurement manager” for the household.

Please don’t do this job title thing in real life. It’s immensely tedious.

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