To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

Fuck now I'm worried I've given my DS a complex. His hygiene is terrible unless I'm at him to use soap and wash his face. He gets pimples because he doesn't look after his skin and I worry that he'll end up with scarring and then hate me later for not helping him. I bought him acne stuff and make him use it.

Expect some cutting remarks about your middle aged spread, wrinkles and getting hair in return.
But perhaps you undeservingly have a more empathetic child than you deserve.

Graying

Omg just reading that I wanted to literally scream at you

Leave her alone!

You need to not only get off her back you need to examine your own issues with what is acceptable appearance wise.

More and more women including younger women no longer feel the need to suit the male gaze continually. To analyse and criticise every aspect of their appearance.

They are learning to accept our wonderful, beautiful bodies as they are.

I have a birthmark on my face, scars all over from various mishaps and surgeries and I'm currently a size 20, I rarely shave.

My absolutely stunning daughter has some scars from her tendency to fall due to her disability, she is dark in colouring inc body hair but also rarely shaves, her hair is naturally curly which is most definitely not the fashion for her generation, it's also waist length so there's masses of it! She has some stretch marks too and a small birthmark near her ear. I am not exaggerating when I say she literally turns heads - though admittedly I think her height (taller than most lads her age) and figure (v slim) are part of that.

It's confidence and happiness that matter.

Just please leave her be.

You’re probably very critical in other areas too which is why she’s withdrawn and anxious socially. You sound like my mum, gross.

Op you sound quite overbearing. I was similar at this age and would've been mortified at my changing body. Please don't mention any of it ever again. Leave the cream, gel and razors where she csn find them if she needs them and move on.

OP, I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here.

My mother never commented on, or helped me with anything. I still remember the day someone at school laughed at my hairy legs. I had honestly never noticed that every other girl had started shaving their legs, and hated my mum for not guiding me better. When I got home she said 'I was waiting for you to ask' but I really did blame her for that whole situation.

Your dd sounds very young for her age. She may have noticed the stretch marks but not realised that there are products available that might help improve the appearance a bit. I don't think that buying her bio oil for stretch marks - especially those arising out of sudden growth rather than weight gain, as in this case - is terrible. But I do think you need to back off reminding her to use it. If the stretch marks bother her she'll use it. If they don't, well that's even better really isn't it.

@SeaShoreGalore

Would you be happy if someone else - your DH perhaps - were so vigilant in encouraging you to correct your flaws?

Or would it just be really upsetting?

This.

My mum was like this, constantly buying me products to fix things i didn't even know were wrong with me and harping on at me to use them. She was quite controlling in general though. It did give me a few complexes i struggle with still as an adult and meant i was never open with her about my body as i knew she'd be critical. Even now at 30 I'd never wear a bikini in front of her. Even if she didn't say anything out loud she'd be thinking it.

@EarringsandLipstick

I think I'm the sole voice supporting OP here!

I'm going on OP's own words here - she noticed her DD had stretch marks, has not commented negatively & has bought her Bio Oil to use, which she reminds her of.

I don't think that's awful. I also have a young teen DD. I think a teen (especially a shy one) won't know to say anything about stretch marks, or that possibly cream / oil will help.

I think if it's a practical gesture, no judgment, then it's fine.

A lot of posters are projecting their own memories of mothers who commented negatively about their weight or appearance. My mum didn't do this but was more hands-off than I'd have liked, and I was a bit clueless. I'd quite have liked some more involvement or suggestions in this area.

OP, I think as a practical step this is fine.

I disagree, I think the OP is projecting her insecurities onto her DD and now her DD will be even more self conscious of them (because there is no way she wouldn’t have already been aware).

Im actually going to go against the other posts. I've a dd of a similar age.
I'd have done the same. At 14 they still need guidance and reminding to keep up new self care habits that previously weren't needed. I'd hate to have scars that weren't necessary because my dm didn't want to remind me that I needed to apply bio oil.
I think it's important to embrace our imperfections and accept them. That doesn't mean pretending they don't exist.

@Shitmotherright

Out of interest, when did stretchmarks indicate overweight?

They do, always have done. My husband put on a lot of weight and got stretch marks around his hips and tops of thighs.

I put on weight at one time and had them in various places.

For goodness sakes, women often get them when they are pregnant so of course weight is an issue.

I am not saying your daughter is overweight, I did ask her if she had put on weight. If her breasts have grown quickly, her skin will be tighter so may show some stretch marks.

They fade in time.

You don’t seem to be listening to the main point her OP, stop! You have offered the Bio oil which maybe you shouldn’t have done but, to keep reminding? Why! And the shaving! No wonder she doesn’t have much confidence and is so reserved, you seem to be looking for things to pick at. Of course, you can still help your daughter shave but, not in this way. Are you also going to remind her each time she wears shorts you can help her to shave?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. I developed young. By 11 I had a 30DD chest, periods and was 5ft6. I got stretch marks on my boobs and hips from them developing so quickly and my thighs from shooting up so quick. My mum bought me cocoa butter, told me it was for the stretch marks I had got from going through puberty and that this would help fade them. It did help, I felt quite sorry for girls who in later years would disclose to me in horror that they had got these purple marks they didn't know how or why or what to do to help. I'm not scarred mentally for life, I'm pretty indifferent to the silver marks I have left. I always had a pretty open line of communication with my mum about puberty and my body and I'm quite glad she helped my stretch marks not get too big.

Poor girl.

OP please back off! I’m heavily pregnant and also have stretch Mark cream and hairy legs but my god I don’t need DH or DM ‘checking in’ constantly about using my cream or shaving. I’d lose my shit!

The only reason she needs to shave her legs or put stretch Mark cream on is if she wants to! Neither are essential, It’s not like reminding her to shower or brush her teeth or wear deodorant.

YABU

Well-intentioned but it's up to her, not you - seems like you've just taken this upon yourself with no input from her which of course is going to put her off doing it.

Besides stretch marks fade without oil anyway.

Fwiw I don't think bio oil does much. If you really wanted to help the stretch marks you'd just save up for when she's 20 and offer her cosmetic work on them instead. Or just forget about them like a normal person.

If she wanted to use the cream, she wouldn’t need reminding.

Stretch marks and hairy legs are not health issues, or hygiene issues. They are image issues.

You’ve created a problem for her that didn’t previously exist anywhere other than in your own head.

Did your mother do that to you?

YABU, and Bio Oil doesn't work anyway. Once you've got stretch marks you can't get rid of them, and Bio Oil won't prevent them either.

@ismiseeire

oh and I love cocoa butter for preventing stretch marks. Have no stretch marks from pregnancy.

That's just luck, it's nothing to do with cocoa butter. Creams don't prevent stretch marks.

My DD Has had a huge growth spurt too abs has quite bad stretch marks. I've just told her what they are and why she got them and not to worry as they'll just go. Don't stress her

I suspect that most commenting have never had a teenage girl.

They are obsessed with their asses and six packs these days.

Mine isn't.

You'd be surprised at the lengths my teen goes to, to appear casual.

Your teen maybe. Mine doesn't.

very wrong op

My mother used to "helpfully" point out that I was developing a slight moustache.*

Rally boosted my confidence I can tell you!

*Strangely enough I was already aware of this (particularly as a group of bullies at school had said I "was a fella") and trying to do something about it, but her frequent comments made me too shy even to go to the chemist to get any creams. Instead, I stopped indoors because I felt I was a freak and was seriously worried that I was abnormal.

Had she not made an issue of it, I might have asked her advice, but she just made me feel like sh!t.

Lot going on here !