His Money, His Decision.

[lealea6366]

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

[ThisIsMeOrIsIt]

YABU to solely talk as if men in relationships are the only ones to go out to work. My DH is a SAHD and I work.

I would absolutely talk to my DH about any large purchases. Not necessarily because he uses them more (I do as much housework as he does) but because he likes to look at reviews and ask for recommendations and it's good to talk over the pros and cons.

Your DH is awful if he keeps his money to himself and doles you out a little at a time. Family money should be shared.

[Merryoldgoat]

I work PT, DH FT - he earns about 60% of the household income so it’s not quite yet same but he’s not interested in household spending beyond wanting stuff to work. We have joint finances and I tend to make choices about stuff like appliances.

[dottiedodah]

Well maybe as he chose this appliance , he can get stuck into some vacuuming! Really don't understand why he does this.we are getting a new dishwasher too and both going to john Lewis together.

[dontdisturbmenow]

He is totally unreasonable. Unless:

You have a history of getting into debts and buying top of the range of everything.

All your children are at secondary, his wishes is that you are back FT to increase the family budget but you refuse.

His action would still be wrong but more understandable.

[LittleBearPad]

Why has it been used if you don’t want it? Did he come home and immediately hoover the house?

When you decided to become a SAHM what conversations did you have about money?

[speakout]

I would not accept this situation OP.

[LagunaBubbles]

Why are you married to finding who doesn't treat you as an equal partner, regardless of who brings what?

[LagunaBubbles]

someone

[Reinventinganna]

His money, his decision, his appliances and they are his jobs. Sorted.

[Cam77]

@Yoshinori
Pretty stupid statement. Equally, “how can a man feel comfortable that the only way he can raise his children is through a wife/paid care?”

[Ragwort]

It's very hard to find yourself in this situation OP ... it's easy to say 'I wouldn't let it happen to me' ... perhaps you didn't realise how controlling he was until it was too late.

When I was a SAHM, for 12 years, much of that time with a school age child - I had complete access to our joint account and spent what I wanted/needed - obviously I knew what was in the account and wouldn't go overdrawn. But we discussed this sort of thing very, very clearly before we had a child and I stopped working ... we were married over 10 years before I agreed to have a child ... it's very tough if the situation has just crept on you and it's easy to say 'LTB' if you have DC and no real financial independence.

[ivykaty44]

Its not his money though is it?

Its family money, he signed up having a family and therefore the money is not just his money.

Its not like you charge him for cooking and cleaning, babysitting is it?

[SunshineCake]

Surely as his money bought them they belong to him. So no dishwasher loading or emptying, no cooking and no vacuuming for you.

Or talk to him, tell him you will no live like this. Will he stop, will he accept this is an equal relationship and if not divorce the pathetic excuse for a man.

[LemonRoses]

I find it incredible that women accept this sort of situation. I don’t not give two figs about who chose the dishwasher- my husband usually does simply because he is more precise in his demands around white goods. He wants one today, if something needs replacing, and can’t abide waiting for availability.

The questions I think are thrown up are;
Why is it you that uses these items? My view was always I was reducing my career options to raise our children not to be a poorly paid housekeeper. He either did his fair share or paid a cleaner. He chose both options and hoovers far more frequently than me.

Why do you not have equal access to money? I understand if money is tight and you’re not very good at budgeting or tend to impulsiveness, but otherwise it is money that rightly is earned and belonging to both of you. Your child raising enables his career.

Why are you not talking to him about respecting your work and role in your relationship? I think an early stage honest communication is essential for long term relationship health. Ideally before one partner limits their income and role. That prevents ongoing discontent and ill feelings. Being a lower earner financial is fine as long as the role of mother is respected over and above being a cleaner.

[ButIcantsitonleather]

I just couldn’t imagine my H being a cunt like this if I became a SAHM. He just wouldn’t. Where do these vile men come from??

[SunshineCake]

Your post is very smug, unkind and really not the helpful one I'm sure you think it is @LemonRoses.

[DowntonCrabby]

It’s not about money, it’s about control and a massive lack of respect.

I’d make plans to get out OP

[nettie434]

I'm not a SAHM but I really wanted to say that I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's bad enough that he makes these purchases without involving you but it sounds as if 'his money, his decision' is something he has actually said. That makes it even worse.

Relate have a webpage on financial abuse and suggestions about what partners can do if they find themselves in this position:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/money-and-work/are-you-financially-abusive-relationship

[Soontobe60]

@lealea6366

He is not being helpful, his attitude is definitely my money, my decision. It's been like that for as long as we've been married, and I've had enough.

So why stay with him? You need to think about your future - go back full time, change your career, tell him this has to change or else you will be leaving.
My ex was a bit like this when I didn't work, amongst other things, and he knew I was unhappy but couldn’t leave as I had no money. Eventually he tipped me over the edge and I returned to my parents. It is possible.

[Loopylobes]

You're married so what's his is yours.

I would tell him that he can use the vacuum cleaner from now on and anything else he buys without consulting you.

Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

[GoodbyePorpoiseSpit]

I hope everyone helpfully posting ‘get a job’ or ‘go back to work’ has checked out the childcare options and costs and the job market for the op?
It blows my mind how people do not consider the decision making that goes into being a SAHM. Or nastily judging the op about relying on someone else. Her DH relies on her more! He can’t do what he does unless she does what she does. Often it’s about childcare costs vs earning potential, then you get used to one salary and the person earning that salary gets used to not having to factor in leaving early for pick ups or juggling the working week. It’s not some extended jolly. Plus: It’s usually pretty hard to just ‘get a job’ at the best of times but after a pandemic?
Op your husband doesn’t respect you and your input to the household. If he can’t see it then that’s a problem. Do you want to return to work? Would he step up for pick ups and childcare stuff?

[LemonRoses]

@SunshineCake

Your post is very smug, unkind and really not the helpful one I'm sure you think it is *@LemonRoses*.

It’s certainly not as rude, smug or unkind as yours.

[Bluntness100]

I think you need to expand further, why is it you don’t work? It’s fine to say you’ve had enough, but you’ve not explained why you can’t work and have your own money?

[Grumblesigh]

Even if you were working FT and earning similar to him, and even if you both as likely to use the purchased goods - having your partner make purchases for your shared home without any consultation is the sign of a major arsehole who never got the memo on what being in a relationship is about.

There's no way that anyone in a healthy relationship does this. None.

It's just bloody obvious that you'd discuss this together, isn't it? It's obvious to you, because you are not an arsehole.

I am sorry that your partner is rubbish.

[MitheringSunday]

The point of marriage is operating as a unit, surely? I admit I've never understood separate finances within marriage, but this goes beyond separate finances. Buying expensive things that only you use and making it clear that you have no say in the decision because money is a deliberate 'fuck you' on his part. He's trying to put you in what he imagines is your place.

if you initiated a divorce, he would soon find out that the law's idea of 'his money' differs markedly from his own. Perhaps he needs reminding of that.