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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

513 replies

Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:09

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 06/04/2021 01:13

I understand the good intentions but of course yabu! She'll have noticed them, you drawing attention to it will just make her feel self conscious and if she's told you that this is in fact how your reminders are making her feel, stop now and just let her get on with it.

Let her come to you if and when she wants your help and advice. Puberty can be a shock, she'll adjust to it in her own time.

badatcrochet1996 · 06/04/2021 01:17

Well you've probably already done some damage so stop immediately

Sorka · 06/04/2021 01:17

Ouch your poor daughter! She will know she has stretch marks and that her body has developed. She must be so upset to have her Mum pointing it out and the flaws on her body. Agree with your partner - you will be giving her a complex. And stop telling her to shave her legs - she will if and when she wants to!

AlexaShutUp · 06/04/2021 01:18

I agree, your intentions are obviously good but I don't think this is helpful to her right now. She will interpret it as you finding fault with the way she looks.

Tbh, the bigger issue though is how withdrawn she seems to be. It's very unusual for a 14yo not to go anywhere independently. Are there SEN which are causing this? If not, have you sought professional advice on how to help her? It sounds concerning.

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 06/04/2021 01:18

YABU. I don't think it is helpful to point out her stretch marks and to nag her about applying the oil. This could lead to her having more issues with her stretch marks than actually helping her. Constantly pointing them out and reminding her they exist probably makes then seem like a bigger issue than they are. Stretch marks are really nothing for her to be concerned about.

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 06/04/2021 01:19

Them*

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 01:22

DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it.

Yet...

She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.

You keeping on reminding her is making a big deal about it, especially to a 14 year old. If this were a matter of proper hygiene, then keeping on her would be appropriate, but it's not, not even close. Stretch marks are a perfectly normal occurance, in males and females, and not something to be made to feel poorly about.

You really need to back off.

sticktomygun · 06/04/2021 01:22

Christ, can you back off policing and fixing everything you think is wrong with the young girl's developing body?

You are definitely giving her a complex, ffs.

Laeta · 06/04/2021 01:24

My daughter has just had a quick growth spurt and I noticed some horrendous stretch marks on her legs. She's an athlete so wears shirts all the time.

I absolutely did not mention it, no way! She's obviously aware, she a 15 year old girl. So why mention it, they will fade in time. In fact I'm proud she appears not be bothered about it.

I also noticed she had terrible acne on her forehead, again I did not mention it until she did. We then discussed ways she may be able to keep it under control better.

I want my kids to be positive about their bodies. I read years ago about them copying your hang ups. So sometimes before I go out, I look in a full length mirror and say "Oooo my legs look good in these jeans" or some other compliment about my body.

I can't tell you how unnatural it feels but believe it certainly has made my daughter confident in her own body. But who knows? Parenting teens is so difficult!

Maria53 · 06/04/2021 01:25

When I got stretch marks at that age my mum bought me bio oil and said it might help if I applied it. It was completely optional and she never mentioned it again. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didnt.

It has been proven again and again that next to nothing cures them. By 15 those stretch marks were silvery white and didnt affect me. I wouldnt mention it again.

Laeta · 06/04/2021 01:25

Wears *shorts all the time

Eachpeachpears · 06/04/2021 01:26

I've had stretch marks since my teens. I don't give a shit about them.
Yabu to out your feelings about stretch marks on your daughter. Not everyone cares about them, I certainly don't!

TheVelvetiser · 06/04/2021 01:37

My mum made a big deal of my stretch marks when I was teen and was fond of the expression 'thunder thighs'; I was a size ten. It won't surprise you to hear that we no longer speak.

Pinkyavocado · 06/04/2021 01:41

YABU!

If she asks for something to help then fair enough but to buy her something for them, especially as it’s not going tondonanythingvanywat, is shocking!

Pinkyavocado · 06/04/2021 01:42

*to do anything anyway

SnarkyBag · 06/04/2021 01:43

DS has major stretch marks across his back I bought him some bio oil at his request. I have no idea if he uses it or not that’s his business. I’m also ignoring the pathetic looking moustache he’s got going on at the minute but seems rather proud of Hmm he has shaving gear (again at his request but seems to have decided a dodgy tache and mullet is on point at the minute!)

I think you need to step back about your DD’s physical appearance and focus on the emotional side of things

Einszwei · 06/04/2021 01:47

YABVVU ... your poor DD. Nearly every woman has stretch marks - who cares?! Why are you so invested in your daughter's appearance? Do you have underlying self image issues?

Topseyt · 06/04/2021 01:47

Leave her alone. Yes, you are drawing attention to what you perceive as her imperfections.

I've got many stretch marks, both from teenage growth spurts and from pregnancy. Nothing at all stops them from happening and nothing cures them. They will just fade to barely noticeable silvery lines over time.

Sod the bio oil. If she wants to use it she will, but if she doesn't then she won't and that is fine too.

To be honest, if someone (anyone) else had remarked on my stretch marks and bought me bio oil I wouldn't have appreciated it at all. It would have felt like a violation.

InkyWinky · 06/04/2021 01:51

I hope you have taken on boards the comments OP.

Young people have enough body image issues without parents adding to them.

So please leave you child alone and wait for her to ask for your advice when she is ready to do so. Then when she asks you for advice, don't give her your hang ups about about stretch marks, body hair etc.

sergeilavrov · 06/04/2021 01:53

Please, please work on putting this right. Your pressure and judgement, however you meant it, has probably already impacted your daughter. Young women need support and confidence boosting around their choices - not pressure or reminders to make choices they don’t take themselves. I think your DH has the right idea, maybe you could ask him for some advice on how to ditch the subject altogether and reinforce her confidence.

My mum called me fat once in an argument, we lost touch for many years partly because of this, and I almost died from an ED in the meantime. Comments, no matter how infrequent, incorrect or gently framed have huge impact on young people. I now know my mum’s behaviour was a reflection of her own insecurities. Consider why you find stretch marks or leg hair so problematic, you might find the issue is closer to home than you initially realised.

Topseyt · 06/04/2021 01:55

Also, why are you at all bothered about whether or not she is shaving?

Some women shave and others don't. None of anyone else's business.

Original poster
Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:55

@TaraR2020 she genuinely hadn't
@AlexaShutUp no SEN issues, previous DV makes her clingy. No counselling available thanks to covid.
@thevelvetiser I have never criticised her weight and never would.
At no point did I say she was overweight, she definitely isn't

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:59

Out of interest, when did stretchmarks indicate overweight?

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 06/04/2021 02:01

Would you be happy if someone else - your DH perhaps - were so vigilant in encouraging you to correct your flaws?

Or would it just be really upsetting?

greatauntfanny · 06/04/2021 02:02

handholding is unusual at this age, OP. combined with lack of self-consciousness (no interest in shaving etc) and unwillingness to talk to people? have your daughter’s teachers or GP mentioned anything at all? I’d probably drop the stretch mark thing, by the way