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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about women in high heels?

237 replies

aibusux2u · 05/04/2021 02:41

Watching a programme tonight. DH says, without any comment from me, how he feels sorry for the women feeling they have to wear high heels and how uncomfortable they look.
I then ask if he finds women in high heels more attractive (despite their discomfort) than women in low heeled shoes.
He says yes.
He can't help it.
Men are born that way.
I am angry. We have 3 daughters.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Newmum29 · 05/04/2021 02:45

Yes yabu why did you ask if you were going to get annoyed at the answer and what possible impact does having 3 daughters make?

NiceGerbil · 05/04/2021 02:46

Well you asked him a question and he answered.

High heels are and have been for decades associated with 'sexy woman'.

They aren't 'born that way' I mean that's patent tosh.

It's not news to you that high heels are closely linked to sexiness?

I know that sounds harsh but I really think you're over reacting.

At least he recognises that they are uncomfy and they're worn due to expectations/ social norms etc.

StarlightLady · 05/04/2021 02:48

I don’t personally wear heels. Mum did and sister does sometimes.

I think the important thing with your daughters, is they are encoraged to make their own choices.

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 02:48

Yeh I don’t get why you asked tbh? If you didn’t want him to be honest, was you expecting him to say he prefers a woman in trainers? I would say a lot of men like women in heels, hardly unusual

Original poster
aibusux2u · 05/04/2021 02:48

I asked as a natural progression in the discussion and I am sensitive as my 3 daughters will be affected by attitudes like this. He is otherwise a good man but he can't see the contradiction in feeling women in heels are attractive and also knowing that they are on discomfort.

OP posts:
Original poster
aibusux2u · 05/04/2021 02:50

In not on, sorry for typo

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 05/04/2021 02:51

Attitudes like he can see they're uncomfy and he understands women feel they need to wear them because it's the norm / seen as 'smart'/ dressy etc?

That's better than a lot of men tbh

Iamtooknackeredtorun · 05/04/2021 02:51

This doesn't sound like that big a deal unless he's saying women should be expected to wear things they don't like for the pleasure of men.

I used to wear high heels most days at work when I was in an office. I had compliments from women far more than men. I had compliments from gay men more than straight men.

NiceGerbil · 05/04/2021 02:54

He was honest though!

I mean high heels are part of the shorthand for 'sexy lady'. It's fed to everyone in society from all angles all the time.

Did you want him to lie?

Were you expecting that he was immune to that ubiquitous message?

I say this as a full on feminist type

I'd have seen it as an opener to a really interesting conversation tbh

NiceGerbil · 05/04/2021 02:58

I used to have some fab heels for the office. I also used to get women complimenting them.

And I mean they're uncomfy but they're lovely objects. All the colours you can get, shapes of heel etc. They're nice objects

I do remember chatting to a bloke at work once about shoes and how they are nice things and he said. Women wear high heels to make their calves sexy for men to look at...

So there you have it I suppose.

I won't go into the whole topic as it's not feminist chat Grin

But OP. I really can't see the problem. And trust me, I usually see problems Grin

malificent7 · 05/04/2021 03:05

When i think about people finding women on stilts ( heels)sexy i find it absurd. Its very dated. Is it because it thrusts our bottoms out or do men love the fact that it makes us walk on a certain way. Do they love women who can confidently stride in heels or those who teeter around in a vulnerable way?

avamiah · 05/04/2021 03:06

I haven’t worn “high heels” for years if I’m being honest and I have lots of friends who don’t wear them either unless they are going to a wedding or a Christmas party and let’s be honest we haven’t had any of them for a while.
I was wearing a pair of black wedges today ,I don’t think I still own any heels .😆

Ineedcoffee2021 · 05/04/2021 03:15

despite their discomfort

To you
All my heels are comfy, ones that aren't I get rid of

jessstan2 · 05/04/2021 03:17

@Newmum29

Yes yabu why did you ask if you were going to get annoyed at the answer and what possible impact does having 3 daughters make?
Exactly. Heels are sexy and there's nothing wrong with being sexy as long as you are smart with it. However I do wonder how some of these girls and women are able to walk in very high heels. I used to wear heels but not at the heights they are worn nowadays. When I see the very elegant Duchess of Cambridge walking around, happy and confident, wearing great stilts I am full of admiration. I hope she takes care of her feet! Of course she wears more sensible shoes in her down time and is quite sporty.
NeverTalksToStrangers · 05/04/2021 03:23

Do you find men in uniform sexy? If so, does the Tesco uniform turn you on? If not, why not?
Same difference.

I find heels uncomfortable (after a while), but I could blister in a pair of skechers, so I'm a bad example. Not all women find them hard to wear.

StarlightLady · 05/04/2021 03:24

To add, as someone who doesn’t do heels, I think the important thing here is that women who opt for high heels do so for themselves. Nor should they be judged either positively or negatively.

Through choice l am a stocking wearer, not for male entertainment, l prefer them, mum wore them, as did my grandmother before her; sadly they have gained their own sleeze reputation and can cause others to judge, if they know. Fortunately, unlike heels, they can be hidden away.

BritWifeinUSA · 05/04/2021 03:26

Men finding women attractive is what has kept the species going all these years. Do don’t be angry at him for finding certain things a turn on, even if you don’t like them.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 05/04/2021 03:29

YABU. No one can help what they find sexually attractive. Men are likely uncomfortable in a three piece suit and a bow tie in a hot room but they still look more attractive in that than they do in jogging bottoms and a tshirt. He didn't say he likes it because they're uncomfortable, and he didnt say women in flats are ugly.

NiceGerbil · 05/04/2021 03:32

No one would opt for heels if it wasn't for all the associations/ norms etc.

That's a different conversation (argument!) though.

This has reminded me of my friend. We met up to have a nice country walk to a pub. 4 miles ish. We both wore trainers obviously.

When we got there she pulled s pair of heels out of her bag to put on in the car park. I was ???. She said. It's wrong to wear trainers in the pub. I would never do that.

It was 2pm and the pub was empty.

That's not a, free choice? Carrying them all that way. Feeling that she couldn't go in otherwise.

That's meeting some kind of rule of what's appropriate that she's learnt from somewhere.

CricketClub · 05/04/2021 03:39

YABU
He says he finds them more attractive than low heeled shoes despite the fact that they are obviously uncomfortable - He is not saying women should wear them all the time, day in day out, for the sole pleasure of the male species.
I’m a straight woman and I agree with him. They are more attractive imho.
Nobody is saying that low heels are unattractive.
I think a man in a suit and tie looks more attractive than a man in a T-shirt and jeans for example. It doesn’t mean that I don’t like it when men dress casually.

avamiah · 05/04/2021 03:40

StarlightLady,
I like your honesty .
As I hate tights and have never been able to wear them and wearing stockings is too fussy for me so I have always worn hold ups .They are like a extended sock .lol

HappyWipings · 05/04/2021 03:40

I don't wear heels , I look like I need the toilet when I try to walk in them. Awful things.

If a woman can walk confidently in them though , I can see that it is a very sexy look. I really don't understand why you're angry about this , and I say this as a person that absolutely corrects every day sexism when I hear it.

1forAll74 · 05/04/2021 03:58

Your daughters won't be affected by anything relating to high heels,or parents differing view points on high heels. Your Husband gave you his honest answers,and he was correct both times,.

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 04:00

So many assumptions!

Every woman wearing high heels is not uncomfortable.

Every woman who wears them is not just wearing them to impress men or other people.

Aldilogue · 05/04/2021 04:14

You asked, he told you what he thinks then you get annoyed.

Why would you ask him? So you've got something to whinge about on here and then everyone agrees with you so you feel justified.

Men cant win. I am a woman and personally dont wear heels but I do think they look lovely on women.

What difference does it make that you have three daughters? I