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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

513 replies

Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:09

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/04/2021 06:59

@TheStoic

If she wanted to use the cream, she wouldn’t need reminding.

Stretch marks and hairy legs are not health issues, or hygiene issues. They are image issues.

You’ve created a problem for her that didn’t previously exist anywhere other than in your own head.

Did your mother do that to you?

This comment is spot on!

My DD inherited my hairiness. I kept my gob shut. She did her own research and uses home waxing (as do I).

Motnight · 06/04/2021 07:02

Op, you have bought her oil and razors. Now leave her to it! The only thing that you need to be reminding your dd to do re HER body is wear sunscreen.

As a young woman your dd will become used to her body being commented on negatively. Unfortunately. Don't add to it.

Lots of presumption going on in this thread and have to say that I am seeing more and more threads where posters ask their husbands what they think and then post it as if it is the holy grail. It is really not!

Motnight · 06/04/2021 07:03

Op, you have bought her oil and razors. Now leave her to it! The only thing that you need to be reminding your dd to do re HER body is wear sunscreen.

As a young woman your dd will become used to her body being commented on negatively. Unfortunately. Don't add to it.

Lots of presumption going on in this thread and have to say that I am seeing more and more threads where posters ask their husbands what they think and then post it as if it is the holy grail. It is really not!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/04/2021 07:03

Out of interest, when did stretchmarks indicate overweight?

They do, always have done. My husband put on a lot of weight and got stretch marks around his hips and tops of thighs

I disagree - when I was 5' 3" and weighed six and a half stones I had stretch marks on the top of my things and my bum. I was very thin, but I had stretch marks.

Ivy48 · 06/04/2021 07:08

Leave her be, I had severe stretch marks on my legs, hips and breasts as a teen. Never used anything and now their little white/silvery lines. They’ll disappear over time. She obviously isn’t bothered if you’ve given her a solution and isn’t using it. Don’t press the issue anymore or she will have a complex about it

Mumoblue · 06/04/2021 07:15

Getting her bio oil was fine, because she can decide whether or not she cares to use it. She decided not. Leave her be.

Also weird that some people think stretch marks = overweight. I got stretch marks at 17 when my hips seemed to explode out of nowhere, and I was so thin you could see my ribs!

I’ve never been bothered by my stretch marks either. Not everyone cares about them.

mynameiscalypso · 06/04/2021 07:17

There's an inherent assumption in a lot of the posts supporting the OP that stretch marks and/or not shaving are 'bad' or 'unhygienic'. WTF? Her body, her choice.

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 06/04/2021 07:19

Bio oil does nothing for stretchmarks. It's not like you're helping her cure them, you're just giving her a complex. By the time she's old enough to be bothered they'll have faded on their own anyway!

stairway · 06/04/2021 07:21

Bio oil does nothing. Stretch marks aren’t a big deal anyway when they fade.

NC4N · 06/04/2021 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Francescaisstressed · 06/04/2021 07:24

Your teaching her stretch marks are something to be ashamed of, when loads of women have them.
Buying bio oil and reminding her all the time is like saying there's something wrong with her body and they shouldn't be there, causing her to dislike them.
I get you had good intentions but you'll end up giving her a complex. Did you speak to her about stretch marks?

Itsalonghaul · 06/04/2021 07:25

DD had a grow spurt and grew very tall very quickly and had a few, she showed me one morning. I told her not to worry they will fade in time, and gave her some bio oil to massage into her skin after showers. She never has used it to my knowledge. I don't check. Same with shaving. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. It is up to her.

I don't think you are wrong to inform her of what these things are, teens can worry so it can be reassuring. You are right to talk about it openly in my view. I showed my dd my own stretch marks on my hips, you can barely see them. They fade within 1-2 years. I wouldn't keep on about the oil though once you have given it to her.

Is your dd a very nervous child or is there a reason she feels worried about going out with a friend or alone op?

LakieLady · 06/04/2021 07:32

Fucking hell, I thought we'd moved on from inflicting this sort of shit on our daughters.

Teen girls develop unhealthy obsessions with body image easily enough without the help of their mothers, who should be supporting them, pointing out what they perceive as flaws with their daughters' bodies.

If she doesn't want to shave her legs, support her in that choice, OP, don't say things that could leave her with lasting insecurities about her (perfectly normal) body hair and skin.

SpeckledyHen · 06/04/2021 07:34

Poor girl . Leave her alone . Keep reading this thread OP until you get it .

Rowofducks · 06/04/2021 07:35

@ismiseeire I have a 16 year old dd and if i went by her I’d think all teenage girls are into house plants, don’t wear makeup, are fascinated with history and want to dye their armpit hair purple. Obviously I know this isn’t the case as everyone is different. Some of her friends are similar to the girls you talk about but others are nothing like that.

Arbadacarba · 06/04/2021 07:35

I developed them at the same age as your DD. Oils that claim to reduce or prevent them are a waste of money in my experience - there's nothing you can do but wait for them to fade.

I wouldn't have mentioned them unless she did.

Mousetown · 06/04/2021 07:37

@ismiseeire

As a teen and an adult, I have never been attracted to men who lacked basic hygiene. The fit boys who smelled nice were IT. If he was sporty, intelligent and otherwise talented then he was God to me. A smelly, spotty, nerd never did it for me. As adults they are resentful.
What does this have to do with anything? The op is talking about commenting on her daughters stretch marks, and you have gone off in a rant about “tits and asses” and what boys you fancied at school.
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 06/04/2021 07:38

Stretch marks are entirely normal she doesn’t need oil for them and doesn’t need a daily reminder.

You bought her the oil so she has the choice to ‘treat them’ if she wants to. She doesn’t. You have an issue with them that she clearly doesn’t see so drop the subject before you give her a complex about them. Being a teenage girl is hard enough.

joystir59 · 06/04/2021 07:41

You need to stop being the problem OP

Standrewsschool · 06/04/2021 07:41

If she’s not body conscious, let her be. That’s good. Stretch marks are normal and nothing to be ashamed of or worry about. Don’t create problems where there aren’t any.

GreenlandTheMovie · 06/04/2021 07:41

Oh gawd, I used to have a mother like you. She used to glorify in making me feel as embarrassed as possible, presumably because it made her feel good at my expense. Barely a day went by when she wouldn't remind me of my"hanging body" and how I wasn't a child any more, or make stupid unhelpful comments about parts of my anatomy. It definately made me more shy. Why do you have to say these things? Do you think your daughter will grow up unaware her body 8s changing unless you point them out? And why are you even posting about it in an Internet forum? Is this what used to be called munchausens by proxy?

Mousetown · 06/04/2021 07:49

@willowsway

Im actually going to go against the other posts. I've a dd of a similar age. I'd have done the same. At 14 they still need guidance and reminding to keep up new self care habits that previously weren't needed. I'd hate to have scars that weren't necessary because my dm didn't want to remind me that I needed to apply bio oil. I think it's important to embrace our imperfections and accept them. That doesn't mean pretending they don't exist.
Ffs! Self care habits?

Stretch marks are not flaws
Stretch marks are not unhygienic
Stretch marks are a normal part of growing up
No cream or oil on this planet can prevent stretch marks.
Stretch marks will fade in time if you leave them the fuck alone.
There is nothing wrong with stretch marks

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 06/04/2021 07:49

@IndiaMay

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. I developed young. By 11 I had a 30DD chest, periods and was 5ft6. I got stretch marks on my boobs and hips from them developing so quickly and my thighs from shooting up so quick. My mum bought me cocoa butter, told me it was for the stretch marks I had got from going through puberty and that this would help fade them. It did help, I felt quite sorry for girls who in later years would disclose to me in horror that they had got these purple marks they didn't know how or why or what to do to help. I'm not scarred mentally for life, I'm pretty indifferent to the silver marks I have left. I always had a pretty open line of communication with my mum about puberty and my body and I'm quite glad she helped my stretch marks not get too big.
She didn't help your stretch marks not get too big. Purple ones are new, silver ones are old. That's it.

WRT stretch marks, some get them and some don't. I used cocoa butter AND bio oil every day when pregnant and even my midwife remarked on my 'impressive' stretch marks! My stomach looked like tiger bread.

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 06/04/2021 07:53

@ismiseeire

I suspect that most commenting have never had a teenage girl.

They are obsessed with their asses and six packs these days. Unless I put on Tiny Pop, that's the media they consume. Tits, ass, fashion.

She could of course be a child more into National Geographic, but it's doubtful.

For a teen not to be into shaving her legs or armpits is unusual. I would buy her the nice razors, hang on until I can link

Something like this gillettevenus.co.uk/en-gb/shaving-products/womens-razor/refillable-razors/venus-comfortglide-snap-spa-breeze-razor/

You don't have to teach her how to shave her legs. There will be a youtube video.

NATGALT

(Not All Teenage Girls Are Like That)

Also, cocoa butter does nothing. Stretch marks are more about genetics than moisturiser.

Morgan12 · 06/04/2021 07:53

You're like Judy Geller but 100% worse.

You must know YABU!