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His Money, His Decision.

245 replies

lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 04:51

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Nonmaquillee · 06/04/2021 09:27

You need equal access to and control of your joint finances.
Big purchases should only ever be made jointly.

Crowsaregreat · 06/04/2021 09:29

It's not his money. If you're a SAHM then as a family you have decided you will do the house stuff to enable him to work. You are essential to his ability to work. You make an economic contribution to the household and are entitled to make financial decisions. If it came to a divorce, a judge would certainly not say it was your DH's money as he earned it.

I wouldn't want to be with someone like this in the first place, but if I was then I'd take a job so I had some financial autonomy.

GirlofInkandStars · 06/04/2021 09:41

Can I comment as someone who is/has been in the position of relying on a partners income. He is being completely unreasonable!

For larger purchases then we would consult each other to make a shortlist. If it is a choice between two options that we are both happy with and he wants the more expensive option then normally I would be happy with that - unless I think it is actually a waste of household money.

For smaller things we each have our own access to the joint account - and have free rein up to an agreeed ceiling. After that then we need to consult.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2021 09:41

Just leave. No-one should be treated like this in their own home. A line has been crossed. Even if you do go back to work the damage has been done.

FictionalCharacter · 06/04/2021 09:42

PP are saying get a job, but that might not stop him doing this. My husband does it from time to time. I’m not a SAHM and I earn more than him. I think it’s mainly thoughtlessness in his case - he thinks “fridge broken, must get new fridge!”

thebillyotea · 06/04/2021 09:43

A partner is supposed to lift you up and make you happy.

I couldn't be in a relationship where I am treated like an inferior. I really couldn't.

My very first step would be to get a job and become financially independent. I don't agree with the ridiculous "pack your bags and leave" , in real life it's nonsensical, but getting a job should be your absolute priority.

Meowchickameowmeow · 06/04/2021 09:46

I wouldn't really care about the appliances, I have no interest in researching and specific functions. However, if he has this attitude to everything then of course he's an arse.
Do you have access to any money?

Triffid1 · 06/04/2021 09:47

He is being unreasonable. In a situation like this, I think it's very easy. Either you go back to work OR, if he feels that the money he earns is his money, point out that you are also working by looking after kids and home and therefore you now expect to be receiving a salary accordingly.

Of course, neither of these things are really going to help because clearly he thinks he's the Big Man and In Charge and therefore your best case scenario is that you go back to work and earn so much money that you can choose what to buy, when, pay for childcare etc but you'd still have to do all this stuff for yourself.

I have no obvious solutions but I'd be raging. Oh, and I have been the majority breadwinner for my entire relationship with DH and decisions on purchases are usually made by the person who has the most focus on such things. I do kitchen because I am the cook. DH decides on entertainment/electricity/water etc because he's at home, pays attention and knows what we need and should pay. Ditto technology.

Oldbutstillgotit · 06/04/2021 09:56

Those saying “ get a job” - it doesn’t miraculously solve everything. Ok OP will have some money but it may not help the domestic situation. My DSD is married to a “ my money, my decisions type “. He didn’t want DSD to work ( control thing) and refused her access to his account . Eventually she got a part time job when he refused to pay for washing machine repairs because he said she wasn’t using it properly but he still makes the major decisions as her wage is so low.

SaveWaterDrinkGin · 06/04/2021 10:00

But it’s not ‘his’ money. I’m a SAHM and my husbands income is OUR income. Same way I look after OUR house and OUR children while he’s at work. This also translates to the house and children being his responsibility too when he’s not at work.

Is he like this with all expenditure? He sounds like a massive dick to be honest. That’s not how a partnership should work.

feelingfree17 · 06/04/2021 10:04

Sorry, but it is clear you have taken on the SAHM job with the wrong man. He doesn’t see you as part of the team or an equal. He brings in the money, so sees himself as top dog. I bet you do everything too, as of course he is far too important to be getting involved with child rearing and domestic work. You need to be getting a job or taking this time to re-train. He wii, in turn have to do a bit of the drudge as you tell him, sorry, but I am off to work/college. He might just get a small glimpse of just how valuable the role you have agreed to is, and what damned hard work it is. I am now out the other side, and now have a job, but not before I gave years of SAHM. Basically made his life a breeze as I was expected to do everything and he gave me zero respect. Please do not let this become your life.

Oldbutstillgotit · 06/04/2021 10:05

@ SaveWaterDrinkGin
I agree but sadly many men don’t. My DSD has tried to explain for years that she has looked after the house, DC , animals etc but he flatly refuses to budge.

TheABC · 06/04/2021 10:19

Huge alarm bells here. It's not just about appliances, but life in general. Do you have access to the savings? Your own pension? Is there adequate life insurance and are you on the house deeds? (TBF, if you are married, that last will be taken care of).

If he's saying "my money, my way" now, what will it be like when you are older? It's not good.

Bluntness100 · 06/04/2021 10:20


The op needs to explain why she’s in this situation.

The situation is that the OP is a SAHM with a husband who doesn't seem to understand the concept of partnership.

Whether parents divide responsibilities by time or by person is irrelevant. Income and leisure time should be joint assets in the partnership.

You’ve missed the point, the point is she says it’s been like this for years, so the onus is to understand why she is permitting this to go on, if she had a job and earned her own money she could buy appliances or anything else she wished.

He’s not going to change, it’s always been like this, so understanding why she is allowing it continue, particularly as it seems her children may be adults. So unless disabilities she maybe could have returned to work and put a stop to this many years ago. Or even ended the marriage.

She’s not going to change him, she needs to take control and make the change herself. Also if the children are adults, I’m not sure she is a stay at home mum, unless there is as said, disabilities or something at play here.

Hence the request for the op to explain further.
Rukaya · 06/04/2021 10:21

Please don’t do this job title thing in real life. It’s immensely tedious

Not as tedious as people who tell others what to don in this sanctimonious and condescending way. And who don't understand the point made anyway Hmm

frazzledasarock · 06/04/2021 10:26

I would look at trying to get a job.

Long term I’d be making plans to LTB.

In our household we both decide together what to buy, if one of us really wants a specific brand we’ll get that. If one of us is going to use it more that person gets to decide.

ComDummings · 06/04/2021 10:30

His attitude is horrible OP. I’m a SAHM and all money is family money, when I work again it will all continue to be shared equally. Any large joint purchases we discuss, always have done, that’s just considerate when you’re in a relationship. I’m not sure what you can do though OP as you say your husband has always been of the opinion that his income is not family income so you get no say. I don’t think you can magically change him.

Brindisi32 · 06/04/2021 10:34

Your husband is being ignorant because he's spending the money. You're the one using mainly using these appliances so you need input.

elaboratethen · 06/04/2021 10:34

It's hard to put myself in your shoes as I've always worked and always had independence from my partner. And always spent my own money how I choose. All household purchases are discussed between us both before any decisions are made.
Op I couldn't live like that.
You need to take back decisions/control. This, if it hasn't already, will eventually backfire spectacularly.
I'd start with trying to go back to work

wheretonow123 · 06/04/2021 10:37

You should make a stand as this will continue of not.

Bring it back to the shop and see if they will take a trade in and add the money to make the difference to the one you want. If you can take it out of the money he pays for weekly shopping over a few weeks.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 06/04/2021 10:38

OPs DH is a dick but we need to understand why she’s in a situation where she has no control over finances or her own money as her children are well beyond school age.

Not saying this is the OPs situation but I know two long term SAHM who’ve both got school aged kids. When the kids were tiny they literally couldn’t wait to give up work. Both were the main drivers in becoming SAHP and had to convince their DHs to do it.

When the kids became older the story started to change with them saying that their DHs were the main drivers. One of them was recently complaining about having to move for DHs work and having given up her career because of him. He wanted her to go back to work but she refused. The other is complaining that her DH works all the time and has little time for the family.

Maybe OPs DH wanted her to work and she refused and so he’s pissed off and resentful?

Viviennemary · 06/04/2021 10:39

Procurement Manager Grin. How ridiculous.

ForTheLoveOfWine · 06/04/2021 10:39

YANBU but you know that already

You have two choices - leave him and find someone who treats you as an equal or stay with him in the knowledge this is what he is

Crunchymum · 06/04/2021 10:40

Sorry to derail but what is STAHM ?

I have seen it on a few threads now? I know what SAHM is and that this is a variation but what does the "T" stand for?

notapizzaeater · 06/04/2021 10:41

Has he any redeeming features ? What was his reason fir overriding your choice ? Tbh I can't imagine my DH ever having an opinion on any sort of household goods, yet alone make a decision alone.

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