I can’t take her anywhere

[Heyupeasterbunny]

My toddler Dd-2, 8.
Had a lovely start to the morning, Easter egg hunt with another couple friends and their toddler Ds. All going ok but towards the end, she was acting like a spoilt brat, snatching hitting, all ending in a complete meltdown where I had to physically restrain her and take her to the car 😪she was tired and it had been a busy morning, but this is the second time it’s happened with our friends, never did when she was little. Felt so embarrassed but also sad for my Dd as she was just so out of control. She’s a very sweet girl generally when not overtired but this behaviour wasn’t acceptable. Worried for when she starts nursery and if she’ll be ‘That’ child. No idea where I’m going wrong, I’m an early years teacher but a Sahm with her at the moment, she’s really bright and definitely has character, but this morning just left me feeling humiliated and sad.

This is totally normal for that age, OP, and there’s no need to be embarrassed about it. But I’ve been there and remember how I felt when my DDs behaved like this as toddlers.

That’s why they call them the “Terrible Twos” OP. Lots of good advice here in this thread. Perfectly normal for 2 year olds though.

I think your DH sounds awful saying a 2 yr olds meltdown isn’t ‘normal’ and getting cross, totally unreasonable, that would really have pissed me off . He needs to learn that children cannot be expected to behave like adults when they are actually not an adult.

Toddlers can have incredible tantrums sometimes. Easter chocolate, friends, new out of lockdown, tired. Its not as if she can just explain to you when shes started to have had enough.

I think id text your friend and say that youre so embarrassed about that epic tantrum and you wont be letting her get that tired and hungry any time soon. Hope her little one is ok etc.

Your DH is being unreasonable and you are overthinking this. Your small child had a bad day, that's all. I'd send a brief text to your friend saying lovely to see her and sorry your DD wasn't at her best today and leave it at that.

My DC is a little older but, pre-Covid when we used to do playdates with similar-aged children, there was usually a time after a couple of hours when either the playdate was ended or Peppa Pig was put on (either on TV or on a phone) so we could chat for a few minutes and the kids could blob out and didn't have to interact with each other any more. It's exhausting trying to make sense of the world at that age.

I feel for you. Two year olds are incredibly unreasonable, I recall those days with a shudder. Both of mine are fine now, these days will pass.

If it helps I was apparently an epic tantrumer and even got removed from a nursery setting, am now a very reasonable adult.

[quote Heyupeasterbunny]@forcryingoutlouder She just didn’t act very nice at all and my friends Ds was so sweet, she was saying it was hers and getting really upset when I was saying it wasn’t etc, she just wasn’t having any of it. It honestly felt like she was the brattish, awful child 😪she’s able to communicate really well, her vocabulary is pretty advanced we’ve been told( feel twatty saying that, but her speech is really good) she’s not napping/sleeping well at all for weeks recently and we think her teeth might be part of it too (last ones at this age apparently 🤷🏻‍♀️)
I just feel humiliated as she’s taught fine and time again not to hit, to share, to say please and thank you etc.
My Dp was shocked as he’s never seen her like that and was cross and saying it wasn’t normal, whilst I was just trying to be calm with her (when we were back home) and letting her calm herself down) she’s now still sleeping so tonight she probably won’t. Just not sure what to do.
My friend hasn’t texted or anything, I can imagine the conversation between them both on the way home. My Dd was generally always the easy, good one 😩[/quote]
She’s 2, she can’t control her emotions, it’s perfectly normal. Some adults can’t control their emotions either. You just have to keep talking to her as calmly as you can because if you loose it then it won’t calm the situation down. She’s certainly not a brat, if she was 8 and behaving like this then I’d be bothered, but not for a 2 year old. When she starts nursery it will be totally different as she will be dealing with other adults who are use to children’s tantrums and you will probably find she’s a little Angel for them. My 3yo can have full blown meltdowns for me & DH, it’s because something will slightly upset her but then she gets herself worked up. She knows she’s doing it but can’t stop herself. When she’s called down she’s always upset and says sorry but she got angry and she’s sorry while sobbing her heart out. I’m not worried as it will pass. She has never ever had one tantrum at nursery, they were totally shocked when I told them how she can be.

Yep remember those days. Totally unable to reason with mine at same age. The number of times I set off in the car to go grocery shopping and taking her with me. By the time I parked the car, it was and had been, an arduous journey to supermarket. I would just drive home again, no shopping done. She was asleep by the time i reached home, everytime. They grow out of it, hang in there.

Read your response to my post, OP, that the picnic was quite early. She must have just had enough which is very usual for a child of that age as lots of us have said. Your DH comments were not helpful at all. Don’t dwell on what has happened today. What you did was spot on - removed her when she kicked off. If it happens again, you do the same. If you’re at a big family event for the whole day, one of you has to take her to the car. I used to keep breadsticks in the car for occasions like this so mine could have some food but they would not be going back to the table until they’d calmed down.

Meltdowns are an overwhelming loss of control.

If children discover that a meltdown got them what they wanted, tantrums will ensue as a way of exerting control.

Any child can have a meltdown and they happen lots to two year olds who don't have the emotional intelligence to understand what they feel and why or the words to express their emotions.

Neurodiverse children often have more meltdowns and they often happen for reasons that are mystifying to others.

Sugar doesn't cause meltdowns. Healthy children have mechanisms to control their blood sugar so it doesn't spike or plummet.

You say you're exhausted by your daughter's behaviour and sleep is clearly a big issue for you. Only you can make a guess at whether there is something else going on or this is just terrible twos. Maybe you could make note of what's happening when the meltdowns happen, e.g. are they happening more when she's tired, when the routine has changed, when she is around lots of people. That might give you a clue as to what she's finding difficult and what you can do to help her not to be so overwhelmed.

I was an early years teacher before I had DS4 and, in hindsight, I spent far too much time in my head worrying about his behaviour at that age, and I think that’s why! I was so conscious about him being ‘that’ child, same as you. He really wasn’t, though, and what you’ve described is totally normal. I’d be more watchful of her ‘tells’ and get her out of there before she kicks off. I always thought it wa s better to leave when they’re having fun instead of overstay and have it marred by overtiredness.

I also think it’s a shock to the system when your child has usually been well behaved and suddenly has a bad day - you’re not expecting it, you’re not ready for it. If I’m being honest I was guilty of thinking that that type of thing happens to other families - and then it happened to us!

Oh OP sending love, you did alot better than me staying calm getting her in the car, I'd have probably lost my patience said lots of strong things, then felt guilty and cried.

Im an early years teacher too and was nursery nurse before, i have 4 yr old and 2 year old girls, 4 yrnold has autism non verbal didnt have tantrums due to not communicating any needs , so not used to it, my 2 yr old i feel is having tantrums all the time! And worried its not nornal but extra worried due to older sister. Very stressful can relate

Just wait until she has a meltdown because her broccoli touched her carrots!

Bless her. My dd was a very difficult toddler and would show me up repeatedly
You will get used to Preempting the signs and then best head off a bit early if it's beginning. Easier said than done tho.

If you would feel any better dd is now 15 and popular with peers. Never had issues at school or nursery and is very academic. She can be very manipulative tho and has little empathy but hoping that's just. A teen thing

Sounds tired. DS is usually lovely, but when he was two he would melt down like that when he was tired - usually when we would push him beyond what was sensible, because we were out with friends and didn’t want to be rude by insisting on going home for a nap. I.e. it was our own fault.

We had one horrendous meal where some friends and their three year old were staying with us, and they took us out to lunch to say thank you, and DS shrieked and kicked and hit so much DH had to take him home before the food even arrived. Their three year old sat there good as gold. Yes it was embarrassing, but I knew DS wasn’t normally like that. He fell asleep the minute DH got him out of the restaurant, obviously shattered.

You're friends would have likely judged you for giving her what she wanted to stop it.

Certainly not for realising she was beyond what she could manage and leaving.

Just text your friend and say sorry you exited quickly but it was obvious your dd was overwhelmed and you don't condone that behaviour so you left. Then add something about how she wore herself out and slept for hours and you hope you can meet again soon and have a better day.

I've had many friends over the years who have had tantrumming kids. My ds was as passive and chilled as can be.

NEVER judged a kid for being a kid. Wheedled out the friends who didn't deal with their children's behaviour though.

The first to go had a DD who could react like yours. But she expected my quiet ds to just give her what she wanted as it wouldn't upset him.

I'd have kept you - and probably made sure you had a decent gun stick to get you through it

As you’re an early years teacher I wonder if you’re used to seeing kids at their best. My 4 year old is an angel at school and was at nursery but can be really hard work at home with lots of meltdowns etc.

At 2 they are learning how to push boundaries as well as facing new experiences all the time (especially post lockdown). It sounds v normal that she got overly tired and imploded. Naps can still be really important and we noticed that my eldest could miss a nap and be ok that day (eg if grandparents had her and didn’t try that hard to get her down) but we would pay for it the day after. If yours hasn’t been sleeping well for a while her fuse will be much shorter, especially with teething too.

Yeah, it is normal OP. If my little one might have upset my friend's child yes I would message and say I'm sorry. Any parent will know how it is. My eldest was easy and rarely kicked off, but I still understood when other kids had hard days (and when mine did).

And yes, as I learned with second one (who had quite a lot of tantrums aged two), it's usually tiredness / hunger etc. He didn't ever nap in the day after about 11 months and was a nightmare! He's ok now (just 4).

Gun stick should have said gin stock.

It reads to me as if you’re over concerned about how your daughter appeared to your friends - if they are friends they won’t judge. Your husband sounds like he was reacting out of embarrassment too. Just because she’s clever and you know your stuff in a professional capacity, doesn’t mean your child will magically be ‘perfect’, or ‘the easy one’. All toddlers have phases of being tricksy and embarrassing their parents, and if she was overdue a nap then maybe next time arrange for a different time meet up. Don’t beat yourself up, and hang out among more forgiving people while you ride this one out!

Today may tell you more about your own feelings than hers. It sounds like today she was overwhelmed for many good reasons and it is hard for them when dropping the daytime nap (some quiet awake time around the old nap time can help). Sometimes he only thing to do is leave, especially in really weird situations like an egg hunt where events and expectations are different. I think most people have been there. I'm not sure it's wise to try and force things to work when they clearly don't, even if it is socially awkward, even if you're getting judged, even if you think you're setting some dreadful precedent. You see the multitude of reasons for her, it's ok to stop and change. Nothing is fixed or set in these moments.

If you are getting judged for her behavior or your departure then those judging don't have enough experience of parenting at the coal face day in day out with a range of children and likely their turn will come. I'm aware I've been 'that mum'. The mum who shines with pride at their helpful child, the mum who walks them out of the park in shame appalled at their squabbling, the mum who can diffuse conflict with a few kind words, the mum who can only say no increasingly loudly, the mum who laughs with the children and the mum who wants to cry. Possibly all in the same day. Yes, good solid boundaries but not to the point it's foolish to apply. Have faith in your child and yourself in responding with not just what she deserves but with what she needs. You're all learning but her reserves are tiny. I'd thank the friend for the thought and the effort and and send a kind word for their child. Maybe give it s few days and see if they'd like to do something less formal soon.

If you’re worrying about I’d text your friend to say thanks for the picnic and sorry DD was in a grump.

Buts it’s completely normal for toddlers, particularly ones wh9 haven’t had much chance to spend much time with other kids. Give her a hug and yourself a break - tomorrow is another day.

My 4yo dd is like this atm! It’s horrific and SO embarrassing!!

As others have said, totally normal for her age. My dd had behaviours like that, stopped not long after she turned 4.

I think it's useful to remember that, at that age, behaviour is a form of communication (even when they are good verbal communicators).

I'd recommend the Gentle Parenting book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith.