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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about women in high heels?

237 replies

aibusux2u · 05/04/2021 02:41

Watching a programme tonight. DH says, without any comment from me, how he feels sorry for the women feeling they have to wear high heels and how uncomfortable they look.
I then ask if he finds women in high heels more attractive (despite their discomfort) than women in low heeled shoes.
He says yes.
He can't help it.
Men are born that way.
I am angry. We have 3 daughters.
AIBU?

OP posts:
seashells11 · 05/04/2021 09:34

I think things are changing. I don't personally think heels are necessary to look smart, but I rarely see female politicians or women in the public eye in flats.

Of course there's always some that had to for their jobs, same with lots of jobs really, but we're talking about women in general......and of course no one makes female politicians wear high heels. I'm sure it's because they like them. Heels go with suits. I'm sure they don't feel they have to to please men.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/04/2021 09:35

YABU. I am straight, but I too can see why men find them attractive.

What's wrong with that? Attractiveness and appreciation of certain features us not specific to gender. I can appreciate the esthetic of a woman with a specific body shape and find attractive without feeling any sexual desire. Sane with some older women.

DamsonTrousers · 05/04/2021 09:37

Do you find men more attractive when they wear particularly clothing? I don’t really see any difference; he wasn’t saying women are only attractive when they wear them, or that they must wear them. Just that he likes the way they look.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 05/04/2021 09:41

I love the look of high heels.
I also like how other women look in them, particularly if they are confident and walking "with a purpose" rather than teetering on them.
I also know how uncomfortable they are for some, know that some women have been forced to wear them and all the other negative stuff.
The two aren't mutually exclusive.

I live in trainers .Grin

sandgrown · 05/04/2021 09:41

After months of slobbing about in jeans I have decided to go back to wearing dresses and sometimes heels . I am doing it for me as I want to feel smarter and more feminine.

Oblomov21 · 05/04/2021 09:41

I dislike this discussion. If you don't want to wear them, don't.

Not everyone finds them uncomfortable. I don't, although I rarely wear them. And they do/can elongate the leg and can look lovely. Most women can't walk in them, but I've seen a few that the shoes were incredibly beautiful.

happinessischocolate · 05/04/2021 09:43

My dd is 19, she and her friends never wear heals, not even when they used to go out clubbing. I think she wore a pair to a wedding, but then discarded them as soon as they got to reception and put some flats on. Heals are a lot less fashionable now than 20+ years ago and girls feel much less obliged to wear them.

Many female politicians wear them because they are older and obviously see them more as standard dress but I think younger female politicians like Mhairi Black don't.

Macncheeseballs · 05/04/2021 09:44

I thought the whole point of them was to look sexy

Backtoschool101 · 05/04/2021 09:46

I like heels. I love the look of stilettos but can't wear them. I can but they hurt too quickly. So I wear a thicker heel. But I just like shoes. I don't wear them for men. But I always wear trousers so my no one sees my legs. I just like them.

They really were designed though to make women look 'sexy'. And let's be honest that wasn't for women to look sexy to each other, was it now. I think your dh gave an honest response.

Yes a lot of women wear them due to social pressure and yes men find it attractive. But women don't have to wear them. And to be honest I have never heard men dictate to women to wear heels! So it is a personal choice really!

Skysblue · 05/04/2021 09:47

Yabu for asking him what he finds attractive and being offended by an honest answer. He’s been socially conditioned to find certain things attractive.

Yanbu for expecting him to challenge that condtioning and try to free your daughters from it... But this won’t change what he’s sexually attracted to.

Surely there are some weird / socially conditioned things that you find attractive?

ceilingsand · 05/04/2021 09:47

Happinessischocolate I think that's true-when I started work in a professional role it was obligatory to wear them, at least in my sector, but my daughter doesn't.

SecretSpAD · 05/04/2021 09:52

I'm a heterosexual woman and I find women in heels sexier than flats GrinWink

I feel sexier in heels to be honest and used to wear them a lot when going out (not work as I've never worked anywhere high heel friendly).

My husband loves seeing women in heels just as I love seeing a man in a DJ. We both acknowledge that many people prefer to dress more comfortably but hey, we're allowed to find it attractive. Doesn't mean either of us are lesser feminists and our daughter is perfectly safe from our bad role modelling!

DianaT1969 · 05/04/2021 10:22

Ask him if he finds long hair on a woman sexy? There are lots of things that have been 'made sexy' by media, films etc. He is a product of his time - as are you. I'm not sure why you got annoyed with him. You say he's a good man and he answered your question honestly.
Is this about how you feel and your attractiveness to him?
By the way, in London, fashionable young women haven't been wearing heels out for around 5 years. They wear trainers. So the young men in this area probably equate a toned female body in running tights as sexier than a girl tottering in heels. Because that's their conditioning.

Brefugee · 05/04/2021 10:25

I have lots of lovely high heels, but I'm more likely to wear flat shoes these days.

They can really add to an outfit: ankle length slim trouser suits, for eg, look much better with high heels IMO. You get a completely different look with different types of shoes.

It's a bit unfair to ask someone if they like something and then get all miffed at their answer though.

SweetToffee · 05/04/2021 10:26

Heels elongate the legs, makes you walk differently to wearing flats. You’re more gentile in heels .
I wear flats, I walk like a duck in heels .

Nicolastuffedone · 05/04/2021 10:26

I like wearing heels. I can’t wear very high ones now, a la DofC high, but I wear a mid height now, I like how they make my legs look, i feel good when I’m dressed up and in my heels...I also like my loafers and my trainers! I’m not dressing for anyone, I dress for me.

YouShouldLeave · 05/04/2021 10:44

YANBU

StarlightLady · 05/04/2021 10:45

@CounsellorTroi and @BlackCatShadow - cabin crew might be seen in a terminal wearing heels, but they are required not to wear them when airborne.

As mentioned previously, I am not a heel wearer, that said, l do apreciate many women wear them to feel good about what they are wearing. It’s not all about attracting the oposite sex or even the same sex come to that.

SarahBellam · 05/04/2021 10:54

They’re very much of their time - a huge thing in the 80s and 90s with power dressing and huge shoulder pads, and they’re very much things that are worn by older women who have worn them since then. My teen DD and her friends wouldn’t be seen dead in them - they’re just not on their radar.

BlackCatShadow · 05/04/2021 10:58

cabin crew might be seen in a terminal wearing heels, but they are required not to wear them when airborne.

I'm glad to hear that all cabin crew don't have to wear heels on the flights any more. I know some airlines were reluctant to change. I still don't understand why it is necessary for the cabin crew to wear heels in the terminal. Flats look perfectly smart.

I think it's hard to know whether female politicians/Royals etc wear high heels because they want to or they feel pressured to do so. Kate Middleton, for example, always wears high heels while working, but always seems to wear flats in private.

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 05/04/2021 11:01

Come on, its not like he is forcing women to wear high heels. I have no idea what you are angry about. Both of you should raise your daughters to not give a fuck what pleases men, and to do things that make them feel good instead.

Brefugee · 05/04/2021 11:03

They’re very much of their time - a huge thing in the 80s and 90s with power dressing and huge shoulder pads

but in the 80s/90s we also wore a lot of Ballet-flats too (I had a vast collection because as opposed to heels you could get away with relatively cheaper ones, comfort wise)

BlackCatShadow · 05/04/2021 11:04

I remember reading an interview with Mhairi Black who said after she was elected, Alex Salmond spoke to her about getting a makeover and that someone would take her out shopping. He said he'd had a similar conversation with Nicola Sturgeon. Mhairi told him to take a hike, but Nicola didn't.

I do agree that a lot of women don't wear heels these days. I was stuck at traffic the other weekend downtown and for interest I was seeing how many women were wearing heels and not one was, even women in suits.

Steptoeshorse1965 · 05/04/2021 11:07

Men do find them sexy, women find them uncomfortable but wear them just the same. So many connotations with "High heeled" In films, media, and so much more, and they don't seem to lack popularity with either sex over the years, I think they will be here for years to come.

Ikora · 05/04/2021 11:09

I had a chat at a family wedding with a young self proclaimed feminist. She hated heels for exactly the reasons you do op. She did have other views on women’s rights that fit the current narrative and leave women vulnerable though.

When I think of heels I always think of the scene from Some Like it Hot.

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