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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

513 replies

Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:09

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 06/04/2021 02:52

I suspect that most commenting have never had a teenage girl.

I have a teenage daughter. She takes care over her appearance, but she certainly isn't obsessed with it, and that isn't all that she is interested in. Far from it.

It's a shame that you think they're all so shallow. They aren't.

Let the OP's dd develop at her own pace, there is no need to force this stuff on her.

toomanymondays · 06/04/2021 02:53

Hi OP

I know you probably have good intentions and are just trying to help how you think you should, but please please stop commenting on your daughter's stretch marks or body hair. As a teenager my mum made remarks about my acne every single day and it destroyed any self confidence I had. I despised myself and felt worthless. She only meant to be kind I'm sure and was trying to help I think but my self esteem was non existent and I would plead with her to stop saying it and she wouldn't. It really wore me down.

The stretch marks are completely normal and natural and I believe everyone has them. I remember seeing mine about the same age and being anxious about it though I never did anything about them, but they faded and then disappeared entirely after a couple of years.

Also I wouldn't be encouraging her to shave either, I just wouldn't mention it unless she is the one to bring it up. I started shaving far younger than any of my peers at only 8 (I did competitive swimming and thought I would be faster if I shaved my legs). There is nothing wrong with normal hair on a child's legs. I'm sick of societal pressure heaped on children (mostly girls if we're honest).

You have offered regarding the shaving already and she wasn't interested, so I wouldn't mention it again unless she asks for help first.

Your dd sounds like she already has extremely low self esteem and I truly believe your well meaning comments really won't help this at all and may cause additional issues. I'm sorry I know this isn't your intention you are just trying to help but it is just misjudged (of course we all make mistakes and just need to try correct them when they occur!). Instead I would concentrate on helping build up her self confidence and highlighting her strengths.

Doona · 06/04/2021 03:00

They are obsessed with their asses and six packs these days

Not the teen girls I know. I have never heard them talk about that even once.

But it would be different if they asked for advice, if course you would try to help. I agree with almost everyone else on this thread. Society will police her body. You don't need to join the pile on.

Messyplayallday · 06/04/2021 03:05

Oh god YABU!! My mother pointed out I had stretch marks on my breasts and thighs when I was a teen. Kept going on and on about them, here’s cream, don’t wear shorts, reminded me she had 3 kids and no stretch marks because she used creams etc it gave me a huge complex about my body. I stopped going swimming, wore trousers and always covered up. It was a miserable teenage life onwards.

At 36 I have just brought my first pair of denim shorts, I finally feel comfortable in my body - stretch marks and all - and all because I had my daughter 14 months ago and want her to see her mum comfortable, to see and hear my praise my strong body.
I wasn’t overweight as a teen, I had a big growth spurt which stretched my skin. I hate my mum for all the times she kept going on and on about my stretch marks.

therocinante · 06/04/2021 03:17

As someone who didn't speak to their mum for several years because of the damage she did 'helpfully' pointing out ways I could improve flaws that were merely cosmetic because she would have been self-conscious about them... STOP. Jesus Christ.

They're stretch marks. Not open wounds. If she isn't bothered leave it alone, your poor child has been repeatedly told by you that a completely normal thing that'll face anyway is something she needs to fix, to the extent you've almost medicalised it with the 'your cream' comment. I can't tell you how damaging that is.

I think you meant well but please, stop commenting on your daughter's appearance unless she asks you directly for help or she is at risk of harm (e.g. eating disorder) and/or causing problems for other people (teenage inclination not to shower etc).

Countrygirl2021 · 06/04/2021 03:23

She's clearly already got some mental health difficulties and you are making them so much worse. Listen to her dad and stop now. Tell her how amazing she looks and us instead.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/04/2021 03:26

I think I'm the sole voice supporting OP here!

I'm going on OP's own words here - she noticed her DD had stretch marks, has not commented negatively & has bought her Bio Oil to use, which she reminds her of.

I don't think that's awful. I also have a young teen DD. I think a teen (especially a shy one) won't know to say anything about stretch marks, or that possibly cream / oil will help.

I think if it's a practical gesture, no judgment, then it's fine.

A lot of posters are projecting their own memories of mothers who commented negatively about their weight or appearance. My mum didn't do this but was more hands-off than I'd have liked, and I was a bit clueless. I'd quite have liked some more involvement or suggestions in this area.

OP, I think as a practical step this is fine.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/04/2021 03:27

Tell her how amazing she looks

Maybe she does this as well? The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Ginandplatonic · 06/04/2021 03:29

They are obsessed with their asses and six packs these days

What, every teenage girl in the world?? Do you have a teen girl?? Because I know plenty who couldn’t care less about their “asses” and abs. My son’s 3 closest 16yo friends are obsessed with, respectively, anime/cosplay, human rights and musical theatre. They all shop in op shops for environmental reasons and none wear makeup or shave their legs. Clearly you have a very narrow world view.

OP your partner is right. Stop mentioning your daughter’s body NOW. And try really hard to undo the damage you have done. And the oil is pointless anyway - you either get stretch marks or you don’t and nothing makes the slightest difference. I got them as a teen, they faded to nothing, and then didn’t get them in 4 pregnancies. It’s genetic.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/04/2021 03:31

@NC4N

I read this thread to my DH. I didn't tell him what I thought, just read it and asked him what he thought.

'I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.'

His response? 'Well she's already made her conscious of her body.'

Just let that sink in for a moment. Two men (your partner and mine) who already have more of a clue than yourself about how this would make a young girl feel.

He did add that 'perhaps the reality of how she's going about things is different, but from how she's described it in her post, it's not right.'

Sorry OP but women shaming their daughters body has to stop, hence MY bluntess.

So glad we have got the male perspective on this 🧐

'Let that sink in for a minute'. Firstly, it doesn't matter at all what your DH thinks, on this thread, secondly, of course men, as humans, can formulate a view on how someone might be feeling (whether correct or otherwise). We don't have to think it's amazing or worth special attention.

ismiseeire · 06/04/2021 03:41

@Ginandplatonic

They are obsessed with their asses and six packs these days

What, every teenage girl in the world?? Do you have a teen girl?? Because I know plenty who couldn’t care less about their “asses” and abs. My son’s 3 closest 16yo friends are obsessed with, respectively, anime/cosplay, human rights and musical theatre. They all shop in op shops for environmental reasons and none wear makeup or shave their legs. Clearly you have a very narrow world view.

OP your partner is right. Stop mentioning your daughter’s body NOW. And try really hard to undo the damage you have done. And the oil is pointless anyway - you either get stretch marks or you don’t and nothing makes the slightest difference. I got them as a teen, they faded to nothing, and then didn’t get them in 4 pregnancies. It’s genetic.

You have an even narrower view. You think that they don't care about their appearance? That t-shirt precariously thrown over her, was probably searched for at length, bought at much expense and it takes a lot of effort to carry it off. The no makeup look? Ye, lots of makeup. You only have sons. I have a daughter. While her entire life is not consumed with her appearance, it sure as hell features. What does she love? Music. Does that preclude her putting her makeup on for Zoom calls? No. Is she now watching youtube videos about fitness? Yes (she has been in lockdown for a year). Does she spend half her life trying to style her hair? Yes. What grades does she get? A's. Is the other half of her life spent on facetime with her friends? Yes and preparation for same involves a shower, hair and makeup. Working on her core strength is ongoing lol.
ismiseeire · 06/04/2021 03:44

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Mummy1608 · 06/04/2021 03:47

Op yabvu, your poor daughter.

Children see their parents as the ultimate "safe spaces". If she learns that it's ok for her mum to be shallowly critical of her appearance, and controlling her to do things like hair removal, then she'll grow to tolerate this toxic behaviour from a partner.

Would you accept it if your dh spoke to you like this? Told his wife she needed to shave her legs or work on her stretch marks??! Shouldn't a mother be at least as kind and loving as a husband would be?

ismiseeire · 06/04/2021 03:50

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theyallfelldown · 06/04/2021 03:50

@Shitmotherright

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people. She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc. She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it. DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?' She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body. AIBU?
Teenage girls don't see their flaws until the one day they do, then they can't stop seeing them. You brought that day forward for her.

I'm sure you had good intentions, but you may well have set her up for a life of body issues. Stop mentioning the cream. Stop mentioning shaving.

Leave supplies like disposable razors, shaving cream and bio oil in accessible places (like an open box in the bathroom) so if she wants to hunt them down, she can. But don't tell her she should be using them. Let her decide if/when she wants to use them and if/when she wants to talk to you about it.

TBH, with social distancing, no one's going to notice she hasn't started shaving her legs unless she's particularly dark-haired.

ismiseeire · 06/04/2021 03:51

Hair removal from her legs is pretty typical! She'll be bullied otherwise at school. It is remiss of her mother/father (ideally mother) not to equip her with razor blades to shave her legs at least. She's probably too afraid to ask.

unwuthering · 06/04/2021 03:52

@ismiseeire

Oh I'll bow out not that we've had the male perspective. There's nothing left to be said! Now why did I not think of what he said first? Slams head against wall in hopes of engaging brain like a man. or headbutting a cunt like him
OP says: DP thinks I'm giving her issues... AIBU?

So it is the male perspective that is the actual (angry) OP's gripe. We women were supposed to tell "Shitmotheright" she was not being the least bit unreasonable.

Ginandplatonic · 06/04/2021 03:54

@ismiseeire that’s hilarious. You have a teenage daughter. That doesn’t qualify you to read the minds of every teen girl on the planet. It certainly doesn’t qualify you to have more insight into the teen girls I know than I do. Because, you know, I know them. I’m not as stupid as you appear to think. I can tell the difference between no makeup and lots of makeup. 😂 You are weirdly over-investing in wanting to think every teen girl is shallow and appearance obsessed. Trust me, some are not.

ismiseeire · 06/04/2021 03:57

You'd be surprised at the lengths my teen goes to, to appear casual. It's hard to rock the oversized sweater and jeans look.

LunaMuffinTop · 06/04/2021 04:03

YABU leave the poor girl alone you may think that you mean well but your just giving her a complex and making her body conscious stop reminding her about her stretch marks they don’t matter. I had terrible stretch marks at that age on my stomach I still do but they aren’t even noticeable I just left them alone because they never bothered me and I only ever got one comment about them someone thought I had scratches on my stomach I just brushed it off because I didn’t care then and I don’t care now stretch marks are a fact of life.

jessstan2 · 06/04/2021 04:04

I expect your daughter is well aware of her stretch marks. You say she has developed a lot recently but has she put on too much weight, ie become a bit fat? That is the usual reason for stretch marks. If she keeps fit and active and takes care of her skin, they will fade. I can remember having them as a young person but don't now. You've given her bio oil but please don't push her because that will make her self conscious. Vaseline Intensive Care lotion is also very good for keeping skin supple.

Your daughter will shave her legs when she feels ready, it's easy enough to do in bath or shower when you are lathered up, I doubt at fourteen she needs showing how to do it. I used to run the razor over mine (and armpits), every day in the bath and was always smooth. Just make sure she has a decent razor available.

Don't worry. Girls of her age usually develop extremely good hygiene practices and spend a lot of time messing about with their appearance, hair, clothes, etc, often with groups of friends (boys too but differently). It's all part of adjustment to being adult. Just leave her to it.

(You sound like a nice mum.)

JeffTheOracle · 06/04/2021 04:16

@ismiseeire

As a teen and an adult, I have never been attracted to men who lacked basic hygiene. The fit boys who smelled nice were IT. If he was sporty, intelligent and otherwise talented then he was God to me. A smelly, spotty, nerd never did it for me. As adults they are resentful.
I hope you've grown up a bit since then otherwise that seems like a pretty shallow outlook. It's not a given that the nerdy ones have poor hygiene, that's probably just an assumption you made
ismiseeire · 06/04/2021 04:27

Jeff, I think that I made it clear that I referred specifically to nerds with poor hygiene. Not all nerds.

mathanxiety · 06/04/2021 04:40

I have never criticised her weight and never would.
At no point did I say she was overweight, she definitely isn't

Maybe not in so many words, but you have definitely hinted at it.

.............
How long ago was the DV related trauma that she experienced?

Clymene · 06/04/2021 04:41

Why are you talking about the sort of boys you fancied at school @ismiseeire? Confused

You can get counselling for your daughter OP - yes the waiting times are long but it's available. Also there are online support services like Kooth if she would engage?

Please don't make her any more self conscious than she undoubtedly already is. Don't mention the stretch marks again