His Money, His Decision.

[lealea6366]

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

[ChessieFL]

They’re just using ST as the abbreviation for stay, instead of just the S. it still means stay at home mum.

[Crunchymum]

Cheers @ChessieFL

[mamas12]

Okay then
If it’s his money and his choice then it’s his chore
Don’t use the vacuum ask around on fb or free cycle for the one you want he’ll see it’s a waste of money then and just tell him you would have used the one you wanted if you had been consulted

[RedcurrantPuff]

@Waxonwaxoff0

I'd be going back to work if I were you. No one should become a SAHM if their partner has this kind of attitude.

This.

He has no respect for you.

[Ohdeariedear]

Good grief. Just to be clear, the ‘procurement manager’ was a joke hence the ‘’. I’m not going to put it on my cv. 🤣. (It’s got much better things than that on it anyway)

[Okbussitout]

He sounds like a dick. This isn't normal or something yuu do to someone you love. Sorry op.

[GlutenFreeGingerCake]

Even if the OP goes back to work she might not find it easy to get a job with equal pay to her husband. After all she has been out of the workforce for some time, not to mention the gender pay gap that is still an issue. Does she have to earn exactly equal or more than him before her thoughts on household equipment she is the one to use get taken into account? Or will her husband still be a sexist inconsiderate arse even if she earns twice his wage?

[Candyfloss99]

You can't be a SAHM with a man like this. Go back to work.

[Alsohuman]

I’m sure you know the answer - time to go back to work.

[RaginSpice]

Go back to work, you should have the first time he did that, he clearly doesn’t see you as a team so go get your own money instead of waiting for his

[Candyfloss99]

@GlutenFreeGingerCake

Even if the OP goes back to work she might not find it easy to get a job with equal pay to her husband. After all she has been out of the workforce for some time, not to mention the gender pay gap that is still an issue. Does she have to earn exactly equal or more than him before her thoughts on household equipment she is the one to use get taken into account? Or will her husband still be a sexist inconsiderate arse even if she earns twice his wage?

But then she can buy them herself she doesn't need to rely on him. Preferably after having left him.

[GlutenFreeGingerCake]

I bet his attitude is what yours is mine, but what's mine's my own. If she had a job her earnings would go into the family pot and she would probably still do the lions share of the housework and childcare.

[Zenithbear]

Definitely start job hunting. Your dh doesn't respect you or care about your opinions. It sounds like emotional abuse to me. You don't matter to him like you should.
If he doesn't start to change then I suspect his behaviour will erode any love you have.
You won't want to put up with that forever and you need to be prepared.

[Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear]

Being a SAHP doesn't work in your situation. I am a SAHM but DH considers all money to be family money. We each have an equal amount of spending money each month in our own accounts for luxuries (does not include household appliances). Everything else comes from joint money and we decide things together.

[Nanny0gg]

I was a SAHM for years. All decisions and purchases were joint as were the bank accounts.

Jobs were shared too. I was not the housekeeper.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I could definitely not live that way with that little control. If I were you I'd be going back to work and let him pay towards childcare

[ReceptacleForTheRespectable]

Your married and you have no real access to the household money or and no say in how it is spent. This is just plain wrong.

Get a job, and divorce him. You'll be better off.

[IlonaRN]

My boyfriend researches things, but we always discuss before purchasing.

Since he's chosen ones that you didn't want, he can now have sole responsibility for using them!

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Oh, bugger.



I've just found out that I'm the arsehole for buying all the household appliances, large purchases and kitchen equipment without asking DP's permission and having him choose (or say no) what ones he wanted because I'm the one working.


Thing is, if it were left to him, we wouldn't have any of those profligate luxuries like a vacuum cleaner, oven, washing machine or freezer.

[SpringtimeSummertime]

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Oh, bugger.

I've just found out that I'm the arsehole for buying all the household appliances, large purchases and kitchen equipment without asking DP's permission and having him choose (or say no) what ones he wanted because I'm the one working.

Thing is, if it were left to him, we wouldn't have any of those profligate luxuries like a vacuum cleaner, oven, washing machine or freezer.

DITTO!

My DH would boil kettle in a pan over an open fire if left to his own devices...

[SpringtimeSummertime]

BOIL WATER that should say!

[Devlesko]

It's not his money though, it's family money.
I've been a sahm for most of the time, no way would I have agreed to this.
He's financially abusive by the sounds of things, or at least on a power trip.
Time to find a job or ditch him. Pity you hadn't had enough years ago. Don't waste anymore time on him.

[Ohdeariedear]

I think the takeaway from this discussion (and another thread about sahm vs wohm) is that there’s no one way of doing it that is right for everyone, but whatever you do has to be right for you. The crucial thing is that both of you need to be in agreement and comfortable about how it works in your household. Clearly this is not the case in the OP.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Agree with everyone saying this is financial abuse and controlling behaviour.

I am also a SAHM but DH wouldn't dream of "just buying" a household appliance such as cooker, washing machine, vacuum cleaner etc., without my input.
When we first moved to Australia and were buying all new white goods, he suggested that we get a very basic washing machine purely based on price - he was swiftly disabused of the notion that that was in any way acceptable unless he wanted to do all his own laundry - so I got the machine I wanted that would do the washing appropriately (and yes, I do all the laundry). It's not a massively expensive one, just has more functions than your bare basic machine!

Anyway I think that your options include
a) refusal to use the machines that you don't want
b) getting a job if he hasn't made that impossible for you
c) getting everything in order to leave him so you can make your own choices in your own life.

I'd find his overbearing attitude absolutely unbearable, sorry.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Oh, bugger.

I've just found out that I'm the arsehole for buying all the household appliances, large purchases and kitchen equipment without asking DP's permission and having him choose (or say no) what ones he wanted because I'm the one working.

Thing is, if it were left to him, we wouldn't have any of those profligate luxuries like a vacuum cleaner, oven, washing machine or freezer.

That rather depends on whether or not he cares which machines he has. And whether, if he had expressed a preference, you ignored him and just bought what YOU wanted to anyway without discussion.