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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about women in high heels?

237 replies

aibusux2u · 05/04/2021 02:41

Watching a programme tonight. DH says, without any comment from me, how he feels sorry for the women feeling they have to wear high heels and how uncomfortable they look.
I then ask if he finds women in high heels more attractive (despite their discomfort) than women in low heeled shoes.
He says yes.
He can't help it.
Men are born that way.
I am angry. We have 3 daughters.
AIBU?

OP posts:
murbblurb · 05/04/2021 11:11

high heels are not attractive - check out that laughable video of Beyonce and two others clumping about in real staggerers. (the one that works with the 'Thomas the Tank engine' theme) That and the leotard cut so high you can see what she had for lunch; not a good look. And she's quite good looking and was supposed to be a model of elegance. Emperor's new clothes.

nah. Women waddling about in heels may appear shaggable to some men but are really a bit of a joke. If you are so desperate to appear shaggable that you wear painful shoes, you'll attract the types you deserve. Breed it out, dress for practicality.

once upon a time it was possible to buy small heels that meant shoes were fit for purpose. Sadly not now.

LexMitior · 05/04/2021 11:14

I think heels are on their way out! Nothing more aging than wearing heels in the office. It’s going to die out. I notice that that very few young women wear them now.

They are a relic, and one day we will look at them like corsets.

YoComoManzanas · 05/04/2021 11:21

I don't find heels uncomfortable but at the same time rarely have occasion to wear them since having kids.
I would wear at a wedding, or out-out but not for a casual pub lunch. I prefer flats these days and something I can potentially run in. I would also take a pair of espadrilles or flip flops to swap into.
The thing I object to is in action films or superhero movies where the female is wearing high heels to run and kick-ass in. The men are all in comfortable trainers or army style boots. It just looks stupid.

Blistory · 05/04/2021 11:24

I think the OPs point is that she finds it disconcerting that her husband can find something attractive that he KNOWS causes discomfort.

Do posters really not have any issues that a man is able to be turned on by an item or look that he knows or suspects is causing discomfort or pain to the wearer ?

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 11:31

@Brefugee

They’re very much of their time - a huge thing in the 80s and 90s with power dressing and huge shoulder pads

but in the 80s/90s we also wore a lot of Ballet-flats too (I had a vast collection because as opposed to heels you could get away with relatively cheaper ones, comfort wise)

Wearing what is popular is not really any better than what the OP is complaining about though, is it? Even if it means flat shoes.

It’s still women dressing based on someone else’s current ideals and what their friends are doing.

I don’t buy into the idea that most women are uncomfortable but choosing what they wear for others. I dress for myself and have done so most days for all of my life.

Tinydinosaur · 05/04/2021 11:31

Women do look more attractive in heels.

He was honest, all you'll do is teach him to lie to you if you complain about silly things like this.

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 11:43

@LexMitior

I think heels are on their way out! Nothing more aging than wearing heels in the office. It’s going to die out. I notice that that very few young women wear them now.

They are a relic, and one day we will look at them like corsets.

If you think we need saving, I wouldn’t necessarily count on the young people to do it.

I was on a US college campus a few weeks ago. From what I saw there, it looked like anything other than bed clothes was currently out of fashion. Shoes included. They were all running around in baggy-assed “jogger” sweatpants and house slippers. So many girls in cropped tops.

I returned a few weeks later when it was a bit warmer and voilá, the 80s are back. Yay!

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 11:46

@Blistory

I think the OPs point is that she finds it disconcerting that her husband can find something attractive that he KNOWS causes discomfort.

Do posters really not have any issues that a man is able to be turned on by an item or look that he knows or suspects is causing discomfort or pain to the wearer ?

My husband is most comfortable in his oldest t-shirt and drawstring shorts covered in paint.

I find him super hot in his dress military uniform.

Does this make me a bad person?

Alsohuman · 05/04/2021 11:54

I’ve never worn vertiginous heels, three inches for short times for special occasions are the limit. In fact I have never worn shoes that hurt. The result is that my feet are the same as they were when I was a child. No hard skin, corns or bunions which is more than any of my friends can say.

The current generation of teenage girls seem to live in trainers and I can’t see high heels being mainstream in the future. I think they’ll be seen in the same way as we view whalebone corsets.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2021 11:57

Oh God, yes @hannayeah. Mess kit is sex on a stick, bloody uncomfortable though - or so I’m told.

LexMitior · 05/04/2021 12:05

@Alsohuman

I’ve never worn vertiginous heels, three inches for short times for special occasions are the limit. In fact I have never worn shoes that hurt. The result is that my feet are the same as they were when I was a child. No hard skin, corns or bunions which is more than any of my friends can say.

The current generation of teenage girls seem to live in trainers and I can’t see high heels being mainstream in the future. I think they’ll be seen in the same way as we view whalebone corsets.

Yes I agree. I think its good. Heels are a product of a certain age - being taken out by a man in a car, taking a taxi, being in an office for work and wearing them with a suit. But like corsets they are sexualised by men and women and fewer women will stop wearing them to professional environments when they realise that is the message being given.

They are a really urban idea and they seemed to be popular when a generation of women were making their way into the working world for the first time. But I don't see professional women wear them now, and where they do, it looks less professional and more ridiculous. Its an age thing in the UK.

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 12:07

@Alsohuman

Oh God, yes *@hannayeah*. Mess kit is sex on a stick, bloody uncomfortable though - or so I’m told.
Good way of putting it!
TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 05/04/2021 12:10

Blistory - women don't have to wear heels. Nobody is forcing them to. Like all fashion and beauty stuff, women choose to follow it or not. I own one pair of heels that I will only wear for special occasions. And even then it is only me that is doing that to myself, it's my choice and I'm very aware I could choose not to conform.

If men found women rubbing Tabasco sauce in our eyes attractive and sexy, would we all suddenly run out to the shops and buy some? I think not. Men aren't forcing us to wear heels. If women want to wear them, that is up to them. Having witnessed my mums bunions from year of her wearing heels when I was a kid, i actively choose to avoid them.

bluebluezoo · 05/04/2021 12:12

Women do look more attractive in heels

In your opinion.

I don’t think they do. I think a woman who looks comfortable and confident in her skin is far more attractive than someone who spends hours on make up, grooming and clothes.

So does my DH, fortunately.

Attractiveness is subjective. What is attractive to one person is not to another. However societally - films, magazines, tv- we see the hair/makeup/heels look get the man, or the girl in glasses and jeans given a makeover to get the man, etc etc, and internalise the idea that heels and make up is more attractive than jeans and converse.

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 12:17

The judgement in this thread!

Not every woman in heels is spending hours on makeup and hair. I’ve wore nothing but eye liner and lip gloss most of my adult life. Hardly spend more than ten minutes on my hair most days pre-covid (and it shows!)

blackheartsgirl · 05/04/2021 12:29

I'd say most men like women in heels, my own dp does but he does appreciate they are uncomfortable to wear and isn't particularly bothered if I don't wear them.

I asked why and for him he says its the look, they change the shape of the leg and he likes the look of them.

But he just said he finds confidence, well groomed and a nice smile just as attractive. The heels are just a little added fantasy

thelegohooverer · 05/04/2021 12:30

@VikingVolva I’ve pondered the same questions but that discussion probably needs it’s own thread.

There are plenty of human cultures where the males display their plumage so I think it’s a social construct rather than a biological one.

I wonder if male heels are due a comeback.

coogee · 05/04/2021 12:32

When i think about people finding women on stilts ( heels)sexy i find it absurd. Its very dated. Is it because it thrusts our bottoms out

It does? I must be doing it wrong.

I don't find heels uncomfortable, nor do I teeter, waddle, or stick my bum out when wearing them. I like wearing them.

I don’t think they do. I think a woman who looks comfortable and confident in her skin is far more attractive than someone who spends hours on make up, grooming and clothes.

What has this got do with heels? I feel confident in my skin. My makeup routine involves a bit of eyeliner about twice a year and I just shake my head upside down in the morning to 'do' my hair.

Fembot123 · 05/04/2021 12:53

@Blistory

I think the OPs point is that she finds it disconcerting that her husband can find something attractive that he KNOWS causes discomfort.

Do posters really not have any issues that a man is able to be turned on by an item or look that he knows or suspects is causing discomfort or pain to the wearer ?

I don’t find them uncomfortable or I wouldn’t wear them.
Fembot123 · 05/04/2021 12:54

@murbblurb

high heels are not attractive - check out that laughable video of Beyonce and two others clumping about in real staggerers. (the one that works with the 'Thomas the Tank engine' theme) That and the leotard cut so high you can see what she had for lunch; not a good look. And she's quite good looking and was supposed to be a model of elegance. Emperor's new clothes.

nah. Women waddling about in heels may appear shaggable to some men but are really a bit of a joke. If you are so desperate to appear shaggable that you wear painful shoes, you'll attract the types you deserve. Breed it out, dress for practicality.

once upon a time it was possible to buy small heels that meant shoes were fit for purpose. Sadly not now.

You are disgusting and laughable yourself.
Washimal · 05/04/2021 13:29

Some very odd assumptions on this thread. Who are all these poor women hobbling around in shoes that cause them pain and that they find almost impossible to walk in because they're so desperate to attract men?? It's really not difficult to find high-heeled shoes that are comfortable. I wear them regularly because I feel good in them, not because I'm looking for attention or approval from men. But I wouldn't wear shoes that hurt my feet and I'm sure plenty of other high-heel wearers feel the same.

Washimal · 05/04/2021 13:34

The judgement in this thread! Not every woman in heels is spending hours on makeup and hair. I’ve wore nothing but eye liner and lip gloss most of my adult life. Hardly spend more than ten minutes on my hair most days pre-covid (and it shows!)

But even if you did spend a long time on your hair and make up, no one has a right to judge you for it or assume you're doing it to appear attractive to men. Why shouldn't people make an effort with their appearance if it makes them feel good? Some of the posts on this thread come across as very judgemental.

Fembot123 · 05/04/2021 13:36

@Washimal

The judgement in this thread! Not every woman in heels is spending hours on makeup and hair. I’ve wore nothing but eye liner and lip gloss most of my adult life. Hardly spend more than ten minutes on my hair most days pre-covid (and it shows!)

But even if you did spend a long time on your hair and make up, no one has a right to judge you for it or assume you're doing it to appear attractive to men. Why shouldn't people make an effort with their appearance if it makes them feel good? Some of the posts on this thread come across as very judgemental.

Some are vile 😨 and definitely not ‘feminist’. I like them, have always worn them and they make me feel taller and more authoritative.
ViciousJackdaw · 05/04/2021 14:13

@SweetToffee

Heels elongate the legs, makes you walk differently to wearing flats. You’re more gentile in heels . I wear flats, I walk like a duck in heels .
I'm not Jewish so I am gentile regardless of my shoes.
Pottedpalm · 05/04/2021 14:30

Each to her own; keep your saggy-arse leggings and slippers. I will wear my heels. I feel just great in them; I stride along admiring my tanned ankles in my glorious red court shoes. I wear them for myself; they are comfortable and I feel good.
And for the pp who said men never comment on her heels, sadly they are probably to scared of retribution from the HR department.