To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

Op you are getting a hard time here.I'd have loved my mum to have bought me creams for my stretch marks.Was desperate for someone to help me with my acne and got great pleasure teaching my teen how to shave her legs because no one taught me.I did wait for her to ask though.Buy her the stuff,leave it in the bathroom for her and give her the choice.

Bio oil does fuck all anyway. Nothing can ‘cure’ or prevent stretch marks. They just eventually fade a bit on their own.

think it's important to embrace our imperfections and accept them. That doesn't mean pretending they don't exist

Imagine making your teenage daughter believe that parts of her body are imperfect because of her skins natural response to a growth spurt in puberty.

I’m a little like you op. On the one hand I’m pleased that my dd seems oblivious to her hairy legs and facial hair, but on the other hand I’m worried her confidence will be destroyed by people comments, especially her peers at school. I boost her confidence by saying how beautiful, strong, healthy, fit she is etc, but at the same time I do ask if she ever want any help with facial hair etc, I’m here for her. It’s a learning curve. I don’t think you’re doing any damage by suggesting bio oil personally, it’s how you say it. My mum was awful to me about my weight as a teen and said horrendous things, I wouldn’t dream of speaking to my dd like that.

My SDs mother does this sort of thing, making her wear make up, be more ‘girly’, policing what she eats, telling her what to wear. She is an adult now and lives with us. She rarely sees her Mum as when she does there is always a comment about her appearance. Now she is with us she wears what she wants, makes her own choice about hair and make up and her spots are clearing up, probably as she is a lot more relaxed here.

Don't try and micromanage her. She will decide for herself when to shave her legs or equally she might never decide and carry on being hairy. It's her choice.

It was nice of you to buy her the bio-oil but that's your job done now. She will use it or not as she chooses.

Parents have to insist on some things like going to the dentist and basic hygiene but apart from those you should allow your child some autonomy. My daughters made their own choices about shaving/body treatments/sanitary protection etc. Quite often they didn't make the same choices I would have done. I sometimes offered my opinion and maybe recommended a product but they then made their own minds up. That's normal and appropriate. I didn't (and still don't) always follow my own mum's preferences either.

Is there a chance she's into, or would appreciate, the body positivity movement OP?

This isn't all about young women celebrating their curves, a la Lizzo, there are whole instagram communities celebrating hairy legs, stretch marks, birth marks, rosacea, textured skin etc.

I'm not naive enough to think the bod pos movement is a panacea, but young people who choose or are born with difference have a place now and their peers tend to be much more tolerant.

Also isn't Bio Oil just cheap shite mineral oil with a decent PR campaign? I'd stop wasting my money personally.

Stretch marks happen any time a body grows or changes rapidly. Sometimes this means weight gain or pregnancy, sometimes normal adolescent growth.

Absolutely nothing can be done about them. (Well, with weight gain you can try to avoid rapidly gaining weight if you're not doing it because you're pregnant/on medication/other unavoidable reason, but once the mark appears the work is done.) Cream doesn't prevent them, it doesn't heal them, it doesn't shrink them, it doesn't do a goddamn thing other than make your skin feel a bit softer. The marks happen at a layer of skin deeper than any cream can penetrate. Whether you get stretch marks or not in pregnancy is genetic, not because you dutifully rubbed yourself with something. I was a tiny skinnyarse child who got covered with thigh and arse stretchmarks as a teen when a woman's body hit me. I was still a skinnyarse thing with visible ribs, I was just growing up. I subsequently carried two babies to term in my 30s without using a single cream or acquiring a single new one.

YABU. The only thing it's necessary to do with teen stretchmarks is ignore them, because you can't do anything about them and they don't matter.

A 14 year old holding your hand and not going out on their own isn't the norm. I'd concentrate more on developing her confidence in this area rather than in her body image.

Have you forgotten what it was like to be a teenager OP?

Of course YABU.

Why on earth would you do this? Stretch marks are a normal part of many people's bodies (so is hair).

Your job as a mum is to build your daughter's confidence, not to make her feel insecure.

Stop passing your insecurities onto your daughter and work on accepting yourself so that you can teach her that her natural body is beautiful.

For Christ's sake stop it op. Stop hating your daughter's completely normal, natural body. Get some therapy to deal with YOUR body image issues and stop projecting them onto your poor DD. She will remember the comments and the fucking oil forever.

I think I'd maybe just have bought the bio oil, mentioned that it was there if she wanted to try and left it at that. Same with shaving, buy some razors and nice shaving foam and say they are in the bathroom drawer if she wants.

I only say this because as a teen I was mortified by the thought of asking my mum for this stuff and ended up using her razor rather than ask (not very hygienic!).

Definitely stop the reminders, she will just feel worse.

I’m 50 and I still remember every single comment my parents ever made about my looks growing up. They didn’t make many but I still remember them to this day.

Please don’t do this to your daughter. Listen to your DH.

I can imagine that she’s already very very aware of these changes. You don’t need to point them out.

If anything she needs you to be boosting her confidence.

My first bf wasquite a big guy and had stretch marks he told me they were scars from where he was slashed at with a knife and I believed him 🙈 YANBU If you can get them to fade now it's for the best, she isn't going to like them in the future is she.

I have stretch marks when I suddenly grew at 14 (got breasts overnight). My mum made me feel like a freak I grew up with many problems with how I look. I'm now 36 my mum is still the same. I have recently lost allot of weight and she saw my stomach and cried and said I looked hideous, all the while saying I'm either too big or too small ( was size 18 gone down to a size 10) I have had issues since 15 so has my sister. Her anorexia is so bad she had to go to hospital 3 times for 6 month periods. Not saying you are like this obviously. But if your daughter is happy don't mention them, unless she asks for help. Stretch marks are completely normal.

OP have you taken any of these comments on board?

YABVU and I actually can’t believe you think your behaviour is acceptable. You’ve literally told her with your actions that her stretch marks (and stretch marks in general) are a flaw which need to be treated. I’m sure you never meant to upset her or make her feel bad but you need to stop what you’re doing immediately before it does any more damage.

My mother was the type to call me hefty during puberty and would not shut up about correcting my appearance. It gave me a huge complex. She comnents on her granddaughters now and I have to tell her to be quiet. I also have had stretch marks since puberty and my mum would make comments and tell me to cover them up. They got worse during pregnancy but I've learned to not ket them bother ne now.

I vowed, based on my experiences, not to make a huge deal about appearances with my daughter. I made a mistake once to get her an electric shaver and she looked at me as if she wanted to rip my head off. Quite rightly too. Its up to her what she chooses to do with her body. It's hers and no-one else's.

Not every woman has to shave and not every woman hides their stretch marks. Especially this generation of teens. She's old enough that she's probably seen body positive content online and has made her own decisions. Are you ashamed of her body? She will be picking up on this and it won't help her self esteem.

[quote willowsway]@Mousetown yes, self care habits. Much better than foul mouth habits. Not once did I say stretch marks are unhygienic or the other things you said in your rant.
Self care isn't just hygiene you know.
Perhaps you should give it a try. It might make you less angry. [/quote]
I was not just referring to just your post but to all the other pp stating similar rubbish.

When you start referring to “self care habits” when pointing out a teenagers stretch marks you are falling down a slippery slope. Language is important.

If you can get them to fade now it's for the best

They'll fade by themselves. Cream will do absolutely nothing to hasten the process.

Asking if she has put the cream on is making it a thing. Leave her alone.