I can’t take her anywhere

[Heyupeasterbunny]

My toddler Dd-2, 8.
Had a lovely start to the morning, Easter egg hunt with another couple friends and their toddler Ds. All going ok but towards the end, she was acting like a spoilt brat, snatching hitting, all ending in a complete meltdown where I had to physically restrain her and take her to the car 😪she was tired and it had been a busy morning, but this is the second time it’s happened with our friends, never did when she was little. Felt so embarrassed but also sad for my Dd as she was just so out of control. She’s a very sweet girl generally when not overtired but this behaviour wasn’t acceptable. Worried for when she starts nursery and if she’ll be ‘That’ child. No idea where I’m going wrong, I’m an early years teacher but a Sahm with her at the moment, she’s really bright and definitely has character, but this morning just left me feeling humiliated and sad.

Skimmed the thread. In my experience it always comes down to how you react to your child's poor behaviour in terms of staying friends with other parent/child pairs. If your DD behaves badly but you address the behaviour and apologise to the parent, I think most relationships do absolutely fine. My DC have acted up loads of times (alas) and I have always done the above and tried to stop it happening the next time; this seems to keep things on an even keel in terms of staying friends. So I recommend it :)

Also don't worry, your DD sounds like she was just a bit overwrought/tired etc. Totally standard for toddlers.

OP you've been given some good advice already so I won't add to that, but what I would say is that most parents have been there.

I don't know of anyone whose child hasn't had a major tantrum/meltdown at some point.

It's awful when it's your child and embarrassing when it's in public.

But please remember that most of us have been there and are definitely not tutting or judging - rather we're simply thankful that phase is over!

I doubt your friends are critiquing your parenting or your DD - most likely if they talk about it at all it will be along the lines of there but for the grace of god go I.

She was just overtired that's all. Watch out for the signs in future and get her home.

@Lorieandrews

Sharing is actually a very hard concept to grasp. They don’t get it really till after the age of 6.

What I’d do is take her completely out of the situation the moment it starts to show. Take her out and explain that her behaviour isn’t acceptable and that to help you’re going to go have a quiet 5 mins and when she’s calmed down she can go back

Rinse and repeat. Every time she starts again. Take her out. She’ll soon start to realise that when that behaviour happens. She’s taken out. If she’s as bright as you say it shouldn’t take long. It doesn’t have to be nasty. Doesn’t have to be mean. Just quiet and calm at all times.

I strongly agree with both your posts.

Routine and firm, kind boundaries.

Children will kick up.

But from the first minute it happened with my 3rd, I whipped her up and we were gone from wherever we were.

It didn't make a damn bit of difference where it was, she was picked up and we left.
She learned really quickly.
In fact the the last time she started, looked at me quickly, saw me getting out of my chair collecting my back and I got "sorry, sorry, sorry".

Re being judged by parents.
I judged the parents who sat back.and allowed their child behave badly and upset others.
The parents who quickly pulled their child from the situation and left, were waved off and hugely admired.

My boys never behaved like that, but both girls needed firm putting in their box.
They knew I meant business.
They also quickly realised that they didn't want to leave the fun, which helped.

One thing I cannot stress enough is sleep.
IMO sleep is the foundation of a calm child.

Routine is critical.

I can't cope without sleep.
Why should I expect a child to.

Lastly go easy on yourself.
You sound like a really great Mum.

Oh and tell your DP get a grip.
He's not spending enough time with her 1 on 1, if he's asking silly questions.

Toddlers can be exhausting.

@Maray1967 We started the picnic around 12.15 and she didn’t really want to eat anything

@AWryGiraffe Yes! She was the same, didn’t let me comfort her or even go near her 😕

My friend would usually text at some point even just to say thanks for the hunt etc. I think if it was them that had had to leave and possibly seemed a bit embarrassed, I’d text her, just a light ‘Nice day today’ etc

@Bml11 Thank you 🙏 I will take a look

@Thatwentbadly That’s the thing, if she doesn’t nap, she seems worse, a few days of no nap and she’s really overtired

Don't worry op. Toddlers are maniacs. Even the placid ones are sometimes 😂

@Heyupeasterbunny oh this is super normal and it’s when you get to teach her that her behaviour is wrong. How else can she learn? If she never lost her shit how would she learn to control it.

Your friends kid was well behaved because it wasn’t his turn... give it time .... kids generally pass the “arsehole baton” between each other with one behaving impeccably as if to further highlight the one with the baton’s behaviour

DD was much older when she lost her mind one day over a perceived slight and she tried to thrash nearby cars with a toy and shout at an elderly lady passing by girl lost her mind and we laugh about it now she’s a pretty easy teen.

Op, you're making a big deal out of a two year old tantrum - they do this, it's normal.
You're now over thinking about why your friend hasn't messaged and if you should - honestly, it's a huge non issue. She's not messaged I would imagine because she saw you get so stressed out, and doesn't want to embarrass you. You don't need to apologise for your 2 year old being a 2 year old, but you can if it will make you feel better. Honestly put it down to being tired and forget it.

I agree with the person above, you are totally overthinking it, it’s totally normal 2 year old behaviour, at that age they are still learning how to regulate their feelings so can be very dramatic, it’s totally normal for them to have tantrums, to not be able to control their anger and upset, to want to get their own way by pushing boundaries, it’s all a learning curve for them and we are there to guide them (let them know what they can and can’t get away with).

I’m sure no one is talking about what happened, I’m sure most of them have had these moments with their own kids at some point.

Maybe next time remover her from the situation before it gets to the point of her having a full blown tantrum to save causing a scene but really do not worry, we have all been there.

I’ve not read the whole thread so sorry if I’m repeating stuff but there’s a few things that stood out to me.

• You say she hasn’t had many opportunities to have play dates due to Covid, perhaps it was all a bit overwhelming? Even fun, exciting events can overwhelm a child and we can’t expect them to remember how to behave after such a huge amount of their life has been stuck in lockdown.

• it’s ok to leave when you see it’s all a bit much for her, your friends will understand. We have the rule that we always leave on a high, it’s sooo hard to do but trust me, so much better in the long run. Perhaps next time prepare your friends beforehand.

• if you’re really worried then send your friends a message, something easygoing along the lines of “so sorry about that today, I think we’re all still getting used to being around our friends again.” But honestly I imagine they are fine and probably more worried about how you’re feeling.

I think what we’re all trying to say is that we all have bad days and we can all be excused for being out of sorts given the circumstances. Be kind to yourselves, she’s still learning.

[quote Heyupeasterbunny]@Bml11 Thank you 🙏 I will take a look

@Thatwentbadly That’s the thing, if she doesn’t nap, she seems worse, a few days of no nap and she’s really overtired[/quote]
Are you bring her bedtime earlier? She will still need the same amount of sleep. You need to bring her bedtime earlier by the length of her nap plus 30 mins.

My eldest threw a suitcase at me in Kings Cross age 18 when we'd had a wonderful weekend away in Paris

That's despicably entitled horrible behavior from an adult towards another adult. This thread is about a two year old toddler having a tantrum

I think you made it bigger in your head and put yourself first rather than your daughter who is dealing with big emotions.

It sounds like the good old terrible 2s..after having 3 kids I've seen it with all of them..its normal but hard work,try not to let her get over tired & nursery will actually help her with sharing,temper etc,she'll defo grow out of it!

Honestly, it happens. DP & I took similar aged DD to a National Trust place last week and I called time after half an hour as she was out of control and upset. It came after two long days at nursery and I think she was just knackered. She does get easily overwhelmed.

We’ve since had some really lovely Easter days socialising with friends and family. I try and forget the bad and remember the good!

Sounds very normal to me. When my son was a toddler he was very well behaved , even to the point that someone came up to me in M&S cafe and commented on how good he was and how they were having problems with their granddaughter of a similar age. However, he also had days where if he was tired or over tired he was an absolute nightmare - meltdowns etc. I think the thing is you have to prioritize your toddlers nap times where ever possible, I have a 2 year old now who has a nap around 10:30/11am everyday and I try to make sure wherever I can that we stick to this routine otherwise the whole day will turn into a nightmare re behaaaviour x

You poor thing - horrible thing to happen for all of you. DD1 didn’t do meltdowns. DD2 did EPIC meltdowns. When she was really little we had to physically help her manage when she got overwhelmed and I got expert at reading the signs. After the mother of all events when she was about 20 months old I also got very good at just removing her when I thought it was coming, often to the embarrassment of DH if we ended up leaving things early but I always put my foot down as I didn’t want the consequences of staying for any of us.

Teaching her to manage her emotions has been real work - she’s now nearly 7 - but she’s delightful most of the time. That said, this year has definitely put her back. It’s hard as they’re just not used to being out and about.

Don’t give yourself a hard time OP. This sounds totally normal to me, and you’ll figure it out with her.

Id have said. Whats wrong. What can mummy do to make you happy. Then repeat what she says. Then do it

I’ve been there so many times. Special occasions can be fun but can also be a lot of work managing emotions.

Plus your child won’t be used to so much interaction, I guess, in a childhood full of lockdowns.

Don’t feel bad! In all your teaching years, lots of your pupils will have had a massive tired tantrum on the way home. So normal. Overtired, overwhelmed... normal response.

My 2 and 1/2 year old is the same. Sweetness and light one minute but if late for a nap or meal by god he turns into a monster.

Id have said. Whats wrong. What can mummy do to make you happy. Then repeat what she says. Then do it

This won’t work long term with a lot of children, especially young ones, in my opinion/experience. An overwhelmed child doesn’t want questions and doesn’t usually know what they need to calm down.

Plus my boy would have said ‘swings and a fruit shoot’ and I’d said no more/no to both!

So normal.
Over the last year I’ve walked once a week with my friend and our kids. Her DD is 9 months older than my DS. The year started with us intervening so my DS didn’t get walloped and these days it’s more likely to be my DS lashing out.
We always acknowledge and I usually text later something along the lines of: I’m sorry for the twoligan was lovely to see you.
We both always want to meet up the following week and no one holds a grudge over it.

op i remember my DSD having a crazy, out of character meltdown at this age on a cottage weekend with friends. It was horrendous (and uncontrollable!) but in the grand scheme of things, no big deal - just an over-tired-terrible-twos moment.

Haven’t had time to read other posts but wanted to say my little girl was always the little girl that hit pinched grabbed from such a young age. Her older sister by about a year was very gentie (so same home/treatment). Occupational Therapist (who I was referred to) said I had to do the brushing technique etc eventually found out she needed grommets and from the day she had grommets she became really gentle and ‘better behaved’ less frustrated. Your little girl sounds like she’s developing normally/extremely well but I do wish I had checked her ears earlier. We thought her hearing was fine. I know hard to draw a connection between behavior and grommets and rushing so don’t have time to go into it but really such a big difference

Poor you, its just so horrible. I didn't experience it with my DD, but my DS... Many a time I've had to leave toddler groups or meet ups early with him tucked under my arm screaming and me in tears. It's a horrible, isolating experience. He is very wilful and stubborn and I've felt judged by other mums as a result. He started preschool in Sept and I was so nervous that he was going to be a nightmare for them but he's been an angel. All of a sudden, playing nicely, sharing nicely, listening etc. The ladies at the preschool always seem surprised if I say 'be good' at drop off and say he's always good. His behaviour at home and when out and about is 100 times improved too. He just needed to grow out of it i suppose