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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about women in high heels?

237 replies

aibusux2u · 05/04/2021 02:41

Watching a programme tonight. DH says, without any comment from me, how he feels sorry for the women feeling they have to wear high heels and how uncomfortable they look.
I then ask if he finds women in high heels more attractive (despite their discomfort) than women in low heeled shoes.
He says yes.
He can't help it.
Men are born that way.
I am angry. We have 3 daughters.
AIBU?

OP posts:
CirqueDeMorgue · 05/04/2021 14:32

@Pottedpalm

Each to her own; keep your saggy-arse leggings and slippers. I will wear my heels. I feel just great in them; I stride along admiring my tanned ankles in my glorious red court shoes. I wear them for myself; they are comfortable and I feel good. And for the pp who said men never comment on her heels, sadly they are probably to scared of retribution from the HR department.
The thing is, so many women look better, more confident and more attractive in leggings and flats than many do in heels.
Pottedpalm · 05/04/2021 14:35

As I said, each to her own.

ViciousJackdaw · 05/04/2021 14:41

I stride along admiring my tanned ankles in my glorious red court shoes

Really? Doesn't all that looking down prevent you from seeing where you are going?

Aprilx · 05/04/2021 14:44

@aibusux2u

I asked as a natural progression in the discussion and I am sensitive as my 3 daughters will be affected by attitudes like this. He is otherwise a good man but he can't see the contradiction in feeling women in heels are attractive and also knowing that they are on discomfort.
I am sure your daughters will be no more impacted and will deal with it in much the same way as any of the other 3.5 billion women currently on the planet will deal with it.
MrsTophamHat · 05/04/2021 14:52

I think you're being unfair.

I hardly ever wear heels now, and if I do their
chunky boots, but I love how high heels look.

BiBabbles · 05/04/2021 15:14

I feel it's kinda weird to think something both looks uncomfortable and is attractive, but I don't find discomfort attractive. Someone confident and comfortable, in whatever footwear, is very different attraction wise to me than someone who looks uncomfortable.

Whether heels are uncomfortable depends on a lot of factors so while I get him saying they look uncomfortable, that doesn't mean that the individual woman's experience. Some women look very comfortable in them too - as do some men.

As for whether women feel they have to - yes there is social pressure in some areas, and in some jobs they can be required, but again, it's a bit patriarchal to think that all women are doing something uncomfortable because we just all feel we have to. Many of us don't, I haven't worn heels since I was a teenager.

I don't get the jump to your daughters - parents are an ever shrinking part of our children's worldview and I wouldn't imagine their father's attraction preferences should come up with them much.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2021 15:36

in some jobs they can be required

I don’t think they can. I seem to remember a woman suing her employer over this very issue, it was a blatant case of sex discrimination.

I love seeing Kamela Harris in her trouser suit and Converse. That’s such a cool look. High heels look kind of old fashioned to me now.

BlackCatShadow · 05/04/2021 15:41

@Alsohuman

in some jobs they can be required

I don’t think they can. I seem to remember a woman suing her employer over this very issue, it was a blatant case of sex discrimination.

I love seeing Kamela Harris in her trouser suit and Converse. That’s such a cool look. High heels look kind of old fashioned to me now.

I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the UK government actually rejected changing the law to make it illegal for women to be forced to wear heels to work.
Alsohuman · 05/04/2021 15:44

Did the government even need to change the law? They can’t force men to wear them so it’s automatically an offence under discrimination legislation.

BlackCatShadow · 05/04/2021 15:53

Apparently, "Existing legislation allows women to be required to wear high heels, but only if it is considered a job requirement and men in the same job are required to dress to an "equivalent level of smartness".

BurbageBrook · 05/04/2021 15:55

It’s hardly surprising that men find heels sexy since that’s what they’ve been exposed to as the ‘feminine ideal’ on TV, films and even nights out since being young. As long as he’s not forcing you to wear them what’s the problem? We can’t help how society conditions us really. I find tall men attractive and wouldn’t date a short one which is probably ‘wrong’ too but I can’t help it.

DirtyDancing · 05/04/2021 15:56

I find men in a nice Tux quite sexy. I don’t remember the last time DH wore one. Doesn’t mean I’m a dick or that I don’t love him, and it doesn’t mean I expect him to walk around in one in his spare time.

LucieStar · 05/04/2021 16:04

I then ask if he finds women in high heels more attractive (despite their discomfort) than women in low heeled shoes.

You're making an assumption that all women are uncomfortable in heels yet wear them just to "be sexy". I'm very comfortable in heels and I love them, I wear them for me, no one else. If men find me sexier in them than flats, fair enough, that's not an issue for me personally. As others have pointed out, many women find men attractive in certain attire. It's human nature. I'm not sure at all what the issue is here.

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 16:07

@Washimal. That’s a very good point and I agree thoroughly.

I reject the idea that a woman who wears heels is automatically not comfortable with herself or less genuine that a woman wearing flat shoes.

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 16:11

@Alsohuman

in some jobs they can be required

I don’t think they can. I seem to remember a woman suing her employer over this very issue, it was a blatant case of sex discrimination.

I love seeing Kamela Harris in her trouser suit and Converse. That’s such a cool look. High heels look kind of old fashioned to me now.

And I just think it looks odd and a bit put on, trying too hard.

Who cares though? I don’t judge her capabilities based on her style.

Meowchickameowmeow · 05/04/2021 16:12

Are you still angry or have you cottoned on to how ridiculous you're being yet?
I wish I could still wear heels, some balance issues mean I have to wear trainers/brogues all time, and while I go for the jazzier ones I do miss my heels.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2021 16:12

@BlackCatShadow

Apparently, "Existing legislation allows women to be required to wear high heels, but only if it is considered a job requirement and men in the same job are required to dress to an "equivalent level of smartness".
I find that quite shocking because it implies that the only smart dress for a woman includes heels. Thank goodness my days in the workplace are numbered!
Micah · 05/04/2021 16:17

I have defined calf muscles.

In heels I have been stopped a few times and asked if I knew I had “marks” on the backs of my legs, looked like I’d rested against something.

Nope, it’s just heels shorten my calf muscles so there’s a faint shadow that looks like a mucky mark.

It is not an attractive look.

Newname12 · 05/04/2021 16:18

My mum wore heels for years.

Ended up not being able to put her feet flat on the floor as she’s reduced the flexibility in he legs so much. Walking in flats became painful.

littlebillie · 05/04/2021 16:26
Biscuit

I love heels for work with a suit, I wear them for me

TheJerkStore · 05/04/2021 16:27

You're making an assumption that all women are uncomfortable in heels yet wear them just to "be sexy". I'm very comfortable in heels and I love them, I wear them for me, no one else. If men find me sexier in them than flats, fair enough, that's not an issue for me personally. As others have pointed out, many women find men attractive in certain attire. It's human nature. I'm not sure at all what the issue is here.

Same here.

thebillyotea · 05/04/2021 16:38

@Macncheeseballs

I thought the whole point of them was to look sexy
not only.

High heel make me look slimmer, and more importantly make my feet look smaller.

I like the look, and personally I don't wear uncomfortable shoes. Heels are not synonym of being uncomfortable. Time and a place and all that...

I can wear the same outfit with High heels, with Dc Martens or with trainers. I like different looks. Is it that impossible to believe that each look is for my own preference? Not everything is about feeling obliged to look sexy.

Any adult is allowed to have preferences. Why angry?

One of your daughters might find men in suits sexy, the other would go for uniforms and the third for shorts and muscles on show. Will you be angry about that too>

LadyLaSnack · 05/04/2021 16:41

I made a conscious decision to never wear heels again in 2012.

I felt like a hobbled goat when I was wearing them.

littlepattilou · 05/04/2021 16:44

YABU.

littlepattilou · 05/04/2021 16:44

@aibusux2u

I think women look more attractive in heels (including myself.)

Doesn't alter the fact that they're uncomfortable, and bad for your feet.

YABU. As previous posters have said, why even ask if you didn't want an honest answer?

I have been between 9 stone and 13.5 stone over the past 30-odd years I've known DH. I know DH prefers me closer to the lower weight/slimmer. Anything up to 11 stone actually. And so do I. I look better, and I feel better.

So I wouldn't ask him how he prefers me, because I know the answer. I prefer him slimmer too. Truth be known, most people prefer their partner's slimmer (or with just a bit of extra weight/curvy,) rather than obese, whether they admit it or not. Just like most people prefer to be slimmer themselves.