His Money, His Decision.

[lealea6366]

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

[Clymene]

Go back to work and buy your own vacuum cleaner. He's trying to make it clear to you that he's in charge. What a pathetic way to behave.

[DropBearThere]

@lealea6366

He is not being helpful, his attitude is definitely my money, my decision. It's been like that for as long as we've been married, and I've had enough.

I don’t understand this sexist, antiquated attitude seen so often on this site, is it a normal UK thing? You’re in a 1950s marriage. Start charging him market rates for staying at home and looking after his kid and washing his dirty undies and socks, and use the money to buy your own stuff.

[Namechangeforspring2021]

You’re a team and the house is yours, all should be joint decisions. I remember when my ex declared he’s paid for all the furniture in the house when we’d split, erm no I also paid for it too, just happens to be a smaller percentage because we agreed I would work part time to look after the kids. It’s all about his attitude nothing to do with your finances.

[Cuntryhouse]

Dh earns more than double what I do. At times he's earned 100% more. Money always shared half each. I'm more likely to make the financial decisions. It's sounding like financial abuse and a complete lack of respect or even care for you. Does he act like he even likes you?? Serious question.

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

I am assuming you never talk to each other ie before getting pregnant what would be happening financially whilst you were on maternity leave and then being a SAHM. Dh and I did. His Mum was a SAHM and had "housekeeping money" where FIL gave her cash every week. I told Dh that was not happening with us and he completely agreed with me.

I returned part time and then became a SAHM through a combination of several factors one of which is my health.

I know it is easy for everyone to say go to back to work but if you have a financially abusive husband all of OP's salary will be used to fund the childcare element. This might be the best solution for you though lea as a start to financial independence which gives you options.

And to answer your question, I have full access to the joint account and all monies earned by Dh. He has investments in his name only, I have investments in my name only. They are unequal but I have the higher amount. We talk so anything like a hoover would be entirely my decision because Dh hardly ever hoovers. However, we made joint decisions on stuff we both use, ovens, hobs, dishwashers. He has never considered it his money but simply money for the family pot.

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

he has a terrible attitude the way you describe it op

[Shoxfordian]

You’re supposed to be a team but he’s not acting like it. Don’t put up with this nonsense, get yourself a job if you can and make your own money

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

@lealea6366

He is not being helpful, his attitude is definitely my money, my decision. It's been like that for as long as we've been married, and I've had enough.

Yeah - well, his decision his domestic implements.

He can use them.

And take the advice of others on here and see if you can get back into the work market.

And get your ducks in a row.

Then leave.

[Blimeyoreilly2020]

Dh and I make almost all decisions of this nature jointly, and he has the good grace to accept when I have more knowledge on something. I’m so sorry you’re in this position, it needs to change.

[ChessieFL]

I’m the FT worker in our house, DH is SAHD so does most of the housework. If an appliance needs replacing we discuss a rough budget together but then DH chooses it because he’s the one who will be mainly using it. Something like a fridge we would choose together.

[LakieLady]

@WhoWh0

He picked it, he can use it. It is now his job.

My thoughts exactly.

I think you should try them a couple of times, though, just so you can tell him how crap they are.

[DinosaurDiana]

He needs to change or you need to make a decision.
My DH bought something that was over £200, put it on his credit card so I couldn’t see it, and didn’t tell me until the day it arrived. The reason he did this is because if he discussed it with me I’d say it was a total waste of money and he couldn’t get it.
Because of other things that had gone on previously, that was the incident that made me want to divorce him.
You need to get a job and think about how you want to live your life if he won’t change.

[billy1966]

Controlling and disrespectful.

Sounds like an awful way to live.

Completely unacceptable.

Do you want to remain married to him?

If not get organised.

Contact Women's Aid for support and advice.

[Dancingsmile]

Of course it's not right. If you decide that one stays at home and the other works then the money is both of yours.
The kids aren't just yours because you are at home with them so the moneys not just his.
There are bigger issues here .
This is far from an equal relationship.
You need to get a job, use child care and split the cost of it or reevaluate your relationship with him. A marriage or relationship is supposed to equal in love, respect , values and day to day life work.

[LakieLady]

I don’t understand this sexist, antiquated attitude seen so often on this site, is it a normal UK thing? You’re in a 1950s marriage. Start charging him market rates for staying at home and looking after his kid and washing his dirty undies and socks, and use the money to buy your own stuff

Live in nannies can get £30k a year or more, and then add on £12-20 ph for a cleaner. I don't know how much it would cost to pay someone to come and cook every day, or do the shopping though.

Present him with an invoice, OP!

[SpeckledyHen]

Is he disrespectful to you about everything in your relationship OP?

[CuthbertDibbleandGrubb]

Even if you both worked and did a 50/50 share of household tasks, he would be being unreasonable.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

When push comes to shove, it isn't the actual appliance that is the problem, is it?

It's that you husband disregards you preferences and has contempt for your judgement. You are the one who uses these household tools; you are the one who knows what you want from them; you are the one who will, day in, day out, be involved with their use, their cleaning and general minor maintenance issues. You are the one who should decide which to buy - the only input your DH needs to have is to discuss the budget for these items with you.

Every day you are either struggling with an appliance you find clumsy of complicated for your own needs (or even just can't stand the sight of), while he is smugly telling people "I bought her a new hoover. Is she grateful? . . . "

I'll bet if he wants a new cordless drill, or sander or whatever - something that he'll probably use twice then stick in the shed for 3 years until the next time a minor job needs doing - he doesn't let you pick it! Yet you are stuck with a daily reminder that he doesn't give a damn about your preferences and requirements.

[RosesAndHellebores]

When I was a SAHM DH would have been more likely to fly to the moon than to buy domestic appliances. If we needed new ones it was delegated entirely to me. No questions asked. The same with furniture, colour schemes, etc.

We have never had a joint account. We both have separate savings. We have never had an argument over money but have similar attitudes to spending. What your DH has done would infuriate me.

Funnily enough when I went back to work, the thing I bought out of my first months' pay was a new hoover.

[Mix56]

"It's that you husband disregards you preferences and has contempt for your judgement. You are the one who uses these household tools; you are the one who knows what you want from them; you are the one who will, day in, day out, be involved with their use, their cleaning and general minor maintenance issues. You are the one who should decide which to buy - the only input your DH needs to have is to discuss the budget for these items with you."^

Exactly^

[rosemary35]

This is really weird, I do the hoovering and my husband really wouldn’t care what kind of hoover we have. Since your husband doesn’t even do these chores, it comes across very controlling that he would want to choose.

We have joint finances, both work, I earn a bit more, and any purchase over about £80 we would 100% consult each other first.

I echo other posters that you should look at getting a job so you have some financial independence. It seems like he enjoys having the financial power over you, which is not how a working partner/SAH partner setup should function.

[BramStoker]

He is not being helpful, his attitude is definitely my money, my decision. It's been like that for as long as we've been married, and I've had enough

If he's always been like this, why on earth would you give up your financial independence to be a SAHM?

[Confusedandshaken]

I stopped work to become a SAHM 30 years ago. Since then I have worked on and off when times were tough but DH has bought in at least 95% of the family income for the last 3 decades. He is absolutely adamant that what he earns is 'ours' and that my contribution in running the home and family is just as valuable as him earning money. On occasion I've referred to 'his' money and he corrects me every time. We paid off our mortgage early about 3 years ago and when I said he should be proud of what he had achieved he corrected me again and said we had achieved it together.

This isn't the lifestyle I expected to live and it's quite an old fashioned one but it works for us largely because of DHs attitude. If he had acted like your husband OP I would have had to go back to work and I don't think our marriage would have lasted. I couldn't live with someone who thinks the way your DH does.

It might help to get some couples counselling. I am a trained relationship therapist and differing attitudes to money are a recurring theme in the couples I see. IME it causes more problems in a marriage than anything else, even infidelity.

[Mmn654123]

His appliances, he can use them.

If I don’t choose it, I don’t use it.

Actions speak louder than words. He will soon learn. Just do not use anything he buys without consultation. Be totally unreasonable on the topic. Keep telling him he has 28 days before returns aren’t possible and that you won’t be using them so he’s wasting money.

But you know, his money his decision!

[Bagelsandbrie]

I am a sahm and I get to choose household appliances because I am the one who uses them the most. Might ask Dh his opinion but ultimately I choose. He doesn’t really care though so I guess that’s the difference. We split all money equally and give ourselves equal and separate spending money from the main pot. Been married nearly 15 years now.