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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about women in high heels?

237 replies

aibusux2u · 05/04/2021 02:41

Watching a programme tonight. DH says, without any comment from me, how he feels sorry for the women feeling they have to wear high heels and how uncomfortable they look.
I then ask if he finds women in high heels more attractive (despite their discomfort) than women in low heeled shoes.
He says yes.
He can't help it.
Men are born that way.
I am angry. We have 3 daughters.
AIBU?

OP posts:
CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 05/04/2021 08:01

He can help it. That's rubbish. Men are not all born that way.

My opinion is that the wearing of high heels should never be compulsory other than perhaps on a stage production or film whilst you are in character. I recall a receptionist being obliged to wear them a few years ago.

Gerla · 05/04/2021 08:03

Nobody should be obliged to wear them and that case with the receptionist was scandalous. I like the look of them too but I have never been able to wear them. Instant agony.

ItsSoFanny · 05/04/2021 08:09

I really like high heels (by high, I mean no higher than two or three inches) Love a kitten heel. I'm only five feet tall, so when I wear them I feel taller, even though I'm still tiny. Haven't had a reason to wear them in a year though, boo. :-(

HBGKC · 05/04/2021 08:15

@CuthbertDibbleandGrubb you said:

"He can help it. That's rubbish. Men are not all born that way."

Isn't physical attraction at root about instinct, and natural attraction?

Are you saying he/all men/all humans can/should instead make a considered decision as to what traits/looks they find attractive? Would you like to provide some approved guidelines for them?

EdgeOfACoin · 05/04/2021 08:18

If the heel of the shoe is centred correctly under the heel of the foot, they really aren't uncomfortable. The uncomfortable heels are the ones which are positioned too far back at the shoe. I can tell by looking at a pair of heels whether they will be comfortable or not.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 05/04/2021 08:32

Your husband is allowed to find something sexy. You can't, and shouldn't, try to control that. I really can't see how your daughters will be affected by your husband finding high heels sexy.

Roselilly36 · 05/04/2021 08:32

I used to love wearing high heels and found them comfortable at the time, I gave all my high years to the charity shop years a few years ago now. I was really sorry to see them go but part of my journey, unfortunately I have balance & motility issues due to Multiple Sclerosis, I know I will never be able to wear them again, it can be a struggle in flats, high heels I would fall in no time at all.

seashells11 · 05/04/2021 08:35

I don't understand why he feels sorry for women for feeling they "have to wear high heels". If women wear them that's their choice but they certainly don't have to. They wear them because they want to.

LoverOfLight · 05/04/2021 08:40

Interesting. I don't wear heals really, but I do walk with a very arched back. I have rounded shoulders/bad posture and the only way I know how to fix it is to walk with my back arched like that. Apparently the back arch heels create is actually what causes attraction in men; something to do with an arched back signalling sexual receptiveness.

missperegrinespeculiar · 05/04/2021 09:04

yeah, a three piece suit is not going to stuff up your back though, is it?

also, wearing heels "for yourself" WTF? do you wear them at home when by yourself? we all wear them to look more attractive, attractive in the eyes of others according to societal rules, let's be honest about it!

loffie · 05/04/2021 09:13

@missperegrinespeculiar I agree it's not a like for like comparison, but it's more the point that thinking someone looks good in something that isn't comfortable for them doesn't mean you want to oppress their gender. The eye wants what the eye wants. It's only when you start forcing someone to dress a particular way that you are a person with a serious problem.

A male friend of mine had a moan to me a few years back about an expensive pair of shoes he'd bought. I must admit, up until that point, it hadn't really occurred to me that some expensive men's shoes were uncomfortable and caused nasty blistering. They just don't typically talk about it.

When you wear heels - assuming you can in fact balance in them - you know you look more attractive, and that gives you confidence. So you're wearing them for yourself. But I agree, you're also sort of wearing them for other people because it's their reaction that gives you the confidence boost. You know you look better and that other people can see you looking better.

I wear flats all the time and I wish they looked as good as heels, but we all know they don't.

BlackCatShadow · 05/04/2021 09:16

@seashells11

I don't understand why he feels sorry for women for feeling they "have to wear high heels". If women wear them that's their choice but they certainly don't have to. They wear them because they want to.
Not so long ago, some jobs did require women to wear high heels. I think the law changed a few years ago.

I often see flight attendants wearing high heels and I think it must be hard for them especially as they are on their feet a long time and need good balance if the plane is shaky.

I think things are changing. I don't personally think heels are necessary to look smart, but I rarely see female politicians or women in the public eye in flats.

BlackCatShadow · 05/04/2021 09:16

By public eye, I mean Royals, women on TV, spouses of polticians, etc.

Moondust001 · 05/04/2021 09:18

@aibusux2u

I asked as a natural progression in the discussion and I am sensitive as my 3 daughters will be affected by attitudes like this. He is otherwise a good man but he can't see the contradiction in feeling women in heels are attractive and also knowing that they are on discomfort.
He is being honest. There are certain aspects of physical attraction which are evolutionary - in both men and women studies have shown that certain appearances and aspects of the body (and not related to how "attractive a person is") are determining factors in how "mateable" the other person is. No amount of intelligence makes us not animals - we have reactions over which we have no control because we don't even recognise ourselves doing it. Studies suggest this is one of them.

Personally I hate the things and recall hearing Billy Connelly describe high heels as "invented by men to prove that women couldn't do something as simple as walking". I have never worn them. So I am not excusing him - just saying that sometimes a contradiction isn't about being perverse, just that other factors are at work.

Countrygirl2021 · 05/04/2021 09:18

They are more attractive. I say that as someone whose lifestyle means I wear wellies and a wax jacket far more than heels and a dress.

Picture a woman in trainers and tracksuit bottoms verses a nice fitting dress and heels.

I go to a lot of black tie events as part of my husband's job and I love wearing a dress and heels as I feel attractive and sexy.

I think we should make an effort with appearance for ourselves and our partners even if that's a controversial thought.

EdithWeston · 05/04/2021 09:20

@BlackCatShadow

By public eye, I mean Royals, women on TV, spouses of polticians, etc.
Notable exception being Diana Princess of Wales who wore flats a lot of the time
Sparklingbrook · 05/04/2021 09:20

I have a few pairs of high heels and they aren’t uncomfortable as they fit properly.
Just wish I had somewhere to wear them to at the moment.

LolaSmiles · 05/04/2021 09:22

YABU, you asked his opinion and he gave it. There's nothing wrong with saying heels look attractive, whilst also saying they look uncomfortable at times.
This sounds like one of those 'guess what's in my head and you better give me the correct answer' situations.

user1471538283 · 05/04/2021 09:24

Every man I've ever known loves heels! I wore heels so much years ago because I loved them, I was taller and they were pretty. I haven't worn heels for years now but I still miss dressing up and wearing pretty heels.

gildalilly · 05/04/2021 09:24

Tell him that you find a full codpiece and gaiters sexy and see if he obliges Grin

CounsellorTroi · 05/04/2021 09:25

I often see flight attendants wearing high heels and I think it must be hard for them especially as they are on their feet a long time and need good balance if the plane is shaky.

And then tell us passengers to take them off in the event of an emergency landing Grin

I never wear heels for travelling, you usually have to walk miles through airports.

Wobblesandchickuns · 05/04/2021 09:26

Yabu he can't help what he finds attractive and as long as it's something legal I'd struggle to get worked up about it.

LemonRoses · 05/04/2021 09:28

We’re you trying to be offended?
Your girls will have a choice.
Your husband is correct that they increase attractiveness- it’s an evolutionary thing and well researched. It’s about changes to lumbar region curvature rather than elongating legs. It does make women more attractive to men - although how a middle aged women hobbling along, grimacing in discomfort and being bad tempered is more attractive is beyond me.
That they may I deed increase your attractiveness may make you desperate for a pair of Jimmy’s in your late teens ( or covet some Kurt Geiger’s from an outlet village a bit earlier). That’s not unreasonable. The vast majority of young women want to be attractive to young men. It’s how humanity continues.
My girls rarely wear heels. They love sparkly, pretty shoes very occasionally, but are fortunate that society is more accepting of more relaxed norms.

mintybobs · 05/04/2021 09:32

@hannayeah

So many assumptions!

Every woman wearing high heels is not uncomfortable.

Every woman who wears them is not just wearing them to impress men or other people.

I agree.

I'm 5 foot 10. I DIDNT wear heels for years because previous boyfriends warned me i'd be "too tall" and I was self conscious about it.

Then, I watched the film bohemian rhapsody- I adore Freddie, and it made me realise that he was so unapologetically himself that why the fck shouldnt I wear what I damn well want to wear? who cares if my height makes men feel insecure- thats their problem not mine so now I wear heels and I LOVE THEM. They arent uncomfortable and I wear them for me because I love the way my legs look endless in them and they go well with many of my outfits. Also, I have really, really arched feet so heels are actually more comfortable for me than flats and I get foot cramps if I wear flats for too long.

Sittingonabench · 05/04/2021 09:34

I don’t really see how we as women can blame this on men... yes they invented the high he’ll, yes they perpetuated that it makes us attractive - but that was back in the 50’s and since then the shoe industry has skyrocketed because successful women (and less successful women) like high heels. They make some feel stronger, taller, more respected and yes more attractive which is enhanced by confidence. What is concerning is there are studies showing men think women they find attractive are smarter... this seems to be a bias men have which does impact women and should be aware of.

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