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AIBU?

His Money, His Decision.

245 replies

lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 04:51

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

campion · 07/04/2021 19:49

@MiddayMadDog

We are married. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. I get a say if I want a say. Don’t worry about such small insignificant things. Get out and enjoy your life instead of worrying which household appliances you own and who bought them
*@Whatamess582* But this is not at ALL the situation OP has described. What his is his. And it sounds like she doesn't really have anything at all. So of course she is worried. Its not about the appliance is it? Its about her being so worthless in his eyes that she gets no say even in the things in her domain as it is 'his money'. So he gets to decide what it is spent on even if they are things that he never uses as their use is her role. If you cannot see the power dynamic he is deliberately asserting over her....

Quite. It's about control, which isn't the basis for a marriage.

Advising her to get a full time job will just mean that she does everything at home,plus all the child stuff plus full time work. He won't step up and do his half as he's hardly left the 19th century yet.

She may as well get that full time job and then leave if he values her so little. That's one decision that'll surprise him
Rachand23 · 07/04/2021 19:49

Divorce time I think.

ladygindiva · 07/04/2021 19:50

Dp does this with any item that is functional eg cooker, new TV, which doesn't really bother me. But if there is any aesthetic value to it ( curtains, new settee etc) then I get to choose, as he knows I care more about those things.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/04/2021 20:00

@Dddccc

Wow hmmm I don't speak to my dh when I buy new stuff ie this week I bought a new dishwasher, hoover and fridge freezer never crossed my mind to discuss it as they were on the list of stuff we needed so when I had earned the extra cash I bought them

Apparently, our spouses need to

Start putting away every single penny they can.
Sell stuff and hide the money.
Do not leave without a plan.
Make a plan for a certain date and either kick us out or leave with the children.
Whatamess582 · 07/04/2021 20:03

@MiddayMadDog
Yes.... reading it again.. you’re right. It sounds like she doesn’t have anything. Which isn’t a nice position to be in. It’s unsettling and not secure.

I’m probably looking at it from a privileged position of having someone who really doesn’t exert that power over me and ask who will happily take the stuff I don’t want to spend my time doing off my hands (like researching and buying household equipment). And maybe household appliances for me aren’t a trigger...

That said if he bought the car I drive without consulting me I would hit the roof. If he is like that about everything no... you’re right. It’s wrong.

OP my apologies. It’s not at all a nice situation to be in. If you are that feeling mad about it, then you have two choices really. Tell him it’s not on and make an ultimatum... ‘it changes or we have a serious problem’, or try to find a way to change the situation yourself... earn some money, sell the items and buy what you want, or next time get the laptop out when he is there and tell him you should both order it together and he can pay for it online.

Personally I don’t like the idea of money being restricted in a relationship like that. Seems like he doesn’t want you to have access to it. Which is alarming. It’s either a trust issue or a manipulation/abuse tactic

Derkle · 07/04/2021 20:03

Uh no. Just no. He is being very unreasonable. Even if you are a sahm, you're still in a partnership with him, with divided duties.
His duty is to go and earn tangible money, your duty is to keep the house running smoothly. But you are still in a partnership.
My partner wouldn't dream of doing something like that, even if I was away and something broke I'd be getting a phone consult in the shop.
Even the tractor was in consultation with me.

Frazzledstar1 · 07/04/2021 20:18

My DP makes all the big purchases but he usually asks my input or opinions, for example we’ve just purchased a new bed and he showed me a couple he’d seen and asked what I thought and I showed him my preference.

Sometimes he’ll even ask me to choose if it’s something he’s not that interested in.

We do have quite different tastes though so if he really hated something I picked he’d probably overrule me lol.

I think you should still be included in the decision making process for even if he does choose in the end:

NameChange2PostThis · 07/04/2021 20:18

This is not normal. And saying ‘my money, my decision’ is being financially abusive.

I am a SAHM and I make all the household purchase decisions, some in consultation with my DH, but most are my sole choice. I also have direct access to our money. I think this is normal in single-earner households where there is mutual respect.

If your DH is not allowing you direct access to family money, he is abusing you - and a new vacuum cleaner is the least of your problems.

You need to talk to your DH and challenge this behaviour. It is unacceptable. If he won’t change, you need to think about your future. Number 1 in your action plan should be to get a job. You cannot be a SAHM without shared finances.

Good luck.

ShellieEllie · 07/04/2021 20:21

Where are you @lealea6366?

Northernlassie1974 · 07/04/2021 20:26

Urgh,

Some of these comments are shocking. Some people are totally missing the point here.
I really don't think it's complicated. A marriage/relationship is a partnership. If you want children as a couple, then you either pay for child care and share the housework if both working full time, or, one of you sacrifices/postpones your career to look after the children and the house. I don't understand that the earner 'gives an allowance' or chooses how money is spent. Its joint money. My friend was a SAHM in a similar relationship, had no say in how money was spent including down to holidays and any household spending. She was 'given' a budget per month to feed the family and had to cope on that for all of them. He earns a fortune so defo squirrels alot away. She was pretty much a skivvy to his exacting standards. She now works full time....and is still a skivvy. She doesn't earn much...after all, she didn't work for the past 8 years while looking after their children (which he very much wanted...she wasn't keen on having number 3 but he was) so didn't progress in her career. He expects her to live off her meagre salary, doesn't give 'an allowance' and expects her to be eternally grratful he pays the mortgage......which is in his name.
I mean, it's not right on any level. It simply isn't a partnership.
I'm saying all this as a person who earns double what her husband earns. We both work full time. Both our salaries go into a joint pot. We share the housework. When I worked part time for a period, I did the house work/childcare on the days I was at home, other days it was 50/50. There was a period he worked 4 days, on the day he was home he did it all.
OP, each to their own. Your relationship does not sound fair. You aren't at home having a jolly and he's doing you a favou, you're looking after the household.
You sound unhappy. In your situation I'd be having a serious talk. Options are:1. money is 50/50, total transparency and joint decisions. 2. You go back to work, child care is paid for from your joint income, housework shared 50/50 (if both full time) 3. You end the relationship, get a job and your money is your own.
Sending hugs and a virtual hand hold, big changes afoot I think from the tone of your post.

Darbs76 · 07/04/2021 20:27

It definitely sounds like there’s bigger issues at play here rather than just the appliances. I am single now but did at one stage share a bank account with my ex and at that point we didn’t earn massively different but I had some debts he had paid off and he never let me forget that. When I took 6 months unpaid Mat leave unplanned with our first child it was horrendous, when I had our DD I saved up to endure I still paid my share of the bills and could buy what I wanted as he would have driven me mad. We didn’t have our joint account for long which meant he saved most of his salary as I always bought stuff for the kids and food so when we split he had a nice pot of savings. I just simply couldn’t rely on a man financially, I’ve always worked and had my own career, I just couldn’t live a life where I have to ask for things or worse am not even consulted. Everyone’s saying leave, assume it’s not that easy if you’re not working but I do hope you can sort things out one way or another

Beeme29 · 07/04/2021 20:40

No... Here Dp is main earner. He lets me make all the decisions when it comes to buying things for the house as long as it’s in budget of course. So YANBU.

Here Dp is pants at choosing things so he leaves everything to me on what to buy - not always a good thing as he often doesn’t input any preferences and I have no idea what to buy at times.

Worrysaboutalot · 07/04/2021 20:53

ATM I am a SAHM (through looking for work) and my DH works.

It depends on attitude. Some things we buy together, some separately. We usually discuss what we would both like in white goods.

He surprised me a couple of years ago by buying a much more expensive cooker than we had planned too, as he knew I wanted that particular one.

Recently he went out and bought a different hoover than the one I was favouring. But tbh his choice was much better than the one I liked, so I am happy.

I think your issue with your DH is more about his attitude and the fact he isn't considering you and your needs when making big purchases.

StartingAfresh21 · 07/04/2021 20:56

you are not unreasonable and he is not taking this marriage seriously. If you are a young married couple start making ground rules now.

DispensingShitAdviceSince2002 · 07/04/2021 21:00

I'm not sure, really.

I wouldn't have given a shit if XH had bought something, so long as it vaguely did the job. As it was, he would have obsessed for six months about what Which? said, while I'd have been using a washboard meanwhile.

My general feeling is that being SAHM is a massive privilege (I was one, for God knows how long), and a washing machine that you didn't choose is a small price to pay. They all do the job, really.

QuiteContraryMarie · 07/04/2021 21:06

YANBU.
I always see family income as just that, one big pot, whether both are working, whether one earns a lot more, whether one is a SAHP. Once mortgage and bills, savings etc are paid, the rest should be split. Any joint purchases should be discussed at the very least. Well that’s how we operate in our house.
It so happens that I like buying appliances and the like. So I’d do lots of research, then show my husband, ie, “we need a new washing machine, this one looks good, any thoughts?” But even though he doesn’t care, I’d always check first since ultimately it’ll be coming from our joint pot of money iyswim.

Phrowzunn · 07/04/2021 21:36

I’m a SAHM and I wouldn’t put up with that at all. That just wouldn’t happen. All of ‘his’ money gets paid into our joint bank account and is shared equally. I research and choose household appliances such as hoovers, washing machines and we pick one together. This sounds like a really unhealthy set up and not one that I would tolerate at all.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 07/04/2021 21:44

How old are your children?
Friends husband was very much a sahd - made sense as she earns far more, but she finally got a bit p'd off with it when the children were at secondary school.

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 07/04/2021 22:16

He’s a dickhead for sure

toiletbrushholder · 07/04/2021 22:35

Very controlling of him, totally unreasonable

Harmonypuss · 07/04/2021 23:02

@WhoWh0 .... I'm most definitely there with you on the theory of 'he bought it, it's his, he can use it, now his job not hers' !

Ibizafun · 07/04/2021 23:09

My dh makes the money but I have made it abundantly clear that we have equal say in purchases eg art for the house after he made quite a few unilateral decisions.

He’s happy with me making decisions about home decor (wishful thinking on his part as I’m not very decisive!) but it has to be said that with large long term investment although he’ll ‘consult’ me, it’s his call.

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 08/04/2021 00:15

@lealea6366

He is not being helpful, his attitude is definitely my money, my decision. It's been like that for as long as we've been married, and I've had enough.

The problem is, he has always done this and you have always let him get away with it. Did he show these tendencies before you married him? Maybe it was a compromise worth making, for the security.

Why is it suddenly bugging you?

Do you sit down and talk about things like this?
Wearywithteens · 08/04/2021 00:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Mamanyt · 08/04/2021 00:34

I hope you have had a discussion with him about this. If not, do so now. If you have, and he simply does not listen, you may have to resort to telling him, "Look, if you do not talk with me about purchasing appliances for the house, YOU will be the one using them!" And be prepared to back that up!

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