To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

You are pointing out a perceived flaw in your DD's body

How would you feel if your daughter reminded you to put your bra on cause your old lady boobs are saggy?

Or if your daughter reminded you to wear a longer dress because your cellulite is showing?

Or if your husband reminded you to book in a facelift because your face is becoming old & wrinkly?

Your ignorance at your effect on your daughter's emotional wellbeing is astounding.

You should be ashamed but I have a feeling you're coming to come back with zero self reflection & say you're only "helping".

You sound like my narcissistic mother who nitpicks & criticises under the guise of "helping"

YABVU.

Whatever you think you're doing, in the end you're criticising her body.
And about something that is natural.

And bio oil doesn't work.

And I have massive surgical scars on my legs that I had aged 12-14. Stretch marks are nothing. Think what messages you are giving her.

Everyone has growing stretch marks they fade, they're not a big deal.
Leave it in regards to shaving etc she sounds very innocent too, the teddy and holding hands I'd let her decide if or when she is ready.
If you're worried about her anxious behaviour or level of maturities see your gp.

You are being insensitive and disrespectful.

[quote Shitmotherright]@TaraR2020 she genuinely hadn't
@AlexaShutUp no SEN issues, previous DV makes her clingy. No counselling available thanks to covid.
@thevelvetiser I have never criticised her weight and never would.
At no point did I say she was overweight, she definitely isn't[/quote]
So according to you, she hadn't noticed them, and now, because of you, she has, and has something to feel insecure about. Great. Happy? Why on earth would you even do that, give your daughter an insecurity that she was blissfully unaware of, if you are to be believed? Sorry but that's horrendous.

As a woman who got stretch marks first at the back of my knees, then elsewhere as a young girl, I can very much bloody assure you she has noticed. And now she knows you have (which means other have) too. Difference was my mother didn't notice them, I asked my mother for something to try and help them, she bought me bio-oil, and left it to me. It didn't help. I fucking hated them and stopped wearing shorts, or any clothing that showed them.

If you don't stop now, it's quite likely this is what is going to end up happening with her.

You are teaching your daughter to have self esteem issues, and projecting your ideals of the female form on to her. Leave her alone.

Considering she is a very, (and I actually mean extremely) shy and withdrawn girl, do you think drawing attention to 'flaws' she needs to correct is a sensible thing to do? I mean really think about that for a minute.

Perhaps you should be working on building her self esteem in other ways, that doesn't include pointing out things she needs to change about her body.

Sorry but woman to woman here I cannot understand how you have been this thoughtless.

'Out of interest, when did stretchmarks indicate overweight?'

My DH is v overweight he has stretch marks.

And out of all the posts that's what you're focussing on? Getting antsy because some posts assumed she was overweight?

You need to relax about her body.

Do you have issues? Not being mean but this must have come from somewhere.

@greatauntfanny evidently you haven't tried to access GP/school/counselling in the past year.
Not happening

She's 14. She's been in this weird Corona time. She's gone from little girl to grown woman in a year. Some people are shy.

I mean that's not gp stuff surely?

What sort of things do you/ the family do with her OP?

Hobbies and fun and that

Leave it. Stop the reminders, if it bothers her she'll use it, if she's not bothered she doesn't need her mother pointing out she has to fix herself. Which I understand that's not what you mean, but it's how it can feel.

My daughter was the same with the very fast changes and has a few stretch marks herself, instead of doing what my mother did to me and teaching my body her body is for other other people to enjoy and that people don't like seeing stretch marks or hair on females, we talked about what SHE feels comfortable with and ways of dealing with people rude enough to comment on her body. Nobody has ever said anything bad to her but she's got a load of comebacks ready if they do.

She's 16 now and could not give a fuck if some stretch marks or leg hair are on show. I wish my own mother did the same and maybe id have been able to look in the mirror without criticising myself. I'm in my 40s and since puberty, not once have I been able to look at myself naked or dressed without looking for bits to criticise myself for.

It's a shame that she hasn't been able to access counselling, OP. Hopefully, that is something that you will be able to pursue now that things are starting to open up. I'm sorry that she (and presumably you) had to deal with DV issues.

I would encourage you to take a step back from worrying about the physical stuff for now, and focus instead on building her confidence and emotional wellbeing.

Leave the poor kid alone. You’re worrying about people pointing out her flaws, so you're pointing them out so she can fix them - it’s utter madness and quite cruel.

FWIW my DD is pretty ambivalent about removing leg hair. Sometimes she does it and sometimes she leaves it. I thought it was some kind of feminist statement so I’ve never mentioned it, but recently she pointed it out herself and then said she just can’t be bothered. And who can blame her?

Bloody beauty regimes to try and make your teenage body conform to some misogynistic ideal should be left back in the dark ages so that our girls can grow up free from a life of passivity and objectification. How much headspace do they have to devote to how they look compared to their brothers? Why should the perfectly natural signs of growing up and developing be made into some shameful problem that needs fixing before someone notices?

I think posters, including myself, are using examples about weight because it’s a comment on bodies and affects self-image, not necessarily implying your daughter is overweight. Your focus on this issue is misguided, and distracts from the issue at hand - how are you going to work to reverse damage caused to your daughter’s self image, and avoid doing this in the future?

I read this thread to my DH.
I didn't tell him what I thought, just read it and asked him what he thought.

'I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.'

His response? 'Well she's already made her conscious of her body.'

Just let that sink in for a moment. Two men (your partner and mine) who already have more of a clue than yourself about how this would make a young girl feel.

He did add that 'perhaps the reality of how she's going about things is different, but from how she's described it in her post, it's not right.'

Sorry OP but women shaming their daughters body has to stop, hence MY bluntess.

@NiceGerbil yes. Loads of 'hobbies and fun and that' Totally accessible. are you ok?

You sound more bothered about the stretch marks than she does. You are projecting your own feelings of body shame onto her.

Honestly, if my mum did that to me at that age I would have probably shut myself in my room and cried, then spent years obsessing over it.
Fuck the bio oil, it doesn’t work. Stretch marks are a normal part of growing up and will fade over time.

There’s a future eating disorder or BDD right there

Why are you asking me if I'm ok?

Just reread your post and can’t get over the “have you put your cream on?” comment.

Fucking hell.

DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'

Your partner is right. You mean well, but you must stop.

I think your best bet in terms of her looks is to let your daughter develop in her own time and not push/mention aesthetic things, but rather be there to guide and advise if and when she comes to you.

If you feel your daughter is socially struggling (holding your hand, not speaking to people), it’s something to keep an eye on but no easy answer, especially in covid times when everyone is a bit messed up. Maybe give it six months/a year and if you feel she’s still in the same position, look into getting some support (which as it sounds like you know, might take some time in itself). In the meantime talk to her but I would avoid putting any pressure on her right now.

I suspect that most commenting have never had a teenage girl.

They are obsessed with their asses and six packs these days. Unless I put on Tiny Pop, that's the media they consume. Tits, ass, fashion.

She could of course be a child more into National Geographic, but it's doubtful.

For a teen not to be into shaving her legs or armpits is unusual. I would buy her the nice razors, hang on until I can link

Something like this gillettevenus.co.uk/en-gb/shaving-products/womens-razor/refillable-razors/venus-comfortglide-snap-spa-breeze-razor/

You don't have to teach her how to shave her legs. There will be a youtube video.

oh and I love cocoa butter for preventing stretch marks. Have no stretch marks from pregnancy.

"Have you put your cream on?" is policing her body, and reminding her of its apparently unacceptable awfulness in your eyes.

Fuck me, there is an eating disorder/shame-based bad choices/young woman's self-esteem ruined for the next X decades, etc, being born right there.

Oh, and she's hairy - you're chomping at the bit re mentioning that, also!

Your partner is right. Adolescence is hard enough without this invasive and inappropriate shit.

Her body. Her self.

Body criticism during puberty can last with you forever; I'm in my 30's and still remember as a teen an aunt commenting on stretch marks on my body and how she couldn't believe I would wear a bikini in public.

I was a size 8 and grew 20cms in a short time, there wasn't much of me to stretch in height before my skin gave way!

This was a once off comment and it made me feel ashamed of my body for years.

Bio oil does nothing; better off to save your money. Marks will slowly fade. I would be more concerned about damaging your daughter's state of mind and body confidence.

Likewise with shaving, it's her body and her decision. I think it's ok to buy the products, and store in the bathroom where your daughter can access. She might also want some privacy and not want you to teach her how to use.

You need to let her be and to have ownership of her body and her choices. If you want to pay for bio oil and razors great, but stop telling her what to do.