I can’t take her anywhere

[Heyupeasterbunny]

My toddler Dd-2, 8.
Had a lovely start to the morning, Easter egg hunt with another couple friends and their toddler Ds. All going ok but towards the end, she was acting like a spoilt brat, snatching hitting, all ending in a complete meltdown where I had to physically restrain her and take her to the car 😪she was tired and it had been a busy morning, but this is the second time it’s happened with our friends, never did when she was little. Felt so embarrassed but also sad for my Dd as she was just so out of control. She’s a very sweet girl generally when not overtired but this behaviour wasn’t acceptable. Worried for when she starts nursery and if she’ll be ‘That’ child. No idea where I’m going wrong, I’m an early years teacher but a Sahm with her at the moment, she’s really bright and definitely has character, but this morning just left me feeling humiliated and sad.

As you’re an early years teacher I wonder if you’re used to seeing kids at their best. My 4 year old is an angel at school and was at nursery but can be really hard work at home with lots of meltdowns etc.

^Yes this. My DD1 (now 12) has SEN and adoption related attachment issues, and has always been prone to violent meltdowns. But these have always manifested themselves at home, although there were public tantrums as a toddler and pre-schooler.

She also was an absolute angel at nursery and in Reception, and never really got into trouble at primary school. (This was because she was withdrawn at school, not because she was placid; her temper used to explode when she came home.)

My DD 15 months has start hitting and throwing things at faces. I think it’s something she’s picked up a nursery as it’s not a behaviour she could have learned at home? - unless she’s just doing it to be defiant and it’s not learnt.

I feel your frustration OP, I had to leave my mums early today after a lovely egg hunt ect because DD started getting tired and therefore was hitting and being not very nice.

She axles me in the face when we were singing nursery rhymes when we got home and her nails caught my face, it hurt like buggery and I told her no, explain it was very nice and she needs to be gentle and play nicely with people.

I’m honestly unsure how to police this behaviour at this age, she’s not old enough to understand time out or a naughty step/chair.

I get anxious taking her out anywhere at the moment as I get a bit embarrassed at her lashing out and tantruming.

I think the trick is to just be patient and don’t worry about what others might be thinking. If they don’t have kids, they have no idea.. and if they do have kids then they’ve likely been through that stage too! (I hope!!)

She sounds JUST like my autistic daughter at that age. She was 2.8 when she joined the pathway process for diagnosis. Was diagnosed at 4.11

To be fair, she sounds like plenty of non autistic toddlers as well.

My eldest is 3y 8m and this evening due to over stimulation she was absolute spawn of the devil. Worst bedtime in months, ended up with my having to restrain her from being so violent because she was hurting herself.
I feel like a total failure too, but don't believe the picture perfect social media snaps either

@MNWorldisCrazy I haven’t noticed any other signs of autism though?

Thanks so much everyone, just felt so deflated today and sad really 🤷🏻‍♀️
Whatsapped my friend thanking for a lovely day and apologising for the end part (my DD’s behaviour to her Ds) explained about it being complete overtiredness/overstimulation..plus chocolate. She sent a lovely voice message back saying please not to apologise and her Ds has done similar (don’t know if she was just being kind as I’ve never seen him as bad as that) and that she could see Ds heading a similar way and getting tired etc. That was kind of her and made me feel a little better.
I admit I do struggle with how strong to be with her, especially in public, when she hit our friends Ds we responded straightaway obviously by reprimanding her and then they had a little cuddle etc. She’d then take his bucket and he’d be upset so I’d ask her fi give it back, but my friend would insist it was fine and her Ds should share. The last straw we when she took something of his abc refused to give it back and this time I couldn’t let it go, and the huge meltdown started and we had to practically manhandle her to the car. Also, they made a sandcastle and age deliberately knocked it down 🙈my dad and Dp did that with her for a joke and it’s since stuck, my friend looked horrified. God, recalling it all is making me feel the horror of it, I wish her Ds had been naughty too! The thing is when they were younger, he was and Dd was quite calm

@Thatwentbadly Yes, her bedtime is now 7pm which is an hour and a half earlier than previously

Lots of typos 🙄

Please go easy on yourself and your daughter. All kids do this. And if someone says there kid didn't they are either lying or forgot to take their rose tinted glasses off.

Today was just your turn. This will ease. My daughter never had meltdowns out of the house but did at home LOTS she is 7 and just cried at bedtime from being overtired.

It is embarrassing, it is hard, but be kind to yourself and the people that are staring are mostly feeling sympathy not judgement.

None of that is a big deal, none of those things are unusual for a 2 year old. I honestly think you're expecting a lot from such a young child, they are malevolent hellspawn at that age and they are all like it at some point or another.

Don’t worry. We have all been there and some of us more than others! DD also v bright, fab communication skills and so on and so forth at 2 was surrounded by pretty little girls at parties, at meet ups etc in fancy frocks playing beautifully. DD at 2 was an absolute bloody horror! I remember one party where she just stood and screamed about the other kids ‘get them all away from me’ then refused to be near any other child. We left. Me in tears. Another occasion on a play date she just screamed her head off the whole time. Wanted to sit on my knee then screamed. Wanted to go and play then screamed. Friends (with and without kids) were like wtf?? . I used to look around and think why have I got this one???!!!

She’s 8 now, charming, very sociable, calm, she will probably never be the biggest extrovert but is a delight (most of the time) with lots of friends.

Ride it out.

Honestly op every parent has been there, I’m really surprised if you’re an early years teacher and don’t know this, you must have seen plenty of iT?

She’s so little, it was all too much for her, that’s all, she’s not old enough yet to know.

You need to learn how much she can do, and when to call a stop and to recognise actually at this age, you are led by their needs not yours.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, or your DD. I have a 23mo and we did a little egg hunt today in the garden with some friends, she napped too late, didn't eat a proper lunch and probably a smidge too much chocolate, coupled with the fact she hasn't played with other children in such a long time, and it was way too much for her, she had a HUGE tantrum screaming, kicking the whole works, I also cried.

On days like today, when there is lots going on, toddlers do get overwhelmed and they struggle to communicate how they're feeling, the pandemic and all of the restrictions has been really difficult for toddlers as they aren't getting the usual stimulation and social interaction. This is completely normal and you're one of thousands of parents who have experienced the same kind of thing today I promise

^ also, they made a sandcastle and age deliberately knocked it down 🙈^

Who thinks this is an issue? Did the other kid get upset? I see kids do this all the time and never thought anything of it. It’s fun to jump on sand castles.

@Kokosrieksts My friend and her Ds had been building it with a moat round 😬she didn’t look too happy

She just had feelings that are too big for her to express as you would wish. It is developmentally normal behaviour. What we have to do as parents is manage our own expectations around what is appropriate behaviour for that particular stage of development.

My DD went through an awful stage of being like this. Especially at bedtime. She got so worked up and couldn't calm down. She wouldn't hurt others but she would loose control and be at risk of injuring herself. If we were out I just forcibly removed her from the situation, strapped her into something (car seat or pushchair) and headed off while she screamed the place down thrashing about. Soon the feeling of motion and the fact that she couldn't get up calmed her down. At bedtime I used to hold her still, basically pin her to the bed, whilst making reassuring sounds. She needed to be restrained to calm down. Her brain couldn't process and relax until her body stopped thrashing about. It was horrible. But it was quite a short phase and we moved to holding her more gently, to just holding her hand as she got better at regulating herself. She still gets overwhelmed- especially at bedtime - but we cope with it in less physical ways now such as calm music, lots of low lights.

Don't be so hard on yourself. We've all been there. My 2 yo son has been brilliant on days out lately, then the one time I bump into a friend in a supermarket car park, he refused to go into his car seat and had a tantrum. Pretty sure they do it on purpose haha.

@Scissor
I'm sorry you were so shouted down!
I have 2 teens and they can absolutely behave in a toddler type way from time to time
Those crowing so loud have either never had teenagers or were very very lucky.

Sorry but you’re expecting way too much of your 2 year old. At that age children don’t have the kind of reasoning and emotional regulation you’re expecting. You have to help them learn how to behave in a calm and patient way and you have to do this repeatedly for years. Just like adults, children need to let off steam and they don’t do this by having a glass of wine, they do it by having meltdowns. When you focus just on your child and their needs and stop caring what others are thinking of you in public, then things will get a lot easier.

I do think you’re massively overthinking it. If toddlers weren’t arseholes occasionally, they’d never learn to be good later on. They are impulsive and ridiculous sometimes but that is completely normal. With my eldest I noticed a big transition from 21/2 to 3. She just became much easier to take out and more predictable from 3. She’d still have massive strops at home but would be largely well behaved out and about. My second is 2 and I am much more chilled second time round because I know it is a phase.

I really sympathise, that sounds such a stressful day. You and your friend have dealt with it nicely between you so I wouldn't feel any more upset over it affecting your friendship - it hasn't.

I totally understand why you'd feel so upset. This behaviour is a nightmare to deal with. It won't last though. She will learn how to deal with emotions and until then, as others have said, it's best to watch for signs and go home early. Warn your friends it may happen.

I really hope you're able to enjoy today. Try to let go of yesterday - all toddlers have bad days.

@chillijamjam Thank you, that’s really kind 💜

@Shrivelled Not so kind.

[quote whenwillthemadnessend]@Scissor
I'm sorry you were so shouted down!
I have 2 teens and they can absolutely behave in a toddler type way from time to time
Those crowing so loud have either never had teenagers or were very very lucky. [/quote]
I don't think anyone who has had teenagers is surprised that they can be difficult but throwing a suitcase isn't OK and I don't think it is normal behaviour for an 18 year old because they are hungry.

[quote Heyupeasterbunny]@MNWorldisCrazy I haven’t noticed any other signs of autism though?[/quote]
If every two year old who had a temper tantrum had autism I think we'd stop saying the terrible two's and say they have autism. Terrible two's is far more likely, it has a name because it is so common.